Moments D551: Poppy Time

Today I bought my first poppy of the season.  I know it's early, but I don't care.  I even bought a fancy poppy last year too, so I really didn't need to buy a poppy.  AND, I also have a poppy stabbed into the ceiling of my car as I feel we should be remembering those who fought for our freedoms everyday.  With the poppy above my head every day, I definitely have that daily reminder.  I just wanted to show my support.

Why the connection?  I suppose it's because my grandfather was a vet.  He never spoke of what he saw or what he had to deal with.  Not even on his death bed did he share his experience.  (My mother, nursing at his side until he passed, tried many times and ways to gather some information of his experience, if only to document his life fully.)

Needless to say, what we do know, is that it was traumatic and something he was unable to verbalize.

I've known this about my grandfather my entire life.  He fought in the war, then he came home and was, for the most part, an unhappy man.  I know that's highly simplified, but as a child, that is all I ever learned.  What I felt, was, that he was always distant to me.  Lost perhaps.

And because of what he suffered (after the war, back home), because I grew up not really ever knowing my grandfather due to his walls, I've always been sensitive to Remembrance Day.  This year, I smiled when I saw the volunteer selling poppies.  Let the remembering begin a little earlier.  Why not!?

As I pinned my first poppy of the season to my jacket (I always lose them!), I couldn't help thinking back to my grandfather's funeral years ago.  He had a legion funeral and his casket was covered in the bright red flower.  It was a beautiful sight to watch men in uniform salute a man I barely knew, who I called grandpa.  It was a bittersweet moment as I found myself filled with pride for his commitment, but also filled with such a depth of sadness knowing that he was never able to leave the past in the past.

Random share:  here he is with my grandma on their wedding day; just before he left to fight in the war:

The pinning of the poppy also also reminded me that we all have our own dark moments and darkness to overcome.  We have a choice, we can either let the darkness consume us, or we can walk through the darkness.

I will always (I hope!) walk through the darkness, for I never want to find myself lost, cold and distant.
Does that mean I will always be in the light?  No.  Not at all.  But I will fight to find it.  I will fight to walk a path of love and light because I do believe that walking in light and love is the only way to find peace.  Peace within and peace outside of self.

Moments remembering the war, its horrors and the people that suffered through it.

Moments remember that love and light are a path to peace.

Moments D541: Fuck being sad

Today I had an amazing lunch with a team mate of mine.  Chica has inspired me many times over the 1.5 years that I've know her.  She is simply a breath of fresh, joyful, bright air.  She's also 12 years younger than I am, and yet, in many ways, her life experience has made her much more self-aware and grounded than I.   Chica is simply a spitfire personality; a ball of energy.  Today's lunch was just another moment with her that left me a little awestruck with the depth that she offers outside of her boisterous ways.

As a total sidebar that ties back in:  Chica, strangely, she reminds me of a younger, wilder me.  I was never as wild as she, but her energy and "joie de vivre" vibrates on a level that I sometimes forget lives within me.  When she and I catch up, it's like slipping on an old set of boots that fit you perfectly from years of wear.  Feeling her energy reminds me of a historical me.

Today's catch over lunch was an incredible moment and one that I won't soon forget.  Why?  Well, Chica reminded me of the bigger picture in life.  It looks a bit like this:

First of all, there were screams.  (Yes.  Full on screams.)
Then a big deep genuine hug.
That was soon followed by a request for all the details.
Then there were tears.  Tears of genuine joy.

(insert lunch and other topics here)

Followed by intermittent yelps of glee.  Yes - The. Entire. Lunch.  Filled with intermittent yelps.

It was, simply, awesome.  It filled my heart with joy.

As we dug a little deeper into our catching up, Chica had some very mature, grounded advice:  "Fuck being sad, life is too short."

It was a light bulb moment, bringing me back to something Heini has shared with me. Like pieces clicking into place, my choice became clearer.

Why?  Because I know (and truly believe) that life is too short to be sad.  It's why I left a content, unfulfilling marriage.  It's why I work hard to make my team more efficient.  It's why I dig deep and communicate (a key to deep relationships).  Bottom line, this notion is very deep within me.  It's why I love to live every moment.  Chica captured that concisely with "Fuck being sad."

It had me thinking.

