Today was final exam day. The first in a year. I was into work early so I could get out early to get my head into the game. Just a couple of hours before my exam to pull myself out of work and back into my school world. There was much to cover over the past couple of days and I wasn’t sure if I was ready.
Those that know me, know that I am a perfectionist. Doing my best isn’t good enough. I don’t want to do well or good. I want to have great results. I want to exceed. Being great, for me, takes dedication and work. Believe me, I’ve tried to lessen my expectations (for my own sanity!), but it isn’t easy for me. For me, I’m willing to put in the time and energy as it makes me feel like I have accomplished something.
Of course on the other side of that coin is the pain that comes with not doing so great. That’s what happened for my midterm in this course. Not so great. It was fine though (in the bigger picture of things) and it was slightly above average. (I know, I know, what am I complaining about right?) But that’s not good enough, so I push even harder to try and ensure that my final exam picks up the slack.
But, here’s the kicker, I don’t like tests and exams. I actually get quite nervous about them. So, to deal, I put my blinders on. I focus only on the goal at hand and I end up a bunch of racing nerves by the time I sit down to write my exam.
Top all that off with this: Tonight, getting to my exam was a challenge as traffic was slower than I had anticipated. (Ramping up the anxiety of being late!) Then as I pulled into my typical parking garage, with 20 minutes to spare (not so late after all!) I realize that the parking attendant is changing the paper on the machine to let us in. I’m now trapped in a line of cars trying to park underground. Three songs on the radio go by. I’m actively calming my nerves and talking myself down. It’s okay if I show up 5-10 minutes before we start. Sure it is. (NO! Not really!) And then we finally start to move. I’m parked and getting out of the car with only 10 minutes to spare before my exam begins.
I boot it from my car and bound up the stairs and burst through the doors outside. As I’m rushing down the path to my classroom, the street light beside me sighs into life. In the time that it took me to walk to it and pass it, it was fully lit, but it was slow to light and in those brief seconds I slowed, I noted the light turning on as I passed it AND I SMILED.
And I took a breath. I walked a less urgently to my class after that moment. I wasn’t late in the end, not even after slowing my pace. I breathed a little easier after that moment and felt a lot more centred and ready for my exam.
Strange how it’s the little things that can make such an impact!
And for those of you curious about the exam - well, I think it was okay. It seemed tricky in places (as I expected), but I’m sure I did okay. Is that enough? I won’t know until 3-4 weeks from now. I’m just happy to have another course completed.
Moments of raw nerves and anxiety melting away with a sigh.
Moments to be centred.
No comments:
Post a Comment