Moments 737: Spring is coming....I can FEEEEEEL it

There are days when you wake it's challenging to get out of bed.  You REALLY don't want to.  Maybe the day's challenges seem overwhelming, or it's simply a drab-grey day that warrants a "pull-the-covers-over-your-head" moment.

Of course, most of us don't have the luxury of heeding the desire to stay in bed.  This morning proved to be one of those days for me.  It's a grey day and I didn't get much sleep last night with my mind racing through many (MANY) variables in my life.  When I finally did succumb to sleep, it was not the good deep sleep that a gal needs.

So yes, it was hard to get out of bed this morning for me.

And then, as the sunlight grew in intensity, I could hear the faintest chirp.  It was solo, but it was a welcome sound.  I listened for some time, as the single chirp was joined by others.  A smile crept to my tired face.  Yes, that is a sound I love dearly, the morning choir of birds praising the start of a new day.  Given that there are fewer birds in the winter, it's always a welcomed moment when the choir of birds return.

Today was that day.

As I lay there in bed a moment longer than I should have, I let myself be enveloped by the sounds of chirping birds.  Sometimes it still surprises me what can inspire a moment of calm in my often chaotic world.

Moments enjoying the sound of spring arriving.
Moment knowing that I still have the ability to pause and appreciate!

Moments D732: A new Season begins

Today was the first real snowfall of the season.  It's surprising given it's only November 15th. It is early.  Some would say too early.

To be fair, wasn't much of a snowfall, but it was cold enough that it stayed on the ground - a nice light covering.  It nicely juxtaposed with the orange of the leaves that have only just fallen to the ground.

With the change in season comes a change in focus.  I'm nearing the end of this semester and studying for my final (in only two days!).  My focus this semester has not really been on my studies, and I'm certainly feeling the pain of that now.  The time it's taking me to catch up only proves that point!  (That said, I did enjoy my time with EQ this semester!)  Studying this weekend has been a buckle-down-get-'er-done kind of weekend.  Talk about focus! 

The change in season brings another shift in focus.  As this semester comes to a close, so too does a very large chapter in my life.  Next semester, only 45 days away, I will be going back to school full time.  It's not really my choice to head back full time, but I've reached a point in my degree where I am bound by a timeline expectation from the university.  I am to be done my degree by December 2015.  In order to best make that happen, I need to take five (yes 5!) classes next semester.

Talk about a change in season!  My goal, if the powers that be allow it, is to work part-time and school full-time (essentially swap my time around!)  I barely remember a time when I did five courses at the same time.  I'm not entirely certain that my mind will be able  to manage all that information at the same time!  Fortunately I think my time management skills are 150% better now than what they were back in 1994!

It will be a change in season too because I will shift gears from immigration and jobs to planning for our wedding - just under 170 days from today.  Our ceremony will be a small, intimate gathering.  Regardless of its size, I want it to be a beautiful reflection of the amazing couple we are.  It needs to be perfect....as perfect as my partner and I are together (which is not to say we don't have our faults!  We're just perfect together!).  Invitations, a dress, a bathing suit, a reception of some kind when we get home for everyone to celebrate with us.....yes, many details to flush out yet.  I am eager to have time to focus on this frivolous celebration of our love.   I love this man like I've never known love to be before.  I look forward to celebrating us, without all of life's complications.    It will be incredible to celebrate the depth of love joy we have with one another with those we love and cherish in our lives.  

Heralding in a new season brings with it the passing of the old season.  As many are now lamenting over the distant days of summer and the brevity of our autumn,  I find myself now looking fondly back in time as well.  There is a sense of fear to look forward to the changes coming.  No, that would be a lie.  I am terrified.  I can't admit that outloud as that only makes me seem weak, but I am terrified.   This season that is coming to a close has been comfortable.  Even though it hasn't been easy, it's been comfortable and, for the most part, predictable.  Looking forward, to the season that is on my doorstep, I fear the lack of understanding of what's to come.  What will I be able to control and what must I let go uncontrolled and deal with it?

