Moments D722: Letting go of anger

Today's moment is actually a quote that found me that really hit the mark for me:

Fear. We all have some form of it. A lot of times, fear will manifest as anger. If you do a Google search, you'll see a lot of articles commenting about fear as anger.

And there is so much anger in our world. To me, that suggests that there is a lot of fear in the world.

Bringing that back closer to home: These past few days for me have been filled with both, anger and fear. It's been a challenging couple of days, no doubt about it.

And then today I ran into this quote. For me, it helped to refocus the chaotic energy back towards me; my needs, my fears. It helped me to drop the anger that was pulling me into the silent darkness of self-pity. Bottom line is this: If those in my world are unable to work with me on my needs and fears when I communicate them, then that's their choice. I don't need to like it, but I also don't need to accept it either. I realized that I have a voice, even in anger/fear. It's not productive energy to fall into the fear/anger.

The quote inspired me to share. And so, I shared that second level of fear/anger. That in itself was scary and it was raw and real as I've ever been. Looking back, it was an empowering moment.

I shared that moment with BFF later today. Her surprise was evident given that she immediately replied with how proud she was of me for putting myself first (for onece) and really sharing (and not holding it all in and managing it alone).

Yes. I'm still very much a work-in-progress.

Moments feeling the anger and the fear.

Moments sharing why.

Moments D578: Well Laid Plans

There are moments in my life that I can distinctly recall having a gut feeling that one thing or another was going to happen.  Call it intuition, instinct or even pure luck.  Wherever this gut feeling comes from, today was one of those days where "that feeling" snapped into place with perfect clarity.

Over the past few months I've had this feeling that there was going to be a significant shift in one of my relationships.  I think in this case, it's instinct, knowing what I know of this person and how they interact with the world around them.  Given the opportunity to follow a challenged path offering growth or a path of least resistance offering security and safety, the latter is nearly always chosen.

In our case, I was ever hopeful of a different outcome.  I am, after all, an eternal optimist.  That said, I must admit that I have over the years been peppered with more realism than ever before, thanks, in part, to my friends constantly reminding me that I give too much without expecting more in return.  So, even though I suspected that this was the path for this relationship long ago, I was holding out hope that, in our case, a path of growth would be the choice.

And yet, today, as I face the inevitable, I realize with a strange sense of calm and understanding that it is what it is.  Don't get me wrong, I have tried to bridge the divide and change the course that we find ourselves upon, (it's my nature to do so!) but my attempts haven't been welcomed.   No, I'm not resigned to the choice, I openly accept the choice made.  In the end, like even the most well laid plans, I am reminded that one must be flexible and accept the signs of those plans morphing.  There is a lesson here and I'm not going to miss it.

I can't control the direction my friend chooses for our relationship.  I can, however, control mine.  Today, I made a decision to invest the time I spend chasing this relationship back into me and those in my circle that appreciate me in their world.  It was a moment of clarity for me.  A moment of self-respect.  A moment recognizing that my good nature can (and has at times) been taken for granted.  A moment where my willingness to share my light and love when it's not being respected and/or reflected  is no longer an option in my world.

Even the best laid plans can crumble and fall completely apart, but instead of continuing to grieve the breakdown, I am see the broken plan as an opportunity to rebuild.  And as I continue rebuild my life plans, there is no place for me to be taken for granted.  It is really that simple.

Moments finding a deeper self-respect.

Moments understanding it's okay to let go.

Moments D521: Steps forward

Today was a milestone day.  Today I officially started the divorce process with my ex-husband.

We've been officially separated for two years this coming November.  Why has the divorce taken so long? I suppose it's partially laziness and partially the process of separating our finances.  It takes time to get through some of that stuff.  And now we find ourselves in the home stretch.

And, unlike my expectation, it wasn't overly awkward for me to see my ex.  He looked good.  Healthier than when I last saw him.  I could tell though, he was nervous, .  He was twitchy in ways that only someone intimate would notice.  I found it interesting (in a social experiment kind of way) to realize that even though I haven't seen him in 19 months, I could still very much read his actions.  He was nervous and uncomfortable.

This realization made me reflect upon my own feelings in the moment.  I wasn't nervous.  I was feeling eager to have this part of my life finalized so I could fully focus on the next chapters being written.  I was feeling curious when I realized that some of his twitches that irritated me throughout our 11 years together irritated me in the 90 minutes that I spent with him.  I was feeling content to hear, and know, that he was doing well and slowly building a new life for himself.  I know, that when I left him, he struggled.  Most people don't want to purposefully hurt others.  I hated knowing how much pain I put him through, but I needed (and frankly deserved) more and he simply couldn't give it to me.   Knowing now, that he's doing better, offers me some relief from that guilt I carry with me.   In the end, I truly want him to find happiness.  And while I don't believe he has opened himself up enough to truly find it just yet (at least not from what he shared with me), I do truly hope that he can.  We all deserve to be stupidly happy.

Like a race, the home stretch can sometimes feel like the toughest part to work through.  As we processed through our paperwork, my finish line seemed to get further away from me.  It's like that never ending hallway The Shining.  (Okay, maybe not quite as horrific, but I think you get the point!)  After 22 months, I just want this book to be completed, bound up and tucked away.  Time to look forward and not back anymore.

What we found out was that the divorce process is a two step process that entails of first getting a certificate of clearance to allow us to process the divorce paperwork.  (The government checks its database to see if the same parties have registered any other divorce applications.) Step one takes 8 - 10 weeks before proceeding to the second step of actually applying for divorce.  In total it will take 3 months.

Just as I thought I saw the finish line coming into view, it felt as if it were pulling away from me again.

So the divorce won't be final in a month as I had anticipated.  But when I stopped to think about why it bugged me so, I realized that it really affects nothing.  What's another two months?  They will zip by in a heartbeat.  I've already moved well beyond this part of my life.  It's just paperwork.

Steps forward are steps forward.  Not to be dismissed because there are more of them to accomplish.

Moments revisiting the past.

Moments realizing you are ever more focused on the future.

Moments D513: Letting Go

Today I set a date with my ex-husband to deliver our divorce paperwork to the courthouse.  In just over a week, I'll see him for the first time in over a year and a half.  We'll be cordial, possibly even pleasant with one another, after all, I know we've both moved on.  That being said, I'm certain that it will still be uncomfortable and somewhat awkward.

But that's okay.

It's taken longer than I expected to see this day come.  Complications with rollovers being the major reason, laziness on following up and pushing it forward myself also played a minor roll.  (After all, it's easy to simply stick your head in the sand and ignore it!)

For those that really know me, know that I calenderize everything in my life.  Hell, there are times that my BFF sends me an email after us booking a concert saying "Where's my appointment girl?". Always amusing, but she's bang on.

For years, I've had my wedding anniversary on my calendar.  I've also had the day of our engagement on my calendar.  Last week marked what would have been our 10th anniversary.  Given that today I set the date to finalize my divorce paperwork (after being separated for nearly 2 years), I felt it fitting to finally pull those dates off the calendar.  It's time to let those slip away into the memory murkiness.  It's like having an old novel that you know you won't read again.  Time to archive it and let the details of the story slip away.

As sad as that may sound, it feels like a cloud lifting away from me.  Now, I'm certain that I'll have even more room in my heart, mind and soul for the love I find myself immersed in!  Bring on the new novel filled with adventures.

Moments reflecting upon the past.

Moments feeling good about letting it go.