Moments D723: SURVIVED

Today I wrote the final exam for a class that I never thought I'd have to take. (It was a course that was not required curriculum when I started my degree part time years ago, but now, over time it's become part of the curriculum.)

I actually managed to have enough time to finish the exam (unlike our midterm where I felt very short and didn't finish the exam!) and as I walked away from that class room for the last time this semester, I could help but feel a sense of relief.

I had survived. I will pass this course, no doubt about it.

Done.

Next?

Moments feeling good about all the work you put in to survive.

Moments enjoying that second where relief sets in.

Moments D464: Cleansing Rains

Today started early for me as I had a few things I needed to go over before my final exam.  Time this morning flew by and before I knew it, I was up to my eyes in planning at work.  The day seemed to skip by and though it was an easier day at work, the day still carried a dark cloud.  This afternoon I had to share some concerning news with a co-worker of mine.  It was overdue.  Now in the loop, he too is ready to tackle any oddities that might come down the pipe.  

The late afternoon brightened with a call from a friend who had received some great news from a waiting room.  It was the best kind of news one can get coming from a waiting room.  Our conversation brought a quick smile to my face and the energy to plough through the rest of my tired day with a warmth in my heart.

And yet, underneath the warm fuzzies I was nervous.  I always get nervous before an exam.  No matter how much prep I do, I get nervous.  And though Chica noted that I "...was holding it all together damn well...", underneath I was nervous.

Today's moment was beautiful!  I decided en route to my exam that I would take some time to breathe before my exam.  As I walked out of the parking garage and towards my classroom  I saw it - a present from the universe.  I held my breath.  There was my moment calling to me.  It was a bistro table with one chair overlooking the Ryerson pond.  I walked directly to it and sat down.  For the first five minutes I simply sat there and watched people come and go.  I smelled a wafting cloud of sweet smoke.  And then it began to sprinkle.  I sat there and pulled out my carefully typed up notes for one last round of reading.

As I sat there, a dog played in the water and the pigeons pecked at my feet.  My glasses were speckled with rain and my arms grew chilled.  I inhaled every moment of it, calming and preparing for the next two hours of writing out definitions and essays.

Before I knew it, my final came and went.  As usual, I over thought it.  The questions were challenging, but fair.  I'm sure I did well enough in the end.

As I left the building post-exam, I walked into the pouring rain.  I paused before heading to the parking garage and let the rains wash over me.  What perfect timing to be caught in a downpour. Another beautiful calm moment found despite the stress.  Another class down despite the distractions.

Moments to take pause to centre oneself.

Moments appreciating the pathetic fallacy of much needed cleansing rains.

Moments D353: Hard work

Today I was home from work studying for my final exam. A fresh snow on the ground melting away, the sky darkened with heavy clouds and winds wildly blustery. Truly a good day (again) to be inside. This made my day (and job as a student to focus) much easier!

Today’s moment was pausing a moment to appreciate my own hard work. Perhaps that sounds strange, but often there are days I push hard and I don’t take the time to stop and appreciate all that I’ve accomplished. Today, I took the time to do so.

Part of today’s realization as I took this moment of pause was a better understanding of self.

I’m an A student. Rarely I’ve had a B+ or (gasp) even one lonely B, but most of my courses have garnered an A+ result. Impressive? No, not really. Not for me at least. I realized that today.

It’s not that I’m not intelligent. I am, but I’m certainly no genius and those grades don’t come without hard work. (I won’t lie, I envy those that seem to just absorb information!) Me. I just work hard. This is a trait that I’m thankful for my parents giving me. It’s served me well over the years. In school, in my career, in relationships (even those failed) and in my health (as I think back to getting into better shape).

In the end I really do believe that my energy is like a simple math equation - it always has to be balanced, no matter whether the energy is coming or going. Energy in = Results Out (And no, there’s no entropy in my system - it’s all useful energy!) In other words, the energy that I put into something (a class, a relationship etc.) I feel I will see the output of that energy in a beneficial format. The more energy I put in (i.e. the harder I work) the better the results. And yes, within obviously physical limitations, I do believe that we can very much accomplish just about anything we set our minds to - with dedication and work.

Add a touch of perseverance and a lot of drive and the results can be surprising sometimes.

