Moments D720: Feeling Alive

Today.  What to say about today.  I don't even know where to begin.  It's been a mess, nothing went as planned.  Not my wake up call, not my plan of attack for studying, nor the words that followed during the day.  I wasn't nearly as productive for my studies as I had hoped, but I can say, looking back, that I managed to be productive in life.

What?

A life lesson I suppose.  Scratch that.  It's not really a lesson.  I suppose it's more a reminder, because I already know most of what comes later in today's blog.  It's just that sometimes I need a kick in the "you-know-what" to keep it in mind.

First, let me explain how the day unfolded (unravelled?).

I'm okay with things not always going as planned.  Honestly!  I know that things don't always go as planned. In fact, laugh as you might, I actually plan for things not to go as planned.  I know, you likely feel like that is a great waste of energy, right?  To each their own.  Believe me, it's certainly saved my butt a few times over the years, in my books, it's well worth having a back-up plan.  Today, even my backup plan wasn't so strong and in the end I was terribly frustrated.

Unscheduled stops today:  (1) Missed my wake up call (2)  A big deep conversation with BFF about how I'm managing my stress and expectations.  She knows.  She knows without me having shared anything that I'm worried.  Brilliantly scary of her and she's never been off on that. And so, before I knew it, I was vomiting a lot of emotions her way.  Apparently I haven't been handling the worry so well after all.  We went deeper than I was really ready for, but it just felt so good to share and to have another perspective.  (3)  Then, unexpectedly, my needs passed up to make room for someone else's needs.  Twice in an hour.  Confusing, painful, but manageable as I had my studies to dive into today and I just about got there when.... (4) Heini called as she had time to connect.  I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days and I was worried about her.  I was happy to take a time out and catch up with her.  And so I did.  She shared with me the coming plans for her father's memorial.  She even read his obituary aloud to me. That was a beautiful moment, one that, had I not had my own epiphany today, would have been today's moment! My dear friend is exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally.  It's the least I could do to carve out time for her.  She's one of my best friends and I know she'd be there for me in a blink of an eye.  (5) Just after my chat with Heini and before I dove deep into my studies, I spent a bit more time with BFF given her updates from Heini.  Seeing as I was now officially 4 hours behind schedule, that conversation was poignant and forced me to ask myself a few tough questions.  And then BFF & I agreed, it was time I shut the world out and dive into my textbook.  And so I did.

When I finally lifted my head to breathe, the day had passed.  I had been productive.  A good thing! I still had a few things to deal with (another chapter to do problems from, a chat with EQ, and a visit to Heini's cat).  And so, without much thought, I sent EQ a note say I was out the door and off I went to visit kitty (poor little dude needs a visit and more food)!

And that's when I had my moment for today.

I turned on the car and Dinosaur Jr's song "Feel the Pain" had just come on.   I smiled to myself and slowly drove off as memories and feelings flooded me.

First of all, this was a song that I loved to play on Rock Band.   I'd sing it, I'd drum it.  I think I even tried to do guitar once (I was terrible at guitar on Rock Band!).  I quickly found myself mesmerized by the beat; it's that funky double kick base.  It always gave me trouble and, me the perfectionist, would play it over and over and over again until I started to get it.  Oh yes.  I feel the pain.

And then I found myself reminiscing to a time when I had time to play Rock Band.  That feels like a lifetime ago.  As those ghosts came and left me, I felt their weight.  I realized that today I was definitely feeling the pain.  I often feel the pain of those around me and today was a heavy dose of that.  I also found myself dealing with my own stress and pain and tears filled my eyes.

Life is not perfect.  I don't expect it to be.
People aren't perfect.  I don't expect them to be.
Relationships ebb and flow.  I don't expect perfection there either.
Me.  I expect perfection from myself.

Not fair of me, but what can I say, I'm still a work-in-progress.

