Moments D730: Two Year Anniversary

Wow.  I'm SERIOUSLY behind in getting this post up and out to the world.  The last time I made time to add to the bottom of this milestone post, I was only a month off of when it was supposed to be posted.  Now, now it's nearly 5 months late.

April 23 marked two years of writing my blog.  If you believe me, I did actually start this post on April 23.  Shameful. I know. From posting nearly every day for two years to silence for 150 days.

How on earth does that happen?  I know it's my fault for not making the time, but I always thought I'd find/make the time "next" weekend, and....well, here we are.

First and foremost - I apologize.  I've had a few readers reach out and ask where I've been.  The long and short of it is that life has been busy and this entry was/is an important one for me.....I wanted to make sure that it was brilliant.

Why?  Well, it's a milestone.  This entry marks two years of writing my blog and I wanted to give it the respect and depth it deserved.  The pause started with the fact that I really wanted to take the time to reflect on this moment. As I began to dig deeply into it, I realized I wanted to dig a little deeper yet and share that depth, after all, that very much reflects the point of this blog.

As I gathered my thoughts to share, I was slammed with life. My final exam from the winter semester. My fiance moving to Canada. My spring condensed class (aka 14 weeks of class in 7) started, finished and then began my summer condensed class. Add in some immigration shuffling, and a few ghosts into the mix and voila, I found myself buried with life. (It happens!)

Excuses, excuses. I know. I am sorry and frankly I have missed my self-reflection moments (almost as much as I've missed my morning workouts!). My moments to pause and reflect were like a breath of fresh air at the end of the day, even on the busiest of days. From that perspective, you can imagine how busy I've been. No real time to stop, pause and breathe.

Now, not only will my anniversary, milestone post not be brilliant, the delay of 5 months likely means not many will read it.  Ah well, lesson learned.

Today, that changes. Today I finish up this post. Today I make a new promise to myself (and my readers I suppose, if any remain!), that I will continue with my blog, albeit not on a daily basis. As fall settles in (and I work away at my 35th class!), I find myself with much remaining on our plate for the coming months as EQ & I settle into our new life together. I hope, that we’ll find calm as fall turns into winter. (Hey, a girl can dream, right?) The point: I promise to not take another five months to post again!

My goal is to post at least once a week. When time allows, I’ll post more often (I do miss writing!), but realistically, I think once a week should be manageable.

Back to point.

THIS blog post is about a milestone anniversary. Two years of posts. Of course, I can't help but reflect at a milestone such as this, afterall, I didn’t know if I had it in me to keep dedicated to the goal I had set out for myself. The internalized goal: commit to write a blog-a-day for a year.  That's all it was to be.  A one year experiment.

My first blog dedicated to moments was inspired by my BFF sharing the "Book of Awesome" with me. It's funny how things get started sometimes! At first it was easy, but as my life shifted and evolved, it wasn’t always so. And then II hit my one year anniversary and I had a choice to make. Continue on, or stop.

Obviously, I chose the former.

So now to reflect upon this second major milestone in my blog adventure. The first question to pops to mind on such a milestone is: "What's the point to of all of this anyway?" This is quickly followed by has any of my words shared been helpful? To me? To others? Does any of it really matter?

I suppose, even upon reflecting and writing, I don't really have answers. It's all so very subjective. What do know, is that I've learned a few things during this experience. And some things I already knew have been reinforced by my sharing of words here in this blog.

I recently posted a summary of three things I am grateful for in my life on Facebook. Interestingly, I did this without really considering the blog posts I've shared over the past two years. You’ll see shortly the connection, but first, please indulge me to share my post from Facebook.

Three things I am grateful for today:

1) My family & friends: I know most people would separate out their friends from family, but my friends have become my family. (And ya'll KNOW who you are.) With every year that passes I am ever more grateful for my family. I had an incredible childhood surrounded by love, respect and support. From my parents to my extended family. That value is immeasurable to me. The friends that I now surround myself with, have become my extended (and sometimes not so extended!) family. I know, without a blink, that they have my back. They surround me in love, respect and support. I am ever grateful for that.

2) My health: In the past decade there has been many health issues around me from my friends and close family members. There may be days I complain about the extra 10lbs I should shed, the stress I am carrying, (or the rash that's cropped up because of the stress) or even the ache in my knee....but it's all so diminutive and pitiful in the bigger scale of things. I have been fortunate with my health. I can (and still do) play a mean game of volleyball, even after 24 years in the sport. I can be as active as I like. For this, I am grateful.

3) My soon-to-be husband: Once upon a time, I was lost in a life that I shouldn't have been living. For the most part, it was comfortable, but it wasn't fulfilling. I wasn't me. I wasn't who I needed to be. I wasn't able to grow and evolve and explore the world in a way that would inspire me to ever greater things. And then, I chose to leave that security behind in the hopes that I could find that inspiration.

And that, I did. (In truth, he actually found me! Thank goodness for his patience!) EQ has been an incredible inspiration to my soul. No longer am I lost. I am now on a path of growth having been inspired by this incredible man to explore the world from a new perspective. I look forward to the many adventures we have yet to have. To have found this love, I am grateful.

This connection inspired me to dig into the statistics of my blog.  You know me, I'm a numbers gal.  I was curious to see how it all shook out, so I ran a couple of reports on my blog posts. Here’s a summary of tags from those posts. How incredible to see that my top four tags are about family, friends, EQ and love.

I was going to do a top 10 list, but then my favourite number is 12....so I went with it.  It's a top 12 list.  Here's how it shook out:

374 Friends

163 EQ

146 Family

99 Love

80 Health & Sports

74 Dig Deeper

64 Co-Workers

62 Dinner/Food

49 Music/Singing/Concerts

44 Surprise

34 Laughter

26 Silly/Silliness

All in all, the blog sharing inspiring moments in my life filtered out to be about the amazing people around me.  I think it's something that I've instinctively known for a long time - that people are the most  important facet of my life, but now, NOW, I have empirical evidence.  After two years of blogging about the positive moments in my life, it's  my sweet love for EQ, for my amazing friends, my incredible family, and my ever fun and supportive co-workers & teammates.  People.

So what have I learned in two years of blogging?  Appreciate the smallest of bright moments, even on the darkest of days.  And I've learned, or rather confirmed, that "my peeps" are the most important thing in my life.  (This has been a standard answer in my arsenal when asked "What is life all about?"

