Moments D709: Resilience

Today's moment is inspired by BFF, for today seemed to be a breakthrough day for her.  As her friend, it's been hard to watch her struggle with all that life has thrown at her over the past year plus.  From work challenges, to physical challenges (and disappointments) to silly and sometimes complicated personal challenges from friends, family and co-workers;  quite simply she has run the gauntlet.

It hasn't been easy.  It wasn't always run with a smile on her face or a warmth in her heart, but as compelling as the draw of the dark pit can be, she managed to side-step the pit and walk forward, through the gauntlet with dignity every step of the way.

And today, TODAY was the first day where I the depth of the sunshine in her words.  Today, BFF completed another big step forward on her path to recovery.  She was lit up.  Cautious, but filled with light again.  I can see that she is starting to believe that she is on the path to better days.

And that, is a most beautiful moment indeed.

Moments having pride for your friend's hard work.

Moments knowing that today your friend is in a brighter place.

Moments D651: White Daemons

Today I created my own mythical creature. White daemons.   Why not?  I'm creative.  I like to think out of the box from time-to-time and today I needed some help.

Now, I know most think of angels fighting demons.  Partially to be different (and admittedly less religious, though I suppose that could be debated) and partially to have a mythical creature that had a lot more positive oomph, I created white daemons.  

Without further adieu, please allow me to introduce you to white daemons:

a divinity or supernatural being filled with the power of light and love.  A creature borne with the essence of spirit and human with the ability to fight their dark daemon/demon cousins with the positive power of their light and love.  

The way I see it, these light filled white daemons are much better able to fight the darkness of their cousins (demons) than angels. Borne from the same family, the yang to the yin, white daemons know the intimate secrets and fears of dark demons.  Oh yes, demons do indeed have fears!  This is a white daemon's secret weapon along with the fact that white daemons will grow stronger the more you feed them.  Their nourishment comes from you - your positive energy.  The more strength they have, the better able they are to shield you from the torment of your dark demons.  Not only will your white daemon act as protector to you from the very beginning, your white daemon will grow ever stronger as you continue feed it your confidence in its ability to torment your tormentor.  Circular? You bet.  The inverse is true as well.  (let's not invoke that!)  Feel it.  Feed it.  Believe it.  

Simple, right?

From that perspective, today I decided that the key is to consciously create a white daemon for every dark demon encountered within.  I liked the visual of my white daemons kicking some serious ass of my dark demons.  And, you know what else?  It is actually quite simple to create a white daemon.  All it requires is awareness and a moment to stop and create a positive energy to counter whatever negative energy torments you.

Many people do this naturally.  Others, at times, struggle to do so.  Others yet fail to ever protect themselves from negative energy. Today, I was inspired to create a manifestation of this process because sometimes seeing your light fight your darkness can be as powerful as other visualization techniques.  Why not visualize my light (white daemons) beating out the dark (demons)?  

Here's my example:  

Fear of abandonment.  Oh, dark demon of mine, I will not purposefully feed you any more negative energy.  No, no!  I may fear you and be tormented by you, but watch out!  Today, today, I create my white daemon to counter you:  I will not be abandoned.  I am surrounded by love and light.  The love and light of my family.  The love and light of my dearest and truest friends.   In times of this fear being activated, dear white daemon, I will look to you to shield me from this tormentor and his pull.  White daemon, I fill you with light and love to protect me from this fear and allow me to grow away from this old demon. 

In my opinion, if you need to build a little white daemon army to fight your dark demons, so be it.  Let them help you fight your dark demons.  Visualize your white daemons winning.  Feed them.  Believe in them.  

You are not alone.  You are never alone.  

Moments being (crazy) creative.

Moments realizing just how deep this could go.

Moments D624: Words create your story

This morning I had one of my new skydiver friends reach out and share an article with me, that speaks to creating your story and how to better remember our post allowing for a happier tomorrow.

Brilliant really.  Life really is all about perspective.

Words definitely create your story.  It's why I've written about them in a few blog posts.  It's why I continue to write my blog.  She and I had a good discussion on it, and I started my day with a glow.

The rest of my day, unfortunately, was filled with miscommunicated words on a few levels, it was good to go back and revisit the conversation I had this morning about sharing words.  It really is the perfect moment to share about today.

Today was a reminder that sometimes words are not received as they were meant to.  Sometimes words don't quite cut it and sometimes even the simplest of words cut deeply.  It's all about perspective and understanding how to edit for a better ending.

I'm getting better at that.  Sharing my words and being less afraid to verbalize my words (after all I'm a writer, not a speaker!) are all starting to bring to light another side of me.

While I would have called myself aware in the past, I feel I'm even more aware today.  And as I reflect upon today's moment, I realize that creating my story has brought me that depth of awareness.

So, today's moment?  Celebrating words because even though sometimes they can mess things up, they also bring much joy and depth into my life.

Moments sharing thoughts and ideas with a new friend.

Moments to remind that even when words get dark, digging into the corners of one's mind is a good thing to process through.

Moments D592: Holiday warm fuzzies

Today was an intense day with much to accomplish before the weekend arrived. My moment today surprised me, as many do.

It came from an early Christmas card from Mr. B. His words are always filled with depth, even if there are only few to be had. His holiday wishes were warm and heartfelt and I beamed when I read them. Yes, definitely the best moment of my busy day.

