Moments D728: When the quiet settles in

Today Heini came home from her family and duties keeping her busy since her father's death. I've kept in touch with her over the past week and a half and she's been strong and focused. She's been busy with the details and making sure everyone was okay.
And now, it was time for her to return home and dive back into her life. 

EQ & I picked her up from the airport and as soon as she saw us I could see the tears in her eyes. She swore at herself for breaking down, saying "....for F!@* sake, I was talking about the death of my father on the plane just fine!"

But that's different. That's still somewhat removed.

Now, now she is home, being hugged by people she knows and loves. Now she's heading home to dive back in, as though things were the same as before, only they are no longer the same as before.

I don't know what it's like to lose a father, I am fortunate in that mine has fought through his various illnesses over the years. I can tell you being this close to Heini's pain has had me pause and think about that moment and it's one that I can not easily imagine. On some level, there must be a feeling of being lost. (At least for me it would manifest that way.)

Knowing that my dear friend would be struggling upon her return to "real life", EQ and I stopped in for one last check in with her kitty before we headed to the airport to pick her up. Of course kitty received the royal treatment, food, water, cleanup and some love. But we also left Heini a surprise in her refridgerator: A pretty bouquet of flowers with a card to remind her just how much she is loved, appreciated and that she was not alone.

After a tearful dropoff and an exhange of hugs EQ and I made our way home for a late dinner. Only a few minutes into our drive home did we receive her text thanking us for the flowers and supportive words. In her darkness, she was smiling.

Job done.

As the quiet settles in, I can only hope in the days to come that she finds a small sense of comfort when she looks to the flowers. She is not alone.

Moments celebrating the life of an amazing man.
Moments celebrating the life of his amazing daughter.

Moments D716 & Moment D717: Treasure Coaching, thank you Bob

This blog post is the first time I'm combining two days.  There are simply too many threads between the two days and the two moments.  I had started to write yesterday's moment, after school, before I got the news last night. I will share it all, but first, yesterday's moment:

Yesterday was a challenging day for me.  I've been missing EQ as he's been away on business for the last two weeks with another yet another week to go.   Add in a couple of missteps, a three hour time difference and suddenly the space between us was overwhelming.

I turned to Heini for some moral support and guidance through what felt like an emotional mine field.  She reminded me that it's okay to be feeling the separation and it's okay for me to deal with the flood of emotions on my time.  She also reminded me that it's important to stick up for my needs and to keep the lines of communication open. She signed off with a reminder of my value and sent me "a zillion more hugs and love as [my] Treasure Coach."

I had forgotten this term of endearment for Heini.  When I went through my separation 2.5 years ago, she was one of my pillars of strength.  As I walked through my new single life, floundering, lost, she kept gently pushing me to better connect with myself.  She insisted that I saw my value and that I wouldn't settle for anything less than exactly what I needed.  As I walked through one of the darkest times in my life, she was there, reminding me that I deserved to be cherished, honoured and loved.

And yesterday, she gently reminded me of that.  It brought a warmth to my aching-I-can't-connect-with-EQ-heart.

And then, last night happened.  After class, I was just about to get myself ready for bed and I finally checked my phone for updates in the world.

Heini had called six times.

I knew that wasn't for me and my aching heart and that something was wrong.

Her text said it all.

"I'll call you in a minute - dads in intensive care. Can you look after kitty? I'm flying in the morning. It's not looking good."

That text came in while I was in class, nearly 4.5 hours earlier.  I immediately called her.  Sick that I had been sorrowful enough to ignore my world  and, in this case, my dear sweet friend in need.

When she answered, I didn't even say hi, I simply asked if I should come over.  There was no real conversation as within the next three minutes I was out the door and on my way to her place.

I can't tell you how grateful I was to be there for her in those last moments of her father's life.  The raw emotion as realizations set in, as I watched her share those insights via phone calls between sisters, her mother and her aunt.  She was strong, focused on getting the job done, but I knew that she was heartbroken at the unexpected turn of events.

This all leads into today's moment.

Heini and I spent the evening and early morning hours with preparing her for her trip and the coming days.  Along the way, we walked through old photos, shared stories and even had a good belly laugh or two.  Of course there were tears, but through it all we were celebrating the life of an incredible man.

As long as I've known Heini (which is pushing into the second decade now!), she has always been looking for her father's approval.  (Who doesn't?)  She always questioned whether or not he was proud of her.  When that surfaced in our chats,  it was one moment I knew I could help her find some comfort.

In November 2012, Arizona & I spent a few days with Heini's parents.  We had a chance to really spend some quality time with them over meals.  One of the things that was very obvious was just how proud Heini's father was of her. He spoke of her fondly and he was insistent that Arizona and I participated in the weekly family phone call between the three of them.  (What a treat that was!)

The entire time that Arizona & I were there, Heini's father was one proud parent.

And so, I shared this memory with Heini.  Though tears filled her eyes, I could see that the story brought her some comfort.

