Moments D738: Juggling means knowing your limits

It's been a long time since I have be available to write!  My how time flies.  I know, I've not kept my promise, but I honestly did not expect to be as busy as I was while in school.  Looking back, I was a bit mad to take 6 core courses at the same time with the same level of expectation.  It was not only mentally challenging, but it was a challenge to manage priorities for each of the classes.  Given that they were all fourth year classes, I'm proud to share that not only did I survive the semester, I managed to maintain my GPA.  (Though secretly, I am hoping to bump it up come the last fall semester course in September!)

What was my biggest take-away from my first full time semester of school as an adult?  I think it was admitting to myself that I couldn't do it all.  I had to triage and pick & choose my projects and time spent working on certain aspects of class work.  For example, there were many group projects over the semester (too many honestly!) and my course load necessitated that I could not offer the time commitment to take the reins and manage the group.  In one particular case, that was a completely disastrous decision (we failed the project).  In another, it was smooth sailing and we ended up with an A on the project.  Further, there were projects that I realized I simply would not have the time I would have liked to research or dedicate to in depth editing.  How incredibly hit and miss and all I could do was go with the flow.  I learned to accept that I could offer no more within the time constraints, given that I often had conflicting priorities.  It was the 80/20 rule working in real life.  For the most part, it served me well.

The bigger question, I realize looking back, is can I really dial my style back to 80/20?  I'm not so sure.  While I see the value in it, I always felt like things were not finished to the best of my ability....and the grades definitely reflected that.  After all an A- (or B+) is simply not as impressive as an A+.  Still, does it matter?  No, not really.  That comes from a place of ego.  I like knowing that I've exhausted my tool set and done my best.  Is that wrong?  Some would say yes, it's inefficient.  Others would suggest that it becomes a creative driving force.  Me, I'm still on the fence about it.  (That's the joy of life, always learning and growing.)

These past five months have zipped by.  I left my job of 13 years so I could go back to school full time and get my degree finally completed.  I managed to successfully complete a tough full time semester of school, married the man I love and photographed the first ever Wingsuit World Cup Performance Flying competition.  It's been a whirlwind 5 months and as the sixth month of the year begins, I am ready to embark on my next adventures, including a new job with a company that has been seen as “the competition” for the past 13 years.  It is going to be an interesting year, no doubt about that.

I've rather missed sharing my meanderings, having some quite "brain time", but time has not been my friend.  I have been chasing the clock for far too many months now and I am eager to finally have things slow down.  

Sadly, I'm afraid that things will not slow down anytime soon, though I am hopeful.  The outstanding "To Do" list feels daunting; all I can do is take it one task at a time.  The first big task – is studying for my CFP exam this coming Friday.  I am ill-prepared for it and I have the next four days for some serious cramming.  I know I have bit off more than I can chew and I’m ready for those consequences.  I can always re-write the exam in the fall….either way, it’s all very exciting, with the exam I’ll gain some insight/experience into the world of finance a little more and within two weeks I’ll start my new job, in the same industry as I’ve worked for the past 13 years.  While it will be like slipping on an old worn pair of gloves, it will be gloves being used for a new purpose.  It's exciting and frightening all at the same time, for I've never been good at selling myself and I haven’t yet had the time to determine what the best direction is for me.  A comfortable worn glove is comforting and I look forward to the challenge of understanding the industry from a new perspective.  

The next 7 months will be a lot of soul searching as EQ and I determine where/what we do in 2016.  I’ll officially have completed my degree and we will have many more options open to us.  Sometimes too many choices can be paralyzing!  All we can do is process them as they come.

I suppose that is my moment from these past five months:  recognizing that I don’t have to juggle everything all the time.  I can leave some of the balls on the ground and wait before adding more to my plate.  This is not an easy behaviour for me, but I have learned that I CAN do it.    

Moments choosing the most important projects to be juggled.  Moments knowing that you don’t have to pick up all the balls.  

Moments 737: Spring is coming....I can FEEEEEEL it

There are days when you wake it's challenging to get out of bed.  You REALLY don't want to.  Maybe the day's challenges seem overwhelming, or it's simply a drab-grey day that warrants a "pull-the-covers-over-your-head" moment.

Of course, most of us don't have the luxury of heeding the desire to stay in bed.  This morning proved to be one of those days for me.  It's a grey day and I didn't get much sleep last night with my mind racing through many (MANY) variables in my life.  When I finally did succumb to sleep, it was not the good deep sleep that a gal needs.

So yes, it was hard to get out of bed this morning for me.

And then, as the sunlight grew in intensity, I could hear the faintest chirp.  It was solo, but it was a welcome sound.  I listened for some time, as the single chirp was joined by others.  A smile crept to my tired face.  Yes, that is a sound I love dearly, the morning choir of birds praising the start of a new day.  Given that there are fewer birds in the winter, it's always a welcomed moment when the choir of birds return.

Today was that day.

As I lay there in bed a moment longer than I should have, I let myself be enveloped by the sounds of chirping birds.  Sometimes it still surprises me what can inspire a moment of calm in my often chaotic world.

Moments enjoying the sound of spring arriving.
Moment knowing that I still have the ability to pause and appreciate!

Moments 736: Water? Electricity? Who needs it?

The last few days have been challenging ones!  Oh, but what is life without a few challenges?

Saturday we lost the water in our apartment.  Yup.  Dry as a bone.  Our landlord, he was MIA.  That's the joy of renting you know, never having to worry about maintenance and renovations.  (Sadly this is not the way it is with our landlord.  With our landlord, it's a 2-3 week wait for a response on anything that needs maintenance and that's being generous.  The last few issues that popped up, EQ just took it upon himself to fix!)

