Moments D738: Juggling means knowing your limits

It's been a long time since I have be available to write!  My how time flies.  I know, I've not kept my promise, but I honestly did not expect to be as busy as I was while in school.  Looking back, I was a bit mad to take 6 core courses at the same time with the same level of expectation.  It was not only mentally challenging, but it was a challenge to manage priorities for each of the classes.  Given that they were all fourth year classes, I'm proud to share that not only did I survive the semester, I managed to maintain my GPA.  (Though secretly, I am hoping to bump it up come the last fall semester course in September!)

What was my biggest take-away from my first full time semester of school as an adult?  I think it was admitting to myself that I couldn't do it all.  I had to triage and pick & choose my projects and time spent working on certain aspects of class work.  For example, there were many group projects over the semester (too many honestly!) and my course load necessitated that I could not offer the time commitment to take the reins and manage the group.  In one particular case, that was a completely disastrous decision (we failed the project).  In another, it was smooth sailing and we ended up with an A on the project.  Further, there were projects that I realized I simply would not have the time I would have liked to research or dedicate to in depth editing.  How incredibly hit and miss and all I could do was go with the flow.  I learned to accept that I could offer no more within the time constraints, given that I often had conflicting priorities.  It was the 80/20 rule working in real life.  For the most part, it served me well.

The bigger question, I realize looking back, is can I really dial my style back to 80/20?  I'm not so sure.  While I see the value in it, I always felt like things were not finished to the best of my ability....and the grades definitely reflected that.  After all an A- (or B+) is simply not as impressive as an A+.  Still, does it matter?  No, not really.  That comes from a place of ego.  I like knowing that I've exhausted my tool set and done my best.  Is that wrong?  Some would say yes, it's inefficient.  Others would suggest that it becomes a creative driving force.  Me, I'm still on the fence about it.  (That's the joy of life, always learning and growing.)

These past five months have zipped by.  I left my job of 13 years so I could go back to school full time and get my degree finally completed.  I managed to successfully complete a tough full time semester of school, married the man I love and photographed the first ever Wingsuit World Cup Performance Flying competition.  It's been a whirlwind 5 months and as the sixth month of the year begins, I am ready to embark on my next adventures, including a new job with a company that has been seen as “the competition” for the past 13 years.  It is going to be an interesting year, no doubt about that.

I've rather missed sharing my meanderings, having some quite "brain time", but time has not been my friend.  I have been chasing the clock for far too many months now and I am eager to finally have things slow down.  

Sadly, I'm afraid that things will not slow down anytime soon, though I am hopeful.  The outstanding "To Do" list feels daunting; all I can do is take it one task at a time.  The first big task – is studying for my CFP exam this coming Friday.  I am ill-prepared for it and I have the next four days for some serious cramming.  I know I have bit off more than I can chew and I’m ready for those consequences.  I can always re-write the exam in the fall….either way, it’s all very exciting, with the exam I’ll gain some insight/experience into the world of finance a little more and within two weeks I’ll start my new job, in the same industry as I’ve worked for the past 13 years.  While it will be like slipping on an old worn pair of gloves, it will be gloves being used for a new purpose.  It's exciting and frightening all at the same time, for I've never been good at selling myself and I haven’t yet had the time to determine what the best direction is for me.  A comfortable worn glove is comforting and I look forward to the challenge of understanding the industry from a new perspective.  

The next 7 months will be a lot of soul searching as EQ and I determine where/what we do in 2016.  I’ll officially have completed my degree and we will have many more options open to us.  Sometimes too many choices can be paralyzing!  All we can do is process them as they come.

I suppose that is my moment from these past five months:  recognizing that I don’t have to juggle everything all the time.  I can leave some of the balls on the ground and wait before adding more to my plate.  This is not an easy behaviour for me, but I have learned that I CAN do it.    

Moments choosing the most important projects to be juggled.  Moments knowing that you don’t have to pick up all the balls.  

Moments 736: Water? Electricity? Who needs it?

The last few days have been challenging ones!  Oh, but what is life without a few challenges?

Saturday we lost the water in our apartment.  Yup.  Dry as a bone.  Our landlord, he was MIA.  That's the joy of renting you know, never having to worry about maintenance and renovations.  (Sadly this is not the way it is with our landlord.  With our landlord, it's a 2-3 week wait for a response on anything that needs maintenance and that's being generous.  The last few issues that popped up, EQ just took it upon himself to fix!)

Tuesday (yesterday) the city came by to look into the situation - our landlord still hasn't dropped by to check in on his three tenants!  The brilliant boys from the city, they found the problem, but they won't be able to fix it until two weeks from  now.  In the meantime, we've had permission from our next door neighbours to tap into their water and voila - water again!

And then, last night, we lost our electricity.  DOH!

What is happening to our city's infrastructure?  Falling apart I tell you.  Falling apart.

