Moments D738: Juggling means knowing your limits

It's been a long time since I have be available to write!  My how time flies.  I know, I've not kept my promise, but I honestly did not expect to be as busy as I was while in school.  Looking back, I was a bit mad to take 6 core courses at the same time with the same level of expectation.  It was not only mentally challenging, but it was a challenge to manage priorities for each of the classes.  Given that they were all fourth year classes, I'm proud to share that not only did I survive the semester, I managed to maintain my GPA.  (Though secretly, I am hoping to bump it up come the last fall semester course in September!)

What was my biggest take-away from my first full time semester of school as an adult?  I think it was admitting to myself that I couldn't do it all.  I had to triage and pick & choose my projects and time spent working on certain aspects of class work.  For example, there were many group projects over the semester (too many honestly!) and my course load necessitated that I could not offer the time commitment to take the reins and manage the group.  In one particular case, that was a completely disastrous decision (we failed the project).  In another, it was smooth sailing and we ended up with an A on the project.  Further, there were projects that I realized I simply would not have the time I would have liked to research or dedicate to in depth editing.  How incredibly hit and miss and all I could do was go with the flow.  I learned to accept that I could offer no more within the time constraints, given that I often had conflicting priorities.  It was the 80/20 rule working in real life.  For the most part, it served me well.

The bigger question, I realize looking back, is can I really dial my style back to 80/20?  I'm not so sure.  While I see the value in it, I always felt like things were not finished to the best of my ability....and the grades definitely reflected that.  After all an A- (or B+) is simply not as impressive as an A+.  Still, does it matter?  No, not really.  That comes from a place of ego.  I like knowing that I've exhausted my tool set and done my best.  Is that wrong?  Some would say yes, it's inefficient.  Others would suggest that it becomes a creative driving force.  Me, I'm still on the fence about it.  (That's the joy of life, always learning and growing.)

These past five months have zipped by.  I left my job of 13 years so I could go back to school full time and get my degree finally completed.  I managed to successfully complete a tough full time semester of school, married the man I love and photographed the first ever Wingsuit World Cup Performance Flying competition.  It's been a whirlwind 5 months and as the sixth month of the year begins, I am ready to embark on my next adventures, including a new job with a company that has been seen as “the competition” for the past 13 years.  It is going to be an interesting year, no doubt about that.

I've rather missed sharing my meanderings, having some quite "brain time", but time has not been my friend.  I have been chasing the clock for far too many months now and I am eager to finally have things slow down.  

Sadly, I'm afraid that things will not slow down anytime soon, though I am hopeful.  The outstanding "To Do" list feels daunting; all I can do is take it one task at a time.  The first big task – is studying for my CFP exam this coming Friday.  I am ill-prepared for it and I have the next four days for some serious cramming.  I know I have bit off more than I can chew and I’m ready for those consequences.  I can always re-write the exam in the fall….either way, it’s all very exciting, with the exam I’ll gain some insight/experience into the world of finance a little more and within two weeks I’ll start my new job, in the same industry as I’ve worked for the past 13 years.  While it will be like slipping on an old worn pair of gloves, it will be gloves being used for a new purpose.  It's exciting and frightening all at the same time, for I've never been good at selling myself and I haven’t yet had the time to determine what the best direction is for me.  A comfortable worn glove is comforting and I look forward to the challenge of understanding the industry from a new perspective.  

The next 7 months will be a lot of soul searching as EQ and I determine where/what we do in 2016.  I’ll officially have completed my degree and we will have many more options open to us.  Sometimes too many choices can be paralyzing!  All we can do is process them as they come.

I suppose that is my moment from these past five months:  recognizing that I don’t have to juggle everything all the time.  I can leave some of the balls on the ground and wait before adding more to my plate.  This is not an easy behaviour for me, but I have learned that I CAN do it.    

Moments choosing the most important projects to be juggled.  Moments knowing that you don’t have to pick up all the balls.  

Moments D674: 30s Dance Party & Respect

Today I had an interesting lunch with a work colleague that I very much respect.  He's got 23 years on me which means he has a lot of experience to offer.  When he shares, I listen.

