Moments D618: Expectations, opportunity and thanks

This morning I woke early, on my typical daily schedule.  I was wide awake at 4:45 am PST (7:45 am EST)  - a normal rising time for me.  That's not supposed to happen on New Year's Day.  Isn't everyone supposed to sleep in and enjoy a lazy morning in bed instead?  Apparently that wasn't meant to be for me.

I also didn't want to wake EQ as he had to work today.  He wasn't due to rise for a couple of hours, so I decided to inhale the quiet of the morning and start the New Year with the sunrise on my own.

Just after 6am, I ventured out into the brisk quiet morning.  My plan, go for a walk, watch the sunrise and spend some time in with the sun before heading back home.  I brought the novel I was reading with me ("The Sister's Brothers - I recommend!) to help pass the time.

The briskness surprised me and I was happy to have bundled up before I left.  The first thing I noticed when I started on my morning adventure was that the howling coyotes in the distance.  What an eerie, beautiful song they sang.

As started my walk the sky slowly started it's shift in colour.  Most interesting was to listen to the still morning as the coyotes quieted and the roosters took over singing as the sky began to brighten.  A changing of the guard if you will.

I didn't expect to start my day with the sun breaking the horizon.  I didn't certainly didn't expect to start my year walking alone in the briskness of dawn.    What I realized in those early moments of my walk, was that sometimes expectations cause inflexibility or kill one's creativity.  In the worst scenarios, expectations can also cause you to miss a new opportunity thrown at you unexpectedly.

As I continued my walk, I pondered this conundrum.  Life is filled with expectations.  We all have them.  Expectations of family, of friends, of other people in our circles (or just outside our circle), with our jobs and our co-workers, and how we as individuals present ourselves to the world.

I walked swiftly to keep warm and toiled with this concept, rolling it around in my mind.  One really cannot live without expectations, after all that's like living without goal.  So the key then, in my opinion, was to find a way to keep balance with expectations so that they don't cause inflexibility.  Brilliant.  Not mind blowing, considering balance is the key to a lot of things.  The bigger point is to find the trick is to sort out how to keep that balance.

Talk about deep thoughts so early in the day, this the first of 2014.  I couldn't help but think back to a year ago today where I had also found myself waking to expectations that had been blown of the water.  I remember feeling crushed and uncertain of the path ahead of me.  And yet as that first day of 2013 progressed, I felt more confident in my path forward, challenging as it was.

I quickly found myself overwhelmed with ghosts.  So much has transpired since that moment.  And today is the start of another year and I could feel that I was yet again at a crossroad of expectations.  My mind heavy with thought, I paused to enjoy the calm of two horses playing with one another.

I needed that pause.  In that moment, the warmth of the sun began to break through the chill of the morning. With that moment came the realization just how much I had learned in a year.  My personal growth has deepened and I owe much, if not all of that growth, to the people I have surrounded myself with.    And that was my moment today.  Feeling grateful.  Being excited by the future and what I will be sharing with them moving forward.

So, if you'll bear with me, I'm going to take some time to thank them.  Yes, today's blog is a novel.  For those to expecting a solution to my original thought - you can stop reading here.  I never did figure out a solution to keep the balance between expectations and being flexible.  I guess I have something to chew on for days to come!  What can I say, I was completely distracted by the amazing circle I have around me and I took rest of my time alone, at the beginning of the year, to pause and appreciate them.

In the end, it's been a hell of a day, and a hell of a start to 2014 and I want, nay I need to share a little love and thank my friends for the opportunities they've given me to grow this past year.

Arizona.  What a strong, beautiful woman you are. Our friendship is relatively new, but it is a deep friendship.  You have offered me many new perspectives in the ever changing world I find myself in.  Thank you for sharing with me.

Archie & Comic Guy.  My besties. A couple that has been in my life for a very long time.  First I love them as individuals for they have unique perspectives that I love from each of them.  Second, I love them as a couple.  I truly don't know where I'd be without the two of you.  Thank you for always picking me up when I falter, for kicking my ass (not so gently) and for helping me navigate some tricky waters in the past year.

BFF.  Through thick and thin we've been.  Tears, music, anger, joy, milestones and then some.  What an incredible colourful journey it's been my dear friend.  Thank you for recognizing the value of our friendship, for fighting daemons (of your own and mine) to keep our friendship strong.  I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from mistakes made in 2013 for I know it means our friendship will grow ever deeper and more meaningful.