But you know what?  EQ and I had a good time with it all.  I went out and picked up 12 gallons of water (the worst was not being able to flush the toilet!).  We had lots of water (and still do actually) to make it through the week if we needed to.  We hunkered down and worked on our projects (mine for school, his for work) and barely noticed that we were missing water.  (Except when visiting the loo, then it was really, REALLY obvious!)

And last night, when the electricity went out, we didn't notice, we were already asleep!  HA.  Gotcha there infrastructure!

Moments feeling like you are camping while in the middle of the city.

Moments appreciating the finer things in life, like water and candles.

Moments 734: Year End Reflections

Time does fly, doesn't it?

My apologies for the long delay between posts, but my oh MY has it been an interesting few week and with all the emotion happening, I really have not had much energy to bring myself around to a blog post.

Forgive me?

But now, as I find myself on the eve of 2014 departing "the now", I felt the stirring to share a moment with my blog.  Perhaps the clouds are lifting and I'm more able to see the adventure ahead of me.

As 2014 comes to a close it’s hard not to sit here and reflect upon its trials and triumphs.  It feels as though there have been more trials than triumphs, but I fear I may be a bit biased based on the most recent shift in path that I've undertaken.

But, let's start at the beginning.  Perhaps together we'll find out what the year was all about.

Looking back over the year (which is something I always like to do), it's been a whirlwind.  

Moving EQ to Toronto - exciting, filled with love and adventure, but also challenging at times as we had much "new" to settle into.

Jamaica - what a beautiful family trip we had March. 

Immigration & Visas & Work:  Challenging and exciting and (who knew!) expensive!

Remembering Grandma & Grandpa:  The end of a family chapter.  This past year we buried my Dad's father....he's the last of that generation.  What a trying touching moment when my Dad shared with me, with tears in his eyes, that he is now the patriarch of the family.  I remember giving him one of the biggest hugs I've ever given him....and held it a bit longer than he wanted me to.  And I told him, if anyone, he was the best in the family to hold that title.  

Volleyball:  So much volleyball this past year!  How can I not love that?  

Fires, Car Damage & Border issues...oh my!  Yes, there were many big, disappointing, and heart breaking moments this past summer.  All growth opportunities....right?

iFly Toronto

New friends:  There have been a plethora of new friends who have come our way in this past year.  This is truly amazing.  I love the new energy and new perspectives offered.  I can't wait to get to know our new friends ever more in the coming year. 

So many CONCERTS this past year!  Elton John, Christina Perri, Lady Gaga, Nine Inch Nails, KISS & Def Leppard , One Republic, Steve Miller & Journey, PTX, Jason Mraz, ALMOST Anberlin (if they were not caught in Buffalo in the snow storm!

Competitions afar:  What an exciting weekend in Cali to celebrate the best of the best.  Here's looking to 2015 to bring that excitement to Canada.
                                                   


Cruising through Eastern Europe:  In a word:  WOW.  What an amazing adventure.  I highly recommend the trip.

Right.  I lost my job.  That was pretty painful, for a myriad of reasons.  Completely unexpected, but hey, I guess 13 years doesn't warrant a real conversation about one's career path.  (Angry?  Yup.  Still.  I'm sure it will pass.  On the bright side, I am looking forward to getting my degree done and the career adventures that await me!)

School:  As of January 12th I will be a "poor" full time student again.  It's been 21 years since the last time I was a full student.  How crazy, right?  But with only 7 courses left to finish my degree (FINALLY) it is exciting as well.  Six courses this coming semester and one next fall.  I cannot wait to celebrate that big finale!

Wedding Dresses, Invitations and planning: Yes that has been an exciting piece of our puzzle this past year.  How incredible it has been to be dreaming of our coming wedding day and building the dress I'll wear.  Next week, I'll be meeting with the dress makers to see who will make the darn thing!

Back to baking & cooking:  With all the time I've had on my hands in the past couple of weeks (post work, and pre-school), I've had a chance to enjoy a couple of days in the kitchen.  I love food and cooking, so it was a treat indeed.

Yes - a flurry of things. 

But you know what? In spite of some of the most challenging obstacles that have come my (our) way, it has been a year of growth. A a year filled with love and support. A year of laughter and positive energy, even in the darkest moments.  For this, I am grateful.  Why?

Because in this moment of reflection, I am reminded how very surrounded by such beautiful souls.  It's a moment to be grateful to all of my dearest friends, near and far. A moment to appreciate how loved I am by family and a moment knowing that EQ and I not only survived all the trials, but we were triumphant in them.

In this moment, as I ponder my year and look ahead to what is to come in 2015, I am ever grateful.

Happy New Year to all my readers! May 2015 be gentle, may it be filled with love and beauty every day for you!

Moments D733: Gentlemen

I am often surprised at things I see when I watch people passing.  Sometimes I am amused.  Sometimes I am disgusted.  Sometimes I am intrigued.  Sometimes, the most rare of times, I am inspired.  A moment where I find I have a little more appreciation for people; in general and for those close to me.

