Moments 734: Year End Reflections

Time does fly, doesn't it?

My apologies for the long delay between posts, but my oh MY has it been an interesting few week and with all the emotion happening, I really have not had much energy to bring myself around to a blog post.

Forgive me?

But now, as I find myself on the eve of 2014 departing "the now", I felt the stirring to share a moment with my blog.  Perhaps the clouds are lifting and I'm more able to see the adventure ahead of me.

As 2014 comes to a close it’s hard not to sit here and reflect upon its trials and triumphs.  It feels as though there have been more trials than triumphs, but I fear I may be a bit biased based on the most recent shift in path that I've undertaken.

But, let's start at the beginning.  Perhaps together we'll find out what the year was all about.

Looking back over the year (which is something I always like to do), it's been a whirlwind.  

Moving EQ to Toronto - exciting, filled with love and adventure, but also challenging at times as we had much "new" to settle into.

Jamaica - what a beautiful family trip we had March. 

Immigration & Visas & Work:  Challenging and exciting and (who knew!) expensive!

Remembering Grandma & Grandpa:  The end of a family chapter.  This past year we buried my Dad's father....he's the last of that generation.  What a trying touching moment when my Dad shared with me, with tears in his eyes, that he is now the patriarch of the family.  I remember giving him one of the biggest hugs I've ever given him....and held it a bit longer than he wanted me to.  And I told him, if anyone, he was the best in the family to hold that title.  

Volleyball:  So much volleyball this past year!  How can I not love that?  

Fires, Car Damage & Border issues...oh my!  Yes, there were many big, disappointing, and heart breaking moments this past summer.  All growth opportunities....right?

iFly Toronto

New friends:  There have been a plethora of new friends who have come our way in this past year.  This is truly amazing.  I love the new energy and new perspectives offered.  I can't wait to get to know our new friends ever more in the coming year. 

So many CONCERTS this past year!  Elton John, Christina Perri, Lady Gaga, Nine Inch Nails, KISS & Def Leppard , One Republic, Steve Miller & Journey, PTX, Jason Mraz, ALMOST Anberlin (if they were not caught in Buffalo in the snow storm!

Competitions afar:  What an exciting weekend in Cali to celebrate the best of the best.  Here's looking to 2015 to bring that excitement to Canada.
                                                   


Cruising through Eastern Europe:  In a word:  WOW.  What an amazing adventure.  I highly recommend the trip.

Right.  I lost my job.  That was pretty painful, for a myriad of reasons.  Completely unexpected, but hey, I guess 13 years doesn't warrant a real conversation about one's career path.  (Angry?  Yup.  Still.  I'm sure it will pass.  On the bright side, I am looking forward to getting my degree done and the career adventures that await me!)

School:  As of January 12th I will be a "poor" full time student again.  It's been 21 years since the last time I was a full student.  How crazy, right?  But with only 7 courses left to finish my degree (FINALLY) it is exciting as well.  Six courses this coming semester and one next fall.  I cannot wait to celebrate that big finale!

Wedding Dresses, Invitations and planning: Yes that has been an exciting piece of our puzzle this past year.  How incredible it has been to be dreaming of our coming wedding day and building the dress I'll wear.  Next week, I'll be meeting with the dress makers to see who will make the darn thing!

Back to baking & cooking:  With all the time I've had on my hands in the past couple of weeks (post work, and pre-school), I've had a chance to enjoy a couple of days in the kitchen.  I love food and cooking, so it was a treat indeed.

Yes - a flurry of things. 

But you know what? In spite of some of the most challenging obstacles that have come my (our) way, it has been a year of growth. A a year filled with love and support. A year of laughter and positive energy, even in the darkest moments.  For this, I am grateful.  Why?

Because in this moment of reflection, I am reminded how very surrounded by such beautiful souls.  It's a moment to be grateful to all of my dearest friends, near and far. A moment to appreciate how loved I am by family and a moment knowing that EQ and I not only survived all the trials, but we were triumphant in them.

In this moment, as I ponder my year and look ahead to what is to come in 2015, I am ever grateful.

Happy New Year to all my readers! May 2015 be gentle, may it be filled with love and beauty every day for you!

Moments D694: Colour Memories

As promised, today I took the time to celebrate GREEN.  I know, I know.  I'm a day late.  Better late than never though, right?  I blame the slowness of time in Jamaica.  Having been there a week, surely I'm allowed to lose a day?  No?  Well, still, better late than never.

Today, in celebration of GREEN I wore the green eyeshadow that I picked up two years ago for my big St. Patrick's day/housewarming party.  I don't wear it often as it's a bright colour and in order to wear it, one must really be prepared to be bright!

As I was applying this colour to my eyelids, I couldn't help but think back to the day that Hawk, BFF & I were prepping for the party two years ago.  We were filled with excitement and love.  Not only were we ready to have a great party, we were each filled with the promise of the year ahead as we each tackled extremely new life paths.  Friends bonded by the challenges of life.

Two years later,  I reflect back over the paths taken beyond that night with a sense of wonderment and, I can't lie, with a touch of sadness, for much has changed.  BFF is no longer right around the corner and connecting now means more planning.  There are days I wish she were closer so I could pop buy for tea as I once used to.  It's also moments like these in which I wonder how Hawk is doing.  She's chosen a new path, a path that finds the two of us in very different worlds.  Much to the exasperation of those closest to me, I still wonder how Hawk is doing and pause to reflect upon how and why our paths diverged as they did.  Whatever others may say, I still miss her.