While our work lunch started with our typical ramblings of the fate of the industry and next steps for both our companies, we found ourselves veering away from that by mid-lunch.  The focus became more about age differences as he was about to head out on a date this coming weekend with a woman younger than he, and I, of course, am with a man 11  years older than me.   Common ground for a very personal subject.

We discussed the challenges and interesting opportunities that an age difference can bring.  Everything from expanding one's perspective to misunderstandings based on those unique perspectives.  It was a fantastic conversation and when I arrived back into the office, it was followed up with another brief moment of age differences.

This song came on the radio and Chica came walking into the office.  Fourteen years my younger, she suddenly broke out into a dance.  In the middle of the office.  Rocking away.  It was a 30s dance party.  It brought a smile and a laugh to everyone in the office.  A perfect breather after a couple of stressful days.

And that's when it all snapped into place.  Respect.  It's ageless.  It can show up in the form of a deep philosophical discussion, or it can show up in a moment of living life large.

Moments enjoying differences of ages.

Moments appreciating that respect can be ageless.

Moments D580: Counsellor

Today I had my (16th!) annual Christmas dinner with two of my dearest friends.  What an interesting evening it ended up being.  None of us were really in the Christmas spirit, after all, it's early even if there is snow on the ground.

I arrived to a shot of Screech and to the host setting up a roaring fire in the family room.  What an incredible Christmas-like start to our evening.

But, soon after our conversation shifted from our catch-up pleasantries into what felt like a counselling session.  I found myself in this world of sharing insights and ideas with my two dear friends each who felt a little uncertain with their perspective.  At first, I felt like I was in over my head, but slowly, somehow, the pieces fell into place and I could not only hear each side of the story, but I could see where the disconnect between the pieces were and we united to seam it all back together again.

Before I knew it we were in the thick of deep conversation digging ever deeper to find solutions.  Certainly not very Christmas-like!   That said, I loved every moment of being the middle man for them and offering what I could for a different perspective on the situation at hand.  I think I might even have been helpful too.  Time will tell I suppose.

In the end, our annual Christmas evening together wasn't typical, but it sure was a beautiful none-the-less as we tried to solve the world's problems together.  An intimate, emotional, give and take.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect evening.

Moments solving problems together with friends.

Moments expecting to be full of frivolity, instead filled with deep meaning.

Moments D544: Age: A matter of the mind.

Okay.  It's official.  I'm old.  I mean, I was aware of it, but I've very much been in denial.

Today, I played in a last minute volleyball tournament.  I connected with 5 other players that I've never played with before.  I knew, immediately, that I was the eldest, but it wasn't until we started sharing stories and experience that I realized just how old I was within this group.

As we shared our years of experience, I shied away from listing the specific number of years.  I was vague, with "a lot of years" and "I've played a few positions"....

....and then it happened.  That magical moment where I realized that I was old.  For real.  No hiding, no denying or ignoring.

Steven, admittedly the "kid" on the team, shared that he was 22 years old.  He pressed me for how many years I've played.  I paused and dug deep into my memories.  I have been playing volleyball (more seriously) since 1990.  Hell, add another 3-4 years if you count public school as I think I really started in grade 6 or 7.

Seriously.  Shocking.

That's 24 years (plus) of playing volleyball.  That's more years than Steven has been alive.  Wow.

Old.

It reminded me of a fridge magnet that my Mom and Dad had when I was living at home years ago.

Age is a matter of the mind:

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. 

Clever, right?  But, how very true because you  know what else? After the tournament was over (we placed second in the tournament!), I realized that I kept up with those kids. I even learned a new trick or two. I may be an old dog, but I am still (and hopefully always) still learning and challenging myself.

Today`s tournament was a great way to spend a day needing to be filled.  Not only did it keep me active and my mind off of the swirl of things going on around me, I came face-to-face with my age, I learned from the youngens and I managed to get a lot of exercise.  Perfect.

Moments realizing you can't deny your age.

Moments realizing that even if you are old, you don't need to act it.

Moments D438: Hot Hot Heat

Here in the big smoke it's been hot and muggy. Pretty typical for summer in the city, but that's nothing in comparison to a friend of mine who recently found himself stranded in the desert without enough water.   (Seriously.  And he knows better!)