Tuesday (yesterday) the city came by to look into the situation - our landlord still hasn't dropped by to check in on his three tenants!  The brilliant boys from the city, they found the problem, but they won't be able to fix it until two weeks from  now.  In the meantime, we've had permission from our next door neighbours to tap into their water and voila - water again!

And then, last night, we lost our electricity.  DOH!

What is happening to our city's infrastructure?  Falling apart I tell you.  Falling apart.

But you know what?  EQ and I had a good time with it all.  I went out and picked up 12 gallons of water (the worst was not being able to flush the toilet!).  We had lots of water (and still do actually) to make it through the week if we needed to.  We hunkered down and worked on our projects (mine for school, his for work) and barely noticed that we were missing water.  (Except when visiting the loo, then it was really, REALLY obvious!)

And last night, when the electricity went out, we didn't notice, we were already asleep!  HA.  Gotcha there infrastructure!

Moments feeling like you are camping while in the middle of the city.

Moments appreciating the finer things in life, like water and candles.

Moments 735: On fire!

I've officially been a full time student for a month now.  It has been an interesting transition going from a full-time career driven person to a student.  I've been an active working citizen since I was 15 and hey, if you include my paper-route, I was working, making money, since I was 11 years old.  So imagine, having been a part of the work force for nearly 3 decades and then suddenly not being.

Yes.  It's been an interesting transition.

But I have been enjoying it.  I'm on fire with all my classes.  Six of them actually.  I only have 7 to finish off before I'm done my degree, so there is one straggler that I'll need to take this coming fall (but only because it's not offered in the winter!).  It's so close I can IMAGINE the finish line.  Only 72 days left before 98% of my degree is DONE.  (Yes - I'm counting down!)

So how is it that I'm juggling 6 classes, marketing for a new book written by my most awesome guy and helping a friend out with his resume?  Time Management.  It's all about knowing what is coming, when it's due and how much time it's going to take to get things ready.  

So what did I do to find balance in my new world?  I created a spreadsheet.  I know, I know, I get teased all the time for "putting my life" into a spreadsheet, but hey, it works!  Six classes, colour coded with expected deliverable dates; it's a quick easy visual way to understand what is happening and how I need to focus my time.  From that quick list, I set up weekly appointments detailing out all my readings and assignments that need to be done on a weekly basis.  Whenever I have a spare moment, I have a textbook in hand reading.

So far, it's been an interesting shift.  The first week, I was lazy about it.  The second week I woke up and realized that this was real and happening and sorted myself out and started the "catch up game" with my list of "to do's".  Last week, I started four projects, three of which were due this week and one big one due next week.  It feels good to really dive in.

Yes, I'm on fire.

Here we go, blazing a trail.

Moments realizing that you have a new path.
Moments recognizing you are in the groove of that new path!

Moments 734: Year End Reflections

Time does fly, doesn't it?

My apologies for the long delay between posts, but my oh MY has it been an interesting few week and with all the emotion happening, I really have not had much energy to bring myself around to a blog post.

Forgive me?

But now, as I find myself on the eve of 2014 departing "the now", I felt the stirring to share a moment with my blog.  Perhaps the clouds are lifting and I'm more able to see the adventure ahead of me.

As 2014 comes to a close it’s hard not to sit here and reflect upon its trials and triumphs.  It feels as though there have been more trials than triumphs, but I fear I may be a bit biased based on the most recent shift in path that I've undertaken.

But, let's start at the beginning.  Perhaps together we'll find out what the year was all about.

Looking back over the year (which is something I always like to do), it's been a whirlwind.  

Moving EQ to Toronto - exciting, filled with love and adventure, but also challenging at times as we had much "new" to settle into.

Jamaica - what a beautiful family trip we had March. 

Immigration & Visas & Work:  Challenging and exciting and (who knew!) expensive!

Remembering Grandma & Grandpa:  The end of a family chapter.  This past year we buried my Dad's father....he's the last of that generation.  What a trying touching moment when my Dad shared with me, with tears in his eyes, that he is now the patriarch of the family.  I remember giving him one of the biggest hugs I've ever given him....and held it a bit longer than he wanted me to.  And I told him, if anyone, he was the best in the family to hold that title.  

Volleyball:  So much volleyball this past year!  How can I not love that?  

Fires, Car Damage & Border issues...oh my!  Yes, there were many big, disappointing, and heart breaking moments this past summer.  All growth opportunities....right?

iFly Toronto

New friends:  There have been a plethora of new friends who have come our way in this past year.  This is truly amazing.  I love the new energy and new perspectives offered.  I can't wait to get to know our new friends ever more in the coming year. 

So many CONCERTS this past year!  Elton John, Christina Perri, Lady Gaga, Nine Inch Nails, KISS & Def Leppard , One Republic, Steve Miller & Journey, PTX, Jason Mraz, ALMOST Anberlin (if they were not caught in Buffalo in the snow storm!

Competitions afar:  What an exciting weekend in Cali to celebrate the best of the best.  Here's looking to 2015 to bring that excitement to Canada.
                                                   


Cruising through Eastern Europe:  In a word:  WOW.  What an amazing adventure.  I highly recommend the trip.

Right.  I lost my job.  That was pretty painful, for a myriad of reasons.  Completely unexpected, but hey, I guess 13 years doesn't warrant a real conversation about one's career path.  (Angry?  Yup.  Still.  I'm sure it will pass.  On the bright side, I am looking forward to getting my degree done and the career adventures that await me!)