But today's moment isn't about the sadness of now, but the warm fuzzy memory that came to me as I applied the green eyeshadow this morning.  It reminded me of two very beautiful, strong, intelligent ladies.  It reminded me of the importance of friendships and love.  And, it also reminded me of how delicate relationships can be.

All the more reason to celebrate the relationships in my life.

All the more reason to send a little extra love to those I can.

All because, I put on the GREEN eyeshadow this morning.  It's funny how things work sometimes!

Moments that sneak up on you at the strangest time.

Moments that remind of the beauty, the depth and the delicacy of life, love and relationships.

Moments D618: Expectations, opportunity and thanks

This morning I woke early, on my typical daily schedule.  I was wide awake at 4:45 am PST (7:45 am EST)  - a normal rising time for me.  That's not supposed to happen on New Year's Day.  Isn't everyone supposed to sleep in and enjoy a lazy morning in bed instead?  Apparently that wasn't meant to be for me.

I also didn't want to wake EQ as he had to work today.  He wasn't due to rise for a couple of hours, so I decided to inhale the quiet of the morning and start the New Year with the sunrise on my own.

Just after 6am, I ventured out into the brisk quiet morning.  My plan, go for a walk, watch the sunrise and spend some time in with the sun before heading back home.  I brought the novel I was reading with me ("The Sister's Brothers - I recommend!) to help pass the time.

The briskness surprised me and I was happy to have bundled up before I left.  The first thing I noticed when I started on my morning adventure was that the howling coyotes in the distance.  What an eerie, beautiful song they sang.

As started my walk the sky slowly started it's shift in colour.  Most interesting was to listen to the still morning as the coyotes quieted and the roosters took over singing as the sky began to brighten.  A changing of the guard if you will.

I didn't expect to start my day with the sun breaking the horizon.  I didn't certainly didn't expect to start my year walking alone in the briskness of dawn.    What I realized in those early moments of my walk, was that sometimes expectations cause inflexibility or kill one's creativity.  In the worst scenarios, expectations can also cause you to miss a new opportunity thrown at you unexpectedly.

As I continued my walk, I pondered this conundrum.  Life is filled with expectations.  We all have them.  Expectations of family, of friends, of other people in our circles (or just outside our circle), with our jobs and our co-workers, and how we as individuals present ourselves to the world.

I walked swiftly to keep warm and toiled with this concept, rolling it around in my mind.  One really cannot live without expectations, after all that's like living without goal.  So the key then, in my opinion, was to find a way to keep balance with expectations so that they don't cause inflexibility.  Brilliant.  Not mind blowing, considering balance is the key to a lot of things.  The bigger point is to find the trick is to sort out how to keep that balance.

Talk about deep thoughts so early in the day, this the first of 2014.  I couldn't help but think back to a year ago today where I had also found myself waking to expectations that had been blown of the water.  I remember feeling crushed and uncertain of the path ahead of me.  And yet as that first day of 2013 progressed, I felt more confident in my path forward, challenging as it was.

I quickly found myself overwhelmed with ghosts.  So much has transpired since that moment.  And today is the start of another year and I could feel that I was yet again at a crossroad of expectations.  My mind heavy with thought, I paused to enjoy the calm of two horses playing with one another.

I needed that pause.  In that moment, the warmth of the sun began to break through the chill of the morning. With that moment came the realization just how much I had learned in a year.  My personal growth has deepened and I owe much, if not all of that growth, to the people I have surrounded myself with.    And that was my moment today.  Feeling grateful.  Being excited by the future and what I will be sharing with them moving forward.

So, if you'll bear with me, I'm going to take some time to thank them.  Yes, today's blog is a novel.  For those to expecting a solution to my original thought - you can stop reading here.  I never did figure out a solution to keep the balance between expectations and being flexible.  I guess I have something to chew on for days to come!  What can I say, I was completely distracted by the amazing circle I have around me and I took rest of my time alone, at the beginning of the year, to pause and appreciate them.

In the end, it's been a hell of a day, and a hell of a start to 2014 and I want, nay I need to share a little love and thank my friends for the opportunities they've given me to grow this past year.

Arizona.  What a strong, beautiful woman you are. Our friendship is relatively new, but it is a deep friendship.  You have offered me many new perspectives in the ever changing world I find myself in.  Thank you for sharing with me.

Archie & Comic Guy.  My besties. A couple that has been in my life for a very long time.  First I love them as individuals for they have unique perspectives that I love from each of them.  Second, I love them as a couple.  I truly don't know where I'd be without the two of you.  Thank you for always picking me up when I falter, for kicking my ass (not so gently) and for helping me navigate some tricky waters in the past year.

BFF.  Through thick and thin we've been.  Tears, music, anger, joy, milestones and then some.  What an incredible colourful journey it's been my dear friend.  Thank you for recognizing the value of our friendship, for fighting daemons (of your own and mine) to keep our friendship strong.  I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from mistakes made in 2013 for I know it means our friendship will grow ever deeper and more meaningful.

Bunny & Bear. Long time friends.  I've worked with, schooled with, and spent many interesting evenings with Bear.  When he married Bunny, it was a most special day to watch them unit.  They are an incredible couple with two amazing young lads.  Thank you both for sharing your individual brightness with me as well as that of your beautiful family.  I know, without a doubt that you always have my back.

Cherry.  A work colleague come friend.  Thank you for commiserating with me as we processed through similar life milestones this past year. I look forward to a continued friendship with your and your new beau.

Chica.  A fellow co-worker that I adore.  You are proof that even someone old like me can learn from a young thing like you.  (Not that I'm ageist at all!) Thank of for your endless positive energy and for reminding me that life is too short.  I love your perspective on life and appreciate that positive, self-respecting version of the world around you.  I will continue to try and incorporate more of that into my world.