Bottom line....share a smile wherever you can because we're all people looking for a brighter moment in the day.  Share your words of love, respect and appreciation for the people you love, that respect and appreciate.  Share the words more often than you may be comfortable with for two reasons (1) you never know when you might not get another chance and (2) we can never hear enough (or too much) how much we are loved, respected and appreciated.  These are words of inspiration even on the darkest of days.

Much love and light you you, my readers.....my friends, my family and my dear EQ.

Moments D722: Letting go of anger

Today's moment is actually a quote that found me that really hit the mark for me:

Fear. We all have some form of it. A lot of times, fear will manifest as anger. If you do a Google search, you'll see a lot of articles commenting about fear as anger.

And there is so much anger in our world. To me, that suggests that there is a lot of fear in the world.

Bringing that back closer to home: These past few days for me have been filled with both, anger and fear. It's been a challenging couple of days, no doubt about it.

And then today I ran into this quote. For me, it helped to refocus the chaotic energy back towards me; my needs, my fears. It helped me to drop the anger that was pulling me into the silent darkness of self-pity. Bottom line is this: If those in my world are unable to work with me on my needs and fears when I communicate them, then that's their choice. I don't need to like it, but I also don't need to accept it either. I realized that I have a voice, even in anger/fear. It's not productive energy to fall into the fear/anger.

The quote inspired me to share. And so, I shared that second level of fear/anger. That in itself was scary and it was raw and real as I've ever been. Looking back, it was an empowering moment.

I shared that moment with BFF later today. Her surprise was evident given that she immediately replied with how proud she was of me for putting myself first (for onece) and really sharing (and not holding it all in and managing it alone).

Yes. I'm still very much a work-in-progress.

Moments feeling the anger and the fear.

Moments sharing why.

Moments D721: Penguins, Words, butterflies and believing

Tonight Arizona and I went to see Christina Perri at the Danforth Music Hall.  In a word:  WOW.  

Christina had BIRDY open the show.  I've never heard of this beautiful songstress before.  Incredible.  I'll definitely be hunting down some of her songs tomorrow.  Tonight, I want to write about the soul inspiring Christina Perri.  She brought me to tears.  Not once, not twice, but thrice in the near 2 hours she was on stage.

What an amazing big voice.  What an incredible presence you could feel her pain in the words she belted out.  You could feel the joy and the love and the fear.  It was a beautiful set of songs and in just under a week of having her latest album "Head or Heart", I've already fallen in love with a couple of her new songs.

The first song that brought me to tears was her new song "The Words".  It's a song about new love about being raw, and real, and going deeper.  Why the tears?  I remember that moment.  That moment where I realized I was deep, deep in love.  It was raw, and real, and scary.  "The scariest part is letting go."   So very true.  Letting go, trusting.  Believing.  Believing you deserve love.  Believing you can give love.  Trusting that this time, this time you won't fail at the rest of the puzzle because as beautiful as love can be, it's only a piece of the bigger puzzle of a healthy, functioning relationship.  And it's scary to let go and dive in.

Near the end of the concert, Christina sang "I believe",  also from her new album.  Again, the tears came, for who hasn't felt the pain of losing themselves?  I know I have.  A few times.  (Um, you did read the paragraph preceding this one....right?)   She dedicated this song to the audience.  Noted that there were surely those of us in the crowd that may not have been having the best of days, or weeks, that she was going to fill the room up with love and surround us with it.

Eerily familiar.  And I found myself taking a step back and really absorbing the energy of the crowd and sending out to BFF (she's sick!), Heini (for obvious reasons) and to EQ (because I love him!) - redirecting all that beautiful energy.  

The emotion of her words are raw, add in how passionately she plays the piano and voilà:  magic. A snippet of her lyrics:

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

And then she had the audience join in chorus.  Much like this live version on Youtube.  How incredibly powerful.  Arizona and I were in section A.  Our task was to sing "This is not the end of me, this is the beginning."  Very apropos given the journey I've had over the past two years.  The audience at the Danforth Music Hall great and much more into it than the video online.....we actually sang the band off the stage and kept it going for quite a few repeats.  It was such a beautiful moment....tears rolling down my face and all.

During the encore, she played one of my favourite songs from her first album.  "Penguin"  It's more a cute fun song about soul mates.  It's always choked me up.

It was a beautiful set of songs, performed by an extremely talented young lady.

Moments just feeling the music and lyrics.

Moments soaking in all that beautiful, loving energy and sharing it out again to those in need.

Moments D720: Feeling Alive

Today.  What to say about today.  I don't even know where to begin.  It's been a mess, nothing went as planned.  Not my wake up call, not my plan of attack for studying, nor the words that followed during the day.  I wasn't nearly as productive for my studies as I had hoped, but I can say, looking back, that I managed to be productive in life.

What?

A life lesson I suppose.  Scratch that.  It's not really a lesson.  I suppose it's more a reminder, because I already know most of what comes later in today's blog.  It's just that sometimes I need a kick in the "you-know-what" to keep it in mind.

First, let me explain how the day unfolded (unravelled?).

I'm okay with things not always going as planned.  Honestly!  I know that things don't always go as planned. In fact, laugh as you might, I actually plan for things not to go as planned.  I know, you likely feel like that is a great waste of energy, right?  To each their own.  Believe me, it's certainly saved my butt a few times over the years, in my books, it's well worth having a back-up plan.  Today, even my backup plan wasn't so strong and in the end I was terribly frustrated.

Unscheduled stops today:  (1) Missed my wake up call (2)  A big deep conversation with BFF about how I'm managing my stress and expectations.  She knows.  She knows without me having shared anything that I'm worried.  Brilliantly scary of her and she's never been off on that. And so, before I knew it, I was vomiting a lot of emotions her way.  Apparently I haven't been handling the worry so well after all.  We went deeper than I was really ready for, but it just felt so good to share and to have another perspective.  (3)  Then, unexpectedly, my needs passed up to make room for someone else's needs.  Twice in an hour.  Confusing, painful, but manageable as I had my studies to dive into today and I just about got there when.... (4) Heini called as she had time to connect.  I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days and I was worried about her.  I was happy to take a time out and catch up with her.  And so I did.  She shared with me the coming plans for her father's memorial.  She even read his obituary aloud to me. That was a beautiful moment, one that, had I not had my own epiphany today, would have been today's moment! My dear friend is exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally.  It's the least I could do to carve out time for her.  She's one of my best friends and I know she'd be there for me in a blink of an eye.  (5) Just after my chat with Heini and before I dove deep into my studies, I spent a bit more time with BFF given her updates from Heini.  Seeing as I was now officially 4 hours behind schedule, that conversation was poignant and forced me to ask myself a few tough questions.  And then BFF & I agreed, it was time I shut the world out and dive into my textbook.  And so I did.