School:  As of January 12th I will be a "poor" full time student again.  It's been 21 years since the last time I was a full student.  How crazy, right?  But with only 7 courses left to finish my degree (FINALLY) it is exciting as well.  Six courses this coming semester and one next fall.  I cannot wait to celebrate that big finale!

Wedding Dresses, Invitations and planning: Yes that has been an exciting piece of our puzzle this past year.  How incredible it has been to be dreaming of our coming wedding day and building the dress I'll wear.  Next week, I'll be meeting with the dress makers to see who will make the darn thing!

Back to baking & cooking:  With all the time I've had on my hands in the past couple of weeks (post work, and pre-school), I've had a chance to enjoy a couple of days in the kitchen.  I love food and cooking, so it was a treat indeed.

Yes - a flurry of things. 

But you know what? In spite of some of the most challenging obstacles that have come my (our) way, it has been a year of growth. A a year filled with love and support. A year of laughter and positive energy, even in the darkest moments.  For this, I am grateful.  Why?

Because in this moment of reflection, I am reminded how very surrounded by such beautiful souls.  It's a moment to be grateful to all of my dearest friends, near and far. A moment to appreciate how loved I am by family and a moment knowing that EQ and I not only survived all the trials, but we were triumphant in them.

In this moment, as I ponder my year and look ahead to what is to come in 2015, I am ever grateful.

Happy New Year to all my readers! May 2015 be gentle, may it be filled with love and beauty every day for you!

Moments D733: Gentlemen

I am often surprised at things I see when I watch people passing.  Sometimes I am amused.  Sometimes I am disgusted.  Sometimes I am intrigued.  Sometimes, the most rare of times, I am inspired.  A moment where I find I have a little more appreciation for people; in general and for those close to me.

Today I watched a young man, likely in his early 20's as I was on campus, be a perfect gentleman to his girlfriend.  He opened the door for her before she walked through.  As they entered the building, she paused in the entryway and started to remove her coat.  He offered to take her purse (a large name brand bag) and helped her remove her coat.  When she went to take her obviously heavy bag back, he shrugged, shook his head no and flashed a huge smile.

With a surprised look on her face she grabbed his hand and they started on their way  Here was this young couple walking along with the young lady without her coat or bag and her boyfriend, wearing his winter jacket, carrying both her coat and her big bag.

It reminded me of my own gentleman at home.  EQ is that kind of gentleman.  At first it was strange for me to accept such lavish attentions, after all, I'm a strong independent woman.

But I cannot tell a lie, I love that he shows that respect and tenderness for me.

Moments appreciating young love with traditional the behaviour of gentleman showing respect for his partner in small mundane ways.

Moments appreciating that it feels incredible to receive (and share) that kind of respect with the one you love.

Moments D732: A new Season begins

Today was the first real snowfall of the season.  It's surprising given it's only November 15th. It is early.  Some would say too early.

To be fair, wasn't much of a snowfall, but it was cold enough that it stayed on the ground - a nice light covering.  It nicely juxtaposed with the orange of the leaves that have only just fallen to the ground.

With the change in season comes a change in focus.  I'm nearing the end of this semester and studying for my final (in only two days!).  My focus this semester has not really been on my studies, and I'm certainly feeling the pain of that now.  The time it's taking me to catch up only proves that point!  (That said, I did enjoy my time with EQ this semester!)  Studying this weekend has been a buckle-down-get-'er-done kind of weekend.  Talk about focus! 

The change in season brings another shift in focus.  As this semester comes to a close, so too does a very large chapter in my life.  Next semester, only 45 days away, I will be going back to school full time.  It's not really my choice to head back full time, but I've reached a point in my degree where I am bound by a timeline expectation from the university.  I am to be done my degree by December 2015.  In order to best make that happen, I need to take five (yes 5!) classes next semester.

Talk about a change in season!  My goal, if the powers that be allow it, is to work part-time and school full-time (essentially swap my time around!)  I barely remember a time when I did five courses at the same time.  I'm not entirely certain that my mind will be able  to manage all that information at the same time!  Fortunately I think my time management skills are 150% better now than what they were back in 1994!

It will be a change in season too because I will shift gears from immigration and jobs to planning for our wedding - just under 170 days from today.  Our ceremony will be a small, intimate gathering.  Regardless of its size, I want it to be a beautiful reflection of the amazing couple we are.  It needs to be perfect....as perfect as my partner and I are together (which is not to say we don't have our faults!  We're just perfect together!).  Invitations, a dress, a bathing suit, a reception of some kind when we get home for everyone to celebrate with us.....yes, many details to flush out yet.  I am eager to have time to focus on this frivolous celebration of our love.   I love this man like I've never known love to be before.  I look forward to celebrating us, without all of life's complications.    It will be incredible to celebrate the depth of love joy we have with one another with those we love and cherish in our lives.  

Heralding in a new season brings with it the passing of the old season.  As many are now lamenting over the distant days of summer and the brevity of our autumn,  I find myself now looking fondly back in time as well.  There is a sense of fear to look forward to the changes coming.  No, that would be a lie.  I am terrified.  I can't admit that outloud as that only makes me seem weak, but I am terrified.   This season that is coming to a close has been comfortable.  Even though it hasn't been easy, it's been comfortable and, for the most part, predictable.  Looking forward, to the season that is on my doorstep, I fear the lack of understanding of what's to come.  What will I be able to control and what must I let go uncontrolled and deal with it?

