Moments D710: When the wait is over

So maybe patience isn't at the top of my list of strengths.  Most of the time, I can manage the anxiety that rises from waiting. But there are moments where the emotional pull into the worry is too strong.

This evening was one of those moments.

And as I waited, I could feel the panic rise within.  I talked myself down.  For every point that I was worried about, I found a reason not to worry.  White daemons.  But the words found were weak and failed to create robust daemons to really fight the worry away.  

And so I waited, aware that I was trying not to worry.  Aware of the rise of emotion within.  Aware that there was nothing I could do until the answers were given to me.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And then finally, a snippet of information came through.  Two words.  They were positive words, but left a whole world of questions open behind the door opened.

The more I thought about it, the more the panic started to creep back in.  Time, my worst enemy.  I tried the tactic of counter-reasons for my worry points...and failed.

I circled back into the awareness that I was trying not to worry; of the rise of emotion within; that there was nothing I could do until further answers were given to me.

And I waited.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And the (most) answers finally came.  A wave of relief washed over me.  I had more questions, but the deepest darkest worries had vanished, in that moment.

That moment, that moment where I felt the world's weight lift from me, that's today's moment to celebrate because I know there will be days where instead of the weight of the world being lifted from me, it will crush me.

Today was not one of those days.  I celebrate that moment.  That moment where the clouds part and the sun hits your face.  That moment after holding your breath for far too long that you are able to gasp for air and you deeply, luxuriously inhale.

That is a magical moment.

Moments knowing you are circling the rabbit hole.

Moments being pulled out of the darkness of your mind.

Moments D388: Being Present

As this week passes by I have come to appreciate new perspectives on old facets of my life and to ponder possible futures. I suppose this had been sparked partially because I’ve spent so much time in the hospital recently. I think the shift also comes from having had some longer days and evenings to talk, really talk, with my Mom and I’ve had more time than ever to be introspective about my path too. This triangulation had caused the shift. Today’s moment of recognizing the need to be present helps to solidify these thoughts. And so… my moment of the day.

Today two of my dearest friends surprised my Mom, Dad and I at the hospital by finding us in the patient conservatory. I knew they were coming, but I was surprised to see them walk in the door when I thought I was going to meet them downstairs. What a lovely surprise that was.

The 5 of us sat in the conservatory and chatted for over an hour. I found it incredibly interesting how my parents and these two incredible gentlemen shared stories with one another. On some level I merely sat back and watched. One of my best friends recently lost his father and yet here he was, barely a week back from the funeral out of the country and he was in a hospital talking to my Mom and Dad. He shared memories of his Dad, both silly and sad. Being present at the time (in that I was hyper aware and not really adding much to the conversation but watching as an outsider) I could feel that this was something good for him.

On the flip side, seeing my Dad so very engaged and telling his own stories was another “being present” moment as I watched and enjoyed the flow of energy between my parents and my best friends. Again, I watched more than I participated. The laughter was real and deep. The tender moments weren’t awkward, instead they felt cathartic in the sharing. Shareing the belief of when it’s your time, it’s your time. Shareing moments of gratitude for our supportive health care system.

The ebb and flow. It felt also very real and natural.

My moment from all of this is realizing that being more fully present is something I need to do more of. Being present with those I love is far more important than many things that cross my path in a day. From a “micro” perspective, the depth of a relationship depends, to some extent upon the time invested into them. Sure it’s necessary to have a connection on some level, but being present gives the relationship depth. From a “macro”perspective: life is short. Life is fragile. Why wouldn’t you always be present to the ebb and flow of energy?

Moments where you solidify wants vs needs a little more.

Moments of being present.