To keep it short, I fear failing.  I fear the stress that is inevitable.  I fear what that will do to my beautiful relationship.  I fear what I will (or won't) be  doing for work.  And while, for some, my need to talk about my fears seems like wasted breaths, for me, talking about them helps to take away their mystery.  Their power over me somehow falls away when I speak of them out loud.  I think it's a way for me to help create and/or fortify my White Daemons.  For me, not talking about the anxiety that is rising within me only compounds my fear.    

And so, dear readers, I have now shared my anxiety at the turn of the coming season with you.  It's another way for me to ponder how I'm feeling and how I will walk through the challenges ahead.  I know that I am strong.  I know that I will fight through the hard days and find the light at the end of this very, very long school tunnel.  No matter what, I will get it done.   (I always do!)  But that doesn't mean that I'm not anxious about it.  

It's going to be an intense winter and I'm not entirely certain I have the capacity within me to juggle as much as will be hitting me come January.

Moments feeling sad at the change in season.

Moments celebrating the season to come.

Moments D723: SURVIVED

Today I wrote the final exam for a class that I never thought I'd have to take. (It was a course that was not required curriculum when I started my degree part time years ago, but now, over time it's become part of the curriculum.)

I actually managed to have enough time to finish the exam (unlike our midterm where I felt very short and didn't finish the exam!) and as I walked away from that class room for the last time this semester, I could help but feel a sense of relief.

I had survived. I will pass this course, no doubt about it.

Done.

Next?

Moments feeling good about all the work you put in to survive.

Moments enjoying that second where relief sets in.

Moments D720: Feeling Alive

Today.  What to say about today.  I don't even know where to begin.  It's been a mess, nothing went as planned.  Not my wake up call, not my plan of attack for studying, nor the words that followed during the day.  I wasn't nearly as productive for my studies as I had hoped, but I can say, looking back, that I managed to be productive in life.

What?

A life lesson I suppose.  Scratch that.  It's not really a lesson.  I suppose it's more a reminder, because I already know most of what comes later in today's blog.  It's just that sometimes I need a kick in the "you-know-what" to keep it in mind.

First, let me explain how the day unfolded (unravelled?).

I'm okay with things not always going as planned.  Honestly!  I know that things don't always go as planned. In fact, laugh as you might, I actually plan for things not to go as planned.  I know, you likely feel like that is a great waste of energy, right?  To each their own.  Believe me, it's certainly saved my butt a few times over the years, in my books, it's well worth having a back-up plan.  Today, even my backup plan wasn't so strong and in the end I was terribly frustrated.

Unscheduled stops today:  (1) Missed my wake up call (2)  A big deep conversation with BFF about how I'm managing my stress and expectations.  She knows.  She knows without me having shared anything that I'm worried.  Brilliantly scary of her and she's never been off on that. And so, before I knew it, I was vomiting a lot of emotions her way.  Apparently I haven't been handling the worry so well after all.  We went deeper than I was really ready for, but it just felt so good to share and to have another perspective.  (3)  Then, unexpectedly, my needs passed up to make room for someone else's needs.  Twice in an hour.  Confusing, painful, but manageable as I had my studies to dive into today and I just about got there when.... (4) Heini called as she had time to connect.  I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days and I was worried about her.  I was happy to take a time out and catch up with her.  And so I did.  She shared with me the coming plans for her father's memorial.  She even read his obituary aloud to me. That was a beautiful moment, one that, had I not had my own epiphany today, would have been today's moment! My dear friend is exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally.  It's the least I could do to carve out time for her.  She's one of my best friends and I know she'd be there for me in a blink of an eye.  (5) Just after my chat with Heini and before I dove deep into my studies, I spent a bit more time with BFF given her updates from Heini.  Seeing as I was now officially 4 hours behind schedule, that conversation was poignant and forced me to ask myself a few tough questions.  And then BFF & I agreed, it was time I shut the world out and dive into my textbook.  And so I did.

When I finally lifted my head to breathe, the day had passed.  I had been productive.  A good thing! I still had a few things to deal with (another chapter to do problems from, a chat with EQ, and a visit to Heini's cat).  And so, without much thought, I sent EQ a note say I was out the door and off I went to visit kitty (poor little dude needs a visit and more food)!