Co-workers.  Thank you for making every work day easier to get out of bed for.  You are an amazing hard working, inspiringly creative crew.  I'm thankful every day.

Hawk.   Thank you for for the biggest learning opportunity of all this past year.  We have shared and lost much together over this past year.  My hope is that you find deep happiness in the years to come.

Heini. A friend with nearly 2 decades of history.  Over the years we have battled many daemons together.  What I have always loved was that you offer your insightful opinions without judgement.  You have always listened, understood, respected and supported me even when the path chosen was one you didn't agree with.  The truest, deepest mark of a best friend.  Thank you for loving me and supporting me through many of life's trials.  I have learned a lot from our friendship.

MooCow.  A new friend, adopted from EQ's circle. An amazing huge heart, ready to help out at a moments notice.  Such a wonderful energy to be a part of.  Thank you for accepting me into your world.

Mr. B.  A co-worker that I call friend.  He's nearly my father's age, but I don't see him as a father figure.  I see him for his brilliance and experience.  A true mentor and friend to me (even if he does get me in trouble sometimes!).  Thank you for all the insights you share with me.  I am a sponge to your words.

My Family:  One big thank you to envelope each of you with a hug filled with love. There are many entries in my daily blog that speak to just how important you are to me.  I am so very fortunate to have such an amazing family. 

My team mates. Baseball, volleyball, boot camp and tough mudders.  Thank you all for keeping me moving, growing and learning as an athlete.  It feels great knowing that even being nearly 40 I still have some moves to share back.

SILIS & Sunshine-Unicorns&Rainbows.  A couple from EQ's circle who have graciously accepted me into their world.  They have brought many a smile to me over this past year.  Thank you for welcoming me in your home just last night for an amazing meal and to celebrate the turn of the year.  I'm sure we'll see many more celebrations in the years to come.

To all of my new sky diving friends:  What an incredible bunch you are!  So diverse, so welcoming, so filled with life.  Thank you for sharing a sliver of your world with me.

Tree & Baldr.  New friends also from EQ's circle.  New friends that, at once, I felt at home with.   Thank you for the acceptance and love you have shared with me already.  Like long lost souls that have finally had an opportunity to reunite.  I'm excited about the possibilities in the years to come for our blooming friendship.

To everyone else in my world that I haven't specifically called out, thank you for crossing my path and for sharing a piece of you with me.  Each moment shared is an opportunity for me to learn and grow.

And last, but certainly not least, my dear sweet love - EQ.  Never has someone been allowed so deep into my being.  Thank you for turning your twinkling eyes my way.  How you ever found me I will never know, but I am grateful every day that you did.  You make it easy (okay, easier!) to share the deepest parts of me.  Thank you for your patience, for your love and for building a strong foundation for our future together.

And there you have it.  My little novella that will bore most.  For me, it's a perfect way to start 2014, with reflection of the past and the excitement of the future ahead of me.

Moments where one's mind goes in many directions, only to circle back to that which is most important.

Moments enjoying the promise of a new day, and the opportunity to dig ever deeper thanks to those in your life.

Moments D581: Fighting to grow

In life there are people I consider fighters.  My definition of fighter does not include the type of angry person looking to pick a physical fight, nor the person who likes to be contrary or enjoys bullying others just to be argumentative.  No....those sorts are just insecure persons unsure of how to better themselves.  No, the type of person that I like to label a fighter is someone who pushes themselves beyond their own boundaries.  I respect that, for it's not easy to get outside of one's comfort zone.  It's not easy to fight against the rhythm of others and find your own beat.

But those that do, those that find their own beat to walk to, those that question and ponder and find their own path, those are the fighters that I admire.  Today, I celebrate a moment spent with such a woman.

Some back story:  A couple of years ago, she was my next door neighbour.  We shared the front yard of a duplex and frankly, when I first moved in beside her our relationship was tenuous. As time passed and we interacted more, our mutual unease lifted and a friendship was formed.

Tonight was the second time that I've visited her since my ex and I sold the house.  It's a joy to see how she has become great friends with the new owner of my old house.  Every time I've seen her, she thanks me for choosing her over the "other guy" when we were selling the house.  My ex-neighbour asked her new neighbour to join us for a spell.  So she did and shared a glass of wine with us.

And you  know what?  I liked her.  A lot.  She's lovely.  She loves the house and the neighbourhood.  What more could I have asked for as a proud ex-home owner?  After all, I remember the last moment I had in my old home - I begged the powers that be to have someone buy the house that loved it.  I can see that she loves my old home.  And yet, I felt a twinge when she offered to have me walk through my old home.  No, I'm not quite ready to see the changes she has made to it.  Not yet.

But I digress.

Today's moment is not about the new owner of my old home, but of my ex-neighbour come friend.  She's fought through a double mastectomy last year, only to deal with chemotherapy and radiation.  Post treatment she's had kidney complications and found herself having to deal with yet another operation to deal with that.  It's been nearly 1.5 years of hospital visits and processing through her cancer and yet, she's as positive and light hearted as ever.   As I ponder it, perhaps even more so than she's been in the past.

She is a woman filled with life.  Filled with a passion to grow beyond who she was yesterday.  Perhaps a brush with death will offer that perspective, but on some level she's always had this light in her.  She is an inspiration.

And my evening with her tonight only reminded me of the good, grounded souls that are out there.  The fighters.  Those working hard to make this world and themselves a better place.

Moments celebrating a ex-neighbour now friend.

Moments understanding that there are good fighters out there in the world.

