Moments 734: Year End Reflections

Time does fly, doesn't it?

My apologies for the long delay between posts, but my oh MY has it been an interesting few week and with all the emotion happening, I really have not had much energy to bring myself around to a blog post.

Forgive me?

But now, as I find myself on the eve of 2014 departing "the now", I felt the stirring to share a moment with my blog.  Perhaps the clouds are lifting and I'm more able to see the adventure ahead of me.

As 2014 comes to a close it’s hard not to sit here and reflect upon its trials and triumphs.  It feels as though there have been more trials than triumphs, but I fear I may be a bit biased based on the most recent shift in path that I've undertaken.

But, let's start at the beginning.  Perhaps together we'll find out what the year was all about.

Looking back over the year (which is something I always like to do), it's been a whirlwind.  

Moving EQ to Toronto - exciting, filled with love and adventure, but also challenging at times as we had much "new" to settle into.

Jamaica - what a beautiful family trip we had March. 

Immigration & Visas & Work:  Challenging and exciting and (who knew!) expensive!

Remembering Grandma & Grandpa:  The end of a family chapter.  This past year we buried my Dad's father....he's the last of that generation.  What a trying touching moment when my Dad shared with me, with tears in his eyes, that he is now the patriarch of the family.  I remember giving him one of the biggest hugs I've ever given him....and held it a bit longer than he wanted me to.  And I told him, if anyone, he was the best in the family to hold that title.  

Volleyball:  So much volleyball this past year!  How can I not love that?  

Fires, Car Damage & Border issues...oh my!  Yes, there were many big, disappointing, and heart breaking moments this past summer.  All growth opportunities....right?

iFly Toronto

New friends:  There have been a plethora of new friends who have come our way in this past year.  This is truly amazing.  I love the new energy and new perspectives offered.  I can't wait to get to know our new friends ever more in the coming year. 

So many CONCERTS this past year!  Elton John, Christina Perri, Lady Gaga, Nine Inch Nails, KISS & Def Leppard , One Republic, Steve Miller & Journey, PTX, Jason Mraz, ALMOST Anberlin (if they were not caught in Buffalo in the snow storm!

Competitions afar:  What an exciting weekend in Cali to celebrate the best of the best.  Here's looking to 2015 to bring that excitement to Canada.
                                                   


Cruising through Eastern Europe:  In a word:  WOW.  What an amazing adventure.  I highly recommend the trip.

Right.  I lost my job.  That was pretty painful, for a myriad of reasons.  Completely unexpected, but hey, I guess 13 years doesn't warrant a real conversation about one's career path.  (Angry?  Yup.  Still.  I'm sure it will pass.  On the bright side, I am looking forward to getting my degree done and the career adventures that await me!)

School:  As of January 12th I will be a "poor" full time student again.  It's been 21 years since the last time I was a full student.  How crazy, right?  But with only 7 courses left to finish my degree (FINALLY) it is exciting as well.  Six courses this coming semester and one next fall.  I cannot wait to celebrate that big finale!

Wedding Dresses, Invitations and planning: Yes that has been an exciting piece of our puzzle this past year.  How incredible it has been to be dreaming of our coming wedding day and building the dress I'll wear.  Next week, I'll be meeting with the dress makers to see who will make the darn thing!

Back to baking & cooking:  With all the time I've had on my hands in the past couple of weeks (post work, and pre-school), I've had a chance to enjoy a couple of days in the kitchen.  I love food and cooking, so it was a treat indeed.

Yes - a flurry of things. 

But you know what? In spite of some of the most challenging obstacles that have come my (our) way, it has been a year of growth. A a year filled with love and support. A year of laughter and positive energy, even in the darkest moments.  For this, I am grateful.  Why?

Because in this moment of reflection, I am reminded how very surrounded by such beautiful souls.  It's a moment to be grateful to all of my dearest friends, near and far. A moment to appreciate how loved I am by family and a moment knowing that EQ and I not only survived all the trials, but we were triumphant in them.

In this moment, as I ponder my year and look ahead to what is to come in 2015, I am ever grateful.

Happy New Year to all my readers! May 2015 be gentle, may it be filled with love and beauty every day for you!

Moments D659: Change is in the air

It's not quite spring, but change is in the air.

Today was a challenging day in that the day thrust its need for change upon my work world.

