Moments 734: Year End Reflections

Time does fly, doesn't it?

My apologies for the long delay between posts, but my oh MY has it been an interesting few week and with all the emotion happening, I really have not had much energy to bring myself around to a blog post.

Forgive me?

But now, as I find myself on the eve of 2014 departing "the now", I felt the stirring to share a moment with my blog.  Perhaps the clouds are lifting and I'm more able to see the adventure ahead of me.

As 2014 comes to a close it’s hard not to sit here and reflect upon its trials and triumphs.  It feels as though there have been more trials than triumphs, but I fear I may be a bit biased based on the most recent shift in path that I've undertaken.

But, let's start at the beginning.  Perhaps together we'll find out what the year was all about.

Looking back over the year (which is something I always like to do), it's been a whirlwind.  

Moving EQ to Toronto - exciting, filled with love and adventure, but also challenging at times as we had much "new" to settle into.

Jamaica - what a beautiful family trip we had March. 

Immigration & Visas & Work:  Challenging and exciting and (who knew!) expensive!

Remembering Grandma & Grandpa:  The end of a family chapter.  This past year we buried my Dad's father....he's the last of that generation.  What a trying touching moment when my Dad shared with me, with tears in his eyes, that he is now the patriarch of the family.  I remember giving him one of the biggest hugs I've ever given him....and held it a bit longer than he wanted me to.  And I told him, if anyone, he was the best in the family to hold that title.  

Volleyball:  So much volleyball this past year!  How can I not love that?  

Fires, Car Damage & Border issues...oh my!  Yes, there were many big, disappointing, and heart breaking moments this past summer.  All growth opportunities....right?

iFly Toronto

New friends:  There have been a plethora of new friends who have come our way in this past year.  This is truly amazing.  I love the new energy and new perspectives offered.  I can't wait to get to know our new friends ever more in the coming year. 

So many CONCERTS this past year!  Elton John, Christina Perri, Lady Gaga, Nine Inch Nails, KISS & Def Leppard , One Republic, Steve Miller & Journey, PTX, Jason Mraz, ALMOST Anberlin (if they were not caught in Buffalo in the snow storm!

Competitions afar:  What an exciting weekend in Cali to celebrate the best of the best.  Here's looking to 2015 to bring that excitement to Canada.
                                                   


Cruising through Eastern Europe:  In a word:  WOW.  What an amazing adventure.  I highly recommend the trip.

Right.  I lost my job.  That was pretty painful, for a myriad of reasons.  Completely unexpected, but hey, I guess 13 years doesn't warrant a real conversation about one's career path.  (Angry?  Yup.  Still.  I'm sure it will pass.  On the bright side, I am looking forward to getting my degree done and the career adventures that await me!)

School:  As of January 12th I will be a "poor" full time student again.  It's been 21 years since the last time I was a full student.  How crazy, right?  But with only 7 courses left to finish my degree (FINALLY) it is exciting as well.  Six courses this coming semester and one next fall.  I cannot wait to celebrate that big finale!

Wedding Dresses, Invitations and planning: Yes that has been an exciting piece of our puzzle this past year.  How incredible it has been to be dreaming of our coming wedding day and building the dress I'll wear.  Next week, I'll be meeting with the dress makers to see who will make the darn thing!

Back to baking & cooking:  With all the time I've had on my hands in the past couple of weeks (post work, and pre-school), I've had a chance to enjoy a couple of days in the kitchen.  I love food and cooking, so it was a treat indeed.

Yes - a flurry of things. 

But you know what? In spite of some of the most challenging obstacles that have come my (our) way, it has been a year of growth. A a year filled with love and support. A year of laughter and positive energy, even in the darkest moments.  For this, I am grateful.  Why?

Because in this moment of reflection, I am reminded how very surrounded by such beautiful souls.  It's a moment to be grateful to all of my dearest friends, near and far. A moment to appreciate how loved I am by family and a moment knowing that EQ and I not only survived all the trials, but we were triumphant in them.

In this moment, as I ponder my year and look ahead to what is to come in 2015, I am ever grateful.