Moments D560: When to push, when to pull

Today's moment is a reflection of boundaries within relationships. The musing that follows is inspired by the fact that this evening I pushed a boundary of EQ's. It was necessary as we hit a strange impasse. This moment, added to the fact that a few of my close relationships have, in the past couple of months, seriously pushed my boundaries, has me reflecting.

Boundaries. When is it okay to push? When should one give space?

Boundaries. When do you grab on tighter? When is it time to let go?

These are not easy questions to answer. Why? Because each relationship is delicate. Each is important to me as I love my people.  In the end, every situation is unique and can, in the long run, affect those delicate relationships. The mere process of analyzing options to dealing with boundaries can be exhausting and, at times, overwhelming.

Often my boundaries are infringed upon, and, for the most part, I allow it, it is my own choice.  This process is further complicated by who I am. I am a bringer of light. The people closest to me have cautioned me of these infringements in the past.  I have always listened with an open mind and heart, but I believe that we all have the potential to be better loving people given enough time, communication and love. Call me naive, but I do. It can be exhausting if there is no energy returned. Today I am ever more aware of this and I've been reacting and growing because of it. I no longer want to own the disappointment or frustration that comes with having my boundaries crossed.  I am going to own my boundaries and allow others to own their actions and choices.  

I know.  It's a heavy moment today.  It's been inspired by odd, head-scratching situations that have cropped up because of serious shifts in energy and by gentle reminders from EQ.  And because of a shared crossed boundary tonight with EQ (and a subsequent discussion about it), I find myself thinking about relationship boundaries. 

What I have come up with is this:  I have been seriously pushing back at relationship boundaries these past couple of months because I believe I have begun to value my own boundaries with a more conscious perspective. It's partially because I have come to a point in my life where I am more aware of others absorbing my light and not mirroring it back. It's also partially EQ's fault, in a good way, because he's easily mirroring back the energy I give him.  In fact, there are times where I feel I am in a deficit situation to him, instead of the role I'm more used to (and comfortable with) of being "owed".  Today, I find myself questioning the silence, the lack of chase, for me and my friendship. So, instead of me chasing and trying to push and fix, as I normally do, I have decided to let go and see just what value I have in those relationships.

After all, as the saying goes:

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were. ~Richard Bach

Moments enjoying the push and pull of relationships.

Moments reasoning with oneself on life choices. 

Moments D550: Enjoying the Silence

Today's moment is a simple one.  After a hectic day in the office, I was happy to spend some time on my own this evening.  I made a conscious effort to not be so tuned in tonight.  A night to be "off".

It was delightful.  I left my phone in my bag as I got my nails done.  I ignored my emails and messages and sat, for the first time in ages, and watched a movie on my own.  My to do list written for the weekend, I ignored it instead of getting a jump start on it.  Then, I had a bath.  No music even.  Just the sound of the candles flickering in the humidity.   No other distractions.  Just me, my thoughts and the warmth of the water enveloping me.

I know only too well how silence can be painful or fill one with anxiety.  Tonight, the silence was a slice of heaven.

It's almost like the beautiful calm before a storm. I took the time to soak in every moment of the calm before the coming storm hits.

Moments recognizing the need for calm and quiet.

Moments enjoying the silence.

Moments D530: Dawn

Today I was up at 4 am so I could catch the first flight out to LA this morning.  I needed to be there with EQ to support and participate in "Chicks Rock 2013".  As I travelled West, I watched the sunrise from the air and I couldn't help but think about just how fitting that moment was for today's blog.

Fitting because it is my 600th blog.  A milestone on its own.

Fitting because I continue to renew and redesign what my future path is.  Every day offers me the opportunity to revisit and revise what it is I want and how I'm going to achieve that goal.

Fitting because today I am starting a new chapter in my life with this trip out to California.

A new dawn.  Renewal.  Rejuvenation.  The promise of opportunity and adventure.  No matter what comes next, it's coming.  It's the ultimate promise of new beginnings.

There was a lot of emotion captured in those early morning moments of the morning.  The depth of symbolism fit ever so perfectly.

Moments watching the sunrise.

Moments reflecting upon the opportunities that lie ahead - a new dawn.

Moments D526: Photos & Reflections

First Happy October!  I don't know what it is, but I've always loved October.  Perhaps it's the smell of autumn in the air, or watching the trees slowly shifting in colours and waiting for that final explosion of colour.  It could be the excitement of finding just the right costume for my favourite holiday of the year, or the joy of carving a jack-o-lantern.  I don't know, but I've loved October.

Today's moment came to me as I sorted through and shared out my Tough Mudder photos.  There were so many incredible photos.  My support team on site did an amazing job of capturing those special moments. I found myself amazed at the love and support that I have around me.

At every obstacle, there was someone taking photos.  And, as in life, at every obstacle I've come against, I've had love and support.

Today's moment - pausing and appreciating my support system.

Moments reflecting upon life and obstacles conquered.

Moments appreciating that none of it was done alone.

Moments D467: Old Newspaper Clippings

Today I took to myself.  I slept in.  I lazed around and watched the rest of season three of Sons of Anarchy.  I took some time to sit with my thoughts, without action.  And then, I finally roused myself to clean up my apartment that had been hit by a hurricane.  (That took me a lot longer than I had anticipated!)   As I cleaned up my office area from post-exam mess, I tucked away my textbook and pulled out a book of poems.  I'm not sure why I grabbed the book.  I've never really understood a lot of poetry as I find it, at times, too abstract.  Having a more scientific mind than one of artistry, I find some poetry challenging to understand, and yet, I do enjoy it.  So, I flipped through my old high school book, I spent time with the prose within.