When I finally lifted my head to breathe, the day had passed.  I had been productive.  A good thing! I still had a few things to deal with (another chapter to do problems from, a chat with EQ, and a visit to Heini's cat).  And so, without much thought, I sent EQ a note say I was out the door and off I went to visit kitty (poor little dude needs a visit and more food)!

And that's when I had my moment for today.

I turned on the car and Dinosaur Jr's song "Feel the Pain" had just come on.   I smiled to myself and slowly drove off as memories and feelings flooded me.

First of all, this was a song that I loved to play on Rock Band.   I'd sing it, I'd drum it.  I think I even tried to do guitar once (I was terrible at guitar on Rock Band!).  I quickly found myself mesmerized by the beat; it's that funky double kick base.  It always gave me trouble and, me the perfectionist, would play it over and over and over again until I started to get it.  Oh yes.  I feel the pain.

And then I found myself reminiscing to a time when I had time to play Rock Band.  That feels like a lifetime ago.  As those ghosts came and left me, I felt their weight.  I realized that today I was definitely feeling the pain.  I often feel the pain of those around me and today was a heavy dose of that.  I also found myself dealing with my own stress and pain and tears filled my eyes.

Life is not perfect.  I don't expect it to be.
People aren't perfect.  I don't expect them to be.
Relationships ebb and flow.  I don't expect perfection there either.
Me.  I expect perfection from myself.

Not fair of me, but what can I say, I'm still a work-in-progress.

Frustrated by where I find myself today, I fell into the pain.  I am not perfect.  I never will be.  I cannot fit into a mould where someone needs me to be perfect. I am not always bright and happy and bubbly.  I have dark moments.  Hell, I have dark days.  I have fears.  I have needs that may seem odd and strange to some. I don't need to be perfect.  I know this, but I do need to be accepted.  I need to be loved for all my parts. As I surfaced from my 60s pity-party, I realized just how alive I was feeling in that moment.  It was raw, it was real and I wouldn't change it for the world.

That moment reminded me that I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people.  I know I am loved.  Good, bad and the ugly.  Today was a perfect example of that.  It was a deep, raw blend of giving and taking words and emotions with those I love. I've said it once, I'll say it again and again and again:  for me, life is all about my people.  In the end, who really cares about the mark I do (or don't) get in this class.  No one except me.  Who cares that BFF was there for me today, or that I was there for Heini today?  I could easily rhyme off a handful of names in either case.

Perspective.

Moments feeling the pain.
Moments feeling alive.

Moments D709: Resilience

Today's moment is inspired by BFF, for today seemed to be a breakthrough day for her.  As her friend, it's been hard to watch her struggle with all that life has thrown at her over the past year plus.  From work challenges, to physical challenges (and disappointments) to silly and sometimes complicated personal challenges from friends, family and co-workers;  quite simply she has run the gauntlet.

It hasn't been easy.  It wasn't always run with a smile on her face or a warmth in her heart, but as compelling as the draw of the dark pit can be, she managed to side-step the pit and walk forward, through the gauntlet with dignity every step of the way.

And today, TODAY was the first day where I the depth of the sunshine in her words.  Today, BFF completed another big step forward on her path to recovery.  She was lit up.  Cautious, but filled with light again.  I can see that she is starting to believe that she is on the path to better days.

And that, is a most beautiful moment indeed.

Moments having pride for your friend's hard work.

Moments knowing that today your friend is in a brighter place.

Moments D703: Pearl

Tonight I went to visit BFF after volleyball  It's been far too long since her, but I was happy for a short visit (it being a "school" night after all!).  Sometimes a short visit is better than no visit at all!

What a fabulous short visit we had.  She shared her leftover dinner with me.  I know in some worlds that may seem odd, but BFF can cook and I was damn happy to have a late dinner of her leftovers!  Over dinner and a glass of wine, we caught up.  She dug into her bag of goodies from Jamaica with glee in her eyes.  I could see the recipes rolling around in her head as she pulled out the special ingredients that I brought back for her.  Bangarang!  That's what I love!

Before I share today's moment, I need to backup and explain that BFF & I love monkeys.  It all started with the lack of a "hug" emoticon in Google's Hangouts - we nominated the monkeys as our hug emoticon.

Back in December BFF had knee surgery.  I was in California.  Bad timing, I know.  I felt terrible to not be around to help out when/where I could.  And so, I sent her a hug, in the mail.  You guessed it, it was a monkey!

She named him Earl.

Tonight, Early gave me a birthday present.  He presented Pearl to me:

And now Earl as a friend!  Monkey hugs everywhere now!

Earl & Pearl.  BFFs.

Perfect right?

What a fabulous surprise.  Thank you Earl.  Thank you BFF.

Moments reconnecting and catching up.

Moments enjoying a lovely surprise.

Moments D694: Colour Memories

As promised, today I took the time to celebrate GREEN.  I know, I know.  I'm a day late.  Better late than never though, right?  I blame the slowness of time in Jamaica.  Having been there a week, surely I'm allowed to lose a day?  No?  Well, still, better late than never.

Today, in celebration of GREEN I wore the green eyeshadow that I picked up two years ago for my big St. Patrick's day/housewarming party.  I don't wear it often as it's a bright colour and in order to wear it, one must really be prepared to be bright!

As I was applying this colour to my eyelids, I couldn't help but think back to the day that Hawk, BFF & I were prepping for the party two years ago.  We were filled with excitement and love.  Not only were we ready to have a great party, we were each filled with the promise of the year ahead as we each tackled extremely new life paths.  Friends bonded by the challenges of life.