Moments to take pause in a hectic day to appreciate another's words. 

Moments when my heart fills with light and loving energy because I paused. Beautiful.

Moments D590: Mirrors and Reflections

Today's energy was surreal.  I don't know what's going on out there, but it sure has been interesting.    My moment today stems from an on going shift in my life and before I share the moment, I must share a bit of background story, so bear with me.

You may recall that I've been dealing with a crumbling friendship.  It hasn't been easy and I've had to dig deep to find the strength to stay true to myself.  I don't know what I did to deserve the angry (at times vicious) onslaught of words.  I know they were chosen to cut deeply because my "friend" was angry at me for expecting a discussion over an apology.  Attacking because I expressed that I haven't felt valued in our friendship.   None of it makes sense to me, but I suppose it doesn't need to.

What I do know, is that the subsequent apology to those vicious words was lacking a sense of true contrition.  It fell short and I didn't/don't know what to do with it because, in the end, I'm still not feeling valued.

And that doesn't work for me.

The past two years, I have been on a mission to surround myself with people that value me.  People that respect me, my words and my needs.  It's been a painful shift (most change is!), but it's been eye opening.

Today, on Facebook I shared a lovely thought that my ex-aunt-in-law shared with me.  (Yes, that's right, my ex-husband's aunt emailed me.) I was touched that she had reached out to share it with me.  Her timing was brilliant given the personal drama I've been trying to shake.  The sentiment was this:

There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life getting back up is living."

Quote: "Today may there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Not only was I touched that this was shared with me, I was further touched at the responses received by sharing it forward.

What happened was soul warming.  I had a friend of a friend reach out and share with me that she too had recently gone through a similar friend-breakup.  Today because of this share and because of our brief discussion, I find my moment as she lifted the mirror to me and caused me to reflect and, ultimately, share again as my day's moment.  In her words:

Thank you. The feelings that I was experiencing earlier... well, they came, and now I have let them go! I wish for both of us to release all of the hurt and be free to remember the good times. I actually feel like I have turned the corner on it just today - that I am really ready to just let it go. This conversation with you seemed to be the final piece that got me there, so, again, I thank you. 

Wow.  I was incredibly touched by those words.  In sharing, not only did I help this friend of a friend move on, I found I had dug a little deeper within and reminded myself that I have amazing people orbiting me.  I needed that mirror today because my own resolve on this crumbling relationship was shaky.   My innate desire is to explain so that we can keep working on our friendship.  But I know she's moved on, without the awareness that I need.  And I deserve people who are aware in my life.

Small steps forward.

It helps to be surrounded by such beauty.

Moments reflecting about shifting relationships.

Moments paying attention when the mirror is held up to me.

Moments D584: Giving Thanks

Today was a challenging day for me on many levels.  First of all, it was an extra long work day as I had an event today.  It was an emotional day as I dealt with the final stages of letting go of a friendship.  And it was an emotional day because my love was 3000+ miles away and feeling lonely on one of the biggest holidays in the states.

So very, very challenging.

When I was on my way home and I was asked to Skype into the Thanksgiving festivities in SoCal.   I was tired from a 13 hour work day, but I couldn't say no to EQ.  Besides, it warmed my heart to hear that my new friends from SoCal wanted to connect with me too.   But, before I go any further and share my moment of today, let me take the time to introduce a couple of  my new SoCal friends.

Sunshine-Unicorns&Rainbows (SUR) is an incredible woman, filled with a bubbling energy and positive outlook on life.  She also happens to love unicorns....and rainbows.....and sparkly shit.  I have no doubt that as we get to know one another more and more, she and I will become close friends.  She is married to:

Say-it-like-it-is (SILIS) is a  warm, witty and shoot-from-the-hip kinda guy.  Honestly, he says it like it is.   No shit.    He also loves food.  (hmmmm.  I love food....)  He and Sunshine-Unicorns&Rainbows are such a fun couple to have in my circle.  The love between them is obvious and they are so filled with laughter and positive energy!

The other couple at dinner, I've met but not had a lot of time to get to know just yet, so I'm not ready to give them nicknames.  (It wouldn't be fair!)  Suffice it to say, that T&T are going to be a ton of fun.  From what I saw tonight, they too are a fun loving couple.  Bottom line, I was laughing and smiling so hard tonight because of the group dynamics.  If I were there in person?  Boy-oh-boy would there be trouble!

Back to the story of today's moment.

My love felt like a fifth wheel and was quite excited to have me home and dialling in.  Me, I was worried I wouldn't have enough energy to share with the excited group of friends.

And then my moment of the day hit me.  Once connected EQ walked me around the room to show me where everyone was sitting, I found myself excited by their chatter, banter and side conversations.  There were quips and digs, and even a random hug in the background.  It was perfect.  The light and love that came pouring through from SUR, SILIS, T&T and EQ filled me with a third wind.

As we settled down, the first thing they had me do was pour myself a drink and then share with them what I was thankful for.  

(Nothing like being put on the spot!)

But honestly, that's easy for me.  I'm ever grateful for the family I have.  Not only my blood family (but I am very fortunate to have the blood family I do), but I'm also grateful for those family members born of friends pulled into my deepest inner circles.  I know I am lucky to have such a strong support system around me.  Most of all, I am fortunate to have ever found EQ.  How in the universe did we manage to find one another?    He's rocked my world and I will never be the same now that I've had him in my life.