As I continued to flip through the book, I ran across a newspaper clipping that I had enclosed in tape to keep the three days of clippings safe.  Interestingly, I had completely forgotten about them.  A memory that slipped away from me.

The clippings were from my high school sweetheart.  He posted in the local newspaper a sweet message thanking me for the time we had been together and wishing me a very Merry Christmas and the promise of more.  Fitting that I tucked it away in my book of poems from high school and interesting that I came across it today, a day where I was licking wounds and cleaning up my space.

Coincidence?  Maybe.  Either way, it was timely.

Moments for yourself.

Moments from the past resurfacing to offer a smile.

Moments D403: Comedy, Friends & Reflection

After work I met up with a friend of mine I haven’t seen in probably half a year. He and his wife are incredible people. They have been busy dealing with a new family and the last time I saw this lovely gentleman was just after his second son has been born, that was nearly a eight months ago. It’s crazy how time flies!

The plan: a group of us were to watch a co-worker perform at a comedy club. But first, this lovely gentleman joined me for dinner before the show at Grazie one of my favourite restaurants in the city. It’s been a long time since just my friend and I had had time to sit alone together, and here we found ourselves with great food, wine and an hour and a half to use up. It was a lot of fun sitting just the two of us catching up on old times!

There is a reason why this is a special moment for me over the rest of the incredibly awesome night night of comedy and more friends. It’s because some of the things that this lovely gentleman remembered felt like they were from a lifetime ago. Really truly, when you've known someone for nearly 20 years, it’s amazing to reflect upon how different your life has become since those first few years of being friends. He and I have worked together, we have gone to school together, we have gone out partying together, we have seen each other through bad relationships, good relationships and changing relationships; and and through it all we have remained friends. There may be months, sometimes even close to years passing before we have an opportunity to reconnect due to our busy lives, but when we do we always have a good time and it always feels like just yesterday when we last saw one another.

As I was sitting across from this lovely gentleman at dinner and recalling stories of our past, I realized just how lucky I was to have such incredible people in my life to call friends. My life may not even look remotely as it did 18, 15, or even 10 years ago, but through all those changes, all those shifts in life focus, I have remained friends with someone as special as this lovely gentleman and his now wife. I know in a pinch if I ever needed anything this is a friend that would be there for me. More and more I realize just how important it is to surround yourself with good people. Fortunately, I’m learning that lesson. Fortunately, I have a couple from my past that remind me to never settle for less that the best of friends.

Moments sharing laughter and stories.

Moments smiling inside knowing how fortunate I am.

Moments D385: Legacies

Today I was in the hospital from the crack of dawn to sunset. After spending over 12 hours in the hospital, a large portion of that in a waiting room, one has a lot of time to think about, well, pretty much everything.

In the waiting room, there were many families waiting for news about their loved ones. While the first waiting room we waited in as Dad was having his surgery was eerily quiet with hushed tones, the second waiting room for the CVICU was more a-buzz with shared stories amoungst waiting family members.

Some, actually, come to think of it, most of the stories I heard tugged at my heart strings. The gentleman undergoing by-pass surgery for a second time because he couldn’t find the willpower to stop eating fast food, even with his doting daughter cooking for him more often than not. She was heart broken and angry. The wife who was shocked when her husband fell over with his heart attack. She was too stunned to call 911 at first. She shared her terrifying story in great detail with her family around her and for the rest of the waiting room to hear. There were others and each time I silently thanked my father for paying attention to his body. For listening to its cry for help so that he was here for surgery on a preventative measure instead of an urgent necessity.

Listening to these stories and walking through the different wings of the hospital over the course of the day really had me thinking about legacies. Each wing was dedicated (named) in someone’s honour. I didn’t know whoPeter Munk was until just today and that’s only because he has a ward in Toronto General named after him. Now, reading his bio, I realize that his legacy goes well beyond the naming of this wing, but it’s purpose worked - I now know who he is.

Legacies. Interesting fuel for one that has a burning fire within.

It’s hard not to think about what MY legacy will be. I don’t have an outstanding career. I don’t have children. I will not invent something that changes the world, nor will I ever have enough money to inspire a new wing in a hospital or to establish a new arm in a university. So what’s my offering to the world and what do I leave behind?

Good question. It’s a question that crosses my mind from time to time, but not one that I’ve sat with for so long and with such depth as I have today. Today, I found myself digging deeper on the subject.

Here’s what I realized and what I am actually quite happy and comfortable about: I live (at least I really try) each day as a new day. I push myself hard every day. I believe that there is no room in my life for laziness. (And no, I’m not talking about the peaceful calm, quiet of relaxing.) Every day, every moment is a new opportunity to define myself. I may not have a legacy to offer the world, but I know that I do touch lives. I have inspired. I have consoled. I have commiserated. I have laughed and brought laughter. I know that I bring a light to many. Can I call that my legacy? I don’t know. I really don’t. But I do know, that I’m not sitting around feeling sorry for myself that I don’t have a traditional legacy to offer the world. When I’m gone, the world will keep turning and I will be forgotten. That’s okay - what the heck do I care? I’ll be ashes in the wind. What’s more important to me, is being here and now and making a difference when and where I can.

My moment today is recognizing that it’s okay to be average and not have a legacy. Through that discovery process, I realized also that those closest to me would never agree with that statement above. I know that I’ve made a difference in their lives. It may not be worthy of a namesake and my name going down in history, but it means the world to me to know that I’ve made a difference in some peoples lives. However small my contribution is to this world, it matters.

Moments realizing your insignificance.

Moments realizing your importance.

