Moments D521: Steps forward

Today was a milestone day.  Today I officially started the divorce process with my ex-husband.

We've been officially separated for two years this coming November.  Why has the divorce taken so long? I suppose it's partially laziness and partially the process of separating our finances.  It takes time to get through some of that stuff.  And now we find ourselves in the home stretch.

And, unlike my expectation, it wasn't overly awkward for me to see my ex.  He looked good.  Healthier than when I last saw him.  I could tell though, he was nervous, .  He was twitchy in ways that only someone intimate would notice.  I found it interesting (in a social experiment kind of way) to realize that even though I haven't seen him in 19 months, I could still very much read his actions.  He was nervous and uncomfortable.

This realization made me reflect upon my own feelings in the moment.  I wasn't nervous.  I was feeling eager to have this part of my life finalized so I could fully focus on the next chapters being written.  I was feeling curious when I realized that some of his twitches that irritated me throughout our 11 years together irritated me in the 90 minutes that I spent with him.  I was feeling content to hear, and know, that he was doing well and slowly building a new life for himself.  I know, that when I left him, he struggled.  Most people don't want to purposefully hurt others.  I hated knowing how much pain I put him through, but I needed (and frankly deserved) more and he simply couldn't give it to me.   Knowing now, that he's doing better, offers me some relief from that guilt I carry with me.   In the end, I truly want him to find happiness.  And while I don't believe he has opened himself up enough to truly find it just yet (at least not from what he shared with me), I do truly hope that he can.  We all deserve to be stupidly happy.

Like a race, the home stretch can sometimes feel like the toughest part to work through.  As we processed through our paperwork, my finish line seemed to get further away from me.  It's like that never ending hallway The Shining.  (Okay, maybe not quite as horrific, but I think you get the point!)  After 22 months, I just want this book to be completed, bound up and tucked away.  Time to look forward and not back anymore.

What we found out was that the divorce process is a two step process that entails of first getting a certificate of clearance to allow us to process the divorce paperwork.  (The government checks its database to see if the same parties have registered any other divorce applications.) Step one takes 8 - 10 weeks before proceeding to the second step of actually applying for divorce.  In total it will take 3 months.

Just as I thought I saw the finish line coming into view, it felt as if it were pulling away from me again.

So the divorce won't be final in a month as I had anticipated.  But when I stopped to think about why it bugged me so, I realized that it really affects nothing.  What's another two months?  They will zip by in a heartbeat.  I've already moved well beyond this part of my life.  It's just paperwork.

Steps forward are steps forward.  Not to be dismissed because there are more of them to accomplish.

Moments revisiting the past.

Moments realizing you are ever more focused on the future.

Moments D513: Letting Go

Today I set a date with my ex-husband to deliver our divorce paperwork to the courthouse.  In just over a week, I'll see him for the first time in over a year and a half.  We'll be cordial, possibly even pleasant with one another, after all, I know we've both moved on.  That being said, I'm certain that it will still be uncomfortable and somewhat awkward.

But that's okay.

It's taken longer than I expected to see this day come.  Complications with rollovers being the major reason, laziness on following up and pushing it forward myself also played a minor roll.  (After all, it's easy to simply stick your head in the sand and ignore it!)

For those that really know me, know that I calenderize everything in my life.  Hell, there are times that my BFF sends me an email after us booking a concert saying "Where's my appointment girl?". Always amusing, but she's bang on.

For years, I've had my wedding anniversary on my calendar.  I've also had the day of our engagement on my calendar.  Last week marked what would have been our 10th anniversary.  Given that today I set the date to finalize my divorce paperwork (after being separated for nearly 2 years), I felt it fitting to finally pull those dates off the calendar.  It's time to let those slip away into the memory murkiness.  It's like having an old novel that you know you won't read again.  Time to archive it and let the details of the story slip away.

As sad as that may sound, it feels like a cloud lifting away from me.  Now, I'm certain that I'll have even more room in my heart, mind and soul for the love I find myself immersed in!  Bring on the new novel filled with adventures.

Moments reflecting upon the past.

Moments feeling good about letting it go.