Moments D738: Juggling means knowing your limits

It's been a long time since I have be available to write!  My how time flies.  I know, I've not kept my promise, but I honestly did not expect to be as busy as I was while in school.  Looking back, I was a bit mad to take 6 core courses at the same time with the same level of expectation.  It was not only mentally challenging, but it was a challenge to manage priorities for each of the classes.  Given that they were all fourth year classes, I'm proud to share that not only did I survive the semester, I managed to maintain my GPA.  (Though secretly, I am hoping to bump it up come the last fall semester course in September!)

What was my biggest take-away from my first full time semester of school as an adult?  I think it was admitting to myself that I couldn't do it all.  I had to triage and pick & choose my projects and time spent working on certain aspects of class work.  For example, there were many group projects over the semester (too many honestly!) and my course load necessitated that I could not offer the time commitment to take the reins and manage the group.  In one particular case, that was a completely disastrous decision (we failed the project).  In another, it was smooth sailing and we ended up with an A on the project.  Further, there were projects that I realized I simply would not have the time I would have liked to research or dedicate to in depth editing.  How incredibly hit and miss and all I could do was go with the flow.  I learned to accept that I could offer no more within the time constraints, given that I often had conflicting priorities.  It was the 80/20 rule working in real life.  For the most part, it served me well.

The bigger question, I realize looking back, is can I really dial my style back to 80/20?  I'm not so sure.  While I see the value in it, I always felt like things were not finished to the best of my ability....and the grades definitely reflected that.  After all an A- (or B+) is simply not as impressive as an A+.  Still, does it matter?  No, not really.  That comes from a place of ego.  I like knowing that I've exhausted my tool set and done my best.  Is that wrong?  Some would say yes, it's inefficient.  Others would suggest that it becomes a creative driving force.  Me, I'm still on the fence about it.  (That's the joy of life, always learning and growing.)

These past five months have zipped by.  I left my job of 13 years so I could go back to school full time and get my degree finally completed.  I managed to successfully complete a tough full time semester of school, married the man I love and photographed the first ever Wingsuit World Cup Performance Flying competition.  It's been a whirlwind 5 months and as the sixth month of the year begins, I am ready to embark on my next adventures, including a new job with a company that has been seen as “the competition” for the past 13 years.  It is going to be an interesting year, no doubt about that.

I've rather missed sharing my meanderings, having some quite "brain time", but time has not been my friend.  I have been chasing the clock for far too many months now and I am eager to finally have things slow down.  

Sadly, I'm afraid that things will not slow down anytime soon, though I am hopeful.  The outstanding "To Do" list feels daunting; all I can do is take it one task at a time.  The first big task – is studying for my CFP exam this coming Friday.  I am ill-prepared for it and I have the next four days for some serious cramming.  I know I have bit off more than I can chew and I’m ready for those consequences.  I can always re-write the exam in the fall….either way, it’s all very exciting, with the exam I’ll gain some insight/experience into the world of finance a little more and within two weeks I’ll start my new job, in the same industry as I’ve worked for the past 13 years.  While it will be like slipping on an old worn pair of gloves, it will be gloves being used for a new purpose.  It's exciting and frightening all at the same time, for I've never been good at selling myself and I haven’t yet had the time to determine what the best direction is for me.  A comfortable worn glove is comforting and I look forward to the challenge of understanding the industry from a new perspective.  

The next 7 months will be a lot of soul searching as EQ and I determine where/what we do in 2016.  I’ll officially have completed my degree and we will have many more options open to us.  Sometimes too many choices can be paralyzing!  All we can do is process them as they come.

I suppose that is my moment from these past five months:  recognizing that I don’t have to juggle everything all the time.  I can leave some of the balls on the ground and wait before adding more to my plate.  This is not an easy behaviour for me, but I have learned that I CAN do it.    

Moments choosing the most important projects to be juggled.  Moments knowing that you don’t have to pick up all the balls.  

Moments D732: A new Season begins

Today was the first real snowfall of the season.  It's surprising given it's only November 15th. It is early.  Some would say too early.

To be fair, wasn't much of a snowfall, but it was cold enough that it stayed on the ground - a nice light covering.  It nicely juxtaposed with the orange of the leaves that have only just fallen to the ground.

With the change in season comes a change in focus.  I'm nearing the end of this semester and studying for my final (in only two days!).  My focus this semester has not really been on my studies, and I'm certainly feeling the pain of that now.  The time it's taking me to catch up only proves that point!  (That said, I did enjoy my time with EQ this semester!)  Studying this weekend has been a buckle-down-get-'er-done kind of weekend.  Talk about focus! 