And that's when I had my moment for today.

I turned on the car and Dinosaur Jr's song "Feel the Pain" had just come on.   I smiled to myself and slowly drove off as memories and feelings flooded me.

First of all, this was a song that I loved to play on Rock Band.   I'd sing it, I'd drum it.  I think I even tried to do guitar once (I was terrible at guitar on Rock Band!).  I quickly found myself mesmerized by the beat; it's that funky double kick base.  It always gave me trouble and, me the perfectionist, would play it over and over and over again until I started to get it.  Oh yes.  I feel the pain.

And then I found myself reminiscing to a time when I had time to play Rock Band.  That feels like a lifetime ago.  As those ghosts came and left me, I felt their weight.  I realized that today I was definitely feeling the pain.  I often feel the pain of those around me and today was a heavy dose of that.  I also found myself dealing with my own stress and pain and tears filled my eyes.

Life is not perfect.  I don't expect it to be.
People aren't perfect.  I don't expect them to be.
Relationships ebb and flow.  I don't expect perfection there either.
Me.  I expect perfection from myself.

Not fair of me, but what can I say, I'm still a work-in-progress.

Frustrated by where I find myself today, I fell into the pain.  I am not perfect.  I never will be.  I cannot fit into a mould where someone needs me to be perfect. I am not always bright and happy and bubbly.  I have dark moments.  Hell, I have dark days.  I have fears.  I have needs that may seem odd and strange to some. I don't need to be perfect.  I know this, but I do need to be accepted.  I need to be loved for all my parts. As I surfaced from my 60s pity-party, I realized just how alive I was feeling in that moment.  It was raw, it was real and I wouldn't change it for the world.

That moment reminded me that I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people.  I know I am loved.  Good, bad and the ugly.  Today was a perfect example of that.  It was a deep, raw blend of giving and taking words and emotions with those I love. I've said it once, I'll say it again and again and again:  for me, life is all about my people.  In the end, who really cares about the mark I do (or don't) get in this class.  No one except me.  Who cares that BFF was there for me today, or that I was there for Heini today?  I could easily rhyme off a handful of names in either case.

Perspective.

Moments feeling the pain.
Moments feeling alive.

Moments D672: Needed hugs

Some days it just happens.  I project.  I don't mean to.  It just happens.  It happens when I'm too busy to slow down enough to see what energy I'm sharing with the world around me.

Today was one of those days.  I projected my stress outward.  It's not that I said anything about it, no, it was really just my quick responses, lacking any depth or energy to them.  Today, I had much on my "to do" list and I didn't want any of it to carry over to tomorrow.  (I failed on that point - that's ambition for you!)

Near the end of the day Chica came around to my desk and without saying anything gave me a big 'ol hug from behind as I continued to work away on a document on my computer.  At that point, I had to laugh and turned to thank her.

She said she knew I needed it.  And that was it.  She was off for the day and gone.

She was right.  Her small action made me pause and consider all that I was stressing over.  It will still be there tomorrow.

What a wonderful work moment today.

Moments being unaware of what you are projecting.

Moments being quickly brought back into awareness, with a needed hug.

Moments D646: Post Quiz Revelations

Today was not an easy day.  I haven't been feeling well.   I have also been trying to get back into the swing of school and failing miserably at finding my groove.  My mind has been filled with work "to dos" and my body and mind have been too tired to really dig into extra work or school readings.  Not a good combination given that I had my first quiz this evening in class.

Fortunately, I was spaced out enough that I didn't really stress too much about my first quiz.  It was only worth 10% of my final mark.  No problem.  I can swallow that and make up for it if I need to.  (right?) It was okay that I hadn't read all my chapters.  I had my class notes and had walked through the problems assigned to me.  I should be able to survive the quiz and that would be good enough. (right?)

Good enough.  What?  A year ago I would have been really stressed over the missed readings and extra time devoted to thoroughly understanding the material before this quiz.  Not tonight.  No, not tonight.  Who the heck am I?

