Moments 734: Year End Reflections

Time does fly, doesn't it?

My apologies for the long delay between posts, but my oh MY has it been an interesting few week and with all the emotion happening, I really have not had much energy to bring myself around to a blog post.

Forgive me?

But now, as I find myself on the eve of 2014 departing "the now", I felt the stirring to share a moment with my blog.  Perhaps the clouds are lifting and I'm more able to see the adventure ahead of me.

As 2014 comes to a close it’s hard not to sit here and reflect upon its trials and triumphs.  It feels as though there have been more trials than triumphs, but I fear I may be a bit biased based on the most recent shift in path that I've undertaken.

But, let's start at the beginning.  Perhaps together we'll find out what the year was all about.

Looking back over the year (which is something I always like to do), it's been a whirlwind.  

Moving EQ to Toronto - exciting, filled with love and adventure, but also challenging at times as we had much "new" to settle into.

Jamaica - what a beautiful family trip we had March. 

Immigration & Visas & Work:  Challenging and exciting and (who knew!) expensive!

Remembering Grandma & Grandpa:  The end of a family chapter.  This past year we buried my Dad's father....he's the last of that generation.  What a trying touching moment when my Dad shared with me, with tears in his eyes, that he is now the patriarch of the family.  I remember giving him one of the biggest hugs I've ever given him....and held it a bit longer than he wanted me to.  And I told him, if anyone, he was the best in the family to hold that title.  

Volleyball:  So much volleyball this past year!  How can I not love that?  

Fires, Car Damage & Border issues...oh my!  Yes, there were many big, disappointing, and heart breaking moments this past summer.  All growth opportunities....right?

iFly Toronto

New friends:  There have been a plethora of new friends who have come our way in this past year.  This is truly amazing.  I love the new energy and new perspectives offered.  I can't wait to get to know our new friends ever more in the coming year. 

So many CONCERTS this past year!  Elton John, Christina Perri, Lady Gaga, Nine Inch Nails, KISS & Def Leppard , One Republic, Steve Miller & Journey, PTX, Jason Mraz, ALMOST Anberlin (if they were not caught in Buffalo in the snow storm!

Competitions afar:  What an exciting weekend in Cali to celebrate the best of the best.  Here's looking to 2015 to bring that excitement to Canada.
                                                   


Cruising through Eastern Europe:  In a word:  WOW.  What an amazing adventure.  I highly recommend the trip.

Right.  I lost my job.  That was pretty painful, for a myriad of reasons.  Completely unexpected, but hey, I guess 13 years doesn't warrant a real conversation about one's career path.  (Angry?  Yup.  Still.  I'm sure it will pass.  On the bright side, I am looking forward to getting my degree done and the career adventures that await me!)

School:  As of January 12th I will be a "poor" full time student again.  It's been 21 years since the last time I was a full student.  How crazy, right?  But with only 7 courses left to finish my degree (FINALLY) it is exciting as well.  Six courses this coming semester and one next fall.  I cannot wait to celebrate that big finale!

Wedding Dresses, Invitations and planning: Yes that has been an exciting piece of our puzzle this past year.  How incredible it has been to be dreaming of our coming wedding day and building the dress I'll wear.  Next week, I'll be meeting with the dress makers to see who will make the darn thing!

Back to baking & cooking:  With all the time I've had on my hands in the past couple of weeks (post work, and pre-school), I've had a chance to enjoy a couple of days in the kitchen.  I love food and cooking, so it was a treat indeed.

Yes - a flurry of things. 

But you know what? In spite of some of the most challenging obstacles that have come my (our) way, it has been a year of growth. A a year filled with love and support. A year of laughter and positive energy, even in the darkest moments.  For this, I am grateful.  Why?

Because in this moment of reflection, I am reminded how very surrounded by such beautiful souls.  It's a moment to be grateful to all of my dearest friends, near and far. A moment to appreciate how loved I am by family and a moment knowing that EQ and I not only survived all the trials, but we were triumphant in them.

In this moment, as I ponder my year and look ahead to what is to come in 2015, I am ever grateful.

Happy New Year to all my readers! May 2015 be gentle, may it be filled with love and beauty every day for you!

Moments D732: A new Season begins

Today was the first real snowfall of the season.  It's surprising given it's only November 15th. It is early.  Some would say too early.

To be fair, wasn't much of a snowfall, but it was cold enough that it stayed on the ground - a nice light covering.  It nicely juxtaposed with the orange of the leaves that have only just fallen to the ground.