To keep it short, I fear failing.  I fear the stress that is inevitable.  I fear what that will do to my beautiful relationship.  I fear what I will (or won't) be  doing for work.  And while, for some, my need to talk about my fears seems like wasted breaths, for me, talking about them helps to take away their mystery.  Their power over me somehow falls away when I speak of them out loud.  I think it's a way for me to help create and/or fortify my White Daemons.  For me, not talking about the anxiety that is rising within me only compounds my fear.    

And so, dear readers, I have now shared my anxiety at the turn of the coming season with you.  It's another way for me to ponder how I'm feeling and how I will walk through the challenges ahead.  I know that I am strong.  I know that I will fight through the hard days and find the light at the end of this very, very long school tunnel.  No matter what, I will get it done.   (I always do!)  But that doesn't mean that I'm not anxious about it.  

It's going to be an intense winter and I'm not entirely certain I have the capacity within me to juggle as much as will be hitting me come January.

Moments feeling sad at the change in season.

Moments celebrating the season to come.

Moments D731: Your Grammy

Here is a moment I've been hanging on to.  I haven't had the time to share it, as my two year anniversary post was holding me up!

Shame on me....I know, I know.  But I'm back.

Forgive me?

This moment was inspired by a meeting between EQ and our downstairs neighbour this past summer. At one point in the meeting my neighbour complained that she's never done anything with her life, no Grammy, no accolades, no real awards to her name.  I laughed and commiserated as I haven't collected anything of that nature either.

And then EQ was brilliant.

He looked over at our neighbour's little girl, laughing in the yard with her new puppy and then back at our neighbour and without skipping a beat said:  "That is your Grammy - there is nothing more precious in the world."

Simple and to the point.  It hit hard.  Our neighbour was touched deeply at his words.

That was a inspirational moment.  One worth sharing with many.

Moments watching a complaint turn into a compliment.

Moments seeing the bigger picture.

Moments D730: Two Year Anniversary

Wow.  I'm SERIOUSLY behind in getting this post up and out to the world.  The last time I made time to add to the bottom of this milestone post, I was only a month off of when it was supposed to be posted.  Now, now it's nearly 5 months late.

April 23 marked two years of writing my blog.  If you believe me, I did actually start this post on April 23.  Shameful. I know. From posting nearly every day for two years to silence for 150 days.

How on earth does that happen?  I know it's my fault for not making the time, but I always thought I'd find/make the time "next" weekend, and....well, here we are.

First and foremost - I apologize.  I've had a few readers reach out and ask where I've been.  The long and short of it is that life has been busy and this entry was/is an important one for me.....I wanted to make sure that it was brilliant.

Why?  Well, it's a milestone.  This entry marks two years of writing my blog and I wanted to give it the respect and depth it deserved.  The pause started with the fact that I really wanted to take the time to reflect on this moment. As I began to dig deeply into it, I realized I wanted to dig a little deeper yet and share that depth, after all, that very much reflects the point of this blog.

As I gathered my thoughts to share, I was slammed with life. My final exam from the winter semester. My fiance moving to Canada. My spring condensed class (aka 14 weeks of class in 7) started, finished and then began my summer condensed class. Add in some immigration shuffling, and a few ghosts into the mix and voila, I found myself buried with life. (It happens!)

Excuses, excuses. I know. I am sorry and frankly I have missed my self-reflection moments (almost as much as I've missed my morning workouts!). My moments to pause and reflect were like a breath of fresh air at the end of the day, even on the busiest of days. From that perspective, you can imagine how busy I've been. No real time to stop, pause and breathe.

Now, not only will my anniversary, milestone post not be brilliant, the delay of 5 months likely means not many will read it.  Ah well, lesson learned.

Today, that changes. Today I finish up this post. Today I make a new promise to myself (and my readers I suppose, if any remain!), that I will continue with my blog, albeit not on a daily basis. As fall settles in (and I work away at my 35th class!), I find myself with much remaining on our plate for the coming months as EQ & I settle into our new life together. I hope, that we’ll find calm as fall turns into winter. (Hey, a girl can dream, right?) The point: I promise to not take another five months to post again!

My goal is to post at least once a week. When time allows, I’ll post more often (I do miss writing!), but realistically, I think once a week should be manageable.

Back to point.

THIS blog post is about a milestone anniversary. Two years of posts. Of course, I can't help but reflect at a milestone such as this, afterall, I didn’t know if I had it in me to keep dedicated to the goal I had set out for myself. The internalized goal: commit to write a blog-a-day for a year.  That's all it was to be.  A one year experiment.

My first blog dedicated to moments was inspired by my BFF sharing the "Book of Awesome" with me. It's funny how things get started sometimes! At first it was easy, but as my life shifted and evolved, it wasn’t always so. And then II hit my one year anniversary and I had a choice to make. Continue on, or stop.

Obviously, I chose the former.

So now to reflect upon this second major milestone in my blog adventure. The first question to pops to mind on such a milestone is: "What's the point to of all of this anyway?" This is quickly followed by has any of my words shared been helpful? To me? To others? Does any of it really matter?

I suppose, even upon reflecting and writing, I don't really have answers. It's all so very subjective. What do know, is that I've learned a few things during this experience. And some things I already knew have been reinforced by my sharing of words here in this blog.

I recently posted a summary of three things I am grateful for in my life on Facebook. Interestingly, I did this without really considering the blog posts I've shared over the past two years. You’ll see shortly the connection, but first, please indulge me to share my post from Facebook.