It's one thing to logically talk yourself into "this is okay" and another thing entirely to believe it once you walk away from that conversation.  (In my case, a conversation with myself!)  And I wasn't entirely convinced that I was believing that it was okay until  today's moment happened.

Today's moment happened just after meeting up with EQ, Comic Guy and Archie for a late dinner and drink.  I really was okay with the fact that I likely didn't do well on this quiz.  I believed it.  It wasn't just lip service.  It was that moment when I admitted to Archie that I was okay even though I'm certain that my quiz did not go well.  That moment that was the tiniest of blips in my day, but it was a significant one looking back on it.

Instead we sat and had big meaningful life changing conversations.  It was incredible and empowering.

That said, you know it means that I'm not going to fight like hell to do much, much better on the rest of my tests in this class, but for this moment, I was okay with "good enough".

Moments recognizing self-growth.

Moments knowing (and believing) that the golf balls in your life really are more important.

Moments D614: Birds on a Wire

This morning was our last on the ship.  Our week of fun in the Caribbean had come to a close.

We rose early and had our final breakfast with Mom & Dad.  And before we all knew it, our time was up and we headed in separate directions.  Mom and Dad home to Canada, EQ & I off to spend the night in Miami.

At least that was the plan.  Until we realized that finding a hotel might be a bit more challenging that we had expected it to be.  What we thought would be an easy last minute find, turned out to be an Orange Bowl headache. We actually spent the rest of the morning looking for a hotel room.  We stayed on the ship for as long as we could, but that wasn't long enough to search out a hotel room.   Miami was sold out of hotel rooms and those left available were outrageously priced.

And so, we had to be flexible.  We looked into changing our flight to fly out today.  That turned out to be as expensive as the remaining hotel rooms in the city.  It's a busy time of year for travellers.  Strike one.

We thought we struck lucky when we booked a 5-star hotel on one of those discount sites.  Then the first email from the broker site informed us that we would have to wait 24-hours for an actual reservation code.  Well.  That was helpful.  An hour plus later and a phone call to the broker and hotel booked reveals that there is no availability.  The hotel is overbooked.  Strike two.

EQ complained that travelling with me wasn't the same as travelling without me.  Well duh, I suppose it isn't, but I'm no fancy princess. I can roll with it.  I actually figured we might end up sleeping at the airport at this point!

Then I started looking a little deeper into the folds of possibilities.  Motels.  Honestly, they are really a hit or miss thing.  Sometimes I've been lucky and found a gem.  Other times it was a complete dive.  Unfortunately (or in our case fortunately!) not all of them are online with websites and/or listed on the big broker sites which means they don't get the traffic of the bigger hotels.  I figured it was worth calling a few.

And so we did.  After a lot of apologetic conversations about being booked for the past two months due to the Orange Bowl, we struck gold with a motel very close to little Havana.

It was a stressful morning and afternoon as we fought through the piles (and piles!) of non-available conversations.  Arriving at the motel was a relief.  EQ called it a "hooker-hotel".  It really wasn't too far off that, but at least it was clean and close to the airport.  From my perspective it was quaint, and obviously not a high class place.  It was also outrageously priced for what they offered, but it under the circumstances, it was a room and a bed for the night. It would certainly do the trick.

And then it rained.  It poured actually.  I spent the afternoon in this hooker hotel catching up on emails as EQ took a calming bath.  It was good to catch up and reconnect with my world back home.  It was strange to be disconnected for a week.

And then it was time for our dinner date with EQ's business partner; he offered to take us out for dinner.  It was my first time meeting EQ's business partner.  What an incredible soul!  Not that I'm surprised, knowing that EQ respects and trusts him without falter.

Phew - all this to bring you around to today's moment.  It felt necessary to share the high stress of today because today's moment presented the exact opposite of the rest of the day.  The moment happened when EQ & I were on our way to dinner with his business partner who lives in the area.   I sat in the back seat of the car so that EQ and his partner could catch up - it's been months since they last saw one another.  It allowed me to be more focused on the surroundings flying past as I partially listened to their conversation.