Bunny & Bear. Long time friends.  I've worked with, schooled with, and spent many interesting evenings with Bear.  When he married Bunny, it was a most special day to watch them unit.  They are an incredible couple with two amazing young lads.  Thank you both for sharing your individual brightness with me as well as that of your beautiful family.  I know, without a doubt that you always have my back.

Cherry.  A work colleague come friend.  Thank you for commiserating with me as we processed through similar life milestones this past year. I look forward to a continued friendship with your and your new beau.

Chica.  A fellow co-worker that I adore.  You are proof that even someone old like me can learn from a young thing like you.  (Not that I'm ageist at all!) Thank of for your endless positive energy and for reminding me that life is too short.  I love your perspective on life and appreciate that positive, self-respecting version of the world around you.  I will continue to try and incorporate more of that into my world.

Co-workers.  Thank you for making every work day easier to get out of bed for.  You are an amazing hard working, inspiringly creative crew.  I'm thankful every day.

Hawk.   Thank you for for the biggest learning opportunity of all this past year.  We have shared and lost much together over this past year.  My hope is that you find deep happiness in the years to come.

Heini. A friend with nearly 2 decades of history.  Over the years we have battled many daemons together.  What I have always loved was that you offer your insightful opinions without judgement.  You have always listened, understood, respected and supported me even when the path chosen was one you didn't agree with.  The truest, deepest mark of a best friend.  Thank you for loving me and supporting me through many of life's trials.  I have learned a lot from our friendship.

MooCow.  A new friend, adopted from EQ's circle. An amazing huge heart, ready to help out at a moments notice.  Such a wonderful energy to be a part of.  Thank you for accepting me into your world.

Mr. B.  A co-worker that I call friend.  He's nearly my father's age, but I don't see him as a father figure.  I see him for his brilliance and experience.  A true mentor and friend to me (even if he does get me in trouble sometimes!).  Thank you for all the insights you share with me.  I am a sponge to your words.

My Family:  One big thank you to envelope each of you with a hug filled with love. There are many entries in my daily blog that speak to just how important you are to me.  I am so very fortunate to have such an amazing family. 

My team mates. Baseball, volleyball, boot camp and tough mudders.  Thank you all for keeping me moving, growing and learning as an athlete.  It feels great knowing that even being nearly 40 I still have some moves to share back.

SILIS & Sunshine-Unicorns&Rainbows.  A couple from EQ's circle who have graciously accepted me into their world.  They have brought many a smile to me over this past year.  Thank you for welcoming me in your home just last night for an amazing meal and to celebrate the turn of the year.  I'm sure we'll see many more celebrations in the years to come.

To all of my new sky diving friends:  What an incredible bunch you are!  So diverse, so welcoming, so filled with life.  Thank you for sharing a sliver of your world with me.

Tree & Baldr.  New friends also from EQ's circle.  New friends that, at once, I felt at home with.   Thank you for the acceptance and love you have shared with me already.  Like long lost souls that have finally had an opportunity to reunite.  I'm excited about the possibilities in the years to come for our blooming friendship.

To everyone else in my world that I haven't specifically called out, thank you for crossing my path and for sharing a piece of you with me.  Each moment shared is an opportunity for me to learn and grow.

And last, but certainly not least, my dear sweet love - EQ.  Never has someone been allowed so deep into my being.  Thank you for turning your twinkling eyes my way.  How you ever found me I will never know, but I am grateful every day that you did.  You make it easy (okay, easier!) to share the deepest parts of me.  Thank you for your patience, for your love and for building a strong foundation for our future together.

And there you have it.  My little novella that will bore most.  For me, it's a perfect way to start 2014, with reflection of the past and the excitement of the future ahead of me.

Moments where one's mind goes in many directions, only to circle back to that which is most important.

Moments enjoying the promise of a new day, and the opportunity to dig ever deeper thanks to those in your life.

Moments D582: Whispering Ghosts

We all have a past and stories that have shaped our present and make us who we are today.  Some of those experiences are beautiful, joyful moments.  Some are nothing short of horrific.  Everyone has ghosts.

Sometimes the ghosts become our guardians.  Those ghosts give us a sense of self, a sense of security and bring a smile to our faces.  On the other hand, there are also ghosts that haunt us.  Ghosts that whisper to us and convince us (sometimes without being aware) to act in ways that we later question our own behaviours and who we really are.

Today my "big sister" shared with me how she finally looked her whispering ghost in the eye and told it that she was going to fight back.  Over 18 years of trying to ignore the ghost haunting her and how its whispers affect her perspectives on parts of her life, she is now ready to work on ridding herself of the constant taunting.