Bottom line, we all have choices.  They may be limited.  They may be shitty, but there is always a choice.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not all sparkles, rainbows and a bowl full of cherries.  I know that sparkles get lost in the darkness and the rainbows only come after the rain.  I also know that there are pits in the bowl of cherries but that won't stop me from eating them.  My point?  I can (and have) been swallowed into the darkness from time to time.  It happens.  We all find ourselves there.  But sometimes, the wallowing in self-pity gets out of control and (even though the words sound harsh) as Heini gently and lovingly says, "...get over yourself."  It may sound harsh, but it's true.  What's the point in wallowing.  Life is too short.  Choices can be made to find the light:  Find the tools.  Build the skills.  Lean on your support system.

And so, today, I'm going to stop wallowing and worrying as much as I have been.  I have too much going on in my own swirling life to further burden myself with the self-pity and sadness I've been carrying with me.  Bottom line:  I know change is difficult and scary and can tear relationships apart, but it can also build them stronger.  Perspective and digging deeper.

Today's moment was this light bulb moment with Chica over lunch which inspired a commitment to myself to move beyond the sadness that has clouded me for the past (near) week.  I have too much to be thankful for and to celebrate.  I have conquered some of my daemons in the past year.  I have found love, and revealed depth in friendships around me.  Acquaintances have surprised me and family has endlessly supported and loved me for all of me.  Each remind me that my happiness is important.  That I am important to them.  That I am loved by them and I can safely share my light, my love and my dreams with them without guilt or judgement.

Today, Chica reminded me to dig deeper within and be more true to myself when I find sadness creeping in. I may not be able to communicate well enough to change how people interact with me, but I can certainly change how I accept and interact with others.  We all have our own path to follow, and sometimes it is a dark path that lay ahead.  It's simply a path I refuse to walk with so much promise and love surrounding me. It is time for me to follow the bright, sparkly, rainbow covered path for my darkness has lifted and the storms have passed.

I know that those who really love me and support me, know that I'm girl who loves to yelp and scream and enjoy life large.  Not unlike my younger wilder team mate Chica.

So, my thanks to Chica for her bluntness.  I needed that slap in the face today.   She's right:  Fuck being sad, life is too short.

Moments reflecting over one's path.

Moments realizing that a choice must be made to dance in the light.

Moments D473: Silver Linings

Sometimes life is just nasty to you.  It's nothing that you've done to deserve the negative energy, but perhaps it's a moment where you weren't strong enough to shield yourself from it.  It happens.  We all fall down from time to time, get a little (and sometimes a lot) beaten up, and feel bloodied and bruised.

Recently one of our own suffered through a terrible ordeal on his birthday weekend.  I had texted him on his birthday (last Monday) and his reply was to share some details about this birthday nightmare.  He shared it with me and me alone.  When we arrived to the office on Tuesday, I shared the story briefly with our team and we quickly agreed that we should try to help out.  Given that this ray of light touches many lives in the company, we sent out the following email to the entire staff team:

Pardon the intrusion, but one of our own suffered through an ordeal this past weekend and my department would like to reach out and see if we can’t help ease the pain a bit.

Imagine it's your birthday weekend. You're ready to have an awesome time with your family. Food, drink, presents. The whole nine. Then, suddenly all of that joy is taken away in a heartbeat.

Our good friend Ray of Light experienced exactly that this past weekend, as a thief stole his wife's purse (containing a great deal of cash, credit cards and gifts) while she rode the streetcar. Never mind the financial inconvenience this caused - being victimized like that sure would put a damper on MY weekend plans, and I'm guessing they did the same to Ray of Light and his family.

What we are hoping for, is the generosity of the folks who see every day. Just to give what you can. We are not looking to replace any particular amount, but rather we want to show Ray of Light and his family that there is an opposite (and much stronger) side to their lousy experience. Hopefully they can use whatever funds we raise to have a nice dinner and drinks together - on us.

If you're interested in contributing, we will be collecting your donations till Friday at noon. Let us know you'd like to donate via email, as we'd like to make this a surprise for  Ray of Light.  We'll present him with whatever we collect shortly after that.

Please be aware that we are trying to make this a surprise, so please no sharing with him prematurely!!

Thanks to everyone for whatever you can spare.