Moments D300: Turning Point. Endings, Beginnings and Questions

Today was the end of a beautiful weekend. I dragged my feet when it came time for me to leave. I simply did not want to go. The peace, the beauty, the friendship and laughter. It was hard to say goodbye.

But, it was time to head back to home and the reality of homework and the coming work week. I arrived home about 3 hours later than I had planned, but the extra stolen time was well appreciated.

About an hour away from home, I received a phone call from someone who was once very, very important to me. We had many beautiful memories, but we also shared quite a few dark ones as well. It felt like a constant struggle between us, and like the lyrics of a song I heard today, it felt like he loved me for everything he hated about me. It was complicated at the best of times….and here he was, again, in a dark place again. For him, it was time to end the ending of what was left of our relationship.

I took the time to hear him out, for I understood his frustration, pain and fears. I’ve been where is was. It can be incredibly hard on one’s heart to let go, but harder still to hang on. He needed closure to move on.

Will I miss him in my life? Yes. Of course. People that share important milestones in my life with me will always be a part of my memories. But I won’t lament the loss of this friend. I did that when we broke up. I was hoping we could find friendship again, but I understand why that can’t be. It’s okay. I have no real emotion about it (which is a little strange to me, but I’ve already gone through the grieving process) And frankly, with every ending is a new beginning. I’ve been on that journey now for some time. For me, his ending of endings only becomes my more solid beginning of beginnings.

So today, as I sit to write my 300th post on daily moments and how they make me smile, I realize it’s a perfect time to really reflect on my journey with words.

I look back over the past 300 posts with fondness. It was a new beginning for me. A journey to dig deeper and learn more about myself. I think I've learned a great deal about what I really want in life in these past 300 days. And, as mentioned earlier, I think what’s more important is that I have a much better handle on what I don’t want in my life as well. That, truly, is really the bigger revelation from my journey.

This blog, these words, have helped me find perspective. My written voice offers me a moment to self-assess every day. After all, coming up with special moments for 300 days in a row hasn't always been easy. It takes a moment to pause and reflect upon the day, and sometimes, I have to dig for that moment.

Today’s moment is the turning point. That moment where you realize you are on the right path. It’s like reliving the past, but from a future perspective. I have always believed that things happen for a reason, today, this turning point, makes me feel like I know that there was purpose in the lessons I've had over the past year. I'm more confident because of those lessons and taking the time to self-assess along the way has really opened my eyes to what I want and what I don’t want moving forward.

Today’s moment? Appreciating the depth of moments and what this process has given me. The moments that continue to surprise, entertain and offer perspective to my life. They also keep me questioning the world around me.

Moments D254: Stay Calm & Persevere

Today was a non-day. Nothing spectacular happened this morning, nor all day at work (other than getting a lot of work done as it is quiet in the office at the moment!). And then, I began my trek North for a weekend with my girlfriend and everything shifted. This drive was a beautiful moment for two reasons.

First: I had four hours in the car driving by myself. I had four hours to reflect upon the year behind me and the opportunities I have ahead of me. I had four hours to mourn the year’s losses. I had four hours to celebrate the year’s wins. I had four hours to really understand all that has happened to me over the past year. Talk about cathartic.

Secondly: I had a scary adventure about 20 minutes before arriving at my destination. I managed to get stuck; on a side-road; going uphill; around a corner; that wasn’t plowed; without cell service. Yes. That’s right. Re-read that. Stuck; on a side-road; going uphill; around a corner; that wasn’t plowed; without cell service.

How you ask? I lost momentum climbing a particularly icy/snowy hill after driving into some snow that wasn’t packed down. I started to slip backwards down the hill in my car. Instead of panicking, I put the car into reverse and tried to navigate the Northern blackness of night down the hill and around a corner. Huh. Not so easy when you can’t see 10 feet behind you. So, on the way down (to a point where I figured I could gather enough momentum to get back up!) I stayed close to the hill side and left the cliff side alone. Of course, this meant that I overcompensated and I ended up off the road, in deeper, unpacked snow, on the hill side of the road. Before I knew it, I was completely buried in snow. Yes. It was up over my bumper. My tires spun and splashed snow everywhere.

And there I was. Ten kilometres away from my friend’s house. Stuck in the snow, without cell phone service.

And yet I didn’t panic. I didn’t even really get anxious (at first). I simply persevered. I dug out my wheels. Then I dug out my bumpers. I tried pushing my car down the hill, then thought better of it as I worried I wouldn’t be able to control the momentum should I manage to get her to move. In the end, it was digging down to the leaves beneath the snow that won me enough friction to get out of the deep snow.

And then, I found myself nearly parallel on the teeny road. In order to go up the hill (the direction I needed to go) I would have to cut my wheels tightly in order to avoid the cliff ahead. NOW I was anxious. Even going back the way I came could have been more challenging as I might not be able to control the speed on the icy hill. Either way, the cliff was directly ahead of me. I even considered bailing at that point and just hiking out. (After all I had food, drinks and lots of warm clothes! I was good for at least a couple of days hiking!)

But, like everything I do in life, I gave it one more shot. I figured I could control my momentum enough to figure out if it would work BEFORE disaster were to strike. And, so boldly, instead of looking back, (which might have been easier) I looked ahead and plowed onward. (sorry for the pun!) And, as I write out the story, I realize there are many parallels between my life in the past year and this stuck-in-the-snow experience. Much like my life’s overview earlier in the night, it was time to look forward.

Then slowly, in first gear, revving my poor car until she was screaming, I managed to crest the hill. A mini celebration was had, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet. (Literally!) I still had 6.6 km of this winding, hilly road to navigate.

