Moments D710: When the wait is over

So maybe patience isn't at the top of my list of strengths.  Most of the time, I can manage the anxiety that rises from waiting. But there are moments where the emotional pull into the worry is too strong.

This evening was one of those moments.

And as I waited, I could feel the panic rise within.  I talked myself down.  For every point that I was worried about, I found a reason not to worry.  White daemons.  But the words found were weak and failed to create robust daemons to really fight the worry away.  

And so I waited, aware that I was trying not to worry.  Aware of the rise of emotion within.  Aware that there was nothing I could do until the answers were given to me.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And then finally, a snippet of information came through.  Two words.  They were positive words, but left a whole world of questions open behind the door opened.

The more I thought about it, the more the panic started to creep back in.  Time, my worst enemy.  I tried the tactic of counter-reasons for my worry points...and failed.

I circled back into the awareness that I was trying not to worry; of the rise of emotion within; that there was nothing I could do until further answers were given to me.

And I waited.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And the (most) answers finally came.  A wave of relief washed over me.  I had more questions, but the deepest darkest worries had vanished, in that moment.

That moment, that moment where I felt the world's weight lift from me, that's today's moment to celebrate because I know there will be days where instead of the weight of the world being lifted from me, it will crush me.

Today was not one of those days.  I celebrate that moment.  That moment where the clouds part and the sun hits your face.  That moment after holding your breath for far too long that you are able to gasp for air and you deeply, luxuriously inhale.

That is a magical moment.

Moments knowing you are circling the rabbit hole.

Moments being pulled out of the darkness of your mind.

Moments D678: Waiting

Today is Oscar night.  Not typically a big night for me.  I know, however, that it is for many as they anticipate the "best of..." for the year.   After yesterday's eye-opening moment, it got me to thinking about waiting for answers. (Can you imagine sitting in the audience, waiting for the announcement of your name.....or not?)

Waiting for an announcement.Waiting for results. Waiting for answers.Waiting on someone else for something you need.

From the big moments to the small ones, how incredibly challenging waiting can be.  I think of those sitting in the waiting rooms of hospitals waiting for their loved ones to come out of surgery, waiting for answers.  I think of the students waiting for the results from their recent midterms and the anxiety that goes with that wait.  I think of those waiting for the call back to a new job or simply waiting at your doctor's office.  Never mind someone waiting for the announcement of the biggest prize or accolade of their life's works.

The anxiety. The anticipation.

It's no wonder I don't like waiting rooms!  Today I realized, however, that sometimes waiting isn't such a terrible thing.  I don't know my midterm mark yet and that's okay, it's not like it's as high on my priority list as it once was.  Sometimes waiting is a good thing.  Sometimes feeling that anxiety, flipping through the possibilities in your mind is a healthy feeling because when the answer is finally revealed, it's not such a surprise and, on some level, you can live the fantasy of landing that perfect mark.

Today's moment: a better understanding that waiting isn't so bad after all.

Moments waiting.

Moments just before the answers are revealed.  It's like the calm before the storm.

Moments D676: Waiting Rooms

Here's something you likely don't know about me. I dislike waiting rooms. I know, most people likely do.  Really, who likes waiting around for someone else?  That said, some may enjoy the quiet downtime as they wait for their appointment. For me, it's a waste of very precious time.

Unfortunately, for me, my doctor is always running behind schedule. It's not just once in awhile. It's every single time I go to visit her. I wouldn't mind so much if it were merely 5-10, even 15 minutes each time. Sadly, the truth is that she is typically an hour late - or more. It's disrespectful of my time to always be so late.

Even so, she's still my doctor. I know, I know. I should just find a new MD and believe me, I've thought about it, but it's been a low priority given that I really only see her once, maybe twice a year.

Today was a check-up. All I needed was blood work done, so, in essence a requisition form for the lab. I'd see my doctor for maybe 5 minutes for it.

And I waited for just over an hour.

Normally I would have been quite tweaked by the end of my waiting time. Today was a different story. Today I had EQ with me as he's back in town! Our hour in the waiting room was a nice mid-day treat. Bonus time.

Instead of feeling like I had had time stolen from me, I now felt like I had stumbled across bonus time with my love. Perfect really considering he came back to Toronto early.  Bonus time!

We enjoyed every extra minute we had together today because of my tardy, ill-organized, overbooked doctor.  I'm not complaining.  Instead, I'm celebrating that moment.

Moments seeing with a different perspective.

Moments appreciating bonus time.

Moments D564: Patience

My cold blew up on me a bit last night. I wasn't sure if I'd make it through the day let alone out for dinner with EQ and BFF tonight.  The day seemed to be long, but it was very productive regardless of the sluggishness I felt.  When the end of the day finally arrived, it was a mini celebration with EQ & BFF!

But today's moment isn't about the incredible chat I had with EQ en route to BFF's house, nor is it the amazing dinner and evening we enjoyed with her.  My moment today is celebrating patience, because today it felt like I was constantly digging to find it.