Today was one of those days. Hard work, perseverance through the sense of being overwhelmed by the material, and drive to keep going. I studied from 8am thru midnight. A small lunch break. And yes, not only did I get through all the material, I also managed to have a couple of magical moments whereCLICK - the pieces fell together and it was no longer necessary to memorize the information. It had become bigger than a piece of information, it became a process and ingrained in other processes I was familiar with. That CLICKmoment can be elusive. I was grateful to find it after a day of hard work.

I’m ready for this exam. It’s going to be great.

As Thomas Jefferson once said: ”I’m a greater believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it.”

Very, VERY true in my world.

Moments appreciating hard work.

Moments feeling prepared and ready to tackle that 50% final exam.

Moments D322: Birthday Love & Exam Stress

Today was my birthday. It was also exam day. Talk about a day of opposites!

Fortunately I was proactive about this day. I booked the day off so I could study and focus on my exam. Good thing. I really, REALLY, needed the time. I dug in hard to the studying and the fruits of my labour will hopefully prove worth the work. (I should know next week….) But I won’t lie, it was very very stressful.

And throughout this particularly stressful day, I was peppered with love and showered with birthday wishes. It was the strangest day I’ve had in a long, long time.

And at the end of my long, long day, not only did I feel like I had accomplished something with all my hard work for my exam, but I also felt very loved. That’s the best of both worlds if you ask me. Kinda perfect for a birthday.

I am a lucky girl. I am surrounded by beautiful loving souls. My favourite message: the voicemail left by my nephews….singing me happy birthday. I’ve listened to it twice today. I’ve saved it. I will listen to it again tomorrow, for it warms my heart. (Then again, I’ve also watched this smile sent today a couple of times too!)

Like I said: A lucky girl.

Moments working through what needs to get done.

Moments stopping to enjoyed showered love.

Moments D230: Street Light Sighs

Today was final exam day. The first in a year. I was into work early so I could get out early to get my head into the game. Just a couple of hours before my exam to pull myself out of work and back into my school world. There was much to cover over the past couple of days and I wasn’t sure if I was ready.

Those that know me, know that I am a perfectionist. Doing my best isn’t good enough. I don’t want to do well or good. I want to have great results. I want to exceed. Being great, for me, takes dedication and work. Believe me, I’ve tried to lessen my expectations (for my own sanity!), but it isn’t easy for me. For me, I’m willing to put in the time and energy as it makes me feel like I have accomplished something.

Of course on the other side of that coin is the pain that comes with not doing so great. That’s what happened for my midterm in this course. Not so great. It was fine though (in the bigger picture of things) and it was slightly above average. (I know, I know, what am I complaining about right?) But that’s not good enough, so I push even harder to try and ensure that my final exam picks up the slack.

But, here’s the kicker, I don’t like tests and exams. I actually get quite nervous about them. So, to deal, I put my blinders on. I focus only on the goal at hand and I end up a bunch of racing nerves by the time I sit down to write my exam.

Top all that off with this: Tonight, getting to my exam was a challenge as traffic was slower than I had anticipated. (Ramping up the anxiety of being late!) Then as I pulled into my typical parking garage, with 20 minutes to spare (not so late after all!) I realize that the parking attendant is changing the paper on the machine to let us in. I’m now trapped in a line of cars trying to park underground. Three songs on the radio go by. I’m actively calming my nerves and talking myself down. It’s okay if I show up 5-10 minutes before we start. Sure it is. (NO! Not really!) And then we finally start to move. I’m parked and getting out of the car with only 10 minutes to spare before my exam begins.

I boot it from my car and bound up the stairs and burst through the doors outside. As I’m rushing down the path to my classroom, the street light beside me sighs into life. In the time that it took me to walk to it and pass it, it was fully lit, but it was slow to light and in those brief seconds I slowed, I noted the light turning on as I passed it AND I SMILED.

And I took a breath. I walked a less urgently to my class after that moment. I wasn’t late in the end, not even after slowing my pace. I breathed a little easier after that moment and felt a lot more centred and ready for my exam.

Strange how it’s the little things that can make such an impact!

And for those of you curious about the exam - well, I think it was okay. It seemed tricky in places (as I expected), but I’m sure I did okay. Is that enough? I won’t know until 3-4 weeks from now. I’m just happy to have another course completed.

Moments of raw nerves and anxiety melting away with a sigh.

Moments to be centred.