With temperatures over 120 degrees F, the sun hot on his back, it was not a good situation.  My day's moment is not about his dangerous moment, so I won't bore you with the frightening statistics and details.  But, there there are similarities to the shift in energy that EQ experienced and self-awareness that followed, to my own only two days ago.  Know that this life threatening situation was resolved and what followed this hot hot mess, was my inspired moment of the day.

Mentally and physically exhausted from his ordeal, EQ found himself in a euphoric state when he arrived at his hotel for the night.  Having survived the fiery halls of hell (not without blisters and rashes), he found himself riding through a sky full of fourth of July fireworks which were followed by nature's own fireworks:  A thunderstorm in the desert.  As the charged rains finally washed over him, he found himself celebrating.  From the fiery halls of hell to such jubilation:  a ride like none other he's experienced before.

Earlier in the day I was worried for him on his hot hot adventure so I was happy to hear of his adventure from his hotel very early this morning. And as I watched his retelling of the tale, I could nearly see the energy pouring from him.  It was tangible.  He was alight from the self-reflections of the day, the extremes and the significance of many moments throughout his day.  His excitement as he shared his triumphant celebration of exiting the fiery halls of hell, was captivating and inspiring.    Many, MANY miles away from the hot, hot heat of Toronto, I could see, and feel that this was a momentous experience for him.

My moment:  sitting back and enjoying his euphoria.  Always one to revel in another's joy, I find I look for moments where I can partake in the excitement and growth of  friends and family around me.  After all, digging deeper.  Isn't that what it's all about?

This was a moment that I will not soon forget.    Such raw energy.

Moments shared.
Moments that inspire your own cleansing.

Moments D350: Remembering Perspective

Today was a day where a sense of panic slowly rose to the surface. A day where it was simply, yet painfully obvious that there was not enough time to get all the tasks on my list completed. With a sense of failure looming, I received an email from one of our most respected team mates. I’m going to share it with you verbatim as its words were powerful.

Ninety-six years ago today, nearly 4,000 Canadians, most of whom were younger than the youngest of us here, died trying to capture what the Germans referred to as Hill 145. The Canadians, together as a unit for the first time in the war, and where so many others had failed, succeeded in taking what was deemed to be an impregnable position. It was a great battle, a great victory in the Great War and, what many people believed and still believe, is a defining moment of a young country in its quest to becoming great. April 9, 1917, Vimy Ridge. Lest we forget.

The panic subsided. I paused and thanked the young soldiers for their commitment to their country, its future and my present.

And then I put my head down and went back to work.

Moments to remember those before us.

Moments offering a deeper perspective on what’s important.

Moments D314: Mind-Sets

Today’s moment? A profound one where I found myself thinking about the difference one’s mind-set makes to any given situation. I also contemplated how easy it can be to oscillate between the two extremes. Let me explain.

Sometimes it’s challenging to decipher between what is real and what is one’s imagination. For example, who has written our history? What perspective is shared of that history? Is it the victor? The oppressed? The hopeful? Perspective matters.

This I realize more profoundly some how today. After a series of events in the past days, I realize that it matters.

Why? Well because I think some have a mind-set that is easy to darken their thoughts and see only the negative side to any given situation. While others may find it easier to experience the same moment through rose coloured glasses. Others yet flip between the two extremes.

Who is seeing it as it is?

Is that even possible? Can we remove our filters to see it as it is?

What then becomes of reality?

What is real? What is imagined? Why do some lean toward darker visions while others brighten the same in the glow of their positivity?

Today - an inquisitive evening and a moment leaving me to ponder.

Moments lost in thought and unable to it into reality.

Moments D300: Turning Point. Endings, Beginnings and Questions

Today was the end of a beautiful weekend. I dragged my feet when it came time for me to leave. I simply did not want to go. The peace, the beauty, the friendship and laughter. It was hard to say goodbye.

But, it was time to head back to home and the reality of homework and the coming work week. I arrived home about 3 hours later than I had planned, but the extra stolen time was well appreciated.

