To be fair, wasn't much of a snowfall, but it was cold enough that it stayed on the ground - a nice light covering. It nicely juxtaposed with the orange of the leaves that have only just fallen to the ground.
With the change in season comes a change in focus. I'm nearing the end of this semester and studying for my final (in only two days!). My focus this semester has not really been on my studies, and I'm certainly feeling the pain of that now. The time it's taking me to catch up only proves that point! (That said, I did enjoy my time with EQ this semester!) Studying this weekend has been a buckle-down-get-'er-done kind of weekend. Talk about focus!
The change in season brings another shift in focus. As this semester comes to a close, so too does a very large chapter in my life. Next semester, only 45 days away, I will be going back to school full time. It's not really my choice to head back full time, but I've reached a point in my degree where I am bound by a timeline expectation from the university. I am to be done my degree by December 2015. In order to best make that happen, I need to take five (yes 5!) classes next semester.
Talk about a change in season! My goal, if the powers that be allow it, is to work part-time and school full-time (essentially swap my time around!) I barely remember a time when I did five courses at the same time. I'm not entirely certain that my mind will be able to manage all that information at the same time! Fortunately I think my time management skills are 150% better now than what they were back in 1994!
It will be a change in season too because I will shift gears from immigration and jobs to planning for our wedding - just under 170 days from today. Our ceremony will be a small, intimate gathering. Regardless of its size, I want it to be a beautiful reflection of the amazing couple we are. It needs to be perfect....as perfect as my partner and I are together (which is not to say we don't have our faults! We're just perfect together!). Invitations, a dress, a bathing suit, a reception of some kind when we get home for everyone to celebrate with us.....yes, many details to flush out yet. I am eager to have time to focus on this frivolous celebration of our love. I love this man like I've never known love to be before. I look forward to celebrating us, without all of life's complications. It will be incredible to celebrate the depth of love joy we have with one another with those we love and cherish in our lives.
Heralding in a new season brings with it the passing of the old season. As many are now lamenting over the distant days of summer and the brevity of our autumn, I find myself now looking fondly back in time as well. There is a sense of fear to look forward to the changes coming. No, that would be a lie. I am terrified. I can't admit that outloud as that only makes me seem weak, but I am terrified. This season that is coming to a close has been comfortable. Even though it hasn't been easy, it's been comfortable and, for the most part, predictable. Looking forward, to the season that is on my doorstep, I fear the lack of understanding of what's to come. What will I be able to control and what must I let go uncontrolled and deal with it?
To keep it short, I fear failing. I fear the stress that is inevitable. I fear what that will do to my beautiful relationship. I fear what I will (or won't) be doing for work. And while, for some, my need to talk about my fears seems like wasted breaths, for me, talking about them helps to take away their mystery. Their power over me somehow falls away when I speak of them out loud. I think it's a way for me to help create and/or fortify my White Daemons. For me, not talking about the anxiety that is rising within me only compounds my fear.
And so, dear readers, I have now shared my anxiety at the turn of the coming season with you. It's another way for me to ponder how I'm feeling and how I will walk through the challenges ahead. I know that I am strong. I know that I will fight through the hard days and find the light at the end of this very, very long school tunnel. No matter what, I will get it done. (I always do!) But that doesn't mean that I'm not anxious about it.
It's going to be an intense winter and I'm not entirely certain I have the capacity within me to juggle as much as will be hitting me come January.
Moments feeling sad at the change in season.
Moments celebrating the season to come.
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