With the change in season comes a change in focus.  I'm nearing the end of this semester and studying for my final (in only two days!).  My focus this semester has not really been on my studies, and I'm certainly feeling the pain of that now.  The time it's taking me to catch up only proves that point!  (That said, I did enjoy my time with EQ this semester!)  Studying this weekend has been a buckle-down-get-'er-done kind of weekend.  Talk about focus! 

The change in season brings another shift in focus.  As this semester comes to a close, so too does a very large chapter in my life.  Next semester, only 45 days away, I will be going back to school full time.  It's not really my choice to head back full time, but I've reached a point in my degree where I am bound by a timeline expectation from the university.  I am to be done my degree by December 2015.  In order to best make that happen, I need to take five (yes 5!) classes next semester.

Talk about a change in season!  My goal, if the powers that be allow it, is to work part-time and school full-time (essentially swap my time around!)  I barely remember a time when I did five courses at the same time.  I'm not entirely certain that my mind will be able  to manage all that information at the same time!  Fortunately I think my time management skills are 150% better now than what they were back in 1994!

It will be a change in season too because I will shift gears from immigration and jobs to planning for our wedding - just under 170 days from today.  Our ceremony will be a small, intimate gathering.  Regardless of its size, I want it to be a beautiful reflection of the amazing couple we are.  It needs to be perfect....as perfect as my partner and I are together (which is not to say we don't have our faults!  We're just perfect together!).  Invitations, a dress, a bathing suit, a reception of some kind when we get home for everyone to celebrate with us.....yes, many details to flush out yet.  I am eager to have time to focus on this frivolous celebration of our love.   I love this man like I've never known love to be before.  I look forward to celebrating us, without all of life's complications.    It will be incredible to celebrate the depth of love joy we have with one another with those we love and cherish in our lives.  

Heralding in a new season brings with it the passing of the old season.  As many are now lamenting over the distant days of summer and the brevity of our autumn,  I find myself now looking fondly back in time as well.  There is a sense of fear to look forward to the changes coming.  No, that would be a lie.  I am terrified.  I can't admit that outloud as that only makes me seem weak, but I am terrified.   This season that is coming to a close has been comfortable.  Even though it hasn't been easy, it's been comfortable and, for the most part, predictable.  Looking forward, to the season that is on my doorstep, I fear the lack of understanding of what's to come.  What will I be able to control and what must I let go uncontrolled and deal with it?

To keep it short, I fear failing.  I fear the stress that is inevitable.  I fear what that will do to my beautiful relationship.  I fear what I will (or won't) be  doing for work.  And while, for some, my need to talk about my fears seems like wasted breaths, for me, talking about them helps to take away their mystery.  Their power over me somehow falls away when I speak of them out loud.  I think it's a way for me to help create and/or fortify my White Daemons.  For me, not talking about the anxiety that is rising within me only compounds my fear.    

And so, dear readers, I have now shared my anxiety at the turn of the coming season with you.  It's another way for me to ponder how I'm feeling and how I will walk through the challenges ahead.  I know that I am strong.  I know that I will fight through the hard days and find the light at the end of this very, very long school tunnel.  No matter what, I will get it done.   (I always do!)  But that doesn't mean that I'm not anxious about it.  

It's going to be an intense winter and I'm not entirely certain I have the capacity within me to juggle as much as will be hitting me come January.

Moments feeling sad at the change in season.

Moments celebrating the season to come.

Moments D722: Letting go of anger

Today's moment is actually a quote that found me that really hit the mark for me:

Fear. We all have some form of it. A lot of times, fear will manifest as anger. If you do a Google search, you'll see a lot of articles commenting about fear as anger.

And there is so much anger in our world. To me, that suggests that there is a lot of fear in the world.

Bringing that back closer to home: These past few days for me have been filled with both, anger and fear. It's been a challenging couple of days, no doubt about it.

And then today I ran into this quote. For me, it helped to refocus the chaotic energy back towards me; my needs, my fears. It helped me to drop the anger that was pulling me into the silent darkness of self-pity. Bottom line is this: If those in my world are unable to work with me on my needs and fears when I communicate them, then that's their choice. I don't need to like it, but I also don't need to accept it either. I realized that I have a voice, even in anger/fear. It's not productive energy to fall into the fear/anger.

