Moments D675: Spidey-senses

Today was an interesting day.  A day where my spidey-senses were off the charts with activity.  It felt like everything had a double meaning, or a deeper meaning.  Things unsaid were heard.  Things heard left the feeling that there was more to be said.  Small pieces didn't add up.  Bigger pieces felt forced together.

The puzzle was set up and done, but it just didn't feel right.

And I went about my day.  Ignoring the pieces.  Well, sort of.  I was aware of the misplaced pieces, but re-arranging them in my mind (over and over) was unbelievable. Truly.  The version of the puzzle that appeared to best fit, not only seemed unbelievable, it felt like a fairytale story.  No way was that version of the puzzle real.

And yet, as the day passed by, I came to believe that maybe it was possible.  Maybe, just maybe it wasn't just my imagination.  Maybe my gut instinct and understanding of the pieces were right.  Maybe.

On my way home from volleyball, I was on Skype with EQ sharing our days with one another.  As I drove up to the apartment, I realized that there wasn't parking right out front and said as much with, no doubt, annoyance in my voice.  I've never had EQ find a way off Skype with me as fast as he did in that moment.  That was the linchpin for me.  All the pieces locked in place.

Of course, I could still be wrong.

I slowly parked the car.  Methodically.  It was a perfect distance from the curb.
I slowly walked to the apartment.  It was dark.  The hallway light was on.
I slowly walked up the stairs to the apartment.  Nothing seemed out of place.  Nothing changed from when I left this morning.

My belief began to falter.

I opened the door.  It was pitch black inside.  I dropped my bags in the kitchen, said hello to kitt-eh and then flipped on the light.

And there he was.  Laying on my couch.  A big 'ol smile upon his face.  I laughed, still in my parka and stood there a moment and soaked him in.  He was really here, back in Toronto.

And I said:

"I knew it!"

A few seconds more I had dropped my parka and joined him on the couch and we fell into a moment of just holding each other.

What a fantastic, beautiful non-surprise.

EQ was home again.  Early by 4 days.  What a beautiful moment that was.  What a fairytale indeed.

Moments paying attention to the details and not believing what they were saying.

Moments enjoying one of the best surprises ever to come your way.

Moments D448: Patience and Trust and Believing, OH MY!

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you knew there was more to the story being shared but the details weren't being share?   Where the silence is deafening and the pauses between words spoken are screaming at you?  

This very thing has bean happening to me more often recently.  I don't recall it happening near as often before in my life. Does it mean that I'm more intuitive or that I'm simply paying more attention to those around me?  The reason I can't explain, but there is no denying that these gaps exist. These days my intuition is strong and it has been bang on (for better or worse!).   The fact that my intuition is stronger than it's been in years, is a sign that I am back on the right path.   But I digress from the point of today's moment.

Sometimes those you love succumb to fear (don't we all?), but when they stop trusting (themselves or you) they stop believing that there is someone listening, that someone cares.  For the record, I will always listen.  I will always be there for those I love, no matter how dark, no matter how stormy.  I am not here just for the good times.  I'm here on a soul journey and that includes being present even in the darkest of days.

So, while I've been struggling with the silence from my loved ones, on my own, for awhile now, I've found patience.  I know I can't rush my loved ones.  When they are ready to share, I'll ask questions and dive in to support wherever I can.  

Today's moment was when my patience paid off as one of my loved ones opened up about something he's been dealing with on  his own.  The moment itself was a challenge.   The timing of the share, the seriousness of the content and worse yet, the inability to discuss further until much later in the day.  But dive into it later we did.  Now I feel stronger,  empowered with knowledge instead of weak with assumptions.   I feel in tune and in synch with next steps instead of sidelined waiting for words.  I am fully committed to ensuring that my loved one has what he needs to deal with his coming changes.  I know he felt relief after sharing.  As did I. Trust and belief in loved ones:  restored hope.  What an incredible, deep, moment for today.

I have another loved one holding back.  I send her love and light every day, willing her to open up and share.  Patience.  PATIENCE.  I am here when she is ready to trust.  I am here.  MY people, my loved ones matter.... so when they struggle,  I struggle to find solutions. When they celebrate the rain,  I dance and laugh with them.   We need not be alone in this life.

Patience and trust and believing.  

