Moments D710: When the wait is over

So maybe patience isn't at the top of my list of strengths.  Most of the time, I can manage the anxiety that rises from waiting. But there are moments where the emotional pull into the worry is too strong.

This evening was one of those moments.

And as I waited, I could feel the panic rise within.  I talked myself down.  For every point that I was worried about, I found a reason not to worry.  White daemons.  But the words found were weak and failed to create robust daemons to really fight the worry away.  

And so I waited, aware that I was trying not to worry.  Aware of the rise of emotion within.  Aware that there was nothing I could do until the answers were given to me.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And then finally, a snippet of information came through.  Two words.  They were positive words, but left a whole world of questions open behind the door opened.

The more I thought about it, the more the panic started to creep back in.  Time, my worst enemy.  I tried the tactic of counter-reasons for my worry points...and failed.

I circled back into the awareness that I was trying not to worry; of the rise of emotion within; that there was nothing I could do until further answers were given to me.

And I waited.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

And the (most) answers finally came.  A wave of relief washed over me.  I had more questions, but the deepest darkest worries had vanished, in that moment.

That moment, that moment where I felt the world's weight lift from me, that's today's moment to celebrate because I know there will be days where instead of the weight of the world being lifted from me, it will crush me.

Today was not one of those days.  I celebrate that moment.  That moment where the clouds part and the sun hits your face.  That moment after holding your breath for far too long that you are able to gasp for air and you deeply, luxuriously inhale.

That is a magical moment.

Moments knowing you are circling the rabbit hole.

Moments being pulled out of the darkness of your mind.

Moments D636: Breathe Easy

Today was a work day. School work. Having been lazy yesterday meant that all day today I focused on my readings.

So not much excitement right?

That's true until my BFF informed (via instant message) me that she fell down her front steps, likely hit her head and injured her already sensitive back. And oh....did I mention that she is only 5 weeks post knee operation? And that she's home alone for awhile?

The mama bear in me kicked in. I immediately called her. I needed to hear her voice to be sure she was ok.

She seemed surprised at my call, but I could hear that though she was slightly shaken, she was happy to hear from me.

I promised her I'd check in a few times over the course of the day to make sure she was ok.

All of my subsequent check-ins were a-okay....until the one around 9:30 pm. I didn't hear from her right away. I left it and then I tried again  20 minutes later.  Still nothing.

I knew it was possible (and likely) she had simply fallen asleep, but it was also possible that she wasn't ok given her injury run down earlier in the day. So I called her.  Both her cell and her home land line.

Nothing.

Now I had a choice.  Pretend everything was okay and go to bed, or be persistent and find out.

EQ & I set a time limit.  If we didn't hear back from BFF by 10:30 pm we were going to call the police and have them drop by to check in on her.

I didn't much like that option, but given the circumstances, it was on the table.

Fortunately, shortly after EQ and I decided on our plan of attack, we hear from BFF.  All was fine, she was indeed sleeping and the phone calls had woken her.

Phew.  

I felt badly for waking her knowing she's had troubles sleeping the past few weeks, but I was also quite relieved to hear she was doing okay.  

I promised to check in first thing tomorrow.

Now I can restfully sleep knowing she's in pain, (albeit wide awake now!), but safe.  Ah...what are friends for, right?  

Moments when things shift and decisions need to be made.

Moments knowing all is well and you can breathe easy again.

Moments D302: Worry & Calm

I'm a worrier. I know it isn’t a healthy thing to do and it is something that I’m trying to learn to curb.

Today, I worried. A lot. I had an opportunity to share my concerns with a few of people tonight and I gratefully received three very different perspectives on the same issue.

And all three said “Don’t worry about it - you can’t control anything but your own actions.”

Interesting. AND TRUE.

Sometimes I think I just need someone else to remind me of this simple fact. To remind me that even if my worry is warranted, I can only control what I have control of. All other things don’t matter.

And deep tidbit comes from a most trusted source. Of course she’s absolutely correct. But, I feel better having dissected all the possibilities as well. Now that I better understand the situation, I have a sense of calm. It will be what it will be. I can, and I will accept that.

Moments understanding why the worry.

Moments accepting the calm.