About an hour away from home, I received a phone call from someone who was once very, very important to me. We had many beautiful memories, but we also shared quite a few dark ones as well. It felt like a constant struggle between us, and like the lyrics of a song I heard today, it felt like he loved me for everything he hated about me. It was complicated at the best of times….and here he was, again, in a dark place again. For him, it was time to end the ending of what was left of our relationship.

I took the time to hear him out, for I understood his frustration, pain and fears. I’ve been where is was. It can be incredibly hard on one’s heart to let go, but harder still to hang on. He needed closure to move on.

Will I miss him in my life? Yes. Of course. People that share important milestones in my life with me will always be a part of my memories. But I won’t lament the loss of this friend. I did that when we broke up. I was hoping we could find friendship again, but I understand why that can’t be. It’s okay. I have no real emotion about it (which is a little strange to me, but I’ve already gone through the grieving process) And frankly, with every ending is a new beginning. I’ve been on that journey now for some time. For me, his ending of endings only becomes my more solid beginning of beginnings.

So today, as I sit to write my 300th post on daily moments and how they make me smile, I realize it’s a perfect time to really reflect on my journey with words.

I look back over the past 300 posts with fondness. It was a new beginning for me. A journey to dig deeper and learn more about myself. I think I've learned a great deal about what I really want in life in these past 300 days. And, as mentioned earlier, I think what’s more important is that I have a much better handle on what I don’t want in my life as well. That, truly, is really the bigger revelation from my journey.

This blog, these words, have helped me find perspective. My written voice offers me a moment to self-assess every day. After all, coming up with special moments for 300 days in a row hasn't always been easy. It takes a moment to pause and reflect upon the day, and sometimes, I have to dig for that moment.

Today’s moment is the turning point. That moment where you realize you are on the right path. It’s like reliving the past, but from a future perspective. I have always believed that things happen for a reason, today, this turning point, makes me feel like I know that there was purpose in the lessons I've had over the past year. I'm more confident because of those lessons and taking the time to self-assess along the way has really opened my eyes to what I want and what I don’t want moving forward.

Today’s moment? Appreciating the depth of moments and what this process has given me. The moments that continue to surprise, entertain and offer perspective to my life. They also keep me questioning the world around me.

Moments D268: Perspective

Recently I've had a few instances where my perspective of the world around me shifted in an instant. Today was another one of those days and I will share this moment with you because I think it’s worth remembering and considering the next time I'm feeling sorry for myself.

A dear friend of mine has had a particularly challenging year. From a near separation (they reconciled) to a new home, tons of renovations and close family health issues, it’s been an incredibly stressful year and a half for her and her hubby.

Now she’s a warrior this one. Always fighting through, but typically finding time to have a peaceful moment for herself. This past year, however, pushed her beyond her limits. We all have a breaking point and she found hers, the hard way.

She hospitalized herself. Exhaustion and depression. The fact that she was strong enough and aware enough to make that call, is something that I’m very proud of her for doing. Mental health is something that isn’t spoken about openly and there are a lot of stigmas attached. And yet, she knew she was beyond her limit and that she needed help.

That’s the back story. This happened over a month ago. I haven’t seen my girlfriend for nearly 7 months due to my own crazy life and pressures I put upon myself. I was busy with volleyball and baseball and anything that kept me, well, busy. And I knew they were busy with renovations and simply assumed we would reconnect in the late fall as we typically do. How wrong I was!

Today, I finally re-connected with my dear friend and her family. I spent the night so we could completely catch up - on both sides. She suggested that I go first, that I share with her what has happened in my life over the past 7 months and to explain the recently busted phone of mine. And so, I started at the end of the year and worked my way backwards in time.

What I realized as I shared my story is that none of it mattered when compared to what she had gone through in the same time period. Sure, I was stressed. Sure, I was emotional. I had many ups and I also had many difficult dark days in the past 7 months. But none of it compared to where I knew she ended up. It all seemed so trivial as I was sharing the events of my 7 months.