A rock should never be shaken, for it is of the ground.  So what happens when the entire earth below the rock gives way to the slope of hill upon which they both rest?

Changes happens.  It's inevitable.  It's scary.  It challenges us and asks us to dig deep.

It also inspires.  To dream.  To go beyond.  For as one door closes, another opens.  What opportunity lay before you in this time of change?  They key is being aware.

So today, I celebrate the change, even though it was challenging.  Even though the days ahead, righting our footing from the avalanche, will continue to challenge  us, it is an opportunity to reinvent ourselves.

And I think we are ready for that reinvention.

Moments being shaken to the core in an unforeseen avalanche.

Moments realizing, once the dust has settled, that it's time to rebuild.

Moments D650: One more episode

If only life were like that.  One more episode.  One more chance to see you favourite characters again.  Oh what many of us would do to have one last episode in life.

Today was a quiet reflection of that idea.  Today EQ and I met up with my parents post their recent Disney cruise with my brother and his family.  It was so very good to see them and to catch up.  There never really seems to be enough time though.  The afternoon flew by and before I knew it EQ and I were back on the highway heading home.

During that short 45 minute drive home, I was supposed to be reading my textbook.  Instead, blaming the dwindling light of the early evening sky, I suggested that we spend the time talking.  Okay, okay.  I lied.  I didn't suggest anything, I actually insisted that we talk instead of us sitting together in silence for the drive.  (Is that bad?)  I could see and feel that something was on EQ's mind.  The energy was pouring off him.

And so we dove in, as we normally do, and before long we were at the heart of it.  Without going into the intimate details, the heart of it was:  fear of change.  When you think about it, we're all afraid of change on some level.  If only we could take some of those fears of change and spin it into a new perspective.  That said, today's fears were a little more primal and deep and it wasn't until much later that I realized this.

We had been home, I had done some reading for class and we were about to snuggle in for the rest of the evening when today's moment hit me.  It happened just as EQ and I realized we had one more episode of Sons of Anarchy to watch for the season's finale.  It was silly, but we had a mini-celebration over the news.  Just when we thought we would have to find something else to watch we were instead able to dive into one more storyline with our favourite characters.  Woot!

Silly, right?  And that's when it hit me.  It's a silly comparison, but one that I think many can appreciate.  The fear of change is like reaching that last episode.  It's the uncertainty of a new chapter (or novel).  It's leaving the past behind with only the future ahead.  Will the next season be as good?  Will you like the characters that remain?  Will you grieve the loss of characters from the last season?  So much uncertainty.  Often, with a good story line, we the audience want one more episode to luxuriate in.

I think we do that in real life too.  One more moment.  That night that you never want to end.  That morning you slap snooze on your alarm clock for just a few more minutes of sleep.  Those last moments with a loved leaving to head home to the other side of the country.  Those moments telling a loved one that it's okay to let go, that those behind will always remember them.

One more moment.  Without really acknowledging it, we have mini-celebrations all the time for finding one more moment.

Today, I acknowledge it aloud:   I am going to celebrate the episode(s) that I'm in because I am simply not ready for the last episode.  I know it will come, in one area of my life or another.  Right now however, I am going to be more present and enjoy and celebrate the episode that I'm in.  I know when the change comes (and it will) I know I will be looking for one more episode, one more moment to celebrate.  I won't be able to stop that natural wish, but I do know I can celebrate a little sooner and be present today.

Moments connecting strange dots together.

Moments reflecting upon the amazing circle of love and light I find myself enveloped in.

Moments D638: Question. Always ask Questions

"Never let life impede on your ability to manifest your dreams. Dig deeper into your dreams and deeper into yourself and believe that anything is possible, and make it happen." ~ Corin Nemec

Today was an interesting day.  Swirling energy.  Personally.  Professionally.  Boy oh boy were my boundaries pushed on all fronts.

But that's good, right?  Growth.  Right?

My day started with a workout, and then a light reading of this list of questions to ask yourself.

These questions were with me as I began my work day.

I was thankful for that as out of the gate, I was dealing with a sensitive issue at work.  In my numerous discussions over the course of the morning and into the afternoon,  I had an opportunity to share some of the insights of the article that I had read earlier and I found myself asking questions that I wouldn't normally ask.

As the conversation meandered, I found myself drawing out information that wouldn't have otherwise seen the light of day.  How incredible it was.