Frustrated by where I find myself today, I fell into the pain.  I am not perfect.  I never will be.  I cannot fit into a mould where someone needs me to be perfect. I am not always bright and happy and bubbly.  I have dark moments.  Hell, I have dark days.  I have fears.  I have needs that may seem odd and strange to some. I don't need to be perfect.  I know this, but I do need to be accepted.  I need to be loved for all my parts. As I surfaced from my 60s pity-party, I realized just how alive I was feeling in that moment.  It was raw, it was real and I wouldn't change it for the world.

That moment reminded me that I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people.  I know I am loved.  Good, bad and the ugly.  Today was a perfect example of that.  It was a deep, raw blend of giving and taking words and emotions with those I love. I've said it once, I'll say it again and again and again:  for me, life is all about my people.  In the end, who really cares about the mark I do (or don't) get in this class.  No one except me.  Who cares that BFF was there for me today, or that I was there for Heini today?  I could easily rhyme off a handful of names in either case.

Perspective.

Moments feeling the pain.
Moments feeling alive.

Moments D660: It's done. Phew.

Another midterm under my belt.  I survived it.  It wasn't pretty, but I wasn't really expecting it to be.  The first part wasn't as hard as I expected.  The last part, sadly, was harder than I expected.  Of course, that last question was worth the most on this test.

Was I disappointed in my performance?  Yes.  I ran out of time.  I know, with more time, I would have offered up a better tax report for that final question.  I simply ran out of time.  I wasn't fast enough in applying the knowledge I had in my brain ad it's going to cost me dearly.

But, as disappointed as I was, I found myself shaking it off quicker than ever.  I was very much looking forward to being home and curling up with EQ on the couch for a couple of hours before heading to bed.  I know how hard the past few days have been on him, on me and on us.

And so, I stopped on my way home and picked up dinner for the two of us.  When I arrived home, I could tell that his bad day had gotten the best of him too.  With both of us licking wounds, we ate in a content silence as we watched a couple of Ted Talks.

At one point, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it.  He said no.

At another point in time, he asked me if I wanted to talk about my midterm.  I declined.

And shortly after that, we decided to end this day, crawl in bed and pull the covers over our head.

Phew.  It's done.  This day is finally over.  Now for sleep and to begin anew tomorrow with a refreshed view on how to tackle the next half of this semester.

Moments struggling with the day's events.

Moments realizing it's not so bad and after a good night's sleep, it will barely be a blip on the screen.

Moments D657: Found

I know I have talked a lot about words in my blog.  I suppose that is apropos given that I've taken to sharing a moment with the world every day via a blog.  Written words.

Written.

It seems I am better equipped to find the right words (or more coherent words) when I write.

Today was one of those reminder days.

It was a challenging weekend for me.  I've been nose to the grind digging into my textbook to get caught up enough to do well on my coming midterm.

It hasn't been fun.  It hasn't been easy.  It has been necessary.

At the end of today, my spoken words were failing me.  I was frustrated and I, frankly, gave up on them.

EQ came to my rescue.  Just at that moment where you are ready for the world to implode on you because you can't seem to express yourself well, he came to my rescue.

With some magic (at least it was magical to me), EQ found the words that had been floating in my head.  He brought to life the thoughts and feelings I was struggling to explain in my own words.  He was concise and eloquent as he did it.  In three or four sentences he had it all summed up.

It emulated a perfectly wrapped present.  You know, that present that you are dying to know what is inside, but it is so prettily wrapped that you are afraid to open it up and destroy its beauty.  What if, the goodies inside were not as expected?

And here was my perfectly wrapped present from EQ.  A neat little package of words that were deeply meaningful to me.  Was I really ready to open it up and dig a little deeper?

Yes, that was a pretty powerful moment.  That moment where I had a choice to accept those found words or deny them.  I chose the harder path.  The path that forced me to go deeper than ever before.

In the end, it seems I was ready for digging deeper, for what ensued was a profound and fulfilling conversation about growth, opportunity and the excitement of our future together.

All because of a few found words that I wasn't able to find, but were found for me.

Brilliant!

Moments failing with words.

Moments where your partner picks up the vibe and finds the words.