In the end, every hill that I crested was a moment to be grateful to my wee car for getting me over the hill. And looking back, I’m certain that had I not had a standard car (thank you Mom & Dad for teaching me standard!) I would have had to abandon my car and walk out of the woods to a place where I could find cell phone service again. I was ready for that possibility, but I didn’t give in without one last try.

So today’s moment: reflection and staying calm.

Moments of reflection.

Moments of keeping calm and persevering.

Moments D195: Closing Doors

Today was an interesting day. Today I chose to firmly close the door on a dream I've had since I can remember.

The process of getting to this point has been challenging. I’ve dug deep into myself and asked some tough questions over the past two months when this opportunity first presented itself.

In the end, I came to understand a couple of key points about myself.

First, I fully recognized just how important my family is to me. (Don’t get me wrong, I obviously love these people but I’m fortunate enough to like them too.) The thought of relocating and seeing them even more infrequently was not something I wanted to really wanted experience. It was a major draw back for me. Even so, for the right opportunity, I would have tested that theory and I was ready to.

But then I dug a little deeper and I realized that I love living in a city that is busy and vibrant and full of activity. And digging deeper yet I realized that I have worked too hard in my life to take a step backwards. Not only does that realization fit financially, but also emotionally. I realized that I've already taken a big step backwards emotionally this past year and I've been struggling to move that forward. There was no way that I was willing to add taking a step back financially as well.

So while, on the surface of it, this opportunity seemed like a dream come true, once I peeled away some of the layers I realized that it wasn’t a good fit overall. I deserve the right fit. I deserve something that better fits my key needs.

And yet, as this opportunity came to a head and an ultimate decision was shared, I was saddened to close the door. Letting go of dreams can be hard. They can also give you room to breathe and grow into new dreams.

So, do I see it as a lost opportunity? No. I smile knowing that I did my due diligence. I dug and asked tough questions of myself. It wasn’t a good fit and that’s okay, that’s life after all. I’m happy to know that I will continue the good fight of personal evolution and I’ll be closest to those I love most.

Moments of self-reflection.

Moments of choosing a path.

Moments D186: Paused Moments & Reflection

Today was another long study day, but I started it off with a moment set aside for me. Not for school, not for friends, not for family. For me.

I made myself a pot of coffee and a couple of poached eggs. And then, I watched the end of season three of Glee. It was 45 minutes for me. It was delightful and it was the best way to start my study day, for I felt ready to tackle the study day. That was a first for me. A pause in my drive for studying. Typically I would just dive into studying.

The reflection came from the finale. It was quite sad! And, it took me back in time, to when I finished high school. I realized, watching that episode, that I never went through the same process as most people do when they were finish high school. I left high school a semester early to move into the big city for a science school semester. I said goodbye before the end. And when I came back for graduation day, I was already separated from my class. It was surreal for me as I already felt like I didn’t fit in with all of my old friends. But I also knew that I had made many new friends. Yes, this finale shook me to the core. I was sad about missing that moment, but I was sadder still for lost time and the excitement of having one’s life in front of them.

I can rationalize that I still have much of my life ahead of me, but it’s not the same as that wide openness of becoming an adult. I know that I have had many successes and many failures and that together they make me who I am - I wouldn’t change any of that for anything. And yet, I think, in that moment with the show, I grieved the loss of time and the loss of direction.

It was, as a dear friend said to me, a moment to wallow. I allowed myself to sit with it. And then, when it was over, I shook myself and set to my path for the day. Studying. I have time. I have direction. And yes, while the former is limited and the latter is constantly changing, it’s not a bad thing. It’s what makes me who I am.

Moments paused.

Moments to reflect.

Moments D147: Self-Reflection - Setting up a Profile

You know, every now and then one needs to stop and take stock of who they are, what they want, and where they are going. Today I had that moment as I was setting up a new profile of me. I’ve had many moments in the past year where I’ve had to stop and think about who I was, but today, today was nitty and gritty. I needed to really find out what was unique and marketable about myself. What makes me stand out from the crowd.

This is not an easy moment. First there is the panic that I’m just like everyone else. There’s nothing special. Nothing worth barking about. Then there is the spark of hope. Maybe a little of this, or a touch of that makes me special. It’s still not gang busters, but it’s better than the darkness of nothingness. And then, the flow of that light spreads. You realize that there are pieces of you that are unique and might be important to someone looking for those attributes.

All of a sudden your profile comes together. The words you found to describe yourself sound (almost) impressive. Is that really you? Is that really your history and perspective on life? Hmmm. I guess it is. Not bad. Not bad at all.

And definitely worth a smile and today’s shared moment with you!

Moments of reflection.

Moments of believing in self.

Moments D138: Eucalyptus Steam Room

Today was an incredible day. It was a day to myself and for myself. I rarely find myself in this situation as I love to be busy and better yet, I love to be busy with people. But today, I chose to isolate myself. It was time to reconnect and recharge.

Today the sun was shining so I spent some time by the pool and read. It was cool in the 18 degree breeze, but the sun was hot and the pool was (thankfully) warm. I finished up a book I had been hanging onto from a co-worker for months now. Boy do I feel good that I can give it back to him tomorrow. I also started two other books. Triple check on the feeling good.

But the best part of my day was heading out late afternoon to the Scandinave Spa. I could talk to you about how incredible the grounds were, or the friendly staff, or the large (very hot) sauna or one of the best shiastu/swedish massages I’ve ever had in room 11. Each and every one of those pieces of my experience today were amazing moments. (And yes, I will likely track down the RMT to keep in touch with him regarding his new farm/resort project, but I might even try another treatment with him (even though I love my current RMT!!) He was just that incredible with his sharing of energy and his treatment style.)