Two years later,  I reflect back over the paths taken beyond that night with a sense of wonderment and, I can't lie, with a touch of sadness, for much has changed.  BFF is no longer right around the corner and connecting now means more planning.  There are days I wish she were closer so I could pop buy for tea as I once used to.  It's also moments like these in which I wonder how Hawk is doing.  She's chosen a new path, a path that finds the two of us in very different worlds.  Much to the exasperation of those closest to me, I still wonder how Hawk is doing and pause to reflect upon how and why our paths diverged as they did.  Whatever others may say, I still miss her.

But today's moment isn't about the sadness of now, but the warm fuzzy memory that came to me as I applied the green eyeshadow this morning.  It reminded me of two very beautiful, strong, intelligent ladies.  It reminded me of the importance of friendships and love.  And, it also reminded me of how delicate relationships can be.

All the more reason to celebrate the relationships in my life.

All the more reason to send a little extra love to those I can.

All because, I put on the GREEN eyeshadow this morning.  It's funny how things work sometimes!

Moments that sneak up on you at the strangest time.

Moments that remind of the beauty, the depth and the delicacy of life, love and relationships.

Moments D669: Monkey Notes

Tonight after work I headed to Newmarket to have a girls' night with my BFF.  It's been far too long since we've had such an opportunity.  We had a delightful time with "imported" Chino Locos, wine and delightful conversations. (Yes, that's right, I brought dinner with me from Toronto to Newmarket.  And yes, the burritos were still warm when I arrived at BFF's!)

But the best moment of the evening was when I remembered that I had something for BFF.  I dug it out of my purse and gave it to her.  She laughed and laughed.  And I smiled.  It was that perfect moment of knowing you've brightened someone's day a wee bit more than they had expected.  Bangarang!

It wasn't anything big, but it was meaningful:

It's a note pad with monkeys as a theme.  I know you are wondering why this might have brought such smiles.  I can't really share the "inside-scoop" to that, but let's leave it as this:  monkeys are an "us" thing and they are meaningful to us.  I simpley couldn't not pick up the pads when I saw them while out shopping a few weeks back.  One for BFF and one for me.

Why two?  Well, because now every time I need a scrap piece of paper for one thing or another, I'll have a laugh.   And so will my BFF when she goes to do the same.  A gift that will keep on giving, to us both over the days to come.

Moments finding something simple and yet special.

Moments sharing the smile for many "pages" to come.

Moments D668: Proud Canadian

This evening I found myself with a little more time on my hands than I had expected.  We had a snow storm.  Actually, we had an freezing rain storm that, North of the city turned into a snow storm.  Typically  on Thursdays I play volleyball in Markham.  Not so tonight as I was convinced by BFF & EQ to no take the chance of a questionable drive there and back. 

So I stayed home.  Instead of making use of this found time for my school readings, I decided to catch up on the Olympics.  (I figured it was my sport night, I might as well catch up on the day's activities at the Olympics if I couldn't be playing volleyball.  That seemed pretty logical to me!)

Earlier today the Canadian women's hockey team had won their game - to bring home GOLD!  I realized as I read up on their game play, that I was one darn proud Canadian.  There were a few Canadian-Olympic feel good stories that brought a smile and a warm heart and downright awe.   I'm so very proud of Team Canada and so very proud to be able to say that I'm Canadian.    

Today, my moment is appreciating my country.  The hard fought games and moments at the Olympics.  Even thought I'm no elite athlete, I have a sense of how hard our athletes train just to compete in the Olympics.  This year, not only did we compete (and do well), we also did so with kindness.  How very Canadian of us.

There are only a few days left in they Olympics, but I am looking forward to cheering Team Canada on to the very end.

Moments catching up on the Olympics.

Moments realizing just how fortunate and how appreciative I am to be Canadian.

Moments D656: Study breaks

Today was day one of hard core studying for my coming midterm.  I haven't been a very diligent student to date this semester and it's showing.  Between unexpected distractions to a shift in life priorities, my readings have taken a back seat to other things.

Today, there was no more delaying.  It was time to dig in, and dig in deep.

And I'm learning.  Not only the subject that I'm supposed to be focused on, but about taking better care of myself.  I paused mid-day and had a good catch up with BFF.  I took micro-breaks throughout the day and caught up with EQ.  I also ended the day earlier than I normally would so that EQ and I could enjoy a date night together.

Looking back, it's been a good, productive day.  I feel a little uneasy with the work left to do before my midterm, but in the end, I'm also trying to let go of my need for that A+.  Really.  Is that so darn important?Nope.  Definitely not.  It's time that need take a back burner.  It hasn't been easy for me to shift gears, but I can feel the shift more than ever.

That said, tomorrow I'll start a little earlier and work a little later to get more of what I feel I need to get done.  What can I say, I'm slow to shift.

Moments focusing on the back-burner.

Moments realizing that I don't need to push quite so hard.

Moments D648: Press Pause. Stop and smell the flowers.

My BFF gave me some good advice today.  It's her warm words that not only brought a sigh of relief, but a genuine smile.

And I'm going to heed her words.  Tonight I'm going to press pause, slow down, stop and smell the flowers and enjoy some quiet time with my man.

No worries of work.
No stress of my homework to get to.
No anxiousness of getting stuff done around the apartment.

Nope.  Tonight is a pause, reflect and enjoy my love kinda night.

Thank you BFF for the reminder.

Moments riled up with a million and one things to do.

Moments when you realize what things are most important on your list.

Moments D642: Christmas in January

There are days when it is not easy to get out of bed.  

Today was one of those days.  

There are days when the weight of the world around you feels to be too much to bear.

Today was one of those days.  

There are days when your mind is simply unable to deal with one more choice.

Today was one of those days.  

There are days when your body says "Take a break girl."

Today was one of those days.  

Today was a slow starting day and though I wasn't feeling the best, I was very much looking forward to seeing BFF for the first time in 7.5 weeks.  Not only was I in great need for a big hug, I knew she had been cooking up a storm.  There was no way I was missing tonight's dinner.

Tonight was our Christmas dinner.  BFF promised me before I left that she would keep all of her Christmas decorations up until we had a chance to do our Christmas together.  It was an incredibly sweet gesture.  Tonight, being with my "chosen family", celebrating the meaning of the holidays was exactly what the doctor ordered.  Love, laughter and good food.  That soothes a soul.

