Today. What to say about today. I don't even know where to begin. It's been a mess, nothing went as planned. Not my wake up call, not my plan of attack for studying, nor the words that followed during the day. I wasn't nearly as productive for my studies as I had hoped, but I can say, looking back, that I managed to be productive in life.
What?
A life lesson I suppose. Scratch that. It's not really a lesson. I suppose it's more a reminder, because I already know most of what comes later in today's blog. It's just that sometimes I need a kick in the "you-know-what" to keep it in mind.
First, let me explain how the day unfolded (unravelled?).
I'm okay with things not always going as planned. Honestly! I know that things don't always go as planned. In fact, laugh as you might, I actually plan for things not to go as planned. I know, you likely feel like that is a great waste of energy, right? To each their own. Believe me, it's certainly saved my butt a few times over the years, in my books, it's well worth having a back-up plan. Today, even my backup plan wasn't so strong and in the end I was terribly frustrated.
Unscheduled stops today: (1) Missed my wake up call (2) A big deep conversation with BFF about how I'm managing my stress and expectations. She knows. She knows without me having shared anything that I'm worried. Brilliantly scary of her and she's never been off on that. And so, before I knew it, I was vomiting a lot of emotions her way. Apparently I haven't been handling the worry so well after all. We went deeper than I was really ready for, but it just felt so good to share and to have another perspective. (3) Then, unexpectedly, my needs passed up to make room for someone else's needs. Twice in an hour. Confusing, painful, but manageable as I had my studies to dive into today and I just about got there when.... (4) Heini called as she had time to connect. I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days and I was worried about her. I was happy to take a time out and catch up with her. And so I did. She shared with me the coming plans for her father's memorial. She even read his obituary aloud to me. That was a beautiful moment, one that, had I not had my own epiphany today, would have been today's moment! My dear friend is exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally. It's the least I could do to carve out time for her. She's one of my best friends and I know she'd be there for me in a blink of an eye. (5) Just after my chat with Heini and before I dove deep into my studies, I spent a bit more time with BFF given her updates from Heini. Seeing as I was now officially 4 hours behind schedule, that conversation was poignant and forced me to ask myself a few tough questions. And then BFF & I agreed, it was time I shut the world out and dive into my textbook. And so I did.
When I finally lifted my head to breathe, the day had passed. I had been productive. A good thing! I still had a few things to deal with (another chapter to do problems from, a chat with EQ, and a visit to Heini's cat). And so, without much thought, I sent EQ a note say I was out the door and off I went to visit kitty (poor little dude needs a visit and more food)!
And that's when I had my moment for today.
I turned on the car and Dinosaur Jr's song "Feel the Pain" had just come on. I smiled to myself and slowly drove off as memories and feelings flooded me.
First of all, this was a song that I loved to play on Rock Band. I'd sing it, I'd drum it. I think I even tried to do guitar once (I was terrible at guitar on Rock Band!). I quickly found myself mesmerized by the beat; it's that funky double kick base. It always gave me trouble and, me the perfectionist, would play it over and over and over again until I started to get it. Oh yes. I feel the pain.
And then I found myself reminiscing to a time when I had time to play Rock Band. That feels like a lifetime ago. As those ghosts came and left me, I felt their weight. I realized that today I was definitely feeling the pain. I often feel the pain of those around me and today was a heavy dose of that. I also found myself dealing with my own stress and pain and tears filled my eyes.
Life is not perfect. I don't expect it to be.
People aren't perfect. I don't expect them to be.
Relationships ebb and flow. I don't expect perfection there either.
Me. I expect perfection from myself.
Not fair of me, but what can I say, I'm still a work-in-progress.
Frustrated by where I find myself today, I fell into the pain. I am not perfect. I never will be. I cannot fit into a mould where someone needs me to be perfect. I am not always bright and happy and bubbly. I have dark moments. Hell, I have dark days. I have fears. I have needs that may seem odd and strange to some. I don't need to be perfect. I know this, but I do need to be accepted. I need to be loved for all my parts. As I surfaced from my 60s pity-party, I realized just how alive I was feeling in that moment. It was raw, it was real and I wouldn't change it for the world.
That moment reminded me that I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people. I know I am loved. Good, bad and the ugly. Today was a perfect example of that. It was a deep, raw blend of giving and taking words and emotions with those I love. I've said it once, I'll say it again and again and again: for me, life is all about my people. In the end, who really cares about the mark I do (or don't) get in this class. No one except me. Who cares that BFF was there for me today, or that I was there for Heini today? I could easily rhyme off a handful of names in either case.
Perspective.
Moments feeling the pain.
Moments feeling alive.
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