Today I watched a young man, likely in his early 20's as I was on campus, be a perfect gentleman to his girlfriend.  He opened the door for her before she walked through.  As they entered the building, she paused in the entryway and started to remove her coat.  He offered to take her purse (a large name brand bag) and helped her remove her coat.  When she went to take her obviously heavy bag back, he shrugged, shook his head no and flashed a huge smile.

With a surprised look on her face she grabbed his hand and they started on their way  Here was this young couple walking along with the young lady without her coat or bag and her boyfriend, wearing his winter jacket, carrying both her coat and her big bag.

It reminded me of my own gentleman at home.  EQ is that kind of gentleman.  At first it was strange for me to accept such lavish attentions, after all, I'm a strong independent woman.

But I cannot tell a lie, I love that he shows that respect and tenderness for me.

Moments appreciating young love with traditional the behaviour of gentleman showing respect for his partner in small mundane ways.

Moments appreciating that it feels incredible to receive (and share) that kind of respect with the one you love.

Moments D731: Your Grammy

Here is a moment I've been hanging on to.  I haven't had the time to share it, as my two year anniversary post was holding me up!

Shame on me....I know, I know.  But I'm back.

Forgive me?

This moment was inspired by a meeting between EQ and our downstairs neighbour this past summer. At one point in the meeting my neighbour complained that she's never done anything with her life, no Grammy, no accolades, no real awards to her name.  I laughed and commiserated as I haven't collected anything of that nature either.

And then EQ was brilliant.

He looked over at our neighbour's little girl, laughing in the yard with her new puppy and then back at our neighbour and without skipping a beat said:  "That is your Grammy - there is nothing more precious in the world."

Simple and to the point.  It hit hard.  Our neighbour was touched deeply at his words.

That was a inspirational moment.  One worth sharing with many.

Moments watching a complaint turn into a compliment.

Moments seeing the bigger picture.

Moments D730: Two Year Anniversary

Wow.  I'm SERIOUSLY behind in getting this post up and out to the world.  The last time I made time to add to the bottom of this milestone post, I was only a month off of when it was supposed to be posted.  Now, now it's nearly 5 months late.

April 23 marked two years of writing my blog.  If you believe me, I did actually start this post on April 23.  Shameful. I know. From posting nearly every day for two years to silence for 150 days.

How on earth does that happen?  I know it's my fault for not making the time, but I always thought I'd find/make the time "next" weekend, and....well, here we are.

First and foremost - I apologize.  I've had a few readers reach out and ask where I've been.  The long and short of it is that life has been busy and this entry was/is an important one for me.....I wanted to make sure that it was brilliant.

Why?  Well, it's a milestone.  This entry marks two years of writing my blog and I wanted to give it the respect and depth it deserved.  The pause started with the fact that I really wanted to take the time to reflect on this moment. As I began to dig deeply into it, I realized I wanted to dig a little deeper yet and share that depth, after all, that very much reflects the point of this blog.

As I gathered my thoughts to share, I was slammed with life. My final exam from the winter semester. My fiance moving to Canada. My spring condensed class (aka 14 weeks of class in 7) started, finished and then began my summer condensed class. Add in some immigration shuffling, and a few ghosts into the mix and voila, I found myself buried with life. (It happens!)

Excuses, excuses. I know. I am sorry and frankly I have missed my self-reflection moments (almost as much as I've missed my morning workouts!). My moments to pause and reflect were like a breath of fresh air at the end of the day, even on the busiest of days. From that perspective, you can imagine how busy I've been. No real time to stop, pause and breathe.

Now, not only will my anniversary, milestone post not be brilliant, the delay of 5 months likely means not many will read it.  Ah well, lesson learned.

Today, that changes. Today I finish up this post. Today I make a new promise to myself (and my readers I suppose, if any remain!), that I will continue with my blog, albeit not on a daily basis. As fall settles in (and I work away at my 35th class!), I find myself with much remaining on our plate for the coming months as EQ & I settle into our new life together. I hope, that we’ll find calm as fall turns into winter. (Hey, a girl can dream, right?) The point: I promise to not take another five months to post again!

My goal is to post at least once a week. When time allows, I’ll post more often (I do miss writing!), but realistically, I think once a week should be manageable.

Back to point.

THIS blog post is about a milestone anniversary. Two years of posts. Of course, I can't help but reflect at a milestone such as this, afterall, I didn’t know if I had it in me to keep dedicated to the goal I had set out for myself. The internalized goal: commit to write a blog-a-day for a year.  That's all it was to be.  A one year experiment.

My first blog dedicated to moments was inspired by my BFF sharing the "Book of Awesome" with me. It's funny how things get started sometimes! At first it was easy, but as my life shifted and evolved, it wasn’t always so. And then II hit my one year anniversary and I had a choice to make. Continue on, or stop.

Obviously, I chose the former.

So now to reflect upon this second major milestone in my blog adventure. The first question to pops to mind on such a milestone is: "What's the point to of all of this anyway?" This is quickly followed by has any of my words shared been helpful? To me? To others? Does any of it really matter?