The quote inspired me to share. And so, I shared that second level of fear/anger. That in itself was scary and it was raw and real as I've ever been. Looking back, it was an empowering moment.

I shared that moment with BFF later today. Her surprise was evident given that she immediately replied with how proud she was of me for putting myself first (for onece) and really sharing (and not holding it all in and managing it alone).

Yes. I'm still very much a work-in-progress.

Moments feeling the anger and the fear.

Moments sharing why.

Moments D651: White Daemons

Today I created my own mythical creature. White daemons.   Why not?  I'm creative.  I like to think out of the box from time-to-time and today I needed some help.

Now, I know most think of angels fighting demons.  Partially to be different (and admittedly less religious, though I suppose that could be debated) and partially to have a mythical creature that had a lot more positive oomph, I created white daemons.  

Without further adieu, please allow me to introduce you to white daemons:

a divinity or supernatural being filled with the power of light and love.  A creature borne with the essence of spirit and human with the ability to fight their dark daemon/demon cousins with the positive power of their light and love.  

The way I see it, these light filled white daemons are much better able to fight the darkness of their cousins (demons) than angels. Borne from the same family, the yang to the yin, white daemons know the intimate secrets and fears of dark demons.  Oh yes, demons do indeed have fears!  This is a white daemon's secret weapon along with the fact that white daemons will grow stronger the more you feed them.  Their nourishment comes from you - your positive energy.  The more strength they have, the better able they are to shield you from the torment of your dark demons.  Not only will your white daemon act as protector to you from the very beginning, your white daemon will grow ever stronger as you continue feed it your confidence in its ability to torment your tormentor.  Circular? You bet.  The inverse is true as well.  (let's not invoke that!)  Feel it.  Feed it.  Believe it.  

Simple, right?

From that perspective, today I decided that the key is to consciously create a white daemon for every dark demon encountered within.  I liked the visual of my white daemons kicking some serious ass of my dark demons.  And, you know what else?  It is actually quite simple to create a white daemon.  All it requires is awareness and a moment to stop and create a positive energy to counter whatever negative energy torments you.

Many people do this naturally.  Others, at times, struggle to do so.  Others yet fail to ever protect themselves from negative energy. Today, I was inspired to create a manifestation of this process because sometimes seeing your light fight your darkness can be as powerful as other visualization techniques.  Why not visualize my light (white daemons) beating out the dark (demons)?  

Here's my example:  

Fear of abandonment.  Oh, dark demon of mine, I will not purposefully feed you any more negative energy.  No, no!  I may fear you and be tormented by you, but watch out!  Today, today, I create my white daemon to counter you:  I will not be abandoned.  I am surrounded by love and light.  The love and light of my family.  The love and light of my dearest and truest friends.   In times of this fear being activated, dear white daemon, I will look to you to shield me from this tormentor and his pull.  White daemon, I fill you with light and love to protect me from this fear and allow me to grow away from this old demon. 

In my opinion, if you need to build a little white daemon army to fight your dark demons, so be it.  Let them help you fight your dark demons.  Visualize your white daemons winning.  Feed them.  Believe in them.  

You are not alone.  You are never alone.  

Moments being (crazy) creative.

Moments realizing just how deep this could go.

Moments D650: One more episode

If only life were like that.  One more episode.  One more chance to see you favourite characters again.  Oh what many of us would do to have one last episode in life.

Today was a quiet reflection of that idea.  Today EQ and I met up with my parents post their recent Disney cruise with my brother and his family.  It was so very good to see them and to catch up.  There never really seems to be enough time though.  The afternoon flew by and before I knew it EQ and I were back on the highway heading home.

During that short 45 minute drive home, I was supposed to be reading my textbook.  Instead, blaming the dwindling light of the early evening sky, I suggested that we spend the time talking.  Okay, okay.  I lied.  I didn't suggest anything, I actually insisted that we talk instead of us sitting together in silence for the drive.  (Is that bad?)  I could see and feel that something was on EQ's mind.  The energy was pouring off him.

And so we dove in, as we normally do, and before long we were at the heart of it.  Without going into the intimate details, the heart of it was:  fear of change.  When you think about it, we're all afraid of change on some level.  If only we could take some of those fears of change and spin it into a new perspective.  That said, today's fears were a little more primal and deep and it wasn't until much later that I realized this.