Three things I am grateful for today:

1) My family & friends: I know most people would separate out their friends from family, but my friends have become my family. (And ya'll KNOW who you are.) With every year that passes I am ever more grateful for my family. I had an incredible childhood surrounded by love, respect and support. From my parents to my extended family. That value is immeasurable to me. The friends that I now surround myself with, have become my extended (and sometimes not so extended!) family. I know, without a blink, that they have my back. They surround me in love, respect and support. I am ever grateful for that.

2) My health: In the past decade there has been many health issues around me from my friends and close family members. There may be days I complain about the extra 10lbs I should shed, the stress I am carrying, (or the rash that's cropped up because of the stress) or even the ache in my knee....but it's all so diminutive and pitiful in the bigger scale of things. I have been fortunate with my health. I can (and still do) play a mean game of volleyball, even after 24 years in the sport. I can be as active as I like. For this, I am grateful.

3) My soon-to-be husband: Once upon a time, I was lost in a life that I shouldn't have been living. For the most part, it was comfortable, but it wasn't fulfilling. I wasn't me. I wasn't who I needed to be. I wasn't able to grow and evolve and explore the world in a way that would inspire me to ever greater things. And then, I chose to leave that security behind in the hopes that I could find that inspiration.

And that, I did. (In truth, he actually found me! Thank goodness for his patience!) EQ has been an incredible inspiration to my soul. No longer am I lost. I am now on a path of growth having been inspired by this incredible man to explore the world from a new perspective. I look forward to the many adventures we have yet to have. To have found this love, I am grateful.

This connection inspired me to dig into the statistics of my blog.  You know me, I'm a numbers gal.  I was curious to see how it all shook out, so I ran a couple of reports on my blog posts. Here’s a summary of tags from those posts. How incredible to see that my top four tags are about family, friends, EQ and love.

I was going to do a top 10 list, but then my favourite number is 12....so I went with it.  It's a top 12 list.  Here's how it shook out:

374 Friends

163 EQ

146 Family

99 Love

80 Health & Sports

74 Dig Deeper

64 Co-Workers

62 Dinner/Food

49 Music/Singing/Concerts

44 Surprise

34 Laughter

26 Silly/Silliness

All in all, the blog sharing inspiring moments in my life filtered out to be about the amazing people around me.  I think it's something that I've instinctively known for a long time - that people are the most  important facet of my life, but now, NOW, I have empirical evidence.  After two years of blogging about the positive moments in my life, it's  my sweet love for EQ, for my amazing friends, my incredible family, and my ever fun and supportive co-workers & teammates.  People.

So what have I learned in two years of blogging?  Appreciate the smallest of bright moments, even on the darkest of days.  And I've learned, or rather confirmed, that "my peeps" are the most important thing in my life.  (This has been a standard answer in my arsenal when asked "What is life all about?"

Bottom line....share a smile wherever you can because we're all people looking for a brighter moment in the day.  Share your words of love, respect and appreciation for the people you love, that respect and appreciate.  Share the words more often than you may be comfortable with for two reasons (1) you never know when you might not get another chance and (2) we can never hear enough (or too much) how much we are loved, respected and appreciated.  These are words of inspiration even on the darkest of days.

Much love and light you you, my readers.....my friends, my family and my dear EQ.

Moments D729: Focused Treatment

Today's moment is all about my shoulder.  It's been giving me grief for nearly 5 weeks now.  It irritates me all day and while I generally get some relief at night there have been a few nights where I wake in the middle of the night from the pain.

I've been good about letting it rest.  I haven't played volleyball in 4 weeks.  That's torturous to me.  I really, REALLY miss playing.  It really hasn't been easy to lay low and let this craziness pass.

Today, I visited my favourite RMT ever.  (Total side bar, but I've followed Sarah throughout her career. If you ever need a good, deep massage, Sarah is the one to connect with!)

Today's appointment was the second in as many weeks in the hope of killing this pain.  This evening Sarah focused 90% on my pained shoulder and neck in the hopes of really digging in and working out the congested muscle tissue.

Wow, what a treat it was to have her so focused on my shoulder and its issues.  We (well, technically she) dug into areas on my arm, armpit and shoulder that we've never before focused on.  It  was interesting to experience the shift in my pains and feel the muscles releasing.  There was much pain, breathing through the pressure points and then relief.  After an hour, it was amazing how much of the overall pain had disappeared.
While I was surprised at the time she spent focused on my should and neck, I was very much appreciating the relief post treatment.  Sarah gave me homework to do to help keep my muscles stretched and open.  The most interesting concept was "nerve flossing".

Yes, that sounds kind of painful, doesn't it?

But it's not, not any  more than a deep stretch can be from time to time.  This was the video I learned from to do my homework.  So far, so good.

Moments appreciating some relief from my pain through treatment.
Moments being thankful for having the ability to seek treatment for my pain.

Moments D728: When the quiet settles in

Today Heini came home from her family and duties keeping her busy since her father's death. I've kept in touch with her over the past week and a half and she's been strong and focused. She's been busy with the details and making sure everyone was okay.
And now, it was time for her to return home and dive back into her life. 

EQ & I picked her up from the airport and as soon as she saw us I could see the tears in her eyes. She swore at herself for breaking down, saying "....for F!@* sake, I was talking about the death of my father on the plane just fine!"

But that's different. That's still somewhat removed.

Now, now she is home, being hugged by people she knows and loves. Now she's heading home to dive back in, as though things were the same as before, only they are no longer the same as before.