I suppose, even upon reflecting and writing, I don't really have answers. It's all so very subjective. What do know, is that I've learned a few things during this experience. And some things I already knew have been reinforced by my sharing of words here in this blog.

I recently posted a summary of three things I am grateful for in my life on Facebook. Interestingly, I did this without really considering the blog posts I've shared over the past two years. You’ll see shortly the connection, but first, please indulge me to share my post from Facebook.

Three things I am grateful for today:

1) My family & friends: I know most people would separate out their friends from family, but my friends have become my family. (And ya'll KNOW who you are.) With every year that passes I am ever more grateful for my family. I had an incredible childhood surrounded by love, respect and support. From my parents to my extended family. That value is immeasurable to me. The friends that I now surround myself with, have become my extended (and sometimes not so extended!) family. I know, without a blink, that they have my back. They surround me in love, respect and support. I am ever grateful for that.

2) My health: In the past decade there has been many health issues around me from my friends and close family members. There may be days I complain about the extra 10lbs I should shed, the stress I am carrying, (or the rash that's cropped up because of the stress) or even the ache in my knee....but it's all so diminutive and pitiful in the bigger scale of things. I have been fortunate with my health. I can (and still do) play a mean game of volleyball, even after 24 years in the sport. I can be as active as I like. For this, I am grateful.

3) My soon-to-be husband: Once upon a time, I was lost in a life that I shouldn't have been living. For the most part, it was comfortable, but it wasn't fulfilling. I wasn't me. I wasn't who I needed to be. I wasn't able to grow and evolve and explore the world in a way that would inspire me to ever greater things. And then, I chose to leave that security behind in the hopes that I could find that inspiration.

And that, I did. (In truth, he actually found me! Thank goodness for his patience!) EQ has been an incredible inspiration to my soul. No longer am I lost. I am now on a path of growth having been inspired by this incredible man to explore the world from a new perspective. I look forward to the many adventures we have yet to have. To have found this love, I am grateful.

This connection inspired me to dig into the statistics of my blog.  You know me, I'm a numbers gal.  I was curious to see how it all shook out, so I ran a couple of reports on my blog posts. Here’s a summary of tags from those posts. How incredible to see that my top four tags are about family, friends, EQ and love.

I was going to do a top 10 list, but then my favourite number is 12....so I went with it.  It's a top 12 list.  Here's how it shook out:

374 Friends

163 EQ

146 Family

99 Love

80 Health & Sports

74 Dig Deeper

64 Co-Workers

62 Dinner/Food

49 Music/Singing/Concerts

44 Surprise

34 Laughter

26 Silly/Silliness

All in all, the blog sharing inspiring moments in my life filtered out to be about the amazing people around me.  I think it's something that I've instinctively known for a long time - that people are the most  important facet of my life, but now, NOW, I have empirical evidence.  After two years of blogging about the positive moments in my life, it's  my sweet love for EQ, for my amazing friends, my incredible family, and my ever fun and supportive co-workers & teammates.  People.

So what have I learned in two years of blogging?  Appreciate the smallest of bright moments, even on the darkest of days.  And I've learned, or rather confirmed, that "my peeps" are the most important thing in my life.  (This has been a standard answer in my arsenal when asked "What is life all about?"

Bottom line....share a smile wherever you can because we're all people looking for a brighter moment in the day.  Share your words of love, respect and appreciation for the people you love, that respect and appreciate.  Share the words more often than you may be comfortable with for two reasons (1) you never know when you might not get another chance and (2) we can never hear enough (or too much) how much we are loved, respected and appreciated.  These are words of inspiration even on the darkest of days.

Much love and light you you, my readers.....my friends, my family and my dear EQ.

Moments D728: When the quiet settles in

Today Heini came home from her family and duties keeping her busy since her father's death. I've kept in touch with her over the past week and a half and she's been strong and focused. She's been busy with the details and making sure everyone was okay.
And now, it was time for her to return home and dive back into her life. 

EQ & I picked her up from the airport and as soon as she saw us I could see the tears in her eyes. She swore at herself for breaking down, saying "....for F!@* sake, I was talking about the death of my father on the plane just fine!"

But that's different. That's still somewhat removed.

Now, now she is home, being hugged by people she knows and loves. Now she's heading home to dive back in, as though things were the same as before, only they are no longer the same as before.

I don't know what it's like to lose a father, I am fortunate in that mine has fought through his various illnesses over the years. I can tell you being this close to Heini's pain has had me pause and think about that moment and it's one that I can not easily imagine. On some level, there must be a feeling of being lost. (At least for me it would manifest that way.)

Knowing that my dear friend would be struggling upon her return to "real life", EQ and I stopped in for one last check in with her kitty before we headed to the airport to pick her up. Of course kitty received the royal treatment, food, water, cleanup and some love. But we also left Heini a surprise in her refridgerator: A pretty bouquet of flowers with a card to remind her just how much she is loved, appreciated and that she was not alone.