She shared with me how this past weekend shared the story with her children.  I know only too well how hard it was for her to share this part of her past.  An unpleasant part of her past that bore this particular ghost.  I couldn't be more proud of her as she walked me through her story from the weekend.

Admitting that you have a whispering ghost taunting you is really only the first step.  I know that there will be many a challenging day ahead for my big sis as she faces her daemon head on.  It will be a challenge, but she is not alone in her battle.  Awareness brings her solidarity.  She is surrounded by the love of her family.

Moments hearing a story that warms your soul because you know just how big a step forward was taken.

Moments surrounding those you love with bright positive energy so that they can fight against their whispering ghosts.

Moments D427: Life is for living, not for ghosts

Today was a rather intense day.  I'm not sure where all the emotions surfaced from, but I do know that a lot of them started because of ghosts of the past.  The distant past, the near past, the very near past.  Conversations had throughout the day with Arizona and EQ brought much to the surface again.  As I watch Arizona struggle to find her place with her own complicated relationship, I am reminded of my own long-term relationship that I walked away from.  Discussing and sharing with EQ to give perspective on the past couple of years and then couple of months, stirred emotions deep within.

Reflecting now, I know that subconsciously the stirring also comes from the fact that I was scheduled to meet up with my old neighbour tonight.  It's the first time I've been back to my old 'hood since my life shifted.  I know (now) that I was nervous about that.  There was much to catch up on.  It's been nearly 1.5 years now since I've been by my old home and  in my old neighbourhood.  Was I ready to see the house I once owned and fell in love with and where I fell out of love with the life I was living? I worried about how I'd feel looking at my carefully planned front garden bed. After all, last summer I couldn't bring myself to drive by to see it. Top that off with the fact that my delightful ex-neighbour has been fighting breast cancer for the past 8 months and well, it's a highly emotionally charged moment.  Life.  Near death.  Life.

When I arrived, the new home owner was outside speaking to my ex-neighbour.  She's absolutely delightful and she expressed just how much she loves living in my old home.  When I left 1.5 years ago, my BFF and I wished the house well, and asked it to please offer the next owner as much love and light as it could.  To continue to be a happy home, but to be a home filled with more love.  The new owner loves her home, I can't help be feel a touch responsible for that (ego perhaps?)  I couldn't have asked for more.  She offered a tour, but I politely declined.  In that moment when I declined, I thought to myself:  "why did I do that?"  I realized, I was barely looking at "my" beautiful front garden as well.  Instead of my energy going to the past, all of my energy was focused on my ex-neighbour - SHE LOOKED INCREDIBLE.

After a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation (all in the last 8 months) she looked AMAZING.  My energy and focus was all with her.  As we went into her house and sat in the back yard (I won't lie) I peeked over her fence into my old back yard.  The natural cedar now stained, the fountain trickling away, there was a moment of pang; I missed my backyard.  And then my ex-neighbour handed me a glass of the prosecco I brought (to celebrate her success in kicking cancer), and I knew that the ghosts of my past were really behind me.  I looked at her and said, I miss my backyard, and my awesome bathtub, but you know, I've never been happier, and I know that I can always do something as spectacular or better.  And I gave her another hug and repeated the obvious - that she looked incredible.  

And if I might, because the words are beautiful and thoughtful, EQ's perspective of the moment was this:

"...you [will] look at your old flowerbeds, feel a bit wistful, and then smile because you know you're on a new path in life, and you've left a small bit of beauty behind for others to tend to and enjoy. Seeds planted, new life all around."

I couldn't agree more.

During the rest of my visit, the fact that I was sitting outside of my old home slowly vanished away.  It's a piece of me and it always will be, but I realized at one point in our evening that life is for the living.  For looking forward and planning for that future.  I can't look back any more, nor can I regret any steps I've made in my life.  Each and every step makes me who I am today and while some of those lessons learned were not easy, they were all necessary.  Today, I find myself to be a much more strong and independent person than I've ever been.  Yes, life is for the living, not for the ghosts of my past.

So today's moment:  I celebrate life.  The fight for life, the amazing people that continue to cross my path and bring me inspiration and love and light.  My ex-neighbour, a fighter, but also a woman with a soft kind soul that would give you the shirt of her back if you needed it more than she did.  I'm fortunate to continue to have her in my life and I can honestly say I look forward to our next girlie-night-catch-up.  Hopefully not 1.5 years from now!

Moments of internal commotion of emotion....calming into eddies.

Moments that paint the bigger picture in bright beautiful colour.