We had been home, I had done some reading for class and we were about to snuggle in for the rest of the evening when today's moment hit me.  It happened just as EQ and I realized we had one more episode of Sons of Anarchy to watch for the season's finale.  It was silly, but we had a mini-celebration over the news.  Just when we thought we would have to find something else to watch we were instead able to dive into one more storyline with our favourite characters.  Woot!

Silly, right?  And that's when it hit me.  It's a silly comparison, but one that I think many can appreciate.  The fear of change is like reaching that last episode.  It's the uncertainty of a new chapter (or novel).  It's leaving the past behind with only the future ahead.  Will the next season be as good?  Will you like the characters that remain?  Will you grieve the loss of characters from the last season?  So much uncertainty.  Often, with a good story line, we the audience want one more episode to luxuriate in.

I think we do that in real life too.  One more moment.  That night that you never want to end.  That morning you slap snooze on your alarm clock for just a few more minutes of sleep.  Those last moments with a loved leaving to head home to the other side of the country.  Those moments telling a loved one that it's okay to let go, that those behind will always remember them.

One more moment.  Without really acknowledging it, we have mini-celebrations all the time for finding one more moment.

Today, I acknowledge it aloud:   I am going to celebrate the episode(s) that I'm in because I am simply not ready for the last episode.  I know it will come, in one area of my life or another.  Right now however, I am going to be more present and enjoy and celebrate the episode that I'm in.  I know when the change comes (and it will) I know I will be looking for one more episode, one more moment to celebrate.  I won't be able to stop that natural wish, but I do know I can celebrate a little sooner and be present today.

Moments connecting strange dots together.

Moments reflecting upon the amazing circle of love and light I find myself enveloped in.

Moments D533: Pause & Acknowledge

Today was a day touring about Lake Elsinore and doing typical couple-like things.  It was quite a day. And though our dinner this evening with two of EQ's amazing friends was incredible (and well worth a nod as the moment of the day), today's moment goes a little deeper within me.

Today's moment comes from late this afternoon.  It was a moment where I found myself over thinking things and overwhelmed with the changes to come.  A swirl of emotions.  A never ending checklist in my mind which was present all day and it became oppressive.  My breathing was shallow and my mind simmering with all that needs to get done.  It wasn't quite a panic attack, but it wasn't far off.

And just as those feelings rose to the surface.  It was seen.  I'm typically quite good at concealing, but in that moment, where I was caught up in the hurricane of emotions and thoughts, EQ caught my eye, asked me how I was, quickly enveloped me into his arms, placed his hand upon my heart and looked deep into my eyes.  And then we breathed.  With a few deep breaths and fewer words, my anxiety dulled down to a more manageable buzz instead of the whirl it had been.

Moments feeling on the edge and antsy.

Moments realizing your partner sees you and can calm you just by acknowledging the feeling.

Moments D232: Parallels

Sometimes it shocks me at the number of parallels that happen in lives. I suppose it shouldn't. After all, we all walk paths that take us towards similar experiences. But every once in awhile something really shakes me and reminds me that we are all emotional beings. We all have fear, anger, happiness, joy, love….and I think we are all working towards understanding those on a deeper level. It’s emotion that bind us, that stretch us beyond ourselves and connect us.

Today’s moment, connecting with a dear friend of mine over some of her current life challenges. We had a deep discussion on the fear of being vulnerable. I don’t think I know of anyone that isn’t afraid to be vulnerable. It may be front and centre and we’re aware of it, or it could be something that is deep within and hidden. Fear can be so detrimental to a relationship, be it a love interest, a family member or a best friend. But what are we if we are not open to ourselves and those around us? We’re but a shell of self.

So today, I smile knowing that the discussion I had with my dear, dear friend has inspired us both to be a little less fearful about being vulnerable. We have both had moments in the last year that have caused us to be fearful of vulnerability. We both like to be in control and we have worked through moments of letting go. Parallels. In the end of our discussion, we acknowledged the fear, accepted it as being purposeful and realized that we mustn’t allow it to drive us. Awareness.

So today’s moment, celebrating a conversation. Celebrating my dear, dear friend and her growth within and without.

Moments acknowledging fear.

Moments being completely open and accepting vulnerability.

Moments D221: What fear of Heights?

Yesterday I mentioned that my “older sister” had a fear of heights. This morning she and I went on a hot air balloon ride. Yes. You read that correctly.

Now those of you who know me, know that this is right up my alley and likely an adventure that I would have suggested for us to partake in. You would be wrong in that assumption. (What’s that old saying about assumptions….?) This adventure was something that my “older sister” wanted to do free and clear of any input from myself.