And it’s moments like these that force me to pause and reflect upon perspective. From my perspective alone, 2012 was a challenging year as I fought to find myself and get my feet under me again, with a few obstacles in the path of getting there. But I’m strong, healthy and I’m surrounded by a group of the best, most loving, supportive friends (and family) that a person could ask for. Even in my darkest moment, I had someone to lean on.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, found herself buried beneath the burdens of life. She wasn’t able to find the light without getting professional help. The stress she felt was beyond anything she’s ever dealt with before and she kept it all to herself until she couldn’t bear it any longer.

I guess my point is two-fold:

First, there is always someone else struggling a little harder than you are. (Sometimes a lot harder than you are!) This is a fact that should bring some solace because, if anything, it helps one to not feel alone in the struggles of life.

Secondly, we are NOT alone. Each of us have our own support system of some sort. Some may have many in their circle, while others may only have a couple of key people. But there is always someone to lean on. BUT, if we don’t ask for help, if we don’t lean when necessary, then it’s so much easier to fall into that pit. I can’t stress enough how important it is to share and ask for help when needed. (And believe me, this isn’t easy for me either!)

So, today’s moment: Perspective. I hope that I remember the next time I’m feeling down that I remember this moment because in the end, I’m actually quite fortunate, even on the darkest of days.

Moments D263: A loss, but a win

I had a late start today after a late (fun) night out. I spent the late morning and early afternoon being incredibly lazy. Then again, I did catch up on a couple of my TV shows, so it was a wee bit productive. (Okay, that’s a loose definition of productive! I know, I know!)

By late afternoon I got myself ready and headed out to see my nephew play hockey. This year he’s playing out of the net (he was goalie last year!). And he’s good, for an 8 year old! It was exciting to watch him play. It was even more warming to talk to him about his game afterward.

His team lost. It was 4-0. But he wasn’t upset by the loss, no for him he was excited by his near goal and the fact that he’s so good at rebounds.

I was so warmed by the perspective. They lost, but he had fun and he focused on the good. I was proud of my nephew in that moment. I hope he will take that outlook with him in all aspects of his life. More of us, in life, should find ways to better accept the loss and find a win within it.

Life isn’t always about winning outright. It’s about working within what you have or where you find yourself. Even in a loss situation, there are moments that bring light, learning and evolution to a soul.

Moments with family.

Moments with the bigger picture.

Moments D253: Perspectives

Today I had an early morning call from a friend some 3000+ miles away. We shared holiday pleasantries and then a couple of stories from the holidays. It was amoungst these stories that he quickly reminded me of a different perspective. That it was time to focus on the importance of self. Not to worry about others as much as I have in the past and for goodness sake to call them out on their BS. After all, we take the time to teach children when they’ve made a mistake, why then, as adults, do we struggle so to call out mistakes and why don’t we work harder at rectifying those errors?

He was right. I couldn’t argue his points. (Believe me I tried for a bit before rescinding any argument with his words!) After that brief conversation, I realize that I haven’t been as true to myself as I could have been. I haven’t been fighting for me. I’ve been fighting to keep everyone around me happy. (And while I realize this isn’t always a bad thing, too much of anything leads to an unbalanced life!) I’ve been fighting to make others feel good. It’s time to fight for my own happiness.

So I’m thankful for a distant friend’s perspective. One that washed over me like someone splashing cold water to my face.

Moments to awaken.

Moments to move forward.

Moments D241: Hand-me-downs

You know, when I was a young girl I had mixed feelings about hand-me-down clothes. I always enjoyed the rush of rummaging through the clothes, but there was always this sense of disappointment too. The wrong size, a strange pattern, a weird colour. Somehow, things just didn’t seem to be right. That sense of disappointment eventually overshadowed the rush of new clothes.

Today’s moment: Realizing that hand-me-downs as an adult rocks!

Maybe it was just the pains of growing up and not being a standard size/shape. Maybe it was because I was high on hormones and nothing seemed right. Whatever the cause, tonight when my Mom asked me if I’d like to try on some of her old clothes that she was giving away….I gave it a shot. In the end, was actually pretty excited about possibly having a couple of new, interesting pieces of clothing to add to my collection. And, the icing on the cake: it all fit. Huh. How things can shift!

Today’s moment is about revisiting old behaviours/expectations with a new perspective.