After a tearful dropoff and an exhange of hugs EQ and I made our way home for a late dinner. Only a few minutes into our drive home did we receive her text thanking us for the flowers and supportive words. In her darkness, she was smiling.

Job done.

As the quiet settles in, I can only hope in the days to come that she finds a small sense of comfort when she looks to the flowers. She is not alone.

Moments celebrating the life of an amazing man.
Moments celebrating the life of his amazing daughter.

Moments D727: Ishtar (prounced Easter)

Today was Easter and, like most families on this long weekend, a chunk of mine gathered to enjoy dinner together. Unlike those celebrating the religious holiday of Easter this weekend, my family simply celebrated life and family.

I suppose that's what we've always done come to think of it. It's not so much about the religious holiday, but about family time.

Today we had rambling discussions about religion, life and death. Interesting given that today is Easter Sunday. But today's moment was when EQ shared the concept of Ishtar with my parents. Oh, that was a funny moment. Ishtar, is a Sumerian, East Semitic Akkadian, Assyrian and Babylonian goddess of love, war, fertility, and sexuality. There are theories that Easter has roots in celebrations of Ishtar, afterall What do eggs and bunnies have to do with a ressurrection?

The comment didn't linger long before my Dad smacked my Mom's forearm and said, "How long have you known this and been withholding from me?"

Of course, we all fell into giggles as we watched my Mom's face turn from pink to a bright glowing red.

Celebrating fertility and sex - yes, that would make Mom blush.

Moments enjoying time with the family.

Moments sharing silly theories and lots of laughter.

Moments D726: Home Cooked Goodness - worth the wait

Today EQ & I planned on a lazy day and then to head to my parents to enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend with family. The Plan: Head home after dinner.

My Mom, on the other hand, had other ideas and she can be very persuasive. Her expertise: she great at finding good reasons for us to join them earlier. (How can you blame her, it's been over a month since we last saw them and the last couple of weeks I've been very MIA studying for my final.) In the end, how could we really say no to a home cooked meal when, afterall, "we have to eat something for dinner"?

And so, we headed out earlier than we had anticipated.

I am so very glad that we did.

The drive out was beautiful as we enjoyed the end of a pretty spring day.

And today's moment really was an amusing one. It was dessert.

Many moons ago the four of us were talking about desserts and at some point the topic turned to how incredible my Mom's pumpkin pies were. To date, EQ has never had the pleasure to enjoy a slice.

Tonight that changed.

After enjoying a very full meal (read that's two platefuls of home cooked goodness), my Mom asked if we were ready for dessert. I could see that EQ's eyes were half glazed over from the big meal he had eaten and I chuckled to myself in anticipation.

He didn't realize it, but I had warned him earlier that my Mom had made something special just for him.

He didn't make the connection, until he went to say no for dessert.

I watched the scene unfold:

Mom: "Are you sure you don't want dessert? I made it especially for you."
EQ: "Oh. [Pause] I'm so full.
Me: "What have you been asking for for months?"
EQ's eyes light up. He pushes his not quite finished plate of potatoes aside and says "Why didn't you tell me sooner. I'm done. I'm ready for dessert."

It was very, VERY amusing.

After his second piece of pumpkin pie, he turned to my Mom and said, "Yes, worth the wait."

Moments tweaking plans to make it home in time for a home cooked meal.

Moments sharing a surprise for dessert that was "worth the wait".

Moments D725: Connecting at the airport

Today I picked up EQ from the airport. It's been far too long since I last saw him.

Typically I pick him up outside of the terminal doors, but today I arrived a touch earlier than I had expected and my last piece of information from him was that the custom's line was quite long. In a flash I decided to surprise him inside the terminal and I went to park the car.

Of course, finding an actual parking spot took me longer than I had anticipated. As time ticked away, I became anxious that I'd miss EQ inside the terminal. As I jogged into the building and down the escalator to the arrivals level, I still hadn't heard from him and I thought to myself "phew, I made it".

I entered into the arrivals area and my phone dinged at me. Of course it was EQ. I didn't even reach into my pocket for the phone, I simply scanned the arrival area a little harder. I was determined not to miss him! I scanned and scanned as again around the arrivals entrance. Just as I finished the second scan of the room, I saw him quickly heading toward door. He was just about the exit the building!

And so I ran, bouncing around the people in my way. I caught up to him from behind just as he exited the the terminal doors. I put my hand on his shoulder, he turned, dropped his bags and swooped me into his arms.

Now that is an exciting reunion!

We stood like that, in silence, arms wrapped around one another for what seemed like an eternity in a blink of an eye.

Sometimes, the universe is on my side. Today was one of those days. I am thankful I caught him and surprised him as I did.

Moments setting up a last minute surprise, even though tight for time.

Moments connecting "just in time".

Moments D721: Penguins, Words, butterflies and believing

Tonight Arizona and I went to see Christina Perri at the Danforth Music Hall.  In a word:  WOW.  