And in the end, I stayed online with them for over an hour.  We shared stories of love and engagement. Stories of silly rumours and how two very strong, independent women became fast friends in spite of the rumours.  I watched as they poured more drinks and continued with the banter.   And, in the end when I hit my wall of exhaustion and I couldn't simply holdout any longer they were all very warm with their goodbyes and sharing that they were looking forward to my arrival in SoCal next month.

Yes.  My heart was warm from tonight's Skype with new friends in SoCal.  Great idea EQ.

As I reflect now upon the evening and in the vein of giving thanks, I can't help but circle back to how fortunate I am to have an amazing man like EQ in my life and for him to have introduced me into a new circle of friends.  They are amazing people.

Moments pushing past the exhaustion.

Moments pausing to give thanks and enjoying the ample light and love flowing from holiday celebrations.

Moments D560: When to push, when to pull

Today's moment is a reflection of boundaries within relationships. The musing that follows is inspired by the fact that this evening I pushed a boundary of EQ's. It was necessary as we hit a strange impasse. This moment, added to the fact that a few of my close relationships have, in the past couple of months, seriously pushed my boundaries, has me reflecting.

Boundaries. When is it okay to push? When should one give space?

Boundaries. When do you grab on tighter? When is it time to let go?

These are not easy questions to answer. Why? Because each relationship is delicate. Each is important to me as I love my people.  In the end, every situation is unique and can, in the long run, affect those delicate relationships. The mere process of analyzing options to dealing with boundaries can be exhausting and, at times, overwhelming.

Often my boundaries are infringed upon, and, for the most part, I allow it, it is my own choice.  This process is further complicated by who I am. I am a bringer of light. The people closest to me have cautioned me of these infringements in the past.  I have always listened with an open mind and heart, but I believe that we all have the potential to be better loving people given enough time, communication and love. Call me naive, but I do. It can be exhausting if there is no energy returned. Today I am ever more aware of this and I've been reacting and growing because of it. I no longer want to own the disappointment or frustration that comes with having my boundaries crossed.  I am going to own my boundaries and allow others to own their actions and choices.  

I know.  It's a heavy moment today.  It's been inspired by odd, head-scratching situations that have cropped up because of serious shifts in energy and by gentle reminders from EQ.  And because of a shared crossed boundary tonight with EQ (and a subsequent discussion about it), I find myself thinking about relationship boundaries. 

What I have come up with is this:  I have been seriously pushing back at relationship boundaries these past couple of months because I believe I have begun to value my own boundaries with a more conscious perspective. It's partially because I have come to a point in my life where I am more aware of others absorbing my light and not mirroring it back. It's also partially EQ's fault, in a good way, because he's easily mirroring back the energy I give him.  In fact, there are times where I feel I am in a deficit situation to him, instead of the role I'm more used to (and comfortable with) of being "owed".  Today, I find myself questioning the silence, the lack of chase, for me and my friendship. So, instead of me chasing and trying to push and fix, as I normally do, I have decided to let go and see just what value I have in those relationships.

After all, as the saying goes:

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were. ~Richard Bach

Moments enjoying the push and pull of relationships.

Moments reasoning with oneself on life choices. 

Moments D551: Poppy Time

Today I bought my first poppy of the season.  I know it's early, but I don't care.  I even bought a fancy poppy last year too, so I really didn't need to buy a poppy.  AND, I also have a poppy stabbed into the ceiling of my car as I feel we should be remembering those who fought for our freedoms everyday.  With the poppy above my head every day, I definitely have that daily reminder.  I just wanted to show my support.

Why the connection?  I suppose it's because my grandfather was a vet.  He never spoke of what he saw or what he had to deal with.  Not even on his death bed did he share his experience.  (My mother, nursing at his side until he passed, tried many times and ways to gather some information of his experience, if only to document his life fully.)

Needless to say, what we do know, is that it was traumatic and something he was unable to verbalize.

I've known this about my grandfather my entire life.  He fought in the war, then he came home and was, for the most part, an unhappy man.  I know that's highly simplified, but as a child, that is all I ever learned.  What I felt, was, that he was always distant to me.  Lost perhaps.

And because of what he suffered (after the war, back home), because I grew up not really ever knowing my grandfather due to his walls, I've always been sensitive to Remembrance Day.  This year, I smiled when I saw the volunteer selling poppies.  Let the remembering begin a little earlier.  Why not!?

As I pinned my first poppy of the season to my jacket (I always lose them!), I couldn't help thinking back to my grandfather's funeral years ago.  He had a legion funeral and his casket was covered in the bright red flower.  It was a beautiful sight to watch men in uniform salute a man I barely knew, who I called grandpa.  It was a bittersweet moment as I found myself filled with pride for his commitment, but also filled with such a depth of sadness knowing that he was never able to leave the past in the past.

Random share:  here he is with my grandma on their wedding day; just before he left to fight in the war:

The pinning of the poppy also also reminded me that we all have our own dark moments and darkness to overcome.  We have a choice, we can either let the darkness consume us, or we can walk through the darkness.

I will always (I hope!) walk through the darkness, for I never want to find myself lost, cold and distant.
Does that mean I will always be in the light?  No.  Not at all.  But I will fight to find it.  I will fight to walk a path of love and light because I do believe that walking in light and love is the only way to find peace.  Peace within and peace outside of self.