I don't know what it's like to lose a father, I am fortunate in that mine has fought through his various illnesses over the years. I can tell you being this close to Heini's pain has had me pause and think about that moment and it's one that I can not easily imagine. On some level, there must be a feeling of being lost. (At least for me it would manifest that way.)

Knowing that my dear friend would be struggling upon her return to "real life", EQ and I stopped in for one last check in with her kitty before we headed to the airport to pick her up. Of course kitty received the royal treatment, food, water, cleanup and some love. But we also left Heini a surprise in her refridgerator: A pretty bouquet of flowers with a card to remind her just how much she is loved, appreciated and that she was not alone.

After a tearful dropoff and an exhange of hugs EQ and I made our way home for a late dinner. Only a few minutes into our drive home did we receive her text thanking us for the flowers and supportive words. In her darkness, she was smiling.

Job done.

As the quiet settles in, I can only hope in the days to come that she finds a small sense of comfort when she looks to the flowers. She is not alone.

Moments celebrating the life of an amazing man.
Moments celebrating the life of his amazing daughter.

Moments D727: Ishtar (prounced Easter)

Today was Easter and, like most families on this long weekend, a chunk of mine gathered to enjoy dinner together. Unlike those celebrating the religious holiday of Easter this weekend, my family simply celebrated life and family.

I suppose that's what we've always done come to think of it. It's not so much about the religious holiday, but about family time.

Today we had rambling discussions about religion, life and death. Interesting given that today is Easter Sunday. But today's moment was when EQ shared the concept of Ishtar with my parents. Oh, that was a funny moment. Ishtar, is a Sumerian, East Semitic Akkadian, Assyrian and Babylonian goddess of love, war, fertility, and sexuality. There are theories that Easter has roots in celebrations of Ishtar, afterall What do eggs and bunnies have to do with a ressurrection?

The comment didn't linger long before my Dad smacked my Mom's forearm and said, "How long have you known this and been withholding from me?"

Of course, we all fell into giggles as we watched my Mom's face turn from pink to a bright glowing red.

Celebrating fertility and sex - yes, that would make Mom blush.

Moments enjoying time with the family.

Moments sharing silly theories and lots of laughter.

Moments D726: Home Cooked Goodness - worth the wait

Today EQ & I planned on a lazy day and then to head to my parents to enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend with family. The Plan: Head home after dinner.

My Mom, on the other hand, had other ideas and she can be very persuasive. Her expertise: she great at finding good reasons for us to join them earlier. (How can you blame her, it's been over a month since we last saw them and the last couple of weeks I've been very MIA studying for my final.) In the end, how could we really say no to a home cooked meal when, afterall, "we have to eat something for dinner"?

And so, we headed out earlier than we had anticipated.

I am so very glad that we did.

The drive out was beautiful as we enjoyed the end of a pretty spring day.

And today's moment really was an amusing one. It was dessert.

Many moons ago the four of us were talking about desserts and at some point the topic turned to how incredible my Mom's pumpkin pies were. To date, EQ has never had the pleasure to enjoy a slice.

Tonight that changed.

After enjoying a very full meal (read that's two platefuls of home cooked goodness), my Mom asked if we were ready for dessert. I could see that EQ's eyes were half glazed over from the big meal he had eaten and I chuckled to myself in anticipation.

He didn't realize it, but I had warned him earlier that my Mom had made something special just for him.

He didn't make the connection, until he went to say no for dessert.

I watched the scene unfold:

Mom: "Are you sure you don't want dessert? I made it especially for you."
EQ: "Oh. [Pause] I'm so full.
Me: "What have you been asking for for months?"
EQ's eyes light up. He pushes his not quite finished plate of potatoes aside and says "Why didn't you tell me sooner. I'm done. I'm ready for dessert."

It was very, VERY amusing.

After his second piece of pumpkin pie, he turned to my Mom and said, "Yes, worth the wait."

Moments tweaking plans to make it home in time for a home cooked meal.

Moments sharing a surprise for dessert that was "worth the wait".

Moments D725: Connecting at the airport

Today I picked up EQ from the airport. It's been far too long since I last saw him.

Typically I pick him up outside of the terminal doors, but today I arrived a touch earlier than I had expected and my last piece of information from him was that the custom's line was quite long. In a flash I decided to surprise him inside the terminal and I went to park the car.

Of course, finding an actual parking spot took me longer than I had anticipated. As time ticked away, I became anxious that I'd miss EQ inside the terminal. As I jogged into the building and down the escalator to the arrivals level, I still hadn't heard from him and I thought to myself "phew, I made it".

I entered into the arrivals area and my phone dinged at me. Of course it was EQ. I didn't even reach into my pocket for the phone, I simply scanned the arrival area a little harder. I was determined not to miss him! I scanned and scanned as again around the arrivals entrance. Just as I finished the second scan of the room, I saw him quickly heading toward door. He was just about the exit the building!

And so I ran, bouncing around the people in my way. I caught up to him from behind just as he exited the the terminal doors. I put my hand on his shoulder, he turned, dropped his bags and swooped me into his arms.

Now that is an exciting reunion!

We stood like that, in silence, arms wrapped around one another for what seemed like an eternity in a blink of an eye.

Sometimes, the universe is on my side. Today was one of those days. I am thankful I caught him and surprised him as I did.

Moments setting up a last minute surprise, even though tight for time.

Moments connecting "just in time".

Moments D724: Childhood Pet Memories

Today on my drive into work I saw a man stopped with his dog on the side of the road. That's a pretty typical scenario, and I thought nothing of it, until I slowly rolled closer to the scene.