Christina had BIRDY open the show.  I've never heard of this beautiful songstress before.  Incredible.  I'll definitely be hunting down some of her songs tomorrow.  Tonight, I want to write about the soul inspiring Christina Perri.  She brought me to tears.  Not once, not twice, but thrice in the near 2 hours she was on stage.

What an amazing big voice.  What an incredible presence you could feel her pain in the words she belted out.  You could feel the joy and the love and the fear.  It was a beautiful set of songs and in just under a week of having her latest album "Head or Heart", I've already fallen in love with a couple of her new songs.

The first song that brought me to tears was her new song "The Words".  It's a song about new love about being raw, and real, and going deeper.  Why the tears?  I remember that moment.  That moment where I realized I was deep, deep in love.  It was raw, and real, and scary.  "The scariest part is letting go."   So very true.  Letting go, trusting.  Believing.  Believing you deserve love.  Believing you can give love.  Trusting that this time, this time you won't fail at the rest of the puzzle because as beautiful as love can be, it's only a piece of the bigger puzzle of a healthy, functioning relationship.  And it's scary to let go and dive in.

Near the end of the concert, Christina sang "I believe",  also from her new album.  Again, the tears came, for who hasn't felt the pain of losing themselves?  I know I have.  A few times.  (Um, you did read the paragraph preceding this one....right?)   She dedicated this song to the audience.  Noted that there were surely those of us in the crowd that may not have been having the best of days, or weeks, that she was going to fill the room up with love and surround us with it.

Eerily familiar.  And I found myself taking a step back and really absorbing the energy of the crowd and sending out to BFF (she's sick!), Heini (for obvious reasons) and to EQ (because I love him!) - redirecting all that beautiful energy.  

The emotion of her words are raw, add in how passionately she plays the piano and voilà:  magic. A snippet of her lyrics:

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

And then she had the audience join in chorus.  Much like this live version on Youtube.  How incredibly powerful.  Arizona and I were in section A.  Our task was to sing "This is not the end of me, this is the beginning."  Very apropos given the journey I've had over the past two years.  The audience at the Danforth Music Hall great and much more into it than the video online.....we actually sang the band off the stage and kept it going for quite a few repeats.  It was such a beautiful moment....tears rolling down my face and all.

During the encore, she played one of my favourite songs from her first album.  "Penguin"  It's more a cute fun song about soul mates.  It's always choked me up.

It was a beautiful set of songs, performed by an extremely talented young lady.

Moments just feeling the music and lyrics.

Moments soaking in all that beautiful, loving energy and sharing it out again to those in need.

Moments D710: When the wait is over

So maybe patience isn't at the top of my list of strengths.  Most of the time, I can manage the anxiety that rises from waiting. But there are moments where the emotional pull into the worry is too strong.

This evening was one of those moments.

And as I waited, I could feel the panic rise within.  I talked myself down.  For every point that I was worried about, I found a reason not to worry.  White daemons.  But the words found were weak and failed to create robust daemons to really fight the worry away.  

And so I waited, aware that I was trying not to worry.  Aware of the rise of emotion within.  Aware that there was nothing I could do until the answers were given to me.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And then finally, a snippet of information came through.  Two words.  They were positive words, but left a whole world of questions open behind the door opened.

The more I thought about it, the more the panic started to creep back in.  Time, my worst enemy.  I tried the tactic of counter-reasons for my worry points...and failed.

I circled back into the awareness that I was trying not to worry; of the rise of emotion within; that there was nothing I could do until further answers were given to me.

And I waited.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And the (most) answers finally came.  A wave of relief washed over me.  I had more questions, but the deepest darkest worries had vanished, in that moment.

That moment, that moment where I felt the world's weight lift from me, that's today's moment to celebrate because I know there will be days where instead of the weight of the world being lifted from me, it will crush me.

Today was not one of those days.  I celebrate that moment.  That moment where the clouds part and the sun hits your face.  That moment after holding your breath for far too long that you are able to gasp for air and you deeply, luxuriously inhale.

That is a magical moment.

Moments knowing you are circling the rabbit hole.

Moments being pulled out of the darkness of your mind.

Moments D701: Bleeding hearts

That was my surprise when I arrived home after dropping EQ off at the airport.

Can you see where this love heart is?  Yes, that's right.  On a piece of toilet paper, in the toilet bowl. Yes, that's right, you read correctly. In the toilet bowl.

How incredibly amusing.  How incredibly sweet for EQ to leave an ensured laugh and smile behind as he travels for the next 3+ weeks.

Moments already missing your love even though he's only just boarded the plane.

Moments appreciating your love's surprise love note.

Moments D700: The calm

Tonight was EQ's last night here for awhile.  While it's only a business trip, it's a long one.  We'll both be busy in the coming weeks to keep us well in over our heads.  But it will never be busy enough to easy the pain of separation.