But today’s biggest moment. The moment that stands out most prominently is when I had the eucalyptus steam room all to myself. At one point the steamer shut off and it was dead quiet in the steam room. All you could hear was a faint “drip…..drip……drip” as the steam condensed on the ceiling and fell back to the floor below. It was this moment, in dead silence where I slowed my breathing to a crawl and imagined feeling every inch of my skin in the steam. It was hot and the eucalyptus tickled one’s nose but on the skin it was a tingling sensation. My skin was tingling and covered in steam/sweat. As the steam rolled over my skin I wondered if there was a way to separate body from mind and I focused on the rolling steam along my skin, but in a detached way. It was an interesting exercise and one that I won’t soon forget.

I revisited the steam room a couple of times beyond that experience. Unfortunately I wasn’t to have the room to myself again. It’s not quite the same listening to other people breathing/moving/coughing. It was a moment for myself. It was a moment for my deepest me. It was a pretty incredible moment.

Moments of quiet reflection.
Moments for self.

Moments to recharge.

(and yes, girlfriends, be ready. This is what I want to do for my birthday next year!)

Moments D127: Teamwork

Today, the end of beach volleyball season arrived. It marks a solemn day as it equates with the end of the summer. The days are growing shorter. The evenings have a chill in the air.

As I sat around the table with my team of 8, I remember not long ago when we had our night of matches. That night we struggled to play well. We were, after all, new to one another. We had never played together before. I remember going out after the first round of games and everyone introducing themselves around the table. It was quite a moment as I, being the captain of the team and the thread that pulled all these people together, most of the stories had me attached to them.

I remember feeling a touch uncomfortable as I don’t like to be in the spotlight. I also remember the watching the forging of new friendships and I remember, over the weeks that passed our triumphs and our losses. But throughout it all, we had fun. We had a lot of giggles and a lot of laughs.

The piece that stands out most for me today, on this final day of play with this team, is that as a team we pulled together. As a team, those in need of learning, learned. Those that had experience shared. The cheerleaders who, no matter what challenge we faced, were positive and kind with their words. And those of us who pushed for more concentration and control. Together we supported one another. Together we lifted one another and taught one another.

This is not new for me, as I’ve played on many teams or partaken in many team-building activities. But, there was something special about this particular team and today’s moment is dedicated to them. As I looked at my team tonight at the bar, I smiled as I soaked in their conversations from a distance. New friends, new team mates for a new season and lots of laughter.

Today’s moment is dedicated to the two lovely ladies and the five incredible men I shared my summer Wednesday nights with. Thank you for your teamwork, your dedication and to a summer of fun volleyball filled with smiles and laughter.

Moments of teamwork.

Moments of reflection.

Moments D116: Dragonflies

Today was day one of a weekend long baseball tournament. It was the perfect weather. Sunny and bright, but not scorching hot.

I was playing left field and during the first game, which started at 9am and was 1.5 hours long, there was a point that I was surrounded by dragonflies. It was marvelous. Everywhere I looked they were zipping about, chasing one another. I fully admit, it was hard to focus on the game at times as they were simply beautiful to watch. They really are magical. (I loved this picture - and had to share it!)

They reminded me of a new soul in my life. She collects anything dragonfly. You can find them all over her home/cottage. A beautiful soul that I was lucky to be introduced to nearly two months ago now. 

They also reminded me that I hadn’t finished setting up my bedroom in my new apartment. When I first moved in, I did a shop at a storage solutions store. They had the Umbra Wallflutter with dragonflies. I had to buy one! I have yet to install them. Perhaps later this weekend!

Moments with nature.

Moments to pause & reflect.

Moments D99: Reflection

Originally I had another simple blog posting to share a special moment from today. I realized, however, after starting the title for the blog, that today is a momentous moment. (yes - momentous!) I’ve been blogging for 99 days straight now. (Give or take the pauses over weekends I am without a connection to the online world.)

It’s been an interesting process to find a special moment on each day. Not every day has an obvious choice. Not every day has an easy subject matter to share a special moment about. Some of my posts have been controversial. Some have had depth and peered into my soul and others have been simply silly. Many have offered either light and inspiration to others or words of comfort and support.

For me, it has been a process of determining what is most important to me on any given day. For on the best of days, I have many smiles and special moments with the people I surround myself with. On the darkest of days, the same applies in that there are really only specific special moments that can make me smile and shine as I should be.

After being in a cave (of my own making) for many years, it’s been an enlightening process. Who am I? What is it that I seek in life? Who in my life brings me joy, support and love in my darkest moments. Who, on the flip side, has faltered.

Over the 99 days of blogging, my quest for self has evolved and shifted. Where it was once about a simple moment, I felt the need to dig deeper and find out why that moment was important to share. It’s beyond the moment itself and why the moment inspires. During these past three plus months, the blog has also inspired many a conversation with my closest friends, co-workers, acquaintances, family and near strangers. Yes it has been interesting.

So tonight, as I turn over to D100, I ask you to reflect. Consider what it is in YOUR life that gives YOU the deepest pleasure in all that you do and all that you encounter. It’s not easy to strip away the material, the expectations and the emotional side of life to see this deep into your soul, but I challenge you to do it none-the-less. Dig deeper. Reflect upon why. Seek and find a clearer sense of self as I believe we should all keep looking and examining self. All too often we become complacent even when we are not fully satisfied. Dig deeper. You owe it to yourself.

Moments of reflection.

Moments of respecting opinions & insights.

Moments of sitting with self.