Happy New Year to all my readers! May 2015 be gentle, may it be filled with love and beauty every day for you!

Moments D660: It's done. Phew.

Another midterm under my belt.  I survived it.  It wasn't pretty, but I wasn't really expecting it to be.  The first part wasn't as hard as I expected.  The last part, sadly, was harder than I expected.  Of course, that last question was worth the most on this test.

Was I disappointed in my performance?  Yes.  I ran out of time.  I know, with more time, I would have offered up a better tax report for that final question.  I simply ran out of time.  I wasn't fast enough in applying the knowledge I had in my brain ad it's going to cost me dearly.

But, as disappointed as I was, I found myself shaking it off quicker than ever.  I was very much looking forward to being home and curling up with EQ on the couch for a couple of hours before heading to bed.  I know how hard the past few days have been on him, on me and on us.

And so, I stopped on my way home and picked up dinner for the two of us.  When I arrived home, I could tell that his bad day had gotten the best of him too.  With both of us licking wounds, we ate in a content silence as we watched a couple of Ted Talks.

At one point, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it.  He said no.

At another point in time, he asked me if I wanted to talk about my midterm.  I declined.

And shortly after that, we decided to end this day, crawl in bed and pull the covers over our head.

Phew.  It's done.  This day is finally over.  Now for sleep and to begin anew tomorrow with a refreshed view on how to tackle the next half of this semester.

Moments struggling with the day's events.

Moments realizing it's not so bad and after a good night's sleep, it will barely be a blip on the screen.

Moments D656: Study breaks

Today was day one of hard core studying for my coming midterm.  I haven't been a very diligent student to date this semester and it's showing.  Between unexpected distractions to a shift in life priorities, my readings have taken a back seat to other things.

Today, there was no more delaying.  It was time to dig in, and dig in deep.

And I'm learning.  Not only the subject that I'm supposed to be focused on, but about taking better care of myself.  I paused mid-day and had a good catch up with BFF.  I took micro-breaks throughout the day and caught up with EQ.  I also ended the day earlier than I normally would so that EQ and I could enjoy a date night together.

Looking back, it's been a good, productive day.  I feel a little uneasy with the work left to do before my midterm, but in the end, I'm also trying to let go of my need for that A+.  Really.  Is that so darn important?Nope.  Definitely not.  It's time that need take a back burner.  It hasn't been easy for me to shift gears, but I can feel the shift more than ever.

That said, tomorrow I'll start a little earlier and work a little later to get more of what I feel I need to get done.  What can I say, I'm slow to shift.

Moments focusing on the back-burner.

Moments realizing that I don't need to push quite so hard.

Moments D655: Debatable

I've never been good at debates.  Some of those closest to me may disagree.  Come to think of it, they may even vehemently disagree with that point.

So let me clarify.  Organized debates.  Debates with high stakes, be it high emotion, high passion, or simply leading towards an important outcome.  Nerves would get the best of me.

Tonight, I watch part of the Bill Nye and Ken Ham debate.  Science vs. Genesis.  Wow.  Talk about high stakes.

It was fascinating to watch to diametrically opposed positions walk through their points to support their positions.  It was even more fascinating to watch them counter-point their opponents points.

I surprised myself watching this debate.  First and foremost, I found myself open minded enough to really listen and pay attention to Ken Ham's points.  Secondly, I actually found myself giving a few nods to Ken Ham's points than I had ever expected.  He was an eloquent speaker and though he sounded defensive more often than not, he had a true path.

Bill Nye was brilliant.  In front of a room of opponents to his view, he walked through his science of life against the most extraordinary claims made by Ken Ham's model of life.

It's an incredible debate.  Watch it.  Talk about it.  Grow from it.

Moments knowing you've grown by experiencing something new.

Moments knowing you should share this experience to help others to grow too.

Moments D646: Post Quiz Revelations

Today was not an easy day.  I haven't been feeling well.   I have also been trying to get back into the swing of school and failing miserably at finding my groove.  My mind has been filled with work "to dos" and my body and mind have been too tired to really dig into extra work or school readings.  Not a good combination given that I had my first quiz this evening in class.