Moments remembering the war, its horrors and the people that suffered through it.

Moments remember that love and light are a path to peace.

Moments D541: Fuck being sad

Today I had an amazing lunch with a team mate of mine.  Chica has inspired me many times over the 1.5 years that I've know her.  She is simply a breath of fresh, joyful, bright air.  She's also 12 years younger than I am, and yet, in many ways, her life experience has made her much more self-aware and grounded than I.   Chica is simply a spitfire personality; a ball of energy.  Today's lunch was just another moment with her that left me a little awestruck with the depth that she offers outside of her boisterous ways.

As a total sidebar that ties back in:  Chica, strangely, she reminds me of a younger, wilder me.  I was never as wild as she, but her energy and "joie de vivre" vibrates on a level that I sometimes forget lives within me.  When she and I catch up, it's like slipping on an old set of boots that fit you perfectly from years of wear.  Feeling her energy reminds me of a historical me.

Today's catch over lunch was an incredible moment and one that I won't soon forget.  Why?  Well, Chica reminded me of the bigger picture in life.  It looks a bit like this:

First of all, there were screams.  (Yes.  Full on screams.)
Then a big deep genuine hug.
That was soon followed by a request for all the details.
Then there were tears.  Tears of genuine joy.

(insert lunch and other topics here)

Followed by intermittent yelps of glee.  Yes - The. Entire. Lunch.  Filled with intermittent yelps.

It was, simply, awesome.  It filled my heart with joy.

As we dug a little deeper into our catching up, Chica had some very mature, grounded advice:  "Fuck being sad, life is too short."

It was a light bulb moment, bringing me back to something Heini has shared with me. Like pieces clicking into place, my choice became clearer.

Why?  Because I know (and truly believe) that life is too short to be sad.  It's why I left a content, unfulfilling marriage.  It's why I work hard to make my team more efficient.  It's why I dig deep and communicate (a key to deep relationships).  Bottom line, this notion is very deep within me.  It's why I love to live every moment.  Chica captured that concisely with "Fuck being sad."

It had me thinking.

Bottom line, we all have choices.  They may be limited.  They may be shitty, but there is always a choice.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not all sparkles, rainbows and a bowl full of cherries.  I know that sparkles get lost in the darkness and the rainbows only come after the rain.  I also know that there are pits in the bowl of cherries but that won't stop me from eating them.  My point?  I can (and have) been swallowed into the darkness from time to time.  It happens.  We all find ourselves there.  But sometimes, the wallowing in self-pity gets out of control and (even though the words sound harsh) as Heini gently and lovingly says, "...get over yourself."  It may sound harsh, but it's true.  What's the point in wallowing.  Life is too short.  Choices can be made to find the light:  Find the tools.  Build the skills.  Lean on your support system.

And so, today, I'm going to stop wallowing and worrying as much as I have been.  I have too much going on in my own swirling life to further burden myself with the self-pity and sadness I've been carrying with me.  Bottom line:  I know change is difficult and scary and can tear relationships apart, but it can also build them stronger.  Perspective and digging deeper.

Today's moment was this light bulb moment with Chica over lunch which inspired a commitment to myself to move beyond the sadness that has clouded me for the past (near) week.  I have too much to be thankful for and to celebrate.  I have conquered some of my daemons in the past year.  I have found love, and revealed depth in friendships around me.  Acquaintances have surprised me and family has endlessly supported and loved me for all of me.  Each remind me that my happiness is important.  That I am important to them.  That I am loved by them and I can safely share my light, my love and my dreams with them without guilt or judgement.

Today, Chica reminded me to dig deeper within and be more true to myself when I find sadness creeping in. I may not be able to communicate well enough to change how people interact with me, but I can certainly change how I accept and interact with others.  We all have our own path to follow, and sometimes it is a dark path that lay ahead.  It's simply a path I refuse to walk with so much promise and love surrounding me. It is time for me to follow the bright, sparkly, rainbow covered path for my darkness has lifted and the storms have passed.

I know that those who really love me and support me, know that I'm girl who loves to yelp and scream and enjoy life large.  Not unlike my younger wilder team mate Chica.

So, my thanks to Chica for her bluntness.  I needed that slap in the face today.   She's right:  Fuck being sad, life is too short.

Moments reflecting over one's path.

Moments realizing that a choice must be made to dance in the light.

Moments D479: Motivation

Today's moment was inspired by motivation first thing this morning.  Throughout the day, this theme seemed to follow me.  And so, I'll share a few moments that came to me today based on motivation.

First thing this morning I pulled on my NEW  size 4 jeans.  Yup.  That's right.  Size 4.  Now, for some that may seem insignificant.  For me, it is kind of amazing considering 2.5 years ago I was busting out of size 12 jeans.   It was January 2011 that I decided that I wasn't care of my health and that something had to be done about it.  I was about 40lbs overweight, puffing after climbing two flights of stairs and incredibly unhappy.  I spent the next 3-4 months working very (very) hard to get myself back into shape.  I wasn't focused on shedding the weight, for me it was more about getting back into shape and being active.  It was about eating more healthy and less processed foods.  Both brought me to this point.  Now 2.5 years later I am training for Tough Mudder and I couldn't be more motivated for building my strength and maintaining my health.  Slipping into a size 4 jean this morning = great motivation to keep up the good (hard) work.