Earlier this morning I drove Heini to the airport.  On the way, we shared more stories about father and we anointed today "the day of Bob".    Why not, right?

After a tearful, hug filled drop-off, Heini was on her way to her Mom and I was on my way home.  It was a pretty sunrise, so I stopped and took a few pictures and shared them over with Heini and we labelled it: "Sunrise of Bob."

So today's moment, I celebrate Bob.  I thank Bob for raising such a beautiful person as Heini, for only just yesterday she was, yet again, a rock for me. I thank Bob for seeding such inspiring ideals and for instilling such strength into my dear sweet friend.

Thank you Bob.
Thank you Heini.

Moments leaning on your friends.
Moments letting your friends lean on you.

Moments D683: Saying I love you

Today has been a rough day.  It was filled with heavy hearts all around as news broke late in the morning.  Devastating news.  A young, filled with life, well loved coworker had succumbed to injuries from an apartment fire the night before.

There was shock.  Disbelief.  And, of course, great sadness and many, many tears.

But the moment that shone through all this was one where I watched my fellow coworkers comfort one another.  Shared stories and photos of the deceased fluttered throughout the store - it was heartwarming in a time of grief.

The best moment, however, was when I watched two long-term employees embrace one another.  Within a couple of seconds, one backed up and looked at the other and said, "I love you, you know."  The look on the recipient's face was of surprise, likely taken aback by the sharing of such special words.  She quickly pulled him in for a tighter hug and returned the same special sentiment right back.

It was a beautiful moment shining through the deepest darkness.

Moments grieving a life lost.
Moments inspired by that life to celebrate love amoung friends and coworkers.

Moments D622: Celebrate Life

Today was a rough day as pieces of bad news made their way to me.   An old respected and loved colleague of mine lost his battle with lung cancer yesterday.  A team mate of mine lost his mother.  Another friend struggles with an ailing father.

Each a message was a reminders that life is short.  That we need to do what we can to shape each day into one that is meaningful.

So tonight, even though I was tired and would have liked to tuck in early, EQ & I ventured out for dinner with friends who were heading home tomorrow.  I'm glad that I did, for we shared a lot of laughs and stories of life, death and progress.  In the big picture, we celebrated their successes from the weekend, which is no small feat given that I've heard how challenging the training course is.

Post dinner, EQ and I celebrated life again on our own, by taking some time for just the two of us.  It was perfect. We celebrated life, the milestones we have accomplished and those we are about to set.

Moments that remind you of the fragility of life.

Moments grabbing hold and living a little more.

Moments D585: Peace at last

Today my Grandmother passed away.  She was the last of my living grandparents.  That alone is a strange notion.  After all, life is always moving forward.  This now means that my father is the eldest of the family.  Of course, that also shines a bright light upon his mortality as well.  All the more reason to

For me, my heart is accepting of the news.  It's partially because I didn't know her well as she and Grandpa lived on Manitoulin Island for most of my childhood and early adult years.  It's also because the woman I knew has been gone for years, lost to Alzheimer's.

For my father, of course, that's a different story.  As the current patriarch of the family, he lost his mother and the last link to that generation.  Being the executor of Grandma's estate, he also found himself tied up with lots of phone calls and logistics right out of the gate.

The moment today comes from when I was finally able to connect with my Dad on the phone.  I was a touch worried that he was in "get-the-job-done" mode and not really processing the news.  So I tentatively explored that with him.

He's sad.  There's no doubt about that.  He's also relieved that Grandma has found peace at last.  The past two years in particular have been challenging with Grandma (and for him) and it's been a painful, emotional ride to have watched his mother deteriorate as she did.  I didn't realize this (because he shared few details when I've asked of Grandma), but Grandma wasn't eating solid foods any more and she's had a couple of terrible seizures in the past few months.  In other words, there have been signs that the end was nearing.

For my Dad, he finds comfort in knowing that Grandma is at peace now, that she'll suffer no more.

For a brief moment, my father and I re-visited our opinions on euthanasia and how he hopes that he'll have to experience what my grandmother went through.  He even shared with me that Grandma feared the disease that eventually consumed her and that had there been options, she never would have suffered as she did.

Nature took over and now she is at peace.

Our family is thankful for that.  We will always celebrate the woman she once was.

Moments of death.

Moments celebrating a life.

Moments D577: A daughter's letters to her Father

Today my friend posted one of the most heart warming and heart wrenching posts to Facebook I think I've ever seen.  Her father passed away on Monday and the family has begun to clean up his belongings, they came across something that was incredibly touching.

This is what her mother found:  

It is a letter my friend had written to her dad when she was 11.  It was found in her father's night stand.  He had saved it there, close to him and obviously treasured, for over 30 years.

I was so very touched by her sharing this moment in her life.  I immediately thought of the notes and poems I have written my own father over the years.  I couldn't help but share the posting out loud with those in earshot of my office.  The flood of emotion from each person listening was incredible.  