Seriously! I swear! In fact my “older sister” made arrangements so that we could stay an extra night just so we could get up early to meet the sun at the horizon. (Of course, who am I to say no? After all, I am who I am! I definitely wanted to join in on this adventure!) As the sun rose, so did we in our hot air balloon high into the silence of the cold morning.

What a beautiful adventure it was, despite the cold and despite the nerves I know she felt. It was such a beautiful, calm, silent moment, watching the sun poke up over the mountain range. And it was a soul recharging moment to feel the heat of its rays upon our faces.

So today, I celebrate yet another huge step made by my “older sister” in her fear of heights (yesterday was climbing/hiking). I have been inspired by her motivation to push her limits. I have been inspired by her positive spirit and belief in herself, for I heard her tell another friend tonight “if I can do it, YOUcan do it.”

Yes she was digging deeper and for that I respect my “older sister” that much more. If only we all pushed ourselves a little harder every day as I watch her do over the past couple of days.

Moments to forget fear.

Moments to celebrate the silence of nature from 2000+ feet above ground.

Moments D220: Surpassing Fears

Today had a nice slow start to the day, but it quickly became another adventure filled day within beautiful surroundings.

Today my “older sister” (as she likes to be called) and I went hiking. Now these trails are not your ordinary path trails in the woods. Each trail has been labelled as either EASY, MODERATE, or STRENUOUS. After doing a little research, we managed to pick one of the hundreds of trails in this area.

This one was labelled as MODERATE. Of course, we assumed “no problem”! Well….what we didn’t know is that, while the first part of the trail is quite easy to navigate, the mid-section of the trail is quite steep with approximately a 600 ft climb using footholds and “scrambling” up the rocks.

To back track: It was only recently that I learned that my “older sister” was afraid of heights. (In her words, it’s not about the height, it’s about the fall!) BUT, little did I know that this kind of hiking/climb was something she’s ever attempted before!

I didn’t realize this new tidbit until we were well into the steep part of the hike/climb. And yet, while I could see the trepidation in her face, my “older sister” was pushing through the fear. I helped her navigate some of the trickier spots and cheered her on through her uncertain moments. We celebrated along the way of her successes and in the end she made great leaps in how she tackled the steepness of it all.

And then, we hit a spot that required a bit of a leap of faith. It was a BIG step up with small footholds. It required confidence to believe that once you stepped up you’d find yourself on solid and flat ground. This was the breaking point for my dear sweet ”older sister”. She wasn’t ready to take that step and I understood that was the time to stop cheering and start congratulating her on such steps taken. She, of course, felt like she had failed. I completely (and quickly) disagreed with her - she DID NOT FAIL. She took BIG steps forward to surpass her fears and SHE ACCOMPLISHED SO MUCH.

We then walked another trail after that for about an hour. It was an easier one with less navigating to do. Eventually we looped back to the first trail *where the car was parked) and as we looked up to the steep climb my “older sister” commented on how surprised she was that she had made it that far into the climb. We took a moment and celebrated her success once again.

For the rest of the evening she lamented over the fact that she didn’t make it to the top. Each and every time I reminded her just how much she HAD accomplished.

(why is it that it’s so damn easy to forget the success and focus on the rest?)

It’s incredible that my “older sister” pushed herself so hard today and *I*, for one, am damn proud of her! As the night closes, I think she’s starting to respect her steps taken in surpassing her fear. That is a moment to celebrate.

Moments of digging deeper and believing.

Moments of celebrating the successes.

Moments D58: Follow Your Heart

Today’s moment was advice offered from a new friend (and coincidentally this advice was shared again with me later today by two of my nearest and dearest).

It’s really simple advice. Why isn’t it simple to follow. I stop to ponder this. I really truly believe it boils down to fear. (Did you see my blog post from Tuesday?)

Before the “doubt-monster” attacks, my heart soars at the thought of simply “following my heart”. Why can’t it be that simple? Once you strip away the fear what is left? OPPORTUNITY.

I know I’m regurgitating a bit of Tuesday’s blog post, but having had the “Follow Your Heart” tossed casually (and NOT so casually) at me, I had to explore it once again.

So today’s moment: Follow Your Heart. Keep it simple, but make a game plan. No one said you couldn’t plan when you follow your heart! (Hey, once a planner always a planner!)