You know the kind of day I'm talking about, right?  The kind of day where you are tired, a bit off your game (in my case sluggish because of my cold) and you aren't feeling very talkative.  When you combine an emotional/physical state as this with a day filled with drop-in people asking questions and new projects being added to your to-do list, it's a sure combination for disaster.  Unless, of course, you dig deep and find some patience.

Today, was one of those days for me. I managed to not only avert disaster, but I didn't give into the malicious voices in my head either.  You know the ones.  That little voice in the back of your head calling people names for not getting the picture the first (or second, or third) time.  The voice shouting out your irritation because you've been interrupted for the tenth time today.  It's that voice tempting me to snap at people and not treat them as kindly as I normally do.

While my responses may not have been as effervescent as normal, I was able to dig deep and find the patience to squash that malicious voice.  Every time it bubbled close to the surface, I took a breath and found a little more patience.

Breathing and pausing.  What  a difference it makes.

Moments reflecting on the day and realizing you were pretty successful afterall.

Moments celebrating patience.

Moments D448: Patience and Trust and Believing, OH MY!

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you knew there was more to the story being shared but the details weren't being share?   Where the silence is deafening and the pauses between words spoken are screaming at you?  

This very thing has bean happening to me more often recently.  I don't recall it happening near as often before in my life. Does it mean that I'm more intuitive or that I'm simply paying more attention to those around me?  The reason I can't explain, but there is no denying that these gaps exist. These days my intuition is strong and it has been bang on (for better or worse!).   The fact that my intuition is stronger than it's been in years, is a sign that I am back on the right path.   But I digress from the point of today's moment.

Sometimes those you love succumb to fear (don't we all?), but when they stop trusting (themselves or you) they stop believing that there is someone listening, that someone cares.  For the record, I will always listen.  I will always be there for those I love, no matter how dark, no matter how stormy.  I am not here just for the good times.  I'm here on a soul journey and that includes being present even in the darkest of days.

So, while I've been struggling with the silence from my loved ones, on my own, for awhile now, I've found patience.  I know I can't rush my loved ones.  When they are ready to share, I'll ask questions and dive in to support wherever I can.  

Today's moment was when my patience paid off as one of my loved ones opened up about something he's been dealing with on  his own.  The moment itself was a challenge.   The timing of the share, the seriousness of the content and worse yet, the inability to discuss further until much later in the day.  But dive into it later we did.  Now I feel stronger,  empowered with knowledge instead of weak with assumptions.   I feel in tune and in synch with next steps instead of sidelined waiting for words.  I am fully committed to ensuring that my loved one has what he needs to deal with his coming changes.  I know he felt relief after sharing.  As did I. Trust and belief in loved ones:  restored hope.  What an incredible, deep, moment for today.

I have another loved one holding back.  I send her love and light every day, willing her to open up and share.  Patience.  PATIENCE.  I am here when she is ready to trust.  I am here.  MY people, my loved ones matter.... so when they struggle,  I struggle to find solutions. When they celebrate the rain,  I dance and laugh with them.   We need not be alone in this life.

Patience and trust and believing.  

Moments where words matter.   (I suppose that's not fair.  Words always matter!)

Moments where people matter.  (ditto!)

Moments D435: Patience a Virtue

Today was a travel day.  Sure, the morning was calm and relaxed, but we hit the airport mid-afternoon, my flight out wasn't until 9pm and EQ left at 3.  I had a good long time to sit around and wait.  And wait I did as my flight was 30 minute delayed as well.  What a long day.

But as I sat in the airport and watched people come and go, I realized that this too wasn't so bad for me.  Patience is a good thing to dig deep for sometimes and being in a busy airport for four hours without wi-fi was a challenge!  I did some of my school readings, I organized my photos on my laptop and cleaned up old ones from my phone.  At no point in the waiting game did I feel like I was waiting.  I kept myself very busy, and quite productive.  I even met a gentleman who had just finished a Tough Mudder race earlier that weekend.  It made me anxious and excited for my own race this coming September.

I could have been grumpy about my wait times, but what's the point?  Why bring myself down just because of the location I was in.  Had I managed to get home sooner I would have been busy unpacking and doing homework anyway.  In fact, in this case, perhaps it was better that I was in the airport as going through old photos would never have been accomplished at home.  In the airport, it was a priority.  At home; not so much!

Today's moment, being patient without realizing you were being patient.  Six hours flew by.  As did my car ride home getting me in very late (3am).  Funny how perspective on your life and things that matter changes one's ability to dig a little deeper for patience.  Having recently jumped out of a plane, met a handful of interesting, positive and vibrant people, I am further inspired to dig deeper to share my light with those around me.  Six hours?  Who's counting.

Moments finding patience.
Moments realizing it doesn't matter and stuff is getting done.

Patience is a virtue....

As I sit in the car waiting to arrive at the hospital....I wonder where that saying originated.   So I googled it.  (What on earth did we do without google and the internet?)
Thank goodness for distractions.