These past few weeks have been life changing for me. I have been digging ever deeper into the shadows of my heart and soul. Years of accumulated pains and neglect found me with very stubborn daemons. In the past month, I've started to feel them lift from me. It's a glorious feeling, but the steps along the way are not always easy.
Today's moment is about one of those raw emotional moments. As painful as it was, it was cathartic. Twice. The same subject at two slightly different angles. Digging deep today meant getting into the nitty-gritty and then going a little deeper. It meant I had to push through the fear and shove the embarrassment aside. I wasn't sure, either time if I'd have the courage.
In these moments, when you do dig as deep as this was, you need to believe that those you share with will stand strong and hold you tight and not judge.
Today, I was fortunate enough to have two of those moments. The first was happened this afternoon. I went deep this afternoon. Very deep. Coerced a little, but I understood that it was time to look at the reflection in the mirror. As hail suddenly dropped from the sky and interrupted the intense conversation, I wept as the emotions flooded over me, but my tears were (fortunately!) lost in the moment. Then the hail turned into gobs of rain and laughter and silliness ensued. My tears dried and I was, once again, listening in wonder to the depth of support that I had in front of me.
I have been on a soul journey these past two (or so) years. Digging ever deeper. Exploring. Sometimes the reflection in the mirror is not so kind to look at. But with every step forward, that has begun to change. To really, deeply change. Today, I felt it. Today, I believed it. That's a first.
The second moment (of this very same nature) came much later in the evening. I recounted the days events to Heini. I shared my deepest darkest feelings and before I knew it, she shed tears for me and the journey I had taken over the past 5-7 years. And then, we celebrated just how far I've come and the promise of hope that was on my doorstep. No more self-made obstacles. Life is for living. Life is for digging ever deeper, because this soul won't have it any other way.
Moments for cathartic sharing. Worlds lifted from your shoulders.
Moments believing. Truly believing, in the path ahead.
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Moments D300: Turning Point. Endings, Beginnings and Questions
Today was the end of a beautiful weekend. I dragged my feet when it came time for me to leave. I simply did not want to go. The peace, the beauty, the friendship and laughter. It was hard to say goodbye.
But, it was time to head back to home and the reality of homework and the coming work week. I arrived home about 3 hours later than I had planned, but the extra stolen time was well appreciated.
About an hour away from home, I received a phone call from someone who was once very, very important to me. We had many beautiful memories, but we also shared quite a few dark ones as well. It felt like a constant struggle between us, and like the lyrics of a song I heard today, it felt like he loved me for everything he hated about me. It was complicated at the best of times….and here he was, again, in a dark place again. For him, it was time to end the ending of what was left of our relationship.
I took the time to hear him out, for I understood his frustration, pain and fears. I’ve been where is was. It can be incredibly hard on one’s heart to let go, but harder still to hang on. He needed closure to move on.
Will I miss him in my life? Yes. Of course. People that share important milestones in my life with me will always be a part of my memories. But I won’t lament the loss of this friend. I did that when we broke up. I was hoping we could find friendship again, but I understand why that can’t be. It’s okay. I have no real emotion about it (which is a little strange to me, but I’ve already gone through the grieving process) And frankly, with every ending is a new beginning. I’ve been on that journey now for some time. For me, his ending of endings only becomes my more solid beginning of beginnings.
So today, as I sit to write my 300th post on daily moments and how they make me smile, I realize it’s a perfect time to really reflect on my journey with words.
I look back over the past 300 posts with fondness. It was a new beginning for me. A journey to dig deeper and learn more about myself. I think I've learned a great deal about what I really want in life in these past 300 days. And, as mentioned earlier, I think what’s more important is that I have a much better handle on what I don’t want in my life as well. That, truly, is really the bigger revelation from my journey.
This blog, these words, have helped me find perspective. My written voice offers me a moment to self-assess every day. After all, coming up with special moments for 300 days in a row hasn't always been easy. It takes a moment to pause and reflect upon the day, and sometimes, I have to dig for that moment.
Today’s moment is the turning point. That moment where you realize you are on the right path. It’s like reliving the past, but from a future perspective. I have always believed that things happen for a reason, today, this turning point, makes me feel like I know that there was purpose in the lessons I've had over the past year. I'm more confident because of those lessons and taking the time to self-assess along the way has really opened my eyes to what I want and what I don’t want moving forward.
Today’s moment? Appreciating the depth of moments and what this process has given me. The moments that continue to surprise, entertain and offer perspective to my life. They also keep me questioning the world around me.
But, it was time to head back to home and the reality of homework and the coming work week. I arrived home about 3 hours later than I had planned, but the extra stolen time was well appreciated.
About an hour away from home, I received a phone call from someone who was once very, very important to me. We had many beautiful memories, but we also shared quite a few dark ones as well. It felt like a constant struggle between us, and like the lyrics of a song I heard today, it felt like he loved me for everything he hated about me. It was complicated at the best of times….and here he was, again, in a dark place again. For him, it was time to end the ending of what was left of our relationship.
I took the time to hear him out, for I understood his frustration, pain and fears. I’ve been where is was. It can be incredibly hard on one’s heart to let go, but harder still to hang on. He needed closure to move on.
Will I miss him in my life? Yes. Of course. People that share important milestones in my life with me will always be a part of my memories. But I won’t lament the loss of this friend. I did that when we broke up. I was hoping we could find friendship again, but I understand why that can’t be. It’s okay. I have no real emotion about it (which is a little strange to me, but I’ve already gone through the grieving process) And frankly, with every ending is a new beginning. I’ve been on that journey now for some time. For me, his ending of endings only becomes my more solid beginning of beginnings.
So today, as I sit to write my 300th post on daily moments and how they make me smile, I realize it’s a perfect time to really reflect on my journey with words.
I look back over the past 300 posts with fondness. It was a new beginning for me. A journey to dig deeper and learn more about myself. I think I've learned a great deal about what I really want in life in these past 300 days. And, as mentioned earlier, I think what’s more important is that I have a much better handle on what I don’t want in my life as well. That, truly, is really the bigger revelation from my journey.
This blog, these words, have helped me find perspective. My written voice offers me a moment to self-assess every day. After all, coming up with special moments for 300 days in a row hasn't always been easy. It takes a moment to pause and reflect upon the day, and sometimes, I have to dig for that moment.
Today’s moment is the turning point. That moment where you realize you are on the right path. It’s like reliving the past, but from a future perspective. I have always believed that things happen for a reason, today, this turning point, makes me feel like I know that there was purpose in the lessons I've had over the past year. I'm more confident because of those lessons and taking the time to self-assess along the way has really opened my eyes to what I want and what I don’t want moving forward.
Today’s moment? Appreciating the depth of moments and what this process has given me. The moments that continue to surprise, entertain and offer perspective to my life. They also keep me questioning the world around me.
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