Later on today, I found myself cheering on Heini.  After a challenging week of work, she found herself feeling isolated and challenged to find the positive around her.  After a brief back and forth, she was feeling better, inspired and ready to tackle the last day of the week.  I love helping to pick-up my peeps and make them feel a little better.  When I hear that I've made a difference, it gives me ever more motivation to keep sharing my light and love.

Finally, my boyfriend had some challenging news come his way today too.  Instead of processing things in the same typical way, he decided to try a new approach, one inspired by our new relationship.  As he shared this with me, I was a overwhelmed by the feeling of purpose and of connection. Incredible.  Knowing that he soared through the news with a warmth in his heart, filled my own heart.    I find myself motivated to give more and share all that I can.  Isn't that really what life is about?  Sharing with those you love?

Today life is better having this sense of motivation floating around me.  It brings a sense of purpose.  A sense of direction. By investing time in yourself, and investing time in those you love, it all comes round again in the end.  Definitely worth the energy.

Moments celebrating milestones.

Moments sharing your light to help motivate others.

Moments D473: Silver Linings

Sometimes life is just nasty to you.  It's nothing that you've done to deserve the negative energy, but perhaps it's a moment where you weren't strong enough to shield yourself from it.  It happens.  We all fall down from time to time, get a little (and sometimes a lot) beaten up, and feel bloodied and bruised.

Recently one of our own suffered through a terrible ordeal on his birthday weekend.  I had texted him on his birthday (last Monday) and his reply was to share some details about this birthday nightmare.  He shared it with me and me alone.  When we arrived to the office on Tuesday, I shared the story briefly with our team and we quickly agreed that we should try to help out.  Given that this ray of light touches many lives in the company, we sent out the following email to the entire staff team:

Pardon the intrusion, but one of our own suffered through an ordeal this past weekend and my department would like to reach out and see if we can’t help ease the pain a bit.

Imagine it's your birthday weekend. You're ready to have an awesome time with your family. Food, drink, presents. The whole nine. Then, suddenly all of that joy is taken away in a heartbeat.

Our good friend Ray of Light experienced exactly that this past weekend, as a thief stole his wife's purse (containing a great deal of cash, credit cards and gifts) while she rode the streetcar. Never mind the financial inconvenience this caused - being victimized like that sure would put a damper on MY weekend plans, and I'm guessing they did the same to Ray of Light and his family.

What we are hoping for, is the generosity of the folks who see every day. Just to give what you can. We are not looking to replace any particular amount, but rather we want to show Ray of Light and his family that there is an opposite (and much stronger) side to their lousy experience. Hopefully they can use whatever funds we raise to have a nice dinner and drinks together - on us.

If you're interested in contributing, we will be collecting your donations till Friday at noon. Let us know you'd like to donate via email, as we'd like to make this a surprise for  Ray of Light.  We'll present him with whatever we collect shortly after that.

Please be aware that we are trying to make this a surprise, so please no sharing with him prematurely!!

Thanks to everyone for whatever you can spare.

Back to your regularly scheduled day.  :)

The response immediate.  The flood of support and the depth of love that it brought with it was inspiring. We've been collecting funds since Tuesday and today when we handed over the card and envelope there was over $1000 collected for Ray of Light.  A company full of incredibly generous people offering to line Ray of Light's dark cloud with a little (a LOT!) of silver.  From the executive team down to the warehouse, he is loved.

When Ray of Light realized what had happened it was like a dam opening.  We're living in tight quarters at the moment and I tried to give him enough space to process the flood.  I hugged him, told him that he was loved by many and quietly handed him the box of kleenex.  Twenty minutes later, composed enough, he shared these words back to the company:

To my team mates, my friends, my work family - words will not do justice, will not suffice to give meaning to how you have all touched my heart –how you have helped my family.

I am so overwhelmed by your kindness – and your thoughtfulness - I am beside myself – I would be more eloquent in thanking you – but I am crying too hard.

A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.

My heart is full of names - I love you all, I am in your debt, thank you, thank you.

He sent me a separate note, one that was just as heartfelt and touching:

Thank you most of all – one day I will find out what I did in my life to deserve a friend like you.

Ray of Light is a good man.  A man who has had quite a few hard knocks, and yet, he pushes forward, with a smile, with the ability to give more than he ever takes and he never, ever complains or asks for help. (Even when he should sometimes!)  The outpouring of love and support only goes to show just how many people's lives his beautiful energy has inspired.

It was a beautiful moment to see him soak in the energy reflected back to him today to watch the darkness lift and his storm cloud blown away.  As the rest of the day passed, I could feel him settling into the energy. Now Ray of Light will enjoy this weekend with his family (including visitors from out of town) without worrying about how he is going to afford to feed his extended family.

Ray of Light will left work with a full heart, a recharged soul and the understanding that while life can be nasty and break you down, there are loving people around that can help lift the burden and brighten the world around again.  He is not alone.

You are not alone.  Nor am I.

It's a story to share because many of us feel alone in times of trouble and don't always look past the darkness to realize that we have a support system.  This is a beautiful example of that.  It just takes a moment to share.

Moments watching the darkness lift and a heart swell.

Moments appreciating the beautiful people I work with.

