Moments D678: Waiting

Today is Oscar night.  Not typically a big night for me.  I know, however, that it is for many as they anticipate the "best of..." for the year.   After yesterday's eye-opening moment, it got me to thinking about waiting for answers. (Can you imagine sitting in the audience, waiting for the announcement of your name.....or not?)

Waiting for an announcement.Waiting for results. Waiting for answers.Waiting on someone else for something you need.

From the big moments to the small ones, how incredibly challenging waiting can be.  I think of those sitting in the waiting rooms of hospitals waiting for their loved ones to come out of surgery, waiting for answers.  I think of the students waiting for the results from their recent midterms and the anxiety that goes with that wait.  I think of those waiting for the call back to a new job or simply waiting at your doctor's office.  Never mind someone waiting for the announcement of the biggest prize or accolade of their life's works.

The anxiety. The anticipation.

It's no wonder I don't like waiting rooms!  Today I realized, however, that sometimes waiting isn't such a terrible thing.  I don't know my midterm mark yet and that's okay, it's not like it's as high on my priority list as it once was.  Sometimes waiting is a good thing.  Sometimes feeling that anxiety, flipping through the possibilities in your mind is a healthy feeling because when the answer is finally revealed, it's not such a surprise and, on some level, you can live the fantasy of landing that perfect mark.

Today's moment: a better understanding that waiting isn't so bad after all.

Moments waiting.

Moments just before the answers are revealed.  It's like the calm before the storm.

Moments D677: Deeper sense of self

Life happens in a blink of an eye. We're here for such a short period of time and often we find ourselves seeking safe harbours or the excitement of something new. Often we flounder for the right direction as we try to sort out our inner-most workings. That's just part of the path we lead as human beings.

And as we toil with choices, as we flip and flop, we often feel like life passes us by.

From time to time, I too fall prey to this mentality.

As I inch ever closer to my 40th birthday, I can't help but press pause and reflect. I worry that being a Jane-of-all-trades and master of none may catch up with me. I've lived big, but with few tangible results. A good example is my goal to finish my finance degree by the time I turned forty. It won't happen. Not even close really. I have 11 more classes to complete. Why did it slip? Life happened. My Mom got sick. Then my Dad got sick. Then I went through a separatation and divorce. Tumultuous indeed, but life happens and as it does we make decisions.

Back to point: today's moment.

About a year ago, I started to dive into a new world. It wasn't long before I found myself falling into this world. Never before had I felt so respected, understood and my input appreciated. The seed, then planted, was slowly cared for as it grew and eventually bloomed into the love I find myself immersed in now.

Today's moment was a deeper understanding of that love and frankly, it rocked my world.

Moments like today's are rare. These are the moments where your entire paradigm shifts. A moment that makes your legs weak. A moment where your heart skips a beat (or three). A moment where you realize, you've never been here before.

Before your eyes, it's that moment where the moon shifted into the sun, where cold warmed into heat, high energy fell still and emptiness was filled. Eyes wide open, it's when the old grew young again and black was undoubtedly white. It was that moment where my inner me surfaced and merged with my outer me. And there was a sense of oneness within myself and my very existence.

Sound dramatic? Good. It should. It was that kind of moment! Seriously, my string of words don't come close to expressing how deep the moment went today for me. I had found an unknown piece of me deep in the shadows of myself and with it, I had a moment of deep peace.

In that moment, I also realized that I have fallen more deeply in love than I've ever been before.

And though I've never been here before, I'm not as afraid as I once was. Life will continue to happen. I will continue to plan and make the best of my time here, but I will not life my head one day and feel as though life has passed me by. I recommit to myself, and those I love, that I will ride the wave of life and travel it wherever it will take me. Life happens in a blink of an eye and I'm staring for as long as I can.

Moments breathing deeply and searching within.

Moments appreciating the rawness and balanced inner workings of yourself.

Moments D589: Ferocious Love

Sometimes words just come to me.  Sometimes I filter and I don't share them.  Other days, like this evening, I just go with it and see where the ride takes me.

Tonight I told EQ that I loved him ferociously.   What?  What on earth anyway?

As I explained to him the why behind that word, it all came to make sense.  I love this man so much that the protector in me rises to the surface.  I want to ensure that his best interests are always at the forefront, even if he's not really paying attention to those needs.  That protective nature, that need to provide that world of safety, that's a raw, primal emotion.

And for us, it works.  I love him ferociously and I stand as protector to him (as he does for me).   My priority is always to protect the love and light that my dear, sweet, loving, generous EQ shares with the world around him.  To support him and energize him for more....and to make sure that he isn't taken advantage of.

He does it for me all the time.

