We all have skeletons in the closet. One's personal history is not always easy to revisit, but sometimes, a lot of time actually, it is vital to do so. Being the person I am, one always looking to grow and evolve, I knew that I would have to share more about one particular skeleton than I ever wanted to. In the end, today was a big growth day. It hurt, but it didn't break me. Sometimes growing hurts; I accept that. Life is about the journey. Without the pains of life, we have less capacity to enjoy the beauty of life. I accept that Yin/Yang understanding of my world. And so, without further preamble, today's moment is about sharing difficult, dark truths and leaning on those you love for the light they shine creating a pathway out of the dark.
________________________________________
I've been quiet the past few days because I had a bombed dropped in my lap this past week. In a week that had too much on my plate to deal with, one of my skeletons rose its ugly, angry, abusive head. And I had to deal with it. I couldn't ignore it. And though I reached out to one within my support system, I swore her to secrecy. I then dealt with the situation as quickly as my jammed schedule would allow. I didn't share my struggle, my fear, or my shock with the rest of my support system. Fear and shame held me hostage - I held it close to me and suffered through the coaster of emotions. I hid from the world and more importantly I hid from those I loved.
Four days later, armed with some answers, I felt more confident (which does not mean I was confident, far from it!) to shed light into those dark recesses of my closet. I wasn't sure I was ready to go into those corners, but I was aware that it was necessary. Most importantly, being transparent with the man I love was necessary. So, filled with shame, guilt, anger (for finding myself in this position in the first place) and a touch of fear, I filled in the support system I have in my life. I really wasn't ready for the onslaught of love, light and support that I found enveloping me.
Those that love me were not happy with me for carrying this burden alone. Their first reaction was to express their disappointment and anger for my decision to walk alone through this. From coworkers to my best friends, the message was the same. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Amazingly (and maybe I shouldn't be amazed, as my friends are incredible people), their anger and disappointment quickly morphed to love and support. Their gentle reminders, words of encouragement and understanding began to lift the dark cloud of fear for sharing such a dark truth.
I'm still processing the darkness. As I sit in anger at myself, I know that I will need some time to forgive myself. But, sharing this truth; sharing this darkness, has given me a new perspective on my past and a breath of light that I needed to help shed the darkness. It's given me a new appreciation for that which I have learned. I've been naive. I've allowed myself to be used and manipulated. I didn't hear (I listened!) to the warning signs from my best friends. I had a path to walk and I walked it regardless of the warnings. I had a lesson to learn. I've learned. My dear, loving friends.....I. HAVE. LEARNED.
Moments digging deeper than you ever want to go.
Moments sharing truth and leaning on your loved ones and knowing that you are surrounded in love and light.
No comments:
Post a Comment