Moments D468: Wounded Animal

In the wee hours of this morning, sitting in the fog of a day post-self-pity and self-flagellation I had a conversation that changed my life.

Sure.  I know how that sounds.  It sounds dramatic.  It sounds unbelievable.  Looking back, it feels like a dream, but I know, I KNOW, that it is real and I understand with more certainty than ever before just how beautiful digging deeper can be.  

The long and short of it is that this week wounded me.  I felt like a wounded animal, looking for a safe, dark place to hide while I heal.    Being wounded, I was off.  I had no light to shine and share.  I had no energy for laughter.  I wasn't my typically bubbly self.  And it was noticed.  My world noticed.

That in itself was a moment, because my world noticing pushed out extra love to me.  And for that I'm grateful.

More importantly, the man that I have fallen in love with noticed.  He shared ten small words packed with the protection of his love and light.   Packed.  Full.  My eyes instantly filled with tears when I read them.  A flood of intense, unexpected emotion ran through me in the brief moment that it took me to read these ten words. I realized, in a blink of an eye, that for the first time in my adult life, not only was I understood, I was being sheltered and given the space to do what I needed to do to heal.  It was one of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced.  It's like that moment where pieces all snap into place perfectly without a fuss; or that moment where the clouds part and the full moon, in all her glory, lights up the darkness below; it is that clear moment where you know you have been changed.  They are simple words, but their depth is beyond measure.

Lick your wounds, love
I'm standing over you
I understand.

I will never forget these words.  Never before has the wounded animal in me been calmed as quickly and as succinctly.  In ten words, I was accepted as my wounded self (it was okay!), I was protected (safe to share, safe to cry, safe to sit in silence) and I was understood (I didn't need to further explain and/or justify my actions/inaction!).

And in my fog, I had a celebration.  One that filled me with a light that began to burn the fog away.   Before I knew it, I was laughing again.  I wasn't quite ready to sprinkle my joyful fairy dust around again, but I was feeling better.   (Neither was I pooping rainbows and glitter, but that's another story!)

Moments accepting that you are wounded.

Moments being accepted that you are licking your wounds. 

Moments D465: Truth Sets you Free

We all have skeletons in the closet.  One's personal history is not always easy to revisit, but sometimes, a lot of time actually, it is vital to do so.  Being the person I am, one always looking to grow and evolve, I knew that I would have to share more about one particular skeleton than I ever wanted to.  In the end, today was a big growth day. It hurt, but it didn't break me. Sometimes growing hurts; I accept that.  Life is about the journey.  Without the pains of life, we have less capacity to enjoy the beauty of life.  I accept that Yin/Yang understanding of my world.  And so, without further preamble, today's moment is about sharing difficult, dark truths and leaning on those you love for the light they shine creating a pathway out of the dark.

________________________________________
I've been quiet the past few days because I had a bombed dropped in my lap this past week.  In a week that had too much on my plate to deal with, one of my skeletons rose its ugly, angry, abusive head.  And I had to deal with it.  I couldn't ignore it.  And though I reached out to one within my support system, I swore her to secrecy.  I then dealt with the situation as quickly as my jammed schedule would allow. I didn't share my struggle, my fear, or my shock with the rest of my support system.  Fear and shame held me hostage - I held it close to me and suffered through the coaster of emotions.  I hid from the world and more importantly I hid from those I loved.

Four days later, armed with some answers, I felt more confident (which does not mean I was confident, far from it!) to shed light into those dark recesses of my closet.  I wasn't sure I was ready to go into those corners, but I was aware that it was necessary.  Most importantly, being transparent with the man I love was necessary.  So, filled with shame, guilt, anger (for finding myself in this position in the first place) and a touch of fear, I filled in the support system I have in my life.  I really wasn't ready for the onslaught of love, light and support that I found enveloping me.

Those that love me were not happy with me for carrying this burden alone.  Their first reaction was to express their disappointment and anger for my decision to walk alone through this.  From coworkers to my best friends, the message was the same.  "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"  Amazingly (and maybe I shouldn't be amazed, as my friends are incredible people), their anger and disappointment quickly morphed to love and support.  Their gentle reminders, words of encouragement and understanding began to lift the dark cloud of fear for sharing such a dark truth.

I'm still processing the darkness.  As I sit in anger at myself, I know that I will need some time to forgive myself.  But, sharing this truth; sharing this darkness, has given me a new perspective on my past and a breath of light that I needed to help shed the darkness.  It's given me a new appreciation for that which I have learned.  I've been naive.  I've allowed myself to be used and manipulated.  I didn't hear (I listened!) to the warning signs from my best friends.  I had a path to walk and I walked it regardless of the warnings.  I had a lesson to learn.  I've learned.  My dear, loving friends.....I. HAVE. LEARNED.

Moments digging deeper than you ever want to go.

Moments sharing truth and leaning on your loved ones and knowing that you are surrounded in love and light.

Moments D240: The World has not Ended

This is no laughing matter! Today was supposed to be the end of the world as we know it. After all the Mayan calendar ends today. It was to mark the end of civilization. (Who said we were so damned civilized in the first place?) In the end, it’s just another Winter Solstice coming to pass.

I thought I should dedicate today’s blog to the world not ending. Why not right? It’s the talk of the day and it has forced many upon the earth to stop and reflect. This really isn’t a bad thing!