Sappy?  Maybe. But considering it's a miracle that he and I ever crossed paths in the first place? Maybe not. Give the fact that we seem to fit like two lost puzzle pieces that complete the picture.  No, definitely not too sappy.  He and I are too old to pretend that what we have isn't something special.  Our time together will be short, no matter what because neither of us are young pups.

So yes, the pain of separation for such a duration is a painful one.

Today's moment isn't about that pain.  No.  It's about celebrating what we have.  It's about knowing that though we are physically separated, we are not apart.

Tonight, we spent the night fully present and with one another.  We sat on the couch for most of the night talking and dreaming.  We didn't bother making dinner, we ordered in pizza and salad.  When it arrived, we shared the most recent episode of our new favourite series, Vikings.  Later, he massaged my sore shoulder and we continued our plotting to rid the world of evil.

We went to bed early and continued our plotting until we fell asleep in one another's arms.  It was a perfect calm before the storm of our lives hit, for tomorrow, it will be a mad dash off to work with me and for him to get packed up to leave.  I'll be eye-ball deep in  catching up with my readings for class (the bad student I am!) and he'll be busy preparing for his carving camp and then the seminars he's presenting the following week.

Time will fly.  After all, we're going to be busy.

But it won't be fast enough.

Moments enjoying the calm before the storm.

Moments being present and enjoying the company and conversation of the man you love.

Moments D699: Milestone birthdays

Today my niece turned 19.  I remember holding her when she was only hours old in this world.  She's grown into such a beautiful, vibrant, loving young woman.  I am one proud aunt.

What an incredible milestone.  I remember mine fondly.  My Big Sis took me out on my 19th birthday.  My first drink, a fuzzy navel. Lame.  I know, but still memorable to this day!

While I'm a proud aunt, but I'm an old aunt.  Twenty-one years separate my sweet niece and I, so as much as I would have loved to join her at a bar for her first drink, starting the evening at 10 pm on a Sunday night really wasn't in the cards for EQ & I.  Instead, we offered to take her out for dinner before her birthday outing with friends and cousins her age began.  Of course, we went to her favourite restaurant: Grazie.  (How could we not?)

Little did my sweet niece know, but my Big Sis, her hubby and her other daughter were going to be there at the restaurant already.  Big Sis & her hubby had the day off and were able to drive into the city for a surprise birthday dinner.

I warned EQ that there would be tears.  We weren't disappointed!  As we walked into the back room, my niece saw her family and instantly sprung tears in her eyes.  Mom, Dad & sister were all teary-eyed.  I love when a moment is so filled with love that you just burst!  This moment, with the first hugs of the night, was just such a moment.

Perfect really for a milestone birthday.

Moments celebrating a milestone birthday.

Moments celebrating family.

Thank you for the round of shots Grazie - a nice touch for the birthday girl.

Moments D698: Helium Songs

This evening EQ & I spent the evening with Archie and Comic Guy.  It was a joint birthday celebration, so EQ and I showed up with birthday goodies!

An 11 year old Cabernet Merlot.

A birthday bag of odd gifts for the birthday boy:  Some tattoos (I wonder where they ended up!), a couple of random dollar store games and two bottles of the Walter caesar mix (mild & spicy).  What can I say, he and I are huge caesar fans and I when I saw the mix, I couldn't resist picking him up a couple of bottles of try it out!  (Amusingly, when we arrived he made us caesars....mixed with the new Walter caesar mix.  I had a fit of giggles when I realized!)

Specialty chocolates all the way from New York.

AND a bunch of helium balloons.

And this is where today's moment was born.

On the way over to Archie & Comic Guy's house, EQ commented that it would be fun to inhale the helium later on in the evening.  I teasingly reprimanded him - these weren't his balloons, they were for the birthday boy!  Besides, wasn't that something that kids do?

Fast forward to post dinner.  We are all sitting around enjoying our conversation and Archie walks over to two pairs of scissors:  one for me and one for EQ.  I look at him quizzically.  What on earth?  With a devilish smile, Archie explains that we're going to inhale the helium.

As you can imagine, I rolled my eyes as EQ burst into laughter.  After being asked "when did you get old"?, we all had a balloon in hand ready to inhale, sing and repeat around the room.

I can't lie.  It was funny.  It was hilarious in fact. EQ even caught some of it on video.

So much for being mature, but it sure did feel good to play along.

SHAZAM!

Moments enjoying your friends and being silly.

Moments understanding you don't always have to be proper.

Moments D692: Vikings

We arrived home early this morning - 4:30 am actually.  Whoa.  Way too early!  EQ and I crawled into bed moments from opening the door.  Sadly, a few hours later we were wide awake.  Okay maybe not wide awake, but awake enough to not be able to do very much at all.

Instead of having a productive day, we had a lazy day.  I introduced EQ to the History channel's show: Vikings.  We had a marathon of the it!

What a perfect lazy day.  We managed to get our laundry done and prepped for the week ahead.

Moments lazing 'round.

Moments diving into a new TV series.