Fortunately, I was spaced out enough that I didn't really stress too much about my first quiz.  It was only worth 10% of my final mark.  No problem.  I can swallow that and make up for it if I need to.  (right?) It was okay that I hadn't read all my chapters.  I had my class notes and had walked through the problems assigned to me.  I should be able to survive the quiz and that would be good enough. (right?)

Good enough.  What?  A year ago I would have been really stressed over the missed readings and extra time devoted to thoroughly understanding the material before this quiz.  Not tonight.  No, not tonight.  Who the heck am I?

It's one thing to logically talk yourself into "this is okay" and another thing entirely to believe it once you walk away from that conversation.  (In my case, a conversation with myself!)  And I wasn't entirely convinced that I was believing that it was okay until  today's moment happened.

Today's moment happened just after meeting up with EQ, Comic Guy and Archie for a late dinner and drink.  I really was okay with the fact that I likely didn't do well on this quiz.  I believed it.  It wasn't just lip service.  It was that moment when I admitted to Archie that I was okay even though I'm certain that my quiz did not go well.  That moment that was the tiniest of blips in my day, but it was a significant one looking back on it.

Instead we sat and had big meaningful life changing conversations.  It was incredible and empowering.

That said, you know it means that I'm not going to fight like hell to do much, much better on the rest of my tests in this class, but for this moment, I was okay with "good enough".

Moments recognizing self-growth.

Moments knowing (and believing) that the golf balls in your life really are more important.

Moments D620: Big ol' TRUCKS

Me, I like little sporty cars.  I miss my Tink!  (Yes, I named my car!)

Too bad because EQ has a big truck.  I haven't driven a boat that big ever.  (Though I did drive a fairly big car way back in my teens.)

Tonight I had my second opportunity to drive the truck and this time, it wasn't easy highway driving.  (Otherwise known as freeway driving here in the states!)  No no!  This time I was driving us around town running a few errands this evening.  That meant driving in some tight spaces and from one (small) parking spot to another.

At first, I was a nervous nellie, after all this monster is the biggest thing I have ever driven.  That said, with every parking job I made, I found the next to be a little easier.  By the time we made it home, I was ready to back in the truck into its parking spot.

EQ wasn't feeling so confident about that (at the time), but I proved that I could do it.  Slow and steady I slipped his beast back into its cage.

Beautiful.  I love stretching my world.

Moments learning something new.

Moments finding confidence.

Moments D480: Switch it Up

Today was one of those days where things didn't turn out as they were planned.  But as the plans shifted, so did I.  Over the past year I've become a little better at going with the flow and shifting plans as needed.  Today, as I drove to Newmarket instead of driving home and working on a birthday project, I reflected upon this shift.

Why is it that it was so easy for me today?

In the past, I tended to really own my plans and I would feel like I have failed when things fall through.  The shift comes because I have started to change as a person in that I realize one really can't control everything.  And that's okay.  I realize that it's okay to let life happen to you (sometimes).  The driven side of me fears becoming like the zombie people I know always letting life happen to them.  I'm more aware now, that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, that sometimes, it's easier and makes more sense to just let things organically happen.

That means that I'm really okay with switching it up now more than ever.  (I'm not just pretending to be okay about it!)  Today's switch up didn't even phase me.  There was no negative energy, there was no panic, nor any regret.  Today the switch up was easy!  I even smiled at the opportunity to do something else just as important to me.

Bangarang.

It just goes to show that with a little awareness and patience old dogs really can learn new tricks.

Moments realizing you've grown as a person.

Moments going with the flow.

Moments D438: Hot Hot Heat

Here in the big smoke it's been hot and muggy. Pretty typical for summer in the city, but that's nothing in comparison to a friend of mine who recently found himself stranded in the desert without enough water.   (Seriously.  And he knows better!)

