Moments D427: Life is for living, not for ghosts

Today was a rather intense day.  I'm not sure where all the emotions surfaced from, but I do know that a lot of them started because of ghosts of the past.  The distant past, the near past, the very near past.  Conversations had throughout the day with Arizona and EQ brought much to the surface again.  As I watch Arizona struggle to find her place with her own complicated relationship, I am reminded of my own long-term relationship that I walked away from.  Discussing and sharing with EQ to give perspective on the past couple of years and then couple of months, stirred emotions deep within.

Reflecting now, I know that subconsciously the stirring also comes from the fact that I was scheduled to meet up with my old neighbour tonight.  It's the first time I've been back to my old 'hood since my life shifted.  I know (now) that I was nervous about that.  There was much to catch up on.  It's been nearly 1.5 years now since I've been by my old home and  in my old neighbourhood.  Was I ready to see the house I once owned and fell in love with and where I fell out of love with the life I was living? I worried about how I'd feel looking at my carefully planned front garden bed. After all, last summer I couldn't bring myself to drive by to see it. Top that off with the fact that my delightful ex-neighbour has been fighting breast cancer for the past 8 months and well, it's a highly emotionally charged moment.  Life.  Near death.  Life.

When I arrived, the new home owner was outside speaking to my ex-neighbour.  She's absolutely delightful and she expressed just how much she loves living in my old home.  When I left 1.5 years ago, my BFF and I wished the house well, and asked it to please offer the next owner as much love and light as it could.  To continue to be a happy home, but to be a home filled with more love.  The new owner loves her home, I can't help be feel a touch responsible for that (ego perhaps?)  I couldn't have asked for more.  She offered a tour, but I politely declined.  In that moment when I declined, I thought to myself:  "why did I do that?"  I realized, I was barely looking at "my" beautiful front garden as well.  Instead of my energy going to the past, all of my energy was focused on my ex-neighbour - SHE LOOKED INCREDIBLE.

After a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation (all in the last 8 months) she looked AMAZING.  My energy and focus was all with her.  As we went into her house and sat in the back yard (I won't lie) I peeked over her fence into my old back yard.  The natural cedar now stained, the fountain trickling away, there was a moment of pang; I missed my backyard.  And then my ex-neighbour handed me a glass of the prosecco I brought (to celebrate her success in kicking cancer), and I knew that the ghosts of my past were really behind me.  I looked at her and said, I miss my backyard, and my awesome bathtub, but you know, I've never been happier, and I know that I can always do something as spectacular or better.  And I gave her another hug and repeated the obvious - that she looked incredible.  

And if I might, because the words are beautiful and thoughtful, EQ's perspective of the moment was this:

"...you [will] look at your old flowerbeds, feel a bit wistful, and then smile because you know you're on a new path in life, and you've left a small bit of beauty behind for others to tend to and enjoy. Seeds planted, new life all around."

I couldn't agree more.

During the rest of my visit, the fact that I was sitting outside of my old home slowly vanished away.  It's a piece of me and it always will be, but I realized at one point in our evening that life is for the living.  For looking forward and planning for that future.  I can't look back any more, nor can I regret any steps I've made in my life.  Each and every step makes me who I am today and while some of those lessons learned were not easy, they were all necessary.  Today, I find myself to be a much more strong and independent person than I've ever been.  Yes, life is for the living, not for the ghosts of my past.

So today's moment:  I celebrate life.  The fight for life, the amazing people that continue to cross my path and bring me inspiration and love and light.  My ex-neighbour, a fighter, but also a woman with a soft kind soul that would give you the shirt of her back if you needed it more than she did.  I'm fortunate to continue to have her in my life and I can honestly say I look forward to our next girlie-night-catch-up.  Hopefully not 1.5 years from now!

Moments of internal commotion of emotion....calming into eddies.

Moments that paint the bigger picture in bright beautiful colour.