Moments where words matter.   (I suppose that's not fair.  Words always matter!)

Moments where people matter.  (ditto!)

Moments D439: Ever Digging

These past few weeks have been life changing for me.  I have been digging ever deeper into the shadows of my heart and soul.  Years of accumulated pains and neglect found me with very stubborn daemons.  In the past month, I've started to feel them lift from me.  It's a glorious feeling, but the steps along the way are not always easy.

Today's moment is about one of those raw emotional moments.  As painful as it was, it was cathartic.  Twice.  The same subject at two slightly different angles.  Digging deep today meant getting into the nitty-gritty and then going a little deeper.  It meant I had to push through the fear and  shove the embarrassment aside.  I wasn't sure, either time if I'd have the courage.

In these moments, when you do dig as deep as this was, you need to believe that those you share with will stand strong and hold you tight and not judge.

Today, I was fortunate enough to have two of those moments.  The first was happened this afternoon.  I went deep this afternoon.  Very deep.  Coerced a little, but I understood that it was time to look at the reflection in the mirror.  As hail suddenly dropped from the sky and interrupted the intense conversation, I wept as the emotions flooded over me, but my tears were (fortunately!) lost in the moment.  Then the hail turned into gobs of rain and laughter and silliness ensued.  My tears dried and I was, once again, listening in wonder to the depth of support that I had in front of me.

I have been on a soul journey these past two (or so) years.  Digging ever deeper.  Exploring.  Sometimes the reflection in the mirror is not so kind to look at.  But with every step forward, that has begun to change.  To really, deeply change.  Today, I felt it.  Today, I believed it.  That's a first.

The second moment (of this very same nature) came much later in the evening.  I recounted the days events to Heini.   I shared my deepest darkest feelings and before I knew it, she shed tears for me and the journey I had taken over the past 5-7 years.  And then, we celebrated just how far I've come and the promise of hope that was on my doorstep.  No more self-made obstacles.  Life is for living.  Life is for digging ever deeper, because this soul won't have it any other way.

Moments for cathartic sharing.  Worlds lifted from your shoulders.

Moments believing.  Truly believing, in the path ahead.

Moments D221: What fear of Heights?

Yesterday I mentioned that my “older sister” had a fear of heights. This morning she and I went on a hot air balloon ride. Yes. You read that correctly.

Now those of you who know me, know that this is right up my alley and likely an adventure that I would have suggested for us to partake in. You would be wrong in that assumption. (What’s that old saying about assumptions….?) This adventure was something that my “older sister” wanted to do free and clear of any input from myself.

Seriously! I swear! In fact my “older sister” made arrangements so that we could stay an extra night just so we could get up early to meet the sun at the horizon. (Of course, who am I to say no? After all, I am who I am! I definitely wanted to join in on this adventure!) As the sun rose, so did we in our hot air balloon high into the silence of the cold morning.

What a beautiful adventure it was, despite the cold and despite the nerves I know she felt. It was such a beautiful, calm, silent moment, watching the sun poke up over the mountain range. And it was a soul recharging moment to feel the heat of its rays upon our faces.

So today, I celebrate yet another huge step made by my “older sister” in her fear of heights (yesterday was climbing/hiking). I have been inspired by her motivation to push her limits. I have been inspired by her positive spirit and belief in herself, for I heard her tell another friend tonight “if I can do it, YOUcan do it.”

Yes she was digging deeper and for that I respect my “older sister” that much more. If only we all pushed ourselves a little harder every day as I watch her do over the past couple of days.

Moments to forget fear.

Moments to celebrate the silence of nature from 2000+ feet above ground.

Moments - D38; Winning and losing

Today was a productive day but nothing spectacular stood out. But, even so, this evening did provide a moment where I smiled and giggled and enjoyed.

Tonight I managed to win $6.17. It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing. Shortly afterwards I realized that I had lost a card if mine. It wasn’t significant, but out still bummed me out. (I really hate to lose things!)

Then I remembered. I won $6.17! And I did a little happy dance!

Yes it really is all about how you focus on the situation. I think our core selves struggle to keep sight of the wins in our lives. For some reason it seems easier to focus on the losses. Why is that? How did we evolve to be that way?

Life needs to be more about the positive moments. Our wins. No matter how insignificant they make seem.

Winning moments.