Our AD shared that he too has saved all of his daughter's cards and notes.  After a lengthy pause of reflection, he continued to share that he sometimes thought he was being silly saving these pieces, but now, having heard my friends story, he's decided to keep on saving these special moments from his daughter.

One man's death has touched many (as witnessed by the busy wake last night).  Today, he's touched a few more well outside his circle.  And, in the end, he's likely inspired a moment to be felt and shared many years from now when our AD's daughter finds, and realizes, just how much her words were treasured by her father.

Moments sharing intimate, emotional thoughts.

Moments knowing that share has inspired another intimate emotional moment.

Moments D349: Black Smoke

On my typical route home from work today, I passed by a neighbourhood cemetery. Now I don’t typically notice the cemetery on my drive home. I know it’s there, I know that in the fall the trees on its grounds were beautiful with colour, but beyond that, I haven’t paid it much attention.

Today as I slowed for the backed up traffic at the stop light, I noticed billowing black smoke coming from the tiny little building on the cemetery grounds. It wasn’t soft and fluffy smoke. This is the type of deep dark black smoke that one expects to see pouring out of a factory chimney, not from a tiny building in the middle of the city with residential homes nearby.

As I idled at the red light, I also noticed that there was a handful of white cars in the cemetery and for the first time in over a year, I read the sign to the entrance of the cemetery - it’s a cemetery cremaotorium. Why I didn’t know this or notice this before surprised me.

And in that moment I paused, gave thanks to the person who has passed on and sent positive energy into the universe for those left behind.

And then the light turned green and I was heading on my way again.

A couple of minutes at a stop light, watching someone be cremated. It was a good reminder of what is important in life.

Moments pondering life and death.

Moments - D18; Death & Baptisms

Today started early for me - 4:50am. I was on a train to Ottawa leaving at 6:40am. Coffee in hand, I fully intended on sleeping on the train. Two hours into the trip and the train comes to a halt.

There's been a tragic accident ahead of us. Someone trying to run across the tracks was struck and killed by the train heading to Toronto. How incredibly sad. Overall we were delayed by 2.5 hours by this incident. Long enough for the woman sitting behind me to miss the baptism that she was headed to. Life and death. Present. The cycle of the world us ever present today with me.

It was a big reminder to live everyday to its fullest. To be true. To be open.

Death and Life.

After a day of relaxing and catching up we were sitting on the balcony enjoying the spring air. The clouds were a stunning swirl of colour, layers and textures. The sun breaking through and its rays bathing the sky in warmth. It was a beautiful moment. And in that extended moment, I thanked the universe for all that I am fortunate to have in my life. For today, someone's family is mourning. I am fortunate. I am surrounded in love and light.

Moments to reflect.

Moments to remind.

Allergic Reactions & Reflections

This week has been a strange, surreal kind of week for me.  From an allergic reaction to hair dye (yes it's official, I won't be dying my hair again any time soon!) to my Dad being in the hospital for an emergency surgery.


You wouldn't think the two things are related, but they really are.  I mean, to what point do we chase keeping our youth?   After reading about the dangers of dark hair dyes in the market, I think it's time for me to give up the chase.  My Mom looks FANTASTIC with her silver hair and I know a few other women who rock it out too.  Is white really the new black? It seems I'm not alone with this creeping allergy to permanent hair dyes.  I didn't have such an extreme reaction as some, but I did end up with a rash on my forehead and swollen lymph nodes.  Seriously.  Scary and worth pause.

My occipital lymph nodes were VERY swollen and I'm sure a few in my neck were as well.  It's been 5 days since I dyed my hair, and my occipital lymph nodes are still swollen.  Thankfully, they are starting to return back to normal, but it's still 5 days of torturing my lymph nodes.  When one's lymph nodes get angry because you are looking for cooler hair, well, I think it's time to take a step back and reflect on things.  One's lymph nodes are designed to fight foreign particles out of one's body.  They are one of the first line of defence for pathogens, infections and germs.  This is not something I want to be messing up!  I guess I'm going to have to go back to my natural colour.  Who the heck knows what colour that even is!  Then again, maybe I'll do a little research on more natural hair dyes.  I'm not certain I'm ready to cold cold turkey.  In the meantime, I'm also searching for ways to help support my struggling lymph nodes. Stay tuned!  

Fast forward to Tuesday morning when my Dad was admitted into the the hospital dealing with an emergency surgery.   Seeing your father lying in the ICU is a scary place to be.  This is a situation that causes you to take pause and reflect on one's life.  

I've had two opportunities this week to really reflect upon what's really important in my life.  Thankfully, I'm surrounded by many loving souls that easily remind me.  Family.  Friends.   So here's a shout out to those that have sent their prayers, positive energy and love to my family and I.  

Then, Steve Jobs passed away and the internet lit up with some of his favourite quotes.  One in particular really stood out to me.  This was part of Steve Jobs' address to the graduating class at Stanford University….

"Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

May you all sleep well tonight knowing that you've had a moment to pause and reflect upon your life and find what is truly important to you.  Follow your hearts.