Our Christmas dinner was incredible. Not only were the decorations up, but BFF cooked us a full turkey dinner.  But honestly, it wasn't so much the amazing food (which was indeed amazing!  The pictures below will prove it!), it was the love and support I found myself surrounded in.  That's what it is all about.

Moments feeling like you'd rather stay in bed with the covers over your head all day.

Moments realizing that sharing those feelings with loved ones help ease the pain.

An amazing Christmas dinner with two amazing souls:

Moments D638: Question. Always ask Questions

"Never let life impede on your ability to manifest your dreams. Dig deeper into your dreams and deeper into yourself and believe that anything is possible, and make it happen." ~ Corin Nemec

Today was an interesting day.  Swirling energy.  Personally.  Professionally.  Boy oh boy were my boundaries pushed on all fronts.

But that's good, right?  Growth.  Right?

My day started with a workout, and then a light reading of this list of questions to ask yourself.

These questions were with me as I began my work day.

I was thankful for that as out of the gate, I was dealing with a sensitive issue at work.  In my numerous discussions over the course of the morning and into the afternoon,  I had an opportunity to share some of the insights of the article that I had read earlier and I found myself asking questions that I wouldn't normally ask.

As the conversation meandered, I found myself drawing out information that wouldn't have otherwise seen the light of day.  How incredible it was.

Because of questions.

The one question that came up more than once at work was this:  "You do know that it is not your fault, right?"  This, of course spanned a deeper conversation and deeper thoughts within myself and how I engage with the world around me.

(the proverbial light bulb went off!)

Yes, it's true.  I admit it.  I own too much responsibility in many situations that I need not.  I am aware of this (more so than ever) and I'm working on it.   That said, I really don't want to turn into that person that shirks responsibility.

I found myself reflecting, questioning my words, questioning my position.  For the most part I know what I did (or didn't do).   I can look long and deep into the mirror and accept my faults and apologize for them when I need too.  This is not always easy and many times I falter during the process.  Sometimes I apologize too much and other times I completely miss the point.  Successful or not, I am always asking questions, either of myself or of others.

But what I realized during this introspection is that there are some that struggle more to look into the mirror.  Hey, there are some are unable to do it at all.  Just look at our mayor, Rob Ford.  He openly believes he's done nothing wrong!  My point:  It's not easy to question.  Not yourself.  Not others.  And certainly not when the emotional stakes are high.

But there is a strength in questioning.  With the right environment, with the right words, it brings depth.  It brings clarity. And, if nothing else, I continue to believe that communication is the key to healthy deep relationships.  To dig deeper within yourself and to see the relationship from another perspective.

The energy of those conversations and my introspection spilled into a personal conversation later in the day.  I found myself explaining words from two months ago.  It's not easy having a daily blog.  I've been questioned more than once on my motives for my words, but my blog has helped me to grow and evolve.

Because every day I ask the question "What moved me today?"

Questions.

Today I celebrate asking questions because not only did it help me navigate a challenging situation at work, it also allowed me to navigate (with a different voice) a tumultuous personal situation.

Moments being inspired by powerful words.

Moments sharing those powerful words and realizing just how important it is to always ask questions.

Moments D636: Breathe Easy

Today was a work day. School work. Having been lazy yesterday meant that all day today I focused on my readings.

So not much excitement right?

That's true until my BFF informed (via instant message) me that she fell down her front steps, likely hit her head and injured her already sensitive back. And oh....did I mention that she is only 5 weeks post knee operation? And that she's home alone for awhile?

The mama bear in me kicked in. I immediately called her. I needed to hear her voice to be sure she was ok.

She seemed surprised at my call, but I could hear that though she was slightly shaken, she was happy to hear from me.

I promised her I'd check in a few times over the course of the day to make sure she was ok.

All of my subsequent check-ins were a-okay....until the one around 9:30 pm. I didn't hear from her right away. I left it and then I tried again  20 minutes later.  Still nothing.

I knew it was possible (and likely) she had simply fallen asleep, but it was also possible that she wasn't ok given her injury run down earlier in the day. So I called her.  Both her cell and her home land line.

Nothing.

Now I had a choice.  Pretend everything was okay and go to bed, or be persistent and find out.

EQ & I set a time limit.  If we didn't hear back from BFF by 10:30 pm we were going to call the police and have them drop by to check in on her.

I didn't much like that option, but given the circumstances, it was on the table.

Fortunately, shortly after EQ and I decided on our plan of attack, we hear from BFF.  All was fine, she was indeed sleeping and the phone calls had woken her.

Phew.  

I felt badly for waking her knowing she's had troubles sleeping the past few weeks, but I was also quite relieved to hear she was doing okay.  

I promised to check in first thing tomorrow.

Now I can restfully sleep knowing she's in pain, (albeit wide awake now!), but safe.  Ah...what are friends for, right?  

Moments when things shift and decisions need to be made.

Moments knowing all is well and you can breathe easy again.

Moments D618: Expectations, opportunity and thanks

This morning I woke early, on my typical daily schedule.  I was wide awake at 4:45 am PST (7:45 am EST)  - a normal rising time for me.  That's not supposed to happen on New Year's Day.  Isn't everyone supposed to sleep in and enjoy a lazy morning in bed instead?  Apparently that wasn't meant to be for me.

I also didn't want to wake EQ as he had to work today.  He wasn't due to rise for a couple of hours, so I decided to inhale the quiet of the morning and start the New Year with the sunrise on my own.

Just after 6am, I ventured out into the brisk quiet morning.  My plan, go for a walk, watch the sunrise and spend some time in with the sun before heading back home.  I brought the novel I was reading with me ("The Sister's Brothers - I recommend!) to help pass the time.

The briskness surprised me and I was happy to have bundled up before I left.  The first thing I noticed when I started on my morning adventure was that the howling coyotes in the distance.  What an eerie, beautiful song they sang.

As started my walk the sky slowly started it's shift in colour.  Most interesting was to listen to the still morning as the coyotes quieted and the roosters took over singing as the sky began to brighten.  A changing of the guard if you will.

I didn't expect to start my day with the sun breaking the horizon.  I didn't certainly didn't expect to start my year walking alone in the briskness of dawn.    What I realized in those early moments of my walk, was that sometimes expectations cause inflexibility or kill one's creativity.  In the worst scenarios, expectations can also cause you to miss a new opportunity thrown at you unexpectedly.