Of course I too took a moment to reflect and ponder my path. Had the world ended today, how would I feel? (Besides being dead of course!)

Overall, I think I’d be pretty content. I’ve managed to do quite well for myself. I’ve survived dark moments and been present for some of the best soul filling moments. I’ve learned and grown much over my years on the earth and I know I haven’t lost that passion or drive for life.

I’ve decided that I am pretty happy that I’m still here. I kinda like my life. I like knowing that I’ll have an opportunity to continue to grow, learn and love. I like knowing that my bucket list is still something I can work on. I like knowing I still have time to explore this beautiful world around us.

And so, as the clock/calendar is reset for another 5125 years I look forward to new experiences and adventures. I am thankful to all the beautiful people in my life. I am also thankful to those that challenge me too. We all need darkness to appreciate the light. As we head back into longer days, I send out light and love to all - may we all dig a little deeper!

Moments to be thankful.

Moments to reflect.

Moments D230: Street Light Sighs

Today was final exam day. The first in a year. I was into work early so I could get out early to get my head into the game. Just a couple of hours before my exam to pull myself out of work and back into my school world. There was much to cover over the past couple of days and I wasn’t sure if I was ready.

Those that know me, know that I am a perfectionist. Doing my best isn’t good enough. I don’t want to do well or good. I want to have great results. I want to exceed. Being great, for me, takes dedication and work. Believe me, I’ve tried to lessen my expectations (for my own sanity!), but it isn’t easy for me. For me, I’m willing to put in the time and energy as it makes me feel like I have accomplished something.

Of course on the other side of that coin is the pain that comes with not doing so great. That’s what happened for my midterm in this course. Not so great. It was fine though (in the bigger picture of things) and it was slightly above average. (I know, I know, what am I complaining about right?) But that’s not good enough, so I push even harder to try and ensure that my final exam picks up the slack.

But, here’s the kicker, I don’t like tests and exams. I actually get quite nervous about them. So, to deal, I put my blinders on. I focus only on the goal at hand and I end up a bunch of racing nerves by the time I sit down to write my exam.

Top all that off with this: Tonight, getting to my exam was a challenge as traffic was slower than I had anticipated. (Ramping up the anxiety of being late!) Then as I pulled into my typical parking garage, with 20 minutes to spare (not so late after all!) I realize that the parking attendant is changing the paper on the machine to let us in. I’m now trapped in a line of cars trying to park underground. Three songs on the radio go by. I’m actively calming my nerves and talking myself down. It’s okay if I show up 5-10 minutes before we start. Sure it is. (NO! Not really!) And then we finally start to move. I’m parked and getting out of the car with only 10 minutes to spare before my exam begins.

I boot it from my car and bound up the stairs and burst through the doors outside. As I’m rushing down the path to my classroom, the street light beside me sighs into life. In the time that it took me to walk to it and pass it, it was fully lit, but it was slow to light and in those brief seconds I slowed, I noted the light turning on as I passed it AND I SMILED.

And I took a breath. I walked a less urgently to my class after that moment. I wasn’t late in the end, not even after slowing my pace. I breathed a little easier after that moment and felt a lot more centred and ready for my exam.

Strange how it’s the little things that can make such an impact!

And for those of you curious about the exam - well, I think it was okay. It seemed tricky in places (as I expected), but I’m sure I did okay. Is that enough? I won’t know until 3-4 weeks from now. I’m just happy to have another course completed.

Moments of raw nerves and anxiety melting away with a sigh.

Moments to be centred.

Moments D167: Sharing love and energy

Today was a day of professional success for me which in and of itself is a wonderful moment, but it feels somewhat selfish for me to share that moment on a day when two friends of mine struggle with family health issues. Both serious. Both with family members (a father and a mother-in-law) who have been admitted into the ICU over the long weekend. Both situations make me stop and consider my own life and how fortunate I am that my father survived his ordeal last year at this time. They both remind me to be thankful for another year of time with my father. He is a beautiful soul and has taught me much over the years. I am so grateful that he survived.

Instead, today’s moment is about sharing my love and energy with these two individuals, and, hopefully by extension, their families.

My friend’s friend’s father (for I have only recently had her come into my circle) has ALS (more commonly known at Lou Gehrig’s disease). In May, he found the strength to travel to Bahamas to see his daughter wed. I’ve seen the video. You can see the pride and joy in his eyes. This coming weekend his daughters and their friends run the Toronto Waterfront Marathon in his honour and to raise funds for the ALS Society of Canada. His condition has deteriorated quickly since last week. This family is in their darkest hours as they sit and wait.

I sent this new friend of mine a brief note via email. I never knew if or when she’d receive it, but I had hoped it would give her a breath of light in her time of darkness. She replied late today thanking me. I can only hope that my simple words have offered some solace; some moment of pause in the pain.

My other friend is a dear long term friend. (So long we are like family really!) Her mother-in-law was also admitted over the long weekend. A terrible case of gall stones and pancreatitis. As old as she is, she’s started to recover, even though she was on life support only a day ago. With every update, it seems MIL is improving steadily. A different outcome, sure, but no less painful for the family as they waited through the dark days of the weekend. Again I sent a message filled with love and energy to my dear friend - I also sent some love to her husband (a gent I know well!). I know she will absorb it and share it doubly with her husband and his Mother. I can know that this sharing of love and energy will help to penetrate the darkness they are in. I know they will amplify all of the energy they are receiving from many around them and put it too good use. It’s all I can do to stop and think of them as often as I can and send them a bit more.