As I slowly crept in traffic, I had a chance to watch this beautiful golden retriever play with very large tree branch. The tree branch looked like a small tree in and of itself and this dog was whipping its head back and forth with this "tree" hanging from its mouth.

That made me smile and think back to my childhood and the dogs we had when I was growing up. I remember them both doing similar things and always enjoying their pleasure with shaking branches bigger than themselves. I swear, if the dogs could smile, they would have been!

A silly moment, but one that not only made me smile, but it had me remember days when I was a young lass.

Those were good, simple days.

Moments smiling at silliness.

Moments enjoying memories from your childhood.

Moments D723: SURVIVED

Today I wrote the final exam for a class that I never thought I'd have to take. (It was a course that was not required curriculum when I started my degree part time years ago, but now, over time it's become part of the curriculum.)

I actually managed to have enough time to finish the exam (unlike our midterm where I felt very short and didn't finish the exam!) and as I walked away from that class room for the last time this semester, I could help but feel a sense of relief.

I had survived. I will pass this course, no doubt about it.

Done.

Next?

Moments feeling good about all the work you put in to survive.

Moments enjoying that second where relief sets in.

Moments D722: Letting go of anger

Today's moment is actually a quote that found me that really hit the mark for me:

Fear. We all have some form of it. A lot of times, fear will manifest as anger. If you do a Google search, you'll see a lot of articles commenting about fear as anger.

And there is so much anger in our world. To me, that suggests that there is a lot of fear in the world.

Bringing that back closer to home: These past few days for me have been filled with both, anger and fear. It's been a challenging couple of days, no doubt about it.

And then today I ran into this quote. For me, it helped to refocus the chaotic energy back towards me; my needs, my fears. It helped me to drop the anger that was pulling me into the silent darkness of self-pity. Bottom line is this: If those in my world are unable to work with me on my needs and fears when I communicate them, then that's their choice. I don't need to like it, but I also don't need to accept it either. I realized that I have a voice, even in anger/fear. It's not productive energy to fall into the fear/anger.

The quote inspired me to share. And so, I shared that second level of fear/anger. That in itself was scary and it was raw and real as I've ever been. Looking back, it was an empowering moment.

I shared that moment with BFF later today. Her surprise was evident given that she immediately replied with how proud she was of me for putting myself first (for onece) and really sharing (and not holding it all in and managing it alone).

Yes. I'm still very much a work-in-progress.

Moments feeling the anger and the fear.

Moments sharing why.

Moments D721: Penguins, Words, butterflies and believing

Tonight Arizona and I went to see Christina Perri at the Danforth Music Hall.  In a word:  WOW.  

Christina had BIRDY open the show.  I've never heard of this beautiful songstress before.  Incredible.  I'll definitely be hunting down some of her songs tomorrow.  Tonight, I want to write about the soul inspiring Christina Perri.  She brought me to tears.  Not once, not twice, but thrice in the near 2 hours she was on stage.

What an amazing big voice.  What an incredible presence you could feel her pain in the words she belted out.  You could feel the joy and the love and the fear.  It was a beautiful set of songs and in just under a week of having her latest album "Head or Heart", I've already fallen in love with a couple of her new songs.

The first song that brought me to tears was her new song "The Words".  It's a song about new love about being raw, and real, and going deeper.  Why the tears?  I remember that moment.  That moment where I realized I was deep, deep in love.  It was raw, and real, and scary.  "The scariest part is letting go."   So very true.  Letting go, trusting.  Believing.  Believing you deserve love.  Believing you can give love.  Trusting that this time, this time you won't fail at the rest of the puzzle because as beautiful as love can be, it's only a piece of the bigger puzzle of a healthy, functioning relationship.  And it's scary to let go and dive in.

Near the end of the concert, Christina sang "I believe",  also from her new album.  Again, the tears came, for who hasn't felt the pain of losing themselves?  I know I have.  A few times.  (Um, you did read the paragraph preceding this one....right?)   She dedicated this song to the audience.  Noted that there were surely those of us in the crowd that may not have been having the best of days, or weeks, that she was going to fill the room up with love and surround us with it.

Eerily familiar.  And I found myself taking a step back and really absorbing the energy of the crowd and sending out to BFF (she's sick!), Heini (for obvious reasons) and to EQ (because I love him!) - redirecting all that beautiful energy.  

The emotion of her words are raw, add in how passionately she plays the piano and voilà:  magic. A snippet of her lyrics:

‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

And then she had the audience join in chorus.  Much like this live version on Youtube.  How incredibly powerful.  Arizona and I were in section A.  Our task was to sing "This is not the end of me, this is the beginning."  Very apropos given the journey I've had over the past two years.  The audience at the Danforth Music Hall great and much more into it than the video online.....we actually sang the band off the stage and kept it going for quite a few repeats.  It was such a beautiful moment....tears rolling down my face and all.

During the encore, she played one of my favourite songs from her first album.  "Penguin"  It's more a cute fun song about soul mates.  It's always choked me up.

It was a beautiful set of songs, performed by an extremely talented young lady.

Moments just feeling the music and lyrics.

Moments soaking in all that beautiful, loving energy and sharing it out again to those in need.

Moments D720: Feeling Alive

Today.  What to say about today.  I don't even know where to begin.  It's been a mess, nothing went as planned.  Not my wake up call, not my plan of attack for studying, nor the words that followed during the day.  I wasn't nearly as productive for my studies as I had hoped, but I can say, looking back, that I managed to be productive in life.

What?

A life lesson I suppose.  Scratch that.  It's not really a lesson.  I suppose it's more a reminder, because I already know most of what comes later in today's blog.  It's just that sometimes I need a kick in the "you-know-what" to keep it in mind.