Moments D691: Birthday Cake on the Beach

Boo!  Today was our last day in Jamaica.  That's always a sad day, but I was determined to soak up all the last rays of Jamaica before heading home to a city that had just experienced a snow storm.  Yes.  A snow storm mid-March.  Oh my.  Yes, I was definitely determined to soak up as much sun as possible in the last moments in Jamaica.

And that's exactly what most of the family did.  We checked out of the resort, found ourselves some lounge chairs on the beach and watched the incoming flow of guests.  There were many new untanned bodies on the beach today.  We looked around knowingly at one another: if they weren't careful, they'd burn today.  It was a windy, sunny, cooler day.  A perfect day to burn!

One of the things that we needed to deal with, upon check out, was an entire birthday cake that arrived a day late.  Instead of letting it go to waste, EQ and I brought it down to the beach, with a knife, napkins (for impromptu plates) and forks for all.  And there, on the beach, we cut up the cake and shared it out with the family.  With a few pieces leftover, we offered some of the resort staff the remaining pieces of cake.  What a world of joy that the cake brought to those that saw walking through the resort with the cake, cutting up the cake and of course sharing it around!

A fun way to spend the last moments in the sun, eating birthday cake on the beach.

Moments being silly, eating cake on the beach,  in the sun!

Moments enjoying the last hours in Jamaica.

Moments D690: Dance, dance, dance!

Today the entire crew visiting Jamaica for my cousin's wedding joined in on a full day adventure with Chukka Tours.  The day started out with a rain storm.  It was fun to watch the storm cloud roll in, let loose upon us at breakfast and then pass through just as quickly as it came in.  We were thankful for the quick storm as we had all signed up for their catamaran cruise headed to Dunn's River to climb the falls.   There were over 20 of us.  It needed to be a good weather day and the universe was in agreement!

What a treat to enjoy a day with everyone.  It was a day filled with great moments, and today, I'm going to share a couple of them.  First, we cruised along and stopped for a snorkel.

After our snorkeling time (which was definitely dampened by the rain storm - the reef wasn't very clear!), we headed to Dunn's River Falls.

Walking up the falls wasn't much fun with the group as the tour guides originally had us all hand in hand, in hand, like a trail of kids.  It was like being on lock down when a world of excitement was just in front of you, teasing you for more action.  It didn't take long for EQ & I to split from the group and climb up the falls on our own terms.  What a treat that was.  What a ton of fun it was to play in the falls.

But truly, the best moment of the day was after lunch and on the boat ride back to the resort.  With rum punch in hand, we all rode the waves and sang and danced....and danced some more.  We all did!  All 20+ of us on the front of the catamaran.  With screams of fear (for some of our group fear motion like that!) mixed with screams of laughter we danced the afternoon away.

When we landed back at the resort, we continued to dance, sing, and laugh.  We managed to even catch some, actually a lot, of it on video!  How incredible to spend the day bonding with my family (and extended friends) and to be an adventurer with EQ.  

It was a day filled with dancing; dancing in the waves of the ocean, dancing in the river splashing up the falls and then dancing atop the catamaran.  Dance, dance dance!

Moments enjoying a day trip with the family.

Moments being extremely silly and loving life!

Moments D689: Underwater Screams

Today, EQ took a bunch of us snorkeling!   What a glorious morning it was!  Blue skies with puffy clouds mirrored upon the aqua waters.   The eight of us were eager to get into the water and explore!

And explore we did!  For over an hour, seven of us in the water explored the depths of the coral reef just North of the resort.  Pepper was our guide and he was a lot of fun as he tried to make our time in the water special.  He was obviously very comfortable in the water and the reef.  He was constantly lifting rocks and shells to show us what was hiding beneath.  Under one of the rocks lifted, there was a starfish.  He pulled it from the rock and ocean floor and  let it go near the surface.  We watched as it fluttered in the waves and back to the sandy floor below. He showed us sea eggs, and marbles, and at one point he even took my hand and we chased a stingray.

But, the best moment, by far, was when Pepper convinced me to touch one of the soft looking corals on the reef.  Now, I come from a mentality of "look, don't touch", but he was flitting about so confidently and I had begun to trust him.  I figured, why not?  I could gently touch this coral, right?

And so, I dove down with him, and gently touched the soft coral.  When I realized that my fingers were stuck in the coral, I screamed!  MY FINGERS WERE STUCK!  "AAAAARRRGGGG"  When I touched the sticky coral, it grabbed me and held on! It was like a bad horror film moment!

With a firm tug, of course, the coral let me go.

As Pepper and I surfaced for air, we were both laughing hard.  Topside, he explained to me, my cousin and EQ who were within earshot, that this coral was food for seahorses.   After the laughter all-around subsided, I watched my cousin dive down and experience the same sticky coral as it grabbed her fingers.  While she didn't scream as I did, you could tell she was still surprised at just how sticky it was!

Moments that surprise you.

Moments that make you laugh big and deep.