Today, I realized, that I'm doing it for him too.

Kinda cool.

Moments stepping beyond self.

Moments realizing that you can be raw and real with your emotions and it's not only acceptable, it's desired.

Moments D583: Making lists, checking them twice and cleaning it up

As I near the next chapter in my my new novel, I find myself making lists of lists to make sure I don't forget anything.  Ever since the big shift in June, I haven't really been paying close attention to the details, I haven't really had to.  But now, as things become ever more deep, it's time to really clean things up and prepare for this next chapter.  Why?  Because it's a big important chapter and much is changing.

Today I took some time to dig a little deeper into a post separation finances.  Check.  All cleaned up and ready to talk to my CFP about better diversification now that I have all the information sorted out.

Today I took some time to set up a checklist for my coming trip.  You know.  What do I need to pack.  What do I need to wash.  Which hat.  Do I need sunscreen?  Should I bring my tablet or just my laptop.  Do I have enough supplements?  It's a simple way of getting the chorus of things out of my head so I can better focus on the other lists that are more pressing in the short term.

Like making sure I have detailed out information for my kitty sitters.  Oh.  Right.  Not so short term.

Okay, how about my checklist for Christmas gifts for my immediate family as I won't be spending Christmas at home with them.  No?  Still not short term enough?

Well fine then!  How about a checklist of what to buy for my girls night in this coming weekend and a checklist of small things that I need to get done before they all show up?  Yes, that's definitely more short term.

Today I also made a checklist of thoughts and ideas that needed to be shared with a friend of mine.  It was one of the most challenging lists I've made in a long time because, sadly, it was filled with points of grief, frustration and disappointment.  Yes, that's definitely a list that was long over due.

But at the end of the day, I feel more organized.  I feel a little less burdened by the weight of things bearing down on me because I have sorted through it and know that piece by piece, bit by bit, I will check things off my lists.

And before you  know it I'll be enjoying a cocktail on a cruise ship looking back smiling at all that I managed to get done in short order.

Oooooh how I love lists.  Strange, perhaps.  But, there's no denying their effectiveness!

Moments pausing to sort through the hum in my head.

Moments knowing that the future is mine to mould.

Moments D424: Summer Solstice

Happy summer to each of you!  Today is the longest day of the year and it marks the beginning of summer.  It also, for me, marks the beginning of a new perspective on life.  Today's moment is two-fold for me.  The first a very deep and personal shift.  The second, spending the evening on the beach, playing volleyball on the longest day of the year while watching the sunset and the near-full moon rise.  Stunning.  Could it have been more perfect?

It's funny how quickly things can shift.  I find, it's even more significant when those shifts happen to occur on significant dates.  Today a shift on the solstice and near-full moon.  Damn.  Now that is intense!

Why the shift?  I'm not sure.  I've reflected upon this question without finding a true answer.  Part of the answer is that it really is time to celebrate me and my deepest needs.  Without a doubt, I've been avoiding this due to circumstance and simple fear.  When you hear of death (and there have been a few this past week, far from me, but close to my friends), it shakes you.  It's not in my personal circle, but it still shakes you to see how it affects your friends.  This had me stop to think about how short life is and how (again) every day much be celebrated.  WHY ON EARTH was I living in fear?  WHAT was holding me back?

The answer was simple.  *I* was holding me back.

It is time to let go of the fear, time to full be in the moment and plan my future.  Come what may, I want to find a reciprocated love.  I want to share my deepest self.  Today the season changed and this deep, life-altering change happened within me.  I am ready.  Throwing caution to the wind, I opened myself up a little more deeply to the signs around me.  I have opened myself to embarking on a new path.  A path I have previously run from for fear of the unknown.  One that now is in my sights and is fully illuminated (and believe me, the pun here (being the longest day of the year) is not lost on me!).  This a path that brings me much joy and hope.  A path brings a flutter to me that I haven't felt in a long time. Come what may, this summer is going to be the experience of a lifetime for me.  For me, it begins today.

Moments celebrating the summer solstice and the rising moon.
Moments allowing the flood of sunshine and moonlight to find me and give me the courage to celebrate my deepest inner-self.

Moments D195: Closing Doors

Today was an interesting day. Today I chose to firmly close the door on a dream I've had since I can remember.

The process of getting to this point has been challenging. I’ve dug deep into myself and asked some tough questions over the past two months when this opportunity first presented itself.

In the end, I came to understand a couple of key points about myself.

First, I fully recognized just how important my family is to me. (Don’t get me wrong, I obviously love these people but I’m fortunate enough to like them too.) The thought of relocating and seeing them even more infrequently was not something I wanted to really wanted experience. It was a major draw back for me. Even so, for the right opportunity, I would have tested that theory and I was ready to.