The change in season brings another shift in focus.  As this semester comes to a close, so too does a very large chapter in my life.  Next semester, only 45 days away, I will be going back to school full time.  It's not really my choice to head back full time, but I've reached a point in my degree where I am bound by a timeline expectation from the university.  I am to be done my degree by December 2015.  In order to best make that happen, I need to take five (yes 5!) classes next semester.

Talk about a change in season!  My goal, if the powers that be allow it, is to work part-time and school full-time (essentially swap my time around!)  I barely remember a time when I did five courses at the same time.  I'm not entirely certain that my mind will be able  to manage all that information at the same time!  Fortunately I think my time management skills are 150% better now than what they were back in 1994!

It will be a change in season too because I will shift gears from immigration and jobs to planning for our wedding - just under 170 days from today.  Our ceremony will be a small, intimate gathering.  Regardless of its size, I want it to be a beautiful reflection of the amazing couple we are.  It needs to be perfect....as perfect as my partner and I are together (which is not to say we don't have our faults!  We're just perfect together!).  Invitations, a dress, a bathing suit, a reception of some kind when we get home for everyone to celebrate with us.....yes, many details to flush out yet.  I am eager to have time to focus on this frivolous celebration of our love.   I love this man like I've never known love to be before.  I look forward to celebrating us, without all of life's complications.    It will be incredible to celebrate the depth of love joy we have with one another with those we love and cherish in our lives.  

Heralding in a new season brings with it the passing of the old season.  As many are now lamenting over the distant days of summer and the brevity of our autumn,  I find myself now looking fondly back in time as well.  There is a sense of fear to look forward to the changes coming.  No, that would be a lie.  I am terrified.  I can't admit that outloud as that only makes me seem weak, but I am terrified.   This season that is coming to a close has been comfortable.  Even though it hasn't been easy, it's been comfortable and, for the most part, predictable.  Looking forward, to the season that is on my doorstep, I fear the lack of understanding of what's to come.  What will I be able to control and what must I let go uncontrolled and deal with it?

To keep it short, I fear failing.  I fear the stress that is inevitable.  I fear what that will do to my beautiful relationship.  I fear what I will (or won't) be  doing for work.  And while, for some, my need to talk about my fears seems like wasted breaths, for me, talking about them helps to take away their mystery.  Their power over me somehow falls away when I speak of them out loud.  I think it's a way for me to help create and/or fortify my White Daemons.  For me, not talking about the anxiety that is rising within me only compounds my fear.    

And so, dear readers, I have now shared my anxiety at the turn of the coming season with you.  It's another way for me to ponder how I'm feeling and how I will walk through the challenges ahead.  I know that I am strong.  I know that I will fight through the hard days and find the light at the end of this very, very long school tunnel.  No matter what, I will get it done.   (I always do!)  But that doesn't mean that I'm not anxious about it.  

It's going to be an intense winter and I'm not entirely certain I have the capacity within me to juggle as much as will be hitting me come January.

Moments feeling sad at the change in season.

Moments celebrating the season to come.

Moments D688: Gifts Shared

Today was an incredible day.  It was a day poised to be a celebration love.  My younger cousin married the man of her dreams.  What a celebration it was with the perfect Jamaican weather.

But, today wasn't all about young love.  It was about family.  It was about friends.  It was about appreciating life; reflecting on the past and dreaming of the future.

And while I wasn't ready for today's moment, the gift shared with me today was the most beautiful gift I've ever received.  And with the sharing of this gift, a feel a new tradition was born as well!

EQ shared a unique birthday tradition with my family tonight.  He was introduced to it while travelling in Ecuador years ago.  The premise is this:  Instead of sharing physical gifts with the one celebrating a birthday loved one shared stories of what gifts (physical or otherwise) the birthday person has given them that either touched them deeply or inspired them on some level.

And just like that, after dinner, EQ orchestrated a discussion of gifts shared by the birthday girl to each family member at the table.  What an incredible journey that discussion brought!    From the adventure of a lifetime, to ancient stories featuring a Christmas ornament, to lighting up a room and teaching compassion.   What a journey indeed.  It was a tear-inspiring moment, so much so that my dear Big Sis couldn't participate for she was too choked up to do so.  Beautiful.  Simply beautiful.

It was, by far, the most memorable, touching birthday present I've ever received.

I believe this is a new tradition that shall be instituted in my world.  Yes.  That seems fitting to who I am and how I see the world.

A present for the moment today, and a present for moments of celebration to come.  How's that for digging deeper?

Beautiful!

Moments celebrating family, love, and life.

Moments relishing gifts shared...and shared again.