Because of questions.

The one question that came up more than once at work was this:  "You do know that it is not your fault, right?"  This, of course spanned a deeper conversation and deeper thoughts within myself and how I engage with the world around me.

(the proverbial light bulb went off!)

Yes, it's true.  I admit it.  I own too much responsibility in many situations that I need not.  I am aware of this (more so than ever) and I'm working on it.   That said, I really don't want to turn into that person that shirks responsibility.

I found myself reflecting, questioning my words, questioning my position.  For the most part I know what I did (or didn't do).   I can look long and deep into the mirror and accept my faults and apologize for them when I need too.  This is not always easy and many times I falter during the process.  Sometimes I apologize too much and other times I completely miss the point.  Successful or not, I am always asking questions, either of myself or of others.

But what I realized during this introspection is that there are some that struggle more to look into the mirror.  Hey, there are some are unable to do it at all.  Just look at our mayor, Rob Ford.  He openly believes he's done nothing wrong!  My point:  It's not easy to question.  Not yourself.  Not others.  And certainly not when the emotional stakes are high.

But there is a strength in questioning.  With the right environment, with the right words, it brings depth.  It brings clarity. And, if nothing else, I continue to believe that communication is the key to healthy deep relationships.  To dig deeper within yourself and to see the relationship from another perspective.

The energy of those conversations and my introspection spilled into a personal conversation later in the day.  I found myself explaining words from two months ago.  It's not easy having a daily blog.  I've been questioned more than once on my motives for my words, but my blog has helped me to grow and evolve.

Because every day I ask the question "What moved me today?"

Questions.

Today I celebrate asking questions because not only did it help me navigate a challenging situation at work, it also allowed me to navigate (with a different voice) a tumultuous personal situation.

Moments being inspired by powerful words.

Moments sharing those powerful words and realizing just how important it is to always ask questions.

Moments D546: Fly me to the Moon

Today was a day of sitting on pins and needles, waiting. Sometimes waiting can be ever so torturous.  Believe me, today was one of those days!

Strangely, it was also highly productive day as I dove in deep trying to shed the excess energy swirling about me.  I was a machine burning off all that excess energy!  I'm the worst at waiting for these moments to arrive.  I tend to over-analyze and over-think a coming moment such as this.  A moment that I've prepared for, certainly for days, if not for weeks.  And the time was nearly upon me.  

Seriously.  Imagine all the pent up energy pent after all the twists and turns of the past month (or so).  The highs, the lows.  And now, I found the moment upon upon me.  It was time to share my news with "the powers that be".  It was time to start spreading the news and I was high on love and flying over the moon at the thought and anticipation of sharing my news.  

I was nervous.  Terribly nervous.  More nervous than I should have been, after all it was good news.  In fact, our final plan ended up becoming a win-win-win situation for all involved.  So why all the nerves?  

WELL......

Imagine the pent up energy from sitting on news this big for two weeks.

Imagine the emotional turmoil from shifting gears (back and forth and back again!) over those two weeks.

Add to that, the eerie silence and the inability to share with everyone. Add in the loss of a close friend and the inability to openly share and celebrate.  Frankly, there was, simply,  a lot of energy and words waiting to explode out into the universe from my heart & soul.  Even in today's moment, I had to contain their power.  I had to find a way to gently open the flood gates.  Baby steps.  

Believe me, baby steps are not easy, when you are holding back that much energy!

And yet.  I did it.

With shaky hands and a flutter in my heart I finally shared my recently solidified plan and news.  And, even though the plan has dramatically changed over the last week, it is a solid plan and it's extremely exciting.  Honestly, it was hard not to just have a silly grin on my face and babble about sparkles, unicorns and rainbows.

I'm rambling.  I know.  What can I say.  TOO. MUCH. ENERGY!

Okay focus.  

My moment today?  I managed to pull myself together.  I centred and grounded myself and I shared my news with, hopefully, few tell-tale signs of the nerves behind the words.    I hit the key points.  I was flexible and went with the flow of the conversation.  And, while there was excitement in the air, the business points were not lost.

But believe me, once the news and the proposal was out, I was internally doing the happy dance.  A mini-moment of celebration.  I barely contained myself from squealing over and over again.  (And I admit, I still let it slip at the end of my big conversation tonight.)