But then I dug a little deeper and I realized that I love living in a city that is busy and vibrant and full of activity. And digging deeper yet I realized that I have worked too hard in my life to take a step backwards. Not only does that realization fit financially, but also emotionally. I realized that I've already taken a big step backwards emotionally this past year and I've been struggling to move that forward. There was no way that I was willing to add taking a step back financially as well.

So while, on the surface of it, this opportunity seemed like a dream come true, once I peeled away some of the layers I realized that it wasn’t a good fit overall. I deserve the right fit. I deserve something that better fits my key needs.

And yet, as this opportunity came to a head and an ultimate decision was shared, I was saddened to close the door. Letting go of dreams can be hard. They can also give you room to breathe and grow into new dreams.

So, do I see it as a lost opportunity? No. I smile knowing that I did my due diligence. I dug and asked tough questions of myself. It wasn’t a good fit and that’s okay, that’s life after all. I’m happy to know that I will continue the good fight of personal evolution and I’ll be closest to those I love most.

Moments of self-reflection.

Moments of choosing a path.

Moments D159: Going with the Flow

Today I started late at work, but I figured that was a-okay given that I put in 8 hours of extra work over the weekend. Of course, getting started late means that I arrive to the office with many questions waiting to be answered and before you know it my day has zipped past me once again. I was sure that tonight was going to be home early and early to bed. I had no plans. NONE.

But today’s moment is about going with the flow. Around 1pm I had an old team mate text me to see if I could sub in on her volleyball team tonight. I was dog tired, out too late, up too late, up too early and tired from the brain power used at work this morning…….but, how do I say no to my favourite sport? How do I say no when I know that this league will offer good competitive women’s only volleyball; when it’s the league that I turned down to play with the other league on Thursdays?

Quite simply, I couldn’t! And so, even though I was tired and unsure if I’d play well, I committed to going. Let me tell you, I’m so glad I did!

Sometimes we must push ourselves. Push beyond the boundaries we impose upon ourselves. I played quite well. (I too was surprised!) In fact, they were so happy with my skills that it sounds like I’ll be the first person they ask to play with them when they need a sub in the future.

Sometimes, it’s about going with the flow. With what feels right and not forcing it. Tonight it was all about the flow of energy, not bottling it up. And it feels good!

I think it’s pretty fitting that it’s time for a bath now. (Flow, water….)

Moments of being in the zone.

Moments at peace.

Moments D147: Self-Reflection - Setting up a Profile

You know, every now and then one needs to stop and take stock of who they are, what they want, and where they are going. Today I had that moment as I was setting up a new profile of me. I’ve had many moments in the past year where I’ve had to stop and think about who I was, but today, today was nitty and gritty. I needed to really find out what was unique and marketable about myself. What makes me stand out from the crowd.

This is not an easy moment. First there is the panic that I’m just like everyone else. There’s nothing special. Nothing worth barking about. Then there is the spark of hope. Maybe a little of this, or a touch of that makes me special. It’s still not gang busters, but it’s better than the darkness of nothingness. And then, the flow of that light spreads. You realize that there are pieces of you that are unique and might be important to someone looking for those attributes.

All of a sudden your profile comes together. The words you found to describe yourself sound (almost) impressive. Is that really you? Is that really your history and perspective on life? Hmmm. I guess it is. Not bad. Not bad at all.

And definitely worth a smile and today’s shared moment with you!

Moments of reflection.

Moments of believing in self.

Moments D139: Jack Crickets

Today was the end of my brief mini-vacation with myself. As usual, time seemed to fly by and I was surprised as I wasn’t sure how spending three days on my own would really go. (i.e. would they drag out or would they zip by? - they zipped!)

Today’s moment is actually two separate moments. I can’t help myself - I need to share both! And instead of Jiminy Cricket we end up with Jack Cricket! (Yes, silly fun!)

While this morning was focused on work I managed to get out to the sun and pool by 2pm. I laid their and read and soaked in the sun’s warmth. At one point, I am enjoying the silence and the next I’m enjoying the chorus of crickets chirping. As I turned over I stopped to pull out my water bottle from my bag. My bag slightly moved and the cricket’s song paused. I merely thought that was because of the sound my bag made on the ground. But as I lifted up my bag to bring it closer to me I noticed the cricket. It was hiding under my bag! Here it was, that entire time right beside me singing away. What a glorious moment that was which brought a big smile to my face and few kind comments for the cricket.