With temperatures over 120 degrees F, the sun hot on his back, it was not a good situation.  My day's moment is not about his dangerous moment, so I won't bore you with the frightening statistics and details.  But, there there are similarities to the shift in energy that EQ experienced and self-awareness that followed, to my own only two days ago.  Know that this life threatening situation was resolved and what followed this hot hot mess, was my inspired moment of the day.

Mentally and physically exhausted from his ordeal, EQ found himself in a euphoric state when he arrived at his hotel for the night.  Having survived the fiery halls of hell (not without blisters and rashes), he found himself riding through a sky full of fourth of July fireworks which were followed by nature's own fireworks:  A thunderstorm in the desert.  As the charged rains finally washed over him, he found himself celebrating.  From the fiery halls of hell to such jubilation:  a ride like none other he's experienced before.

Earlier in the day I was worried for him on his hot hot adventure so I was happy to hear of his adventure from his hotel very early this morning. And as I watched his retelling of the tale, I could nearly see the energy pouring from him.  It was tangible.  He was alight from the self-reflections of the day, the extremes and the significance of many moments throughout his day.  His excitement as he shared his triumphant celebration of exiting the fiery halls of hell, was captivating and inspiring.    Many, MANY miles away from the hot, hot heat of Toronto, I could see, and feel that this was a momentous experience for him.

My moment:  sitting back and enjoying his euphoria.  Always one to revel in another's joy, I find I look for moments where I can partake in the excitement and growth of  friends and family around me.  After all, digging deeper.  Isn't that what it's all about?

This was a moment that I will not soon forget.    Such raw energy.

Moments shared.
Moments that inspire your own cleansing.

Moments D254: Stay Calm & Persevere

Today was a non-day. Nothing spectacular happened this morning, nor all day at work (other than getting a lot of work done as it is quiet in the office at the moment!). And then, I began my trek North for a weekend with my girlfriend and everything shifted. This drive was a beautiful moment for two reasons.

First: I had four hours in the car driving by myself. I had four hours to reflect upon the year behind me and the opportunities I have ahead of me. I had four hours to mourn the year’s losses. I had four hours to celebrate the year’s wins. I had four hours to really understand all that has happened to me over the past year. Talk about cathartic.

Secondly: I had a scary adventure about 20 minutes before arriving at my destination. I managed to get stuck; on a side-road; going uphill; around a corner; that wasn’t plowed; without cell service. Yes. That’s right. Re-read that. Stuck; on a side-road; going uphill; around a corner; that wasn’t plowed; without cell service.

How you ask? I lost momentum climbing a particularly icy/snowy hill after driving into some snow that wasn’t packed down. I started to slip backwards down the hill in my car. Instead of panicking, I put the car into reverse and tried to navigate the Northern blackness of night down the hill and around a corner. Huh. Not so easy when you can’t see 10 feet behind you. So, on the way down (to a point where I figured I could gather enough momentum to get back up!) I stayed close to the hill side and left the cliff side alone. Of course, this meant that I overcompensated and I ended up off the road, in deeper, unpacked snow, on the hill side of the road. Before I knew it, I was completely buried in snow. Yes. It was up over my bumper. My tires spun and splashed snow everywhere.

And there I was. Ten kilometres away from my friend’s house. Stuck in the snow, without cell phone service.

And yet I didn’t panic. I didn’t even really get anxious (at first). I simply persevered. I dug out my wheels. Then I dug out my bumpers. I tried pushing my car down the hill, then thought better of it as I worried I wouldn’t be able to control the momentum should I manage to get her to move. In the end, it was digging down to the leaves beneath the snow that won me enough friction to get out of the deep snow.

And then, I found myself nearly parallel on the teeny road. In order to go up the hill (the direction I needed to go) I would have to cut my wheels tightly in order to avoid the cliff ahead. NOW I was anxious. Even going back the way I came could have been more challenging as I might not be able to control the speed on the icy hill. Either way, the cliff was directly ahead of me. I even considered bailing at that point and just hiking out. (After all I had food, drinks and lots of warm clothes! I was good for at least a couple of days hiking!)