Back to your regularly scheduled day.  :)

The response immediate.  The flood of support and the depth of love that it brought with it was inspiring. We've been collecting funds since Tuesday and today when we handed over the card and envelope there was over $1000 collected for Ray of Light.  A company full of incredibly generous people offering to line Ray of Light's dark cloud with a little (a LOT!) of silver.  From the executive team down to the warehouse, he is loved.

When Ray of Light realized what had happened it was like a dam opening.  We're living in tight quarters at the moment and I tried to give him enough space to process the flood.  I hugged him, told him that he was loved by many and quietly handed him the box of kleenex.  Twenty minutes later, composed enough, he shared these words back to the company:

To my team mates, my friends, my work family - words will not do justice, will not suffice to give meaning to how you have all touched my heart –how you have helped my family.

I am so overwhelmed by your kindness – and your thoughtfulness - I am beside myself – I would be more eloquent in thanking you – but I am crying too hard.

A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble.

My heart is full of names - I love you all, I am in your debt, thank you, thank you.

He sent me a separate note, one that was just as heartfelt and touching:

Thank you most of all – one day I will find out what I did in my life to deserve a friend like you.

Ray of Light is a good man.  A man who has had quite a few hard knocks, and yet, he pushes forward, with a smile, with the ability to give more than he ever takes and he never, ever complains or asks for help. (Even when he should sometimes!)  The outpouring of love and support only goes to show just how many people's lives his beautiful energy has inspired.

It was a beautiful moment to see him soak in the energy reflected back to him today to watch the darkness lift and his storm cloud blown away.  As the rest of the day passed, I could feel him settling into the energy. Now Ray of Light will enjoy this weekend with his family (including visitors from out of town) without worrying about how he is going to afford to feed his extended family.

Ray of Light will left work with a full heart, a recharged soul and the understanding that while life can be nasty and break you down, there are loving people around that can help lift the burden and brighten the world around again.  He is not alone.

You are not alone.  Nor am I.

It's a story to share because many of us feel alone in times of trouble and don't always look past the darkness to realize that we have a support system.  This is a beautiful example of that.  It just takes a moment to share.

Moments watching the darkness lift and a heart swell.

Moments appreciating the beautiful people I work with.

Moments D465: Truth Sets you Free

We all have skeletons in the closet.  One's personal history is not always easy to revisit, but sometimes, a lot of time actually, it is vital to do so.  Being the person I am, one always looking to grow and evolve, I knew that I would have to share more about one particular skeleton than I ever wanted to.  In the end, today was a big growth day. It hurt, but it didn't break me. Sometimes growing hurts; I accept that.  Life is about the journey.  Without the pains of life, we have less capacity to enjoy the beauty of life.  I accept that Yin/Yang understanding of my world.  And so, without further preamble, today's moment is about sharing difficult, dark truths and leaning on those you love for the light they shine creating a pathway out of the dark.

________________________________________
I've been quiet the past few days because I had a bombed dropped in my lap this past week.  In a week that had too much on my plate to deal with, one of my skeletons rose its ugly, angry, abusive head.  And I had to deal with it.  I couldn't ignore it.  And though I reached out to one within my support system, I swore her to secrecy.  I then dealt with the situation as quickly as my jammed schedule would allow. I didn't share my struggle, my fear, or my shock with the rest of my support system.  Fear and shame held me hostage - I held it close to me and suffered through the coaster of emotions.  I hid from the world and more importantly I hid from those I loved.

Four days later, armed with some answers, I felt more confident (which does not mean I was confident, far from it!) to shed light into those dark recesses of my closet.  I wasn't sure I was ready to go into those corners, but I was aware that it was necessary.  Most importantly, being transparent with the man I love was necessary.  So, filled with shame, guilt, anger (for finding myself in this position in the first place) and a touch of fear, I filled in the support system I have in my life.  I really wasn't ready for the onslaught of love, light and support that I found enveloping me.

Those that love me were not happy with me for carrying this burden alone.  Their first reaction was to express their disappointment and anger for my decision to walk alone through this.  From coworkers to my best friends, the message was the same.  "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"  Amazingly (and maybe I shouldn't be amazed, as my friends are incredible people), their anger and disappointment quickly morphed to love and support.  Their gentle reminders, words of encouragement and understanding began to lift the dark cloud of fear for sharing such a dark truth.