As I continued my walk, I pondered this conundrum.  Life is filled with expectations.  We all have them.  Expectations of family, of friends, of other people in our circles (or just outside our circle), with our jobs and our co-workers, and how we as individuals present ourselves to the world.

I walked swiftly to keep warm and toiled with this concept, rolling it around in my mind.  One really cannot live without expectations, after all that's like living without goal.  So the key then, in my opinion, was to find a way to keep balance with expectations so that they don't cause inflexibility.  Brilliant.  Not mind blowing, considering balance is the key to a lot of things.  The bigger point is to find the trick is to sort out how to keep that balance.

Talk about deep thoughts so early in the day, this the first of 2014.  I couldn't help but think back to a year ago today where I had also found myself waking to expectations that had been blown of the water.  I remember feeling crushed and uncertain of the path ahead of me.  And yet as that first day of 2013 progressed, I felt more confident in my path forward, challenging as it was.

I quickly found myself overwhelmed with ghosts.  So much has transpired since that moment.  And today is the start of another year and I could feel that I was yet again at a crossroad of expectations.  My mind heavy with thought, I paused to enjoy the calm of two horses playing with one another.

I needed that pause.  In that moment, the warmth of the sun began to break through the chill of the morning. With that moment came the realization just how much I had learned in a year.  My personal growth has deepened and I owe much, if not all of that growth, to the people I have surrounded myself with.    And that was my moment today.  Feeling grateful.  Being excited by the future and what I will be sharing with them moving forward.

So, if you'll bear with me, I'm going to take some time to thank them.  Yes, today's blog is a novel.  For those to expecting a solution to my original thought - you can stop reading here.  I never did figure out a solution to keep the balance between expectations and being flexible.  I guess I have something to chew on for days to come!  What can I say, I was completely distracted by the amazing circle I have around me and I took rest of my time alone, at the beginning of the year, to pause and appreciate them.

In the end, it's been a hell of a day, and a hell of a start to 2014 and I want, nay I need to share a little love and thank my friends for the opportunities they've given me to grow this past year.

Arizona.  What a strong, beautiful woman you are. Our friendship is relatively new, but it is a deep friendship.  You have offered me many new perspectives in the ever changing world I find myself in.  Thank you for sharing with me.

Archie & Comic Guy.  My besties. A couple that has been in my life for a very long time.  First I love them as individuals for they have unique perspectives that I love from each of them.  Second, I love them as a couple.  I truly don't know where I'd be without the two of you.  Thank you for always picking me up when I falter, for kicking my ass (not so gently) and for helping me navigate some tricky waters in the past year.

BFF.  Through thick and thin we've been.  Tears, music, anger, joy, milestones and then some.  What an incredible colourful journey it's been my dear friend.  Thank you for recognizing the value of our friendship, for fighting daemons (of your own and mine) to keep our friendship strong.  I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from mistakes made in 2013 for I know it means our friendship will grow ever deeper and more meaningful.

Bunny & Bear. Long time friends.  I've worked with, schooled with, and spent many interesting evenings with Bear.  When he married Bunny, it was a most special day to watch them unit.  They are an incredible couple with two amazing young lads.  Thank you both for sharing your individual brightness with me as well as that of your beautiful family.  I know, without a doubt that you always have my back.

Cherry.  A work colleague come friend.  Thank you for commiserating with me as we processed through similar life milestones this past year. I look forward to a continued friendship with your and your new beau.

Chica.  A fellow co-worker that I adore.  You are proof that even someone old like me can learn from a young thing like you.  (Not that I'm ageist at all!) Thank of for your endless positive energy and for reminding me that life is too short.  I love your perspective on life and appreciate that positive, self-respecting version of the world around you.  I will continue to try and incorporate more of that into my world.

Co-workers.  Thank you for making every work day easier to get out of bed for.  You are an amazing hard working, inspiringly creative crew.  I'm thankful every day.

Hawk.   Thank you for for the biggest learning opportunity of all this past year.  We have shared and lost much together over this past year.  My hope is that you find deep happiness in the years to come.

Heini. A friend with nearly 2 decades of history.  Over the years we have battled many daemons together.  What I have always loved was that you offer your insightful opinions without judgement.  You have always listened, understood, respected and supported me even when the path chosen was one you didn't agree with.  The truest, deepest mark of a best friend.  Thank you for loving me and supporting me through many of life's trials.  I have learned a lot from our friendship.

MooCow.  A new friend, adopted from EQ's circle. An amazing huge heart, ready to help out at a moments notice.  Such a wonderful energy to be a part of.  Thank you for accepting me into your world.

Mr. B.  A co-worker that I call friend.  He's nearly my father's age, but I don't see him as a father figure.  I see him for his brilliance and experience.  A true mentor and friend to me (even if he does get me in trouble sometimes!).  Thank you for all the insights you share with me.  I am a sponge to your words.

My Family:  One big thank you to envelope each of you with a hug filled with love. There are many entries in my daily blog that speak to just how important you are to me.  I am so very fortunate to have such an amazing family. 

My team mates. Baseball, volleyball, boot camp and tough mudders.  Thank you all for keeping me moving, growing and learning as an athlete.  It feels great knowing that even being nearly 40 I still have some moves to share back.

SILIS & Sunshine-Unicorns&Rainbows.  A couple from EQ's circle who have graciously accepted me into their world.  They have brought many a smile to me over this past year.  Thank you for welcoming me in your home just last night for an amazing meal and to celebrate the turn of the year.  I'm sure we'll see many more celebrations in the years to come.

To all of my new sky diving friends:  What an incredible bunch you are!  So diverse, so welcoming, so filled with life.  Thank you for sharing a sliver of your world with me.

Tree & Baldr.  New friends also from EQ's circle.  New friends that, at once, I felt at home with.   Thank you for the acceptance and love you have shared with me already.  Like long lost souls that have finally had an opportunity to reunite.  I'm excited about the possibilities in the years to come for our blooming friendship.

To everyone else in my world that I haven't specifically called out, thank you for crossing my path and for sharing a piece of you with me.  Each moment shared is an opportunity for me to learn and grow.

And last, but certainly not least, my dear sweet love - EQ.  Never has someone been allowed so deep into my being.  Thank you for turning your twinkling eyes my way.  How you ever found me I will never know, but I am grateful every day that you did.  You make it easy (okay, easier!) to share the deepest parts of me.  Thank you for your patience, for your love and for building a strong foundation for our future together.