So today’s moment: Share your love and energy. Why wait for something tragic to happen. There is much darkness around us every day. How easy is it to breathe light into it?

Moments outside yourself.

Moments of love, light and energy.

Moments D156: Shared Words

Today was another challenging day. But it started off with a few moments that stopped to make me smile. Today was one of those days I wish I could have skipped over. Even so, it was a day of multiple moments! I find it humourous how how the energies around me work sometimes. The darkness tries to creep in and I feel the energies I’ve shared out being reflected back. I am thankful for this.

My first moment today was as I was driving into work. The songs that came over the airwaves surrounded me with words of encouragement and impudence. While filling with these words and energy I watched the streetlights as drove I passed them.

This is something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. Every once in awhile, a streetlight turns on (or off) as I pass it. It’s a silly game I play with myself, but it always makes me feel a little special that when I pass a streetlight it turns on.

This happened to me today on my drive into work. It automatically brought a smile to my face.

The second moment today was when I was asked about why people read my blog. Hell, I don’t know. I ramble. I haven’t much to say other than silly moments to share. I had to think about it. My answer was simple: People find it inspiring. Maybe not all of my words, hell, maybe not even a lot of my words. But every once in awhile I connect. And for me, and for those reading, that’s what it’s all about - isn’t it?

And, as if to prove my point, today I received a text from a baseball teammate letting me into his world for a brief moment. I had inspired him to stop and look at the sky. To stop and enjoy the early morning sky. He put all the other “STUFF” aside so he could be one with the sky.

Finally on my way hour drive to my new volleyball league I was surprised by not one, but two phones call encouraging me to be the best I can be tonight. I am thankful for the people in my life.

I love when the pieces fall together. A challenging day, but I am surrounded with smiles and moments. A challenging day and yet what I’ve reflected out has come back to me.

And so, as my colleague struggles with the pains of life and death, I shared my love and energy with him. In my world, this is what it is all about. People. Sharing energy, light and love.

Moments for words.

Moments for thoughts.

Moments to share.

Moments D154: Sharing Love & Light

Today was a roller coaster emotionally for me. I spent two hours of my day waiting for my Doctor who was running late. Once I finally met with her, I find out that my appointment was (for all intents and purposes) a waste of time. No need for blood work, no need to worry. We’ll do all that at my physical in the new year.

This lost time did not make things easy for me at work. I am behind (again) on planning. I hate being behind. I am proactive person. I like to plan and I like to be ahead of the game. There is simply too much on my plate here and I am always running behind. I’m tired of this feeling and frustrated. I try to pull positive energy from where I can to combat this.

Later in the day, the news was on the other end of the scale. I made the competitive women’s league. I was ECSTATIC and shared the news with all who cared. The love and support that came back billowed my spirits. My people. I LOVE my people. Good caring souls. I am a fortunate person to have so many in my life.

But this wasn’t this moment that made my soul smile (as good as it was). It was the moment where I reached out to a friend in need. You see, his father isn’t well and he is many miles away. My friend’s heart and soul is aching from the situation. I sent him a simple text message. His reply made me smile and I knew that for one very brief moment he felt a little better.

Later in the day, a co-worker had to leave work because his ailing mother had been admitted to the hospital with organ failure. He had emailed me to let me know so I could inform the others. I immediately got up from my desk and went into his office and put my arms out for a hug. He was resistant, he said he hadn’t been feeling well and didn’t want to spread the cold. I rebuffed him. No way. I am giving you a hug man. Cold be damned.

I could feel him absorb that moment. And for me, THIS is what life is about. All those little things that we worry about, all the big things that stress us out; bottom line it’s about people and taking care of each other.

Later yet in my evening, I had another friend reach out for my energy. At this point, I was exhausted from my day, but I dug deep and found reserves for him. Because people matter. Having the people in your life know how much they are loved matters.

Moments of sharing your love and light.

Moments with people.

Moments D107a: Love & Light

First, I must share the fact that today I was surrounded by love & light. Surrounded by the love and support of friends, new and old. Right from the start of my day, I had positive words. It was a beautiful day in that regard. As the day wore on, it became a day of digging deep, of sharing secrets, of, well, digging even more deeper. It’s been exhausting, it’s been amazing, it’s been comforting, it’s been eyeopening and it’s all because of the beautiful people/energy in my life. So many words shared. So many insights and positive energy. I am so incredibly fortunate to share their energy. Further, I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by this energy which helped to shield me from the smattering of unexpected dark words and energy that burdened me later today.

For these beautiful people, I am thankful. For the reminders. For the tough love, for the beautiful compliments, and for sharing their love and light with me. I am thankful for my support system and I could not let this entry go without sharing that thought.

But today’s special “smile” moment was less heavy and more about a moment with self.

We should all be so fortunate!

Moments D83: Just say it

Today I was given a bunch of words from a friend that were completely unexpected or provoked.

They were so kind. So heartfelt and warm. They, quite simply, made my day.

So, today’s moment: just say it. Tell someone how much you appreciate them; how much you respect them. Tell them how much you love them or how much they mean to you. Tell them how caring or brilliant they are.

Let them know, TODAY how much light they bring to you.

Moments: Share the light.