Later, on my way home, I was passed by a pickup truck. On its windows at the back are two decals of one of my most favourite characters of all time. Jack Skellington. Like this one:

For me it was a sign of a wonderful weekend meant to be for me. It too brought a huge smile to my face as I headed home. A great way to end my weekend adventure.

Thus the blog of Jack Crickets!

Moments of silence and warmth.

Moments of song.

Moments to smile and appreciate.

Moments D138: Eucalyptus Steam Room

Today was an incredible day. It was a day to myself and for myself. I rarely find myself in this situation as I love to be busy and better yet, I love to be busy with people. But today, I chose to isolate myself. It was time to reconnect and recharge.

Today the sun was shining so I spent some time by the pool and read. It was cool in the 18 degree breeze, but the sun was hot and the pool was (thankfully) warm. I finished up a book I had been hanging onto from a co-worker for months now. Boy do I feel good that I can give it back to him tomorrow. I also started two other books. Triple check on the feeling good.

But the best part of my day was heading out late afternoon to the Scandinave Spa. I could talk to you about how incredible the grounds were, or the friendly staff, or the large (very hot) sauna or one of the best shiastu/swedish massages I’ve ever had in room 11. Each and every one of those pieces of my experience today were amazing moments. (And yes, I will likely track down the RMT to keep in touch with him regarding his new farm/resort project, but I might even try another treatment with him (even though I love my current RMT!!) He was just that incredible with his sharing of energy and his treatment style.)

But today’s biggest moment. The moment that stands out most prominently is when I had the eucalyptus steam room all to myself. At one point the steamer shut off and it was dead quiet in the steam room. All you could hear was a faint “drip…..drip……drip” as the steam condensed on the ceiling and fell back to the floor below. It was this moment, in dead silence where I slowed my breathing to a crawl and imagined feeling every inch of my skin in the steam. It was hot and the eucalyptus tickled one’s nose but on the skin it was a tingling sensation. My skin was tingling and covered in steam/sweat. As the steam rolled over my skin I wondered if there was a way to separate body from mind and I focused on the rolling steam along my skin, but in a detached way. It was an interesting exercise and one that I won’t soon forget.

I revisited the steam room a couple of times beyond that experience. Unfortunately I wasn’t to have the room to myself again. It’s not quite the same listening to other people breathing/moving/coughing. It was a moment for myself. It was a moment for my deepest me. It was a pretty incredible moment.

Moments of quiet reflection.
Moments for self.

Moments to recharge.

(and yes, girlfriends, be ready. This is what I want to do for my birthday next year!)

Moments D106: Boundaries

This subject matter, boundaries, has been top of mind for some time now. Between my girlfriends and I, there certainly has been a lot of opportunities to discus the merits of boundaries. Setting them, abiding by them, and when necessary altering them within reason and comfort.

Today’s moment: Accepting boundaries. Both given and shared. Personally I had to manage a boundary thrust upon me. Personally, I shared a boundary. It felt good to stand my ground and maintain my boundary.

This seemed to have happened for a dear friend of mine today as well. So, it only seemed fitting to dedicate today’s moment to boundaries. Digging deeper within and knowing what it is “self” wants and what “self” is comfortable with. A simple thing, but for someone like me, and for someone like my dearest friend, it isn’t easy to stay true to “self” when all we want to do is keep the peace and please others. It’s a delicate balancing act and I’m only just beginning to learn this skill.

Moments to accept boundaries.

Moments to share boundaries.

Moments of being ever true to self.

Moments D87: Learning & Reflecting

Recently a dear friend and I were discussing life and the process through which we, as individuals, experience life. The subject of change was prevalent in our discussion.

Change. Why is it so challenging for most? Isn’t that why we are here? To learn? To Grow? To evolve? How is it that we become complacent and comfortable with people and situations that aren’t really best for us? How is that acceptable?

Tough questions without easy answers. For me, that’s what life is all about IMHO. Learning, growing, evolving into better versions of self. No one said it was going to be easy, but it is necessary. It takes time. It takes analysis of self and time to reflect. In such a fast paced world, we lose the ability to take a step back and reflect without forcing that moment of reflection.

As I told my girlfriend - I will learn until the day my last breath escapes my lips. And I vow to make more time for myself to reflect upon myself and how comfortable I really am.

Moments of learning.

Moments of reflection.

Moments of GROWTH.

Moments D86: Find your voice

Today’s moment was about finding my voice. Sometimes I’m too sensitive to other people’s needs and emotions. Sometimes I allow my boundaries to be crossed without sharing how that makes me feel. So today, I found my voice. I said what I needed to say.

SO: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t be mean when saying it.

Moments of being true.

Moments of finding YOUR truth.

Moments of finding your voice.

#moments #truth #voice #self