It's a good thing I was meeting Archie and Comic Guy for dinner and a show after work.  I needed to share out all that energy and love.

What an incredible day.  One, that I'm sure will be followed by many more as my love inches ever closer to me in our quest to continue to dig deep with one another.  We are officially on that path together.  And now, now the world knows.

Watch out world.  You have no idea what you are in for.

Moments waiting in anticipation.  

Moments pulling yourself together defeating the nerves within.

Moments D332: Change

It always amazes me how quickly change can fall upon us. One moment you are walking in one direction and the winds of change push you in a completely different direction.

A good sleep brought on by exhaustion the night before, disrupted by an incoming text anxious for response.

A cloudy day transforms into one filled with sunshine.

A calm day turns into one filled with action.

It all happened so quickly. And before I knew it, the day was over and I found myself reflecting upon change. And honestly, I was glad the day was over so I could go home and enjoy the quiet stability of home alone.

It’s not that I mind change, I really don’t, but sometimes it feels more productive when your plans follow through as expected. And sometimes, when big changes happen unexpectedly, it can be overwhelming.

But I can deal with overwhelming because, as Viktor E. Frankl says: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

So today’s challenges and shifting winds forced me to grow. Forced me to see the situation and people in a new light. Today I fully embraced change.

Moments D330: Bitter Sweet

Today one of our own had a door of opportunity open for her. A brilliant opportunity in fact. A brilliant opportunity for a brilliantly talented soul.

It was a bitter sweet moment. I’m excited for her, but I’m sad to see her go.

Today a beautiful bird streched her wings and I watch on as she prepares to take flight and leave the nest.

Moments celebrating talent.
Moments celebrating change.

Moments D314: Mind-Sets

Today’s moment? A profound one where I found myself thinking about the difference one’s mind-set makes to any given situation. I also contemplated how easy it can be to oscillate between the two extremes. Let me explain.

Sometimes it’s challenging to decipher between what is real and what is one’s imagination. For example, who has written our history? What perspective is shared of that history? Is it the victor? The oppressed? The hopeful? Perspective matters.

This I realize more profoundly some how today. After a series of events in the past days, I realize that it matters.

Why? Well because I think some have a mind-set that is easy to darken their thoughts and see only the negative side to any given situation. While others may find it easier to experience the same moment through rose coloured glasses. Others yet flip between the two extremes.

Who is seeing it as it is?

Is that even possible? Can we remove our filters to see it as it is?

What then becomes of reality?

What is real? What is imagined? Why do some lean toward darker visions while others brighten the same in the glow of their positivity?

Today - an inquisitive evening and a moment leaving me to ponder.

Moments lost in thought and unable to it into reality.

Moments D308: Fly

Sometimes it is challenging to accept change. Sometimes it is even harder to instigate change.  And sometimes, yes sometimes we have no choice.  The waves of change push us beyond our comfortable cocoon.

Today was one of those days for me.  It was light of understanding that washed over me after a conversation with a colleague of mine.  (This a man I respect greatly!)  He told me to fly.  His simple, yet (always) elegant words inspired me to believe.

His words “Think just how much more beautiful a butterfly is to look at than a cocoon.”

Today:  a day where I realized the cocoon isn’t necessarily the best place to be.

Moments where you believe you can fly.

Moments - D56; Resistance to Change

Why is it that most of us are so resistant to change? I know that I’m a fan of growing, learning and evolving and yet, confronted with major life changes I too fall to the realm of fear.

And yet I have persevered. I have made some big life decisions in the last 8 months and I find I still have a few yet to work through. It’s these few that bring such fear into my world. Fear of choosing the wrong path. Fear of sharing too much. Fear of not sharing enough.

Strip away the fear (which I believe really is at the core of us all - fear and love are the seeds IMHO) and what is left? Opportunity. Opportunity to choose a different path or tweak the one you are on. Opportunity to share with someone new or to dive in deeper with someone close to you. An opportunity to push your boundaries or to snuggle in. Change is a catalyst. It’s the unknown we fear most.

This moment, this insight was inspired by an article shared with me by a new friend. It reminded me to rediscover ME, to appreciate the beauty around me AND the beauty within.

An enlightening moment to remember that “Each small step is a major victory, and a step closer to what is right, to hózhó, Walking in Beauty.”