And there you have it.  My little novella that will bore most.  For me, it's a perfect way to start 2014, with reflection of the past and the excitement of the future ahead of me.

Moments where one's mind goes in many directions, only to circle back to that which is most important.

Moments enjoying the promise of a new day, and the opportunity to dig ever deeper thanks to those in your life.

Moments D614: Birds on a Wire

This morning was our last on the ship.  Our week of fun in the Caribbean had come to a close.

We rose early and had our final breakfast with Mom & Dad.  And before we all knew it, our time was up and we headed in separate directions.  Mom and Dad home to Canada, EQ & I off to spend the night in Miami.

At least that was the plan.  Until we realized that finding a hotel might be a bit more challenging that we had expected it to be.  What we thought would be an easy last minute find, turned out to be an Orange Bowl headache. We actually spent the rest of the morning looking for a hotel room.  We stayed on the ship for as long as we could, but that wasn't long enough to search out a hotel room.   Miami was sold out of hotel rooms and those left available were outrageously priced.

And so, we had to be flexible.  We looked into changing our flight to fly out today.  That turned out to be as expensive as the remaining hotel rooms in the city.  It's a busy time of year for travellers.  Strike one.

We thought we struck lucky when we booked a 5-star hotel on one of those discount sites.  Then the first email from the broker site informed us that we would have to wait 24-hours for an actual reservation code.  Well.  That was helpful.  An hour plus later and a phone call to the broker and hotel booked reveals that there is no availability.  The hotel is overbooked.  Strike two.

EQ complained that travelling with me wasn't the same as travelling without me.  Well duh, I suppose it isn't, but I'm no fancy princess. I can roll with it.  I actually figured we might end up sleeping at the airport at this point!

Then I started looking a little deeper into the folds of possibilities.  Motels.  Honestly, they are really a hit or miss thing.  Sometimes I've been lucky and found a gem.  Other times it was a complete dive.  Unfortunately (or in our case fortunately!) not all of them are online with websites and/or listed on the big broker sites which means they don't get the traffic of the bigger hotels.  I figured it was worth calling a few.

And so we did.  After a lot of apologetic conversations about being booked for the past two months due to the Orange Bowl, we struck gold with a motel very close to little Havana.

It was a stressful morning and afternoon as we fought through the piles (and piles!) of non-available conversations.  Arriving at the motel was a relief.  EQ called it a "hooker-hotel".  It really wasn't too far off that, but at least it was clean and close to the airport.  From my perspective it was quaint, and obviously not a high class place.  It was also outrageously priced for what they offered, but it under the circumstances, it was a room and a bed for the night. It would certainly do the trick.

And then it rained.  It poured actually.  I spent the afternoon in this hooker hotel catching up on emails as EQ took a calming bath.  It was good to catch up and reconnect with my world back home.  It was strange to be disconnected for a week.

And then it was time for our dinner date with EQ's business partner; he offered to take us out for dinner.  It was my first time meeting EQ's business partner.  What an incredible soul!  Not that I'm surprised, knowing that EQ respects and trusts him without falter.

Phew - all this to bring you around to today's moment.  It felt necessary to share the high stress of today because today's moment presented the exact opposite of the rest of the day.  The moment happened when EQ & I were on our way to dinner with his business partner who lives in the area.   I sat in the back seat of the car so that EQ and his partner could catch up - it's been months since they last saw one another.  It allowed me to be more focused on the surroundings flying past as I partially listened to their conversation.

The rains had stopped and the clouds had parted.  It was dusk as we drove into little Havana to the well known Cuban restaurant for dinner.  And there they were:




Tons and tons of black birds sitting on the wires above the street happily chirping and enjoying the last of the day, fresh from the rain.  I enjoyed their song for the fleeting moment that I was beneath them.

I smiled and enjoyed this passing moment.  As we drove on, I reflected back over our stressful day and how we conquered it. (maybe not in style, but we conquered none-the-less!) Now with the rain behind us, we were out celebrating with a delightful tour of the area and were about to feed ourselves with delightful local Cuban flavours.  I found myself greatly enjoying those last moments of our day, much like those black birds sitting and singing high above the street.

Given our roller coaster day, I was reminded that storms will come and go and when they do pass, life around dries and the birds come to sing once again.  Much like life.  Storms in life will pass and when they do and things settle down, those around you sing once again.  My heart was singing once again.

I love when that happens.

Moments pushing through the stressful moments of life.

Moments celebrating the song around you.

Moments D588: Screaming tires

Tonight was the long awaited P!nk concert with my BFF, Big Sis and my niece. We had an early dinner at an area favourite, which, surprisingly, ended up being the best part of the night.

Why the best part you ask?  Well, that's really two fold.  Unfortunately P!nk's performance tonight was not stellar.  To P!nk's credit, I think she wasn't feeling well.  Given that likelihood, she performed brilliantly as she actually did all of her acrobatic stunts.  But, there was no encore (which was brilliant back in March when I saw her) and she had her backup singers sing quite a bit for her.  Disappointing.  So that's first reason.  

That said, here's a decent picture from the concert.    See - P!nk is way up in the air!

The second reason?  Well, that's because I had three pretty awesome ladies at the table with me and we had a lot of fun sharing stories over a delightful dinner.  We even talked, at length, about my grandma who had passed away this past weekend.  It was incredible and, at moments, quite deep.  Had we not had tickets to the concert, I think we all would have enjoyed sitting around the table for the rest of the evening, sharing drinks and stories.

So my moment today.  It's not dinner.  After all, I'm trying to be somewhat unique and interesting here!  No, today's moment was when we were leaving the parking garage after the concert.  The four of us tucked into BFF's Volkswagen, curling up the tight corridors of an underground parking garage, with traffic from the concert all around us.  

Cue the crazy girl driving a standard car that wasn't (likely) hers, up a ramp and directly towards us.  

But first:  Why crazy?  Well, we don't think the standard car was hers as it looked like the guy in the passenger seat was out cold and she was one nervous nellie!  As she took her foot off the brake, she immediately began to roll down the ramp.  You could see the panic in her eye.  We watched in horror as she eventually rolled back into the car behind directly her with a crack.  Thank goodness for bumpers!  

