So maybe patience isn't at the top of my list of strengths. Most of the time, I can manage the anxiety that rises from waiting. But there are moments where the emotional pull into the worry is too strong.
This evening was one of those moments.
And as I waited, I could feel the panic rise within. I talked myself down. For every point that I was worried about, I found a reason not to worry. White daemons. But the words found were weak and failed to create robust daemons to really fight the worry away.
And so I waited, aware that I was trying not to worry. Aware of the rise of emotion within. Aware that there was nothing I could do until the answers were given to me.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
And then finally, a snippet of information came through. Two words. They were positive words, but left a whole world of questions open behind the door opened.
The more I thought about it, the more the panic started to creep back in. Time, my worst enemy. I tried the tactic of counter-reasons for my worry points...and failed.
I circled back into the awareness that I was trying not to worry; of the rise of emotion within; that there was nothing I could do until further answers were given to me.
And I waited.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Waiting.
And the (most) answers finally came. A wave of relief washed over me. I had more questions, but the deepest darkest worries had vanished, in that moment.
That moment, that moment where I felt the world's weight lift from me, that's today's moment to celebrate because I know there will be days where instead of the weight of the world being lifted from me, it will crush me.
Today was not one of those days. I celebrate that moment. That moment where the clouds part and the sun hits your face. That moment after holding your breath for far too long that you are able to gasp for air and you deeply, luxuriously inhale.
That is a magical moment.
Moments knowing you are circling the rabbit hole.
Moments being pulled out of the darkness of your mind.
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