First, let me explain how the day unfolded (unravelled?).

I'm okay with things not always going as planned.  Honestly!  I know that things don't always go as planned. In fact, laugh as you might, I actually plan for things not to go as planned.  I know, you likely feel like that is a great waste of energy, right?  To each their own.  Believe me, it's certainly saved my butt a few times over the years, in my books, it's well worth having a back-up plan.  Today, even my backup plan wasn't so strong and in the end I was terribly frustrated.

Unscheduled stops today:  (1) Missed my wake up call (2)  A big deep conversation with BFF about how I'm managing my stress and expectations.  She knows.  She knows without me having shared anything that I'm worried.  Brilliantly scary of her and she's never been off on that. And so, before I knew it, I was vomiting a lot of emotions her way.  Apparently I haven't been handling the worry so well after all.  We went deeper than I was really ready for, but it just felt so good to share and to have another perspective.  (3)  Then, unexpectedly, my needs passed up to make room for someone else's needs.  Twice in an hour.  Confusing, painful, but manageable as I had my studies to dive into today and I just about got there when.... (4) Heini called as she had time to connect.  I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days and I was worried about her.  I was happy to take a time out and catch up with her.  And so I did.  She shared with me the coming plans for her father's memorial.  She even read his obituary aloud to me. That was a beautiful moment, one that, had I not had my own epiphany today, would have been today's moment! My dear friend is exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally.  It's the least I could do to carve out time for her.  She's one of my best friends and I know she'd be there for me in a blink of an eye.  (5) Just after my chat with Heini and before I dove deep into my studies, I spent a bit more time with BFF given her updates from Heini.  Seeing as I was now officially 4 hours behind schedule, that conversation was poignant and forced me to ask myself a few tough questions.  And then BFF & I agreed, it was time I shut the world out and dive into my textbook.  And so I did.

When I finally lifted my head to breathe, the day had passed.  I had been productive.  A good thing! I still had a few things to deal with (another chapter to do problems from, a chat with EQ, and a visit to Heini's cat).  And so, without much thought, I sent EQ a note say I was out the door and off I went to visit kitty (poor little dude needs a visit and more food)!

And that's when I had my moment for today.

I turned on the car and Dinosaur Jr's song "Feel the Pain" had just come on.   I smiled to myself and slowly drove off as memories and feelings flooded me.

First of all, this was a song that I loved to play on Rock Band.   I'd sing it, I'd drum it.  I think I even tried to do guitar once (I was terrible at guitar on Rock Band!).  I quickly found myself mesmerized by the beat; it's that funky double kick base.  It always gave me trouble and, me the perfectionist, would play it over and over and over again until I started to get it.  Oh yes.  I feel the pain.

And then I found myself reminiscing to a time when I had time to play Rock Band.  That feels like a lifetime ago.  As those ghosts came and left me, I felt their weight.  I realized that today I was definitely feeling the pain.  I often feel the pain of those around me and today was a heavy dose of that.  I also found myself dealing with my own stress and pain and tears filled my eyes.

Life is not perfect.  I don't expect it to be.
People aren't perfect.  I don't expect them to be.
Relationships ebb and flow.  I don't expect perfection there either.
Me.  I expect perfection from myself.

Not fair of me, but what can I say, I'm still a work-in-progress.

Frustrated by where I find myself today, I fell into the pain.  I am not perfect.  I never will be.  I cannot fit into a mould where someone needs me to be perfect. I am not always bright and happy and bubbly.  I have dark moments.  Hell, I have dark days.  I have fears.  I have needs that may seem odd and strange to some. I don't need to be perfect.  I know this, but I do need to be accepted.  I need to be loved for all my parts. As I surfaced from my 60s pity-party, I realized just how alive I was feeling in that moment.  It was raw, it was real and I wouldn't change it for the world.

That moment reminded me that I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people.  I know I am loved.  Good, bad and the ugly.  Today was a perfect example of that.  It was a deep, raw blend of giving and taking words and emotions with those I love. I've said it once, I'll say it again and again and again:  for me, life is all about my people.  In the end, who really cares about the mark I do (or don't) get in this class.  No one except me.  Who cares that BFF was there for me today, or that I was there for Heini today?  I could easily rhyme off a handful of names in either case.

Perspective.

Moments feeling the pain.
Moments feeling alive.

Moments D719: Bodum Coffee

Sometimes it's the smallest thing that brings a smile.  This morning I was up early so that I might have a good, long, productive study day.  Coffee was definitely needed.

And so, today was the first day I was able to try my new Bodum French press.  Ooooh coffee love!

This is not to say I haven't pressed my coffee before.  I most certainly have, but I have (and had) the cheaper knock-offs.  This latest cheap knock off was terrible at actually filtering out the coffee grounds and more often than not my cup of java had a present near the bottom.  I could never enjoy a full cup.

I tired of this, and so I found this beauty discounted on eBay.  It arrived on Friday.  TODAY I cracked it open and put her to use.

Heaven.

A full bodied and delightful right to the bottom of my mug.

Yes, sometimes it's worth spending a little more to get a much better quality product.  Lesson learned.

Oh - and I learned something else today, other than the fact that Bodum has other very cool coffee/tea related accessories - they have a sprouter! That too makes me smile.  I know Arizona would love one of those.  I may have to pick it up now as it's on sale!

The things you learn as you do a blog post.

Moments enjoy a clean cup of coffee.
Moments recognizing quality sometimes comes at a cost.