Moments D521: Steps forward

Today was a milestone day.  Today I officially started the divorce process with my ex-husband.

We've been officially separated for two years this coming November.  Why has the divorce taken so long? I suppose it's partially laziness and partially the process of separating our finances.  It takes time to get through some of that stuff.  And now we find ourselves in the home stretch.

And, unlike my expectation, it wasn't overly awkward for me to see my ex.  He looked good.  Healthier than when I last saw him.  I could tell though, he was nervous, .  He was twitchy in ways that only someone intimate would notice.  I found it interesting (in a social experiment kind of way) to realize that even though I haven't seen him in 19 months, I could still very much read his actions.  He was nervous and uncomfortable.

This realization made me reflect upon my own feelings in the moment.  I wasn't nervous.  I was feeling eager to have this part of my life finalized so I could fully focus on the next chapters being written.  I was feeling curious when I realized that some of his twitches that irritated me throughout our 11 years together irritated me in the 90 minutes that I spent with him.  I was feeling content to hear, and know, that he was doing well and slowly building a new life for himself.  I know, that when I left him, he struggled.  Most people don't want to purposefully hurt others.  I hated knowing how much pain I put him through, but I needed (and frankly deserved) more and he simply couldn't give it to me.   Knowing now, that he's doing better, offers me some relief from that guilt I carry with me.   In the end, I truly want him to find happiness.  And while I don't believe he has opened himself up enough to truly find it just yet (at least not from what he shared with me), I do truly hope that he can.  We all deserve to be stupidly happy.

Like a race, the home stretch can sometimes feel like the toughest part to work through.  As we processed through our paperwork, my finish line seemed to get further away from me.  It's like that never ending hallway The Shining.  (Okay, maybe not quite as horrific, but I think you get the point!)  After 22 months, I just want this book to be completed, bound up and tucked away.  Time to look forward and not back anymore.

What we found out was that the divorce process is a two step process that entails of first getting a certificate of clearance to allow us to process the divorce paperwork.  (The government checks its database to see if the same parties have registered any other divorce applications.) Step one takes 8 - 10 weeks before proceeding to the second step of actually applying for divorce.  In total it will take 3 months.

Just as I thought I saw the finish line coming into view, it felt as if it were pulling away from me again.

So the divorce won't be final in a month as I had anticipated.  But when I stopped to think about why it bugged me so, I realized that it really affects nothing.  What's another two months?  They will zip by in a heartbeat.  I've already moved well beyond this part of my life.  It's just paperwork.

Steps forward are steps forward.  Not to be dismissed because there are more of them to accomplish.

Moments revisiting the past.

Moments realizing you are ever more focused on the future.