But, like everything I do in life, I gave it one more shot. I figured I could control my momentum enough to figure out if it would work BEFORE disaster were to strike. And, so boldly, instead of looking back, (which might have been easier) I looked ahead and plowed onward. (sorry for the pun!) And, as I write out the story, I realize there are many parallels between my life in the past year and this stuck-in-the-snow experience. Much like my life’s overview earlier in the night, it was time to look forward.

Then slowly, in first gear, revving my poor car until she was screaming, I managed to crest the hill. A mini celebration was had, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet. (Literally!) I still had 6.6 km of this winding, hilly road to navigate.

In the end, every hill that I crested was a moment to be grateful to my wee car for getting me over the hill. And looking back, I’m certain that had I not had a standard car (thank you Mom & Dad for teaching me standard!) I would have had to abandon my car and walk out of the woods to a place where I could find cell phone service again. I was ready for that possibility, but I didn’t give in without one last try.

So today’s moment: reflection and staying calm.

Moments of reflection.

Moments of keeping calm and persevering.

Moments D173: Magic Number 11

Today was my 11 year anniversary with the company I work for. It came and went without notice for those I work with. On the one hand, and really the more dominant one, I'm quite alright (perhaps all right) with the lack of attention. I would much rather work hard in the background without the spotlight on me. However, a small part of me was saddened that no one person realized my milestone; after all who doesn't like to be recognized for their loyalty and hard work.

No matter though. It was just another day like any day before it and I was happy to have the time to focus on finishing up my big proposal for tomorrow’s meeting.

My moment today came to me when I realized that today the end of my 11th year with my company. Eleven is a special number to some with a vibration that is slightly more amplified than others. Called a “Master Number” in Numerology 11 is the most intuitive of all numbers and it is associated with spiritual awareness. Eleven brings an understanding and knowledge beyond the grasp of rational thought. The energy from an 11 can be avant-garde, idealistic, visionary, and cultured. Extremes to be sure. According to this website: ”The 11 walks the edge between greatness and self-destruction. Its potential for growth, stability, and personal power lies in its acceptance of intuitive understanding, and of spiritual truths.”

Wow! While 11 is not my life path or my expression, the energy of 11 was a part of my life this past year on a career level and partially personally (after all who’s career doesn't affect them personally?). And believe me, with everything that I've been through this past year, I've felt the potential for growth and for self-destruction. It’s been a tireless pursuit and balancing act. And yet, every step of the way I've managed to dig deeper than I ever thought possible. Perhaps it’s because of the energy of the 11 with me through this past year.

So today was a moment to pause amoung the chaos around me personally and at work to note that it’s been 11 years. I've had 11 years in the making with this company. I was green when I started here and filled with ambition and drive. I'm a lot less green, but I'm happy to realize that I'm still filled with that ambition and drive. That makes me smile.

So today I quietly celebrate my milestone. One where I feel I've manage to stave off self-destruction and ride the wave of growth.

I pause and give thanks to my mentors, my co-workers and all of my (many) business contacts. Each and everyone of you have helped me to grow in my career and in my life. (And yes, having a “9” for a life path means that I can be overly compassionate. But I genuinely do appreciate all that have touched my life, for each moment, each interaction is an opportunity to learn and grow.)

Moments to reflect.

Moments to appreciate.

Moments D87: Learning & Reflecting

Recently a dear friend and I were discussing life and the process through which we, as individuals, experience life. The subject of change was prevalent in our discussion.

Change. Why is it so challenging for most? Isn’t that why we are here? To learn? To Grow? To evolve? How is it that we become complacent and comfortable with people and situations that aren’t really best for us? How is that acceptable?

Tough questions without easy answers. For me, that’s what life is all about IMHO. Learning, growing, evolving into better versions of self. No one said it was going to be easy, but it is necessary. It takes time. It takes analysis of self and time to reflect. In such a fast paced world, we lose the ability to take a step back and reflect without forcing that moment of reflection.

As I told my girlfriend - I will learn until the day my last breath escapes my lips. And I vow to make more time for myself to reflect upon myself and how comfortable I really am.

Moments of learning.

Moments of reflection.

Moments of GROWTH.