She rolled down the window and asked the guy behind her to back up because she wasn't comfortable driving a standard.  Blocked in with a car behind him, there was no where for him to go.

How did we see and hear all this?  Well, we were at the very top of the ramp waiting to go around the next corner.

And then the crazy girl gunned it.  The car comes squealing up the ramp. 

Right. At. Us.

Big Sis screamed.  And then screamed again louder (just in case we didn't hear her the first time) that then prompted my niece to start screaming.  BFF was looking for options, be we too were blocked in with no where to go.

Me.  I stared on at the scene with mild amusement.  I didn't think she was going to hit us, but here she was with the car screaming up the ramp at us.

And just as quickly (and loudly!) as it happened, the crazy girl slammed on her brakes with a squeal and stopped about three feet from us.

The four of us broke out into laughter.  

A second after our laughter erupted, the traffic ahead moved and we turned the corner.  

As traffic continued to merge into the exit lane, we never did see the crazy girl and the standard car again, but we could hear her squealing the tires around every inclined corner.  

The four of us laughed nearly all the way home about the silly moment.  

Sometimes, it's the strangest things that can bring a smile and create a conversation. 

Moments watching someone push outside their comfort zone.

Moments enjoying the silly reactions and conversations that we found ourselves in.

Moments D586: Girls' Night In

Tonight I had my best ladies over for dinner and drinks.  It's the last Saturday night of 2013 for me here in Canada and I couldn't resist spending the time with my favourite ladies celebrating each other.

It was a night filled with much wine, fun and laughter!  It`s hard to filter down the awesome moments!  That said, there were two moments that really stand out for me.

The first is an app that Heini introduced us to.  Vivino.  Wow.  How much fun is this wine app??  I loved it instantly and I think the more I use it the more likely I'll end up buying the pro version.  FINALLY a way to manage my fridge of wines!  AMAZING!

The second awesome moment was when Bunny shared a bath time story with the group of us.  It was of her youngest son pooping in the bath.  Of course, there were rounds of laughter as Bunny acted out the scene.  Shortly after the first rounds of laughter were dying down, I asked when her youngest had done this.  Her reply?  Just minutes before she had headed out to meet up with us!  Another round of laughter ensued.  And then we learned that her hubby actually picked up the feces bare handed.  After a room going eeeeeeew....we all laughed again.

So much laughter tonight.  Yup.  Amazing time with the ladies tonight.

Moments finding an app that really is perfect for you.

Moments enjoying your friends in 2013 and looking forward to many more in 2014.

Moments D564: Patience

My cold blew up on me a bit last night. I wasn't sure if I'd make it through the day let alone out for dinner with EQ and BFF tonight.  The day seemed to be long, but it was very productive regardless of the sluggishness I felt.  When the end of the day finally arrived, it was a mini celebration with EQ & BFF!

But today's moment isn't about the incredible chat I had with EQ en route to BFF's house, nor is it the amazing dinner and evening we enjoyed with her.  My moment today is celebrating patience, because today it felt like I was constantly digging to find it.

You know the kind of day I'm talking about, right?  The kind of day where you are tired, a bit off your game (in my case sluggish because of my cold) and you aren't feeling very talkative.  When you combine an emotional/physical state as this with a day filled with drop-in people asking questions and new projects being added to your to-do list, it's a sure combination for disaster.  Unless, of course, you dig deep and find some patience.

Today, was one of those days for me. I managed to not only avert disaster, but I didn't give into the malicious voices in my head either.  You know the ones.  That little voice in the back of your head calling people names for not getting the picture the first (or second, or third) time.  The voice shouting out your irritation because you've been interrupted for the tenth time today.  It's that voice tempting me to snap at people and not treat them as kindly as I normally do.

While my responses may not have been as effervescent as normal, I was able to dig deep and find the patience to squash that malicious voice.  Every time it bubbled close to the surface, I took a breath and found a little more patience.

Breathing and pausing.  What  a difference it makes.

Moments reflecting on the day and realizing you were pretty successful afterall.

Moments celebrating patience.

Moments D560: When to push, when to pull

Today's moment is a reflection of boundaries within relationships. The musing that follows is inspired by the fact that this evening I pushed a boundary of EQ's. It was necessary as we hit a strange impasse. This moment, added to the fact that a few of my close relationships have, in the past couple of months, seriously pushed my boundaries, has me reflecting.

Boundaries. When is it okay to push? When should one give space?

Boundaries. When do you grab on tighter? When is it time to let go?

These are not easy questions to answer. Why? Because each relationship is delicate. Each is important to me as I love my people.  In the end, every situation is unique and can, in the long run, affect those delicate relationships. The mere process of analyzing options to dealing with boundaries can be exhausting and, at times, overwhelming.

Often my boundaries are infringed upon, and, for the most part, I allow it, it is my own choice.  This process is further complicated by who I am. I am a bringer of light. The people closest to me have cautioned me of these infringements in the past.  I have always listened with an open mind and heart, but I believe that we all have the potential to be better loving people given enough time, communication and love. Call me naive, but I do. It can be exhausting if there is no energy returned. Today I am ever more aware of this and I've been reacting and growing because of it. I no longer want to own the disappointment or frustration that comes with having my boundaries crossed.  I am going to own my boundaries and allow others to own their actions and choices.  

I know.  It's a heavy moment today.  It's been inspired by odd, head-scratching situations that have cropped up because of serious shifts in energy and by gentle reminders from EQ.  And because of a shared crossed boundary tonight with EQ (and a subsequent discussion about it), I find myself thinking about relationship boundaries. 

What I have come up with is this:  I have been seriously pushing back at relationship boundaries these past couple of months because I believe I have begun to value my own boundaries with a more conscious perspective. It's partially because I have come to a point in my life where I am more aware of others absorbing my light and not mirroring it back. It's also partially EQ's fault, in a good way, because he's easily mirroring back the energy I give him.  In fact, there are times where I feel I am in a deficit situation to him, instead of the role I'm more used to (and comfortable with) of being "owed".  Today, I find myself questioning the silence, the lack of chase, for me and my friendship. So, instead of me chasing and trying to push and fix, as I normally do, I have decided to let go and see just what value I have in those relationships.

After all, as the saying goes:

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were. ~Richard Bach

Moments enjoying the push and pull of relationships.

Moments reasoning with oneself on life choices.