I'm still processing the darkness.  As I sit in anger at myself, I know that I will need some time to forgive myself.  But, sharing this truth; sharing this darkness, has given me a new perspective on my past and a breath of light that I needed to help shed the darkness.  It's given me a new appreciation for that which I have learned.  I've been naive.  I've allowed myself to be used and manipulated.  I didn't hear (I listened!) to the warning signs from my best friends.  I had a path to walk and I walked it regardless of the warnings.  I had a lesson to learn.  I've learned.  My dear, loving friends.....I. HAVE. LEARNED.

Moments digging deeper than you ever want to go.

Moments sharing truth and leaning on your loved ones and knowing that you are surrounded in love and light.

Moments D240: The World has not Ended

This is no laughing matter! Today was supposed to be the end of the world as we know it. After all the Mayan calendar ends today. It was to mark the end of civilization. (Who said we were so damned civilized in the first place?) In the end, it’s just another Winter Solstice coming to pass.

I thought I should dedicate today’s blog to the world not ending. Why not right? It’s the talk of the day and it has forced many upon the earth to stop and reflect. This really isn’t a bad thing!

Of course I too took a moment to reflect and ponder my path. Had the world ended today, how would I feel? (Besides being dead of course!)

Overall, I think I’d be pretty content. I’ve managed to do quite well for myself. I’ve survived dark moments and been present for some of the best soul filling moments. I’ve learned and grown much over my years on the earth and I know I haven’t lost that passion or drive for life.

I’ve decided that I am pretty happy that I’m still here. I kinda like my life. I like knowing that I’ll have an opportunity to continue to grow, learn and love. I like knowing that my bucket list is still something I can work on. I like knowing I still have time to explore this beautiful world around us.

And so, as the clock/calendar is reset for another 5125 years I look forward to new experiences and adventures. I am thankful to all the beautiful people in my life. I am also thankful to those that challenge me too. We all need darkness to appreciate the light. As we head back into longer days, I send out light and love to all - may we all dig a little deeper!

Moments to be thankful.

Moments to reflect.

Moments D229: It's good to see you

Today was a bit of a struggle. Energies were swirled around me. Some things have come to completion, while others have begun to unravel. As the busiest time of year ends for most of my team at work, my own job digs in a little deeper into the craziness. And as I ramp up for the end of this semester, I realize, I really haven’t been a good student and I’m struggling to get through all the material.

Yes, there is much going on. Fortunately, I know I can get through it. I’ve had much more on my plate in the past. This should be a walk in the park. And yet, I feel the drag.

It’s the emotional stuff that’s really eating at me more than the things that need to be done. Questions about friends and feeling left out, worries about other friends and their family and general doubts about my ability to lead. And while there are a couple of very important, loving people in my circle that have been there for me, I’m feeling ever more abandoned by others and it’s been building over the past few weeks/months.

I suppose this is something that happens when you tear a life apart and rebuild it. For the most part I can logically walk my way through the why’s and how’s of it all. But sometimes, it’s just easier to sit in the darkness. To believe the worst. To wallow.

There were two moments today when a flash of light was thrown on me. The first a message from 3000+ miles away. A smile just as I needed it after a particularly negative encounter. Reassurance that I can make a difference.

But the biggest unexpected smile came from a near-stranger in Shoppers.

I have shopped at this particular Shoppers for as many years as it’s been there. I would recognize most of the cashiers on the street if I ran into them, but I don’t know their names, nor have I shared many a full conversation with them. Today, one of the ladies that I haven’t seen in a long while was back working at the front cash. As we did our typical ritual, I noted to her that it’s been a long time since I had last seen her. She informed me that she had been on maternity leave and we shared a few pleasantries as she rang through my items. Strange how time passes and how things change and we don’t always notice it. Then, as I was all packed up and heading out, she stopped me, looked me in the eye and said “it’s good to see you again”. Then she called for the next customer in line.

Sure, it might have been just her impeccable customer service skills kicking in, but it felt different. It felt genuine. And it gave me the biggest boost of light today. I don’t think I realized that I needed that boost until I had received it. Strange how sometimes the darkness can hide you. Stranger still that someone so peripheral in my life could make me feel that much better.

I left the store with a smile on my face. I smile as I share the story now.

If that’s not a good enough recommendation to be kind to others, I don’t know what is.

Moments to appreciate all people who cross your path.

Moments of unexpected kindness.