The rains had stopped and the clouds had parted.  It was dusk as we drove into little Havana to the well known Cuban restaurant for dinner.  And there they were:




Tons and tons of black birds sitting on the wires above the street happily chirping and enjoying the last of the day, fresh from the rain.  I enjoyed their song for the fleeting moment that I was beneath them.

I smiled and enjoyed this passing moment.  As we drove on, I reflected back over our stressful day and how we conquered it. (maybe not in style, but we conquered none-the-less!) Now with the rain behind us, we were out celebrating with a delightful tour of the area and were about to feed ourselves with delightful local Cuban flavours.  I found myself greatly enjoying those last moments of our day, much like those black birds sitting and singing high above the street.

Given our roller coaster day, I was reminded that storms will come and go and when they do pass, life around dries and the birds come to sing once again.  Much like life.  Storms in life will pass and when they do and things settle down, those around you sing once again.  My heart was singing once again.

I love when that happens.

Moments pushing through the stressful moments of life.

Moments celebrating the song around you.

Moments D603: Shadow Dance

Today's moment surprised me, as many moments over the days passed have.  The full moon, the coming holiday season, current life shifts and questions, so many unanswered questions.  It's been a circling swirl of energy and none overly productive.  The path is forward, but it feels like two steps forward, one back.  It's not how I typically work.  That said, I too am learning, changing and evolving.  I have learned that not everything needs to be driven hard forward.  Taking time, investigating, mulling over.  These are qualities that only fortify the path followed.  But it's not easy for me as here are too many unanswered questions.  That makes me uneasy.  Too many possibilities floating around me and, at times, it makes me feel a touch lost on the direction.

But I digress.  Today's moment appeared during a particularly stressful conversation, I found myself watching the shadows cast by the full moon on the landscape and the cars all around us.  And then I saw it, a big, beautiful shadow of the truck we were driving along the freeway in.  It was picture perfect.

In that moment, I couldn't help but smile and think back to when I was a kid and playing with toy cars.  My brother and I used to make shadows with them.  You know, a Hot Wheels car (or truck!), a flashlight, and a background.  What fun we had!

And just as quickly as my moment arrived, the shadow and memory vanished.

Moments stolen away from a stressful situation.

Moments recalling fond childhood memories.

Moments D322: Birthday Love & Exam Stress

Today was my birthday. It was also exam day. Talk about a day of opposites!

Fortunately I was proactive about this day. I booked the day off so I could study and focus on my exam. Good thing. I really, REALLY, needed the time. I dug in hard to the studying and the fruits of my labour will hopefully prove worth the work. (I should know next week….) But I won’t lie, it was very very stressful.

And throughout this particularly stressful day, I was peppered with love and showered with birthday wishes. It was the strangest day I’ve had in a long, long time.

And at the end of my long, long day, not only did I feel like I had accomplished something with all my hard work for my exam, but I also felt very loved. That’s the best of both worlds if you ask me. Kinda perfect for a birthday.

I am a lucky girl. I am surrounded by beautiful loving souls. My favourite message: the voicemail left by my nephews….singing me happy birthday. I’ve listened to it twice today. I’ve saved it. I will listen to it again tomorrow, for it warms my heart. (Then again, I’ve also watched this smile sent today a couple of times too!)

Like I said: A lucky girl.

Moments working through what needs to get done.

Moments stopping to enjoyed showered love.

Moments D146: Digging in

Heading back to school after an emotionally draining 9 month hiatus seems strange. I’m not sure I have the drive I once did for this part of my life. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, it’s only the second week of class. But, finding myself behind already due to an implementation of a fall reading week at the university. What? Really? Why? Well, apparently it’s good for the students’ mental health. Hmmm. My mental health would be better if I didn’t find myself behind after the first class due to a crammed schedule.

No matter. Today’s moment is about digging in and getting a good handle on the semester to come. I’ve been able to make some serious progress on my required readings and while I’m not 100% prepared for class number 2 tomorrow, I’m very close. That makes me feel good. I’ve accomplished something important to me today and that makes me smile.

Moments to focus.

Moments to work.

Moments to roll up your sleeves and just dig in!