Moments D549: Inner Strength and Staying True

Today proved to be an interesting day in an unexpected way. My moment found me choosing a new path. One that I am uncomfortable with and often avoid. A path that forced me to find my inner strength and to stay true to myself.

Let me take a step back: Those who know me well, would say that I have a compassionate heart and I often take on ownership of others actions or emotions when I shouldn't. Last year, I would have agreed to the compassionate heart part and vehemently disagreed with the ownership of others actions and emotions. In the past few months, I have learned otherwise. Life is a journey. Mine is no different.

Over the past months, I've had many a dear friend remind me that I cannot own the actions or emotions of others in my life. There have been times (too many honestly), in this past year (or so), that I often owned the emotions of others, much to the detriment of my own emotional needs. The need for loyalty, the desire to spread love and light, the belief that eventually my needs will be met have all shackled me to this bad habit of owning others' emotions and actions. Not only have I, in the past, bent beyond my comfort zone to accommodate, I have trampled upon my own emotional needs to give to others. (I'm sure we've all done it from time to time, but according to my friends, it's a bad habit of mine!) Being that person comes at a steep personal cost. I have learned to recognize the pattern now and knowing is, as G.I. Joe says, "....half the battle".

Seriously though, awareness is the first step. The second is knowing that I am surrounded by others who love me and who continue to remind me of my value: That my needs matter. My loving support system has started to teach me that I can be compassionate and remain more true to myself. I am growing and learning this lesson: My feelings and needs matter and sometimes it really is (and needs to be) about me.

(Oddly, it feels weird to write out that sentence. It feels even more strange to re-read it. It makes me feel selfish!)

I am but a mere student. Hopefully, with practice, like anything, I will get better at staying true to myself and believing that it's not selfish but necessary for my own evolution and sanity.

Today, was one of those days. It was a big learning opportunity for me. A very big step forward on my quest of an evolving self.

Today I found myself juggling my needs against those of a friend. It was uncomfortable at best. This is not the play that I auditioned for. My version of the act was much different. I toiled with it. I simply hate to see others in pain, and I am sorry that there is pain, but this time, this situation crossed a very dark line for me. I simply could not accept any blame for this situation. It also became quickly apparent that I needed more, not accusations and deflection. As I dealt with the situation, I found myself travelling down a path less travelled.

As I travelled the path, I carefully moved rocks and debris out of the way to better navigate my way. In other words, I insisted upon looking under the rocks and trying to find the core of the situation. I may have failed at that bigger picture revelation, but I do feel I had a win on a personal level. Instead of swaying to the angry words shared with me and believing that it was my fault, I paused and reflected. I did not own this. I would not allow myself to own this.

As I searched for my inner strength and voice to share my own needs and feelings, I had Heini's words "...you deserve to be cherished..." repeating in my head. Chica's incredibly simple notion of "Fuck being Sad" was reverberating in me and I could feel EQ's strength holding me strong against the blows I felt. Then there was all the love and positive energy of the week past from new and old friends alike shoring me up for the words that managed to flow from me.

And when I was done sharing, I realized that I had taken one giant step forward in my evolution. I found a deep inner strength and I stayed true to my emotions. I was compassionate, but I didn't accept any unnecessary blame. It was not easy for me. I felt selfish and cold to my friend's needs, but sometimes, as others often remind me, sometimes it really is, and should be, about me. Life is a journey and mine is no different; I am learning. Thank you my dear friends, for I wouldn't have learned that lesson without your guidance.

Moments digging deep for inner strength to follow the path less travelled.

Moments realizing that this path is leading toward a brighter, better version of me.

Moments D465: Truth Sets you Free

We all have skeletons in the closet.  One's personal history is not always easy to revisit, but sometimes, a lot of time actually, it is vital to do so.  Being the person I am, one always looking to grow and evolve, I knew that I would have to share more about one particular skeleton than I ever wanted to.  In the end, today was a big growth day. It hurt, but it didn't break me. Sometimes growing hurts; I accept that.  Life is about the journey.  Without the pains of life, we have less capacity to enjoy the beauty of life.  I accept that Yin/Yang understanding of my world.  And so, without further preamble, today's moment is about sharing difficult, dark truths and leaning on those you love for the light they shine creating a pathway out of the dark.

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I've been quiet the past few days because I had a bombed dropped in my lap this past week.  In a week that had too much on my plate to deal with, one of my skeletons rose its ugly, angry, abusive head.  And I had to deal with it.  I couldn't ignore it.  And though I reached out to one within my support system, I swore her to secrecy.  I then dealt with the situation as quickly as my jammed schedule would allow. I didn't share my struggle, my fear, or my shock with the rest of my support system.  Fear and shame held me hostage - I held it close to me and suffered through the coaster of emotions.  I hid from the world and more importantly I hid from those I loved.

Four days later, armed with some answers, I felt more confident (which does not mean I was confident, far from it!) to shed light into those dark recesses of my closet.  I wasn't sure I was ready to go into those corners, but I was aware that it was necessary.  Most importantly, being transparent with the man I love was necessary.  So, filled with shame, guilt, anger (for finding myself in this position in the first place) and a touch of fear, I filled in the support system I have in my life.  I really wasn't ready for the onslaught of love, light and support that I found enveloping me.

Those that love me were not happy with me for carrying this burden alone.  Their first reaction was to express their disappointment and anger for my decision to walk alone through this.  From coworkers to my best friends, the message was the same.  "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"  Amazingly (and maybe I shouldn't be amazed, as my friends are incredible people), their anger and disappointment quickly morphed to love and support.  Their gentle reminders, words of encouragement and understanding began to lift the dark cloud of fear for sharing such a dark truth.

I'm still processing the darkness.  As I sit in anger at myself, I know that I will need some time to forgive myself.  But, sharing this truth; sharing this darkness, has given me a new perspective on my past and a breath of light that I needed to help shed the darkness.  It's given me a new appreciation for that which I have learned.  I've been naive.  I've allowed myself to be used and manipulated.  I didn't hear (I listened!) to the warning signs from my best friends.  I had a path to walk and I walked it regardless of the warnings.  I had a lesson to learn.  I've learned.  My dear, loving friends.....I. HAVE. LEARNED.

Moments digging deeper than you ever want to go.

Moments sharing truth and leaning on your loved ones and knowing that you are surrounded in love and light.

Moments D86: Find your voice

Today’s moment was about finding my voice. Sometimes I’m too sensitive to other people’s needs and emotions. Sometimes I allow my boundaries to be crossed without sharing how that makes me feel. So today, I found my voice. I said what I needed to say.

SO: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t be mean when saying it.

Moments of being true.

Moments of finding YOUR truth.

Moments of finding your voice.

#moments #truth #voice #self