Moments D720: Feeling Alive

Today.  What to say about today.  I don't even know where to begin.  It's been a mess, nothing went as planned.  Not my wake up call, not my plan of attack for studying, nor the words that followed during the day.  I wasn't nearly as productive for my studies as I had hoped, but I can say, looking back, that I managed to be productive in life.

What?

A life lesson I suppose.  Scratch that.  It's not really a lesson.  I suppose it's more a reminder, because I already know most of what comes later in today's blog.  It's just that sometimes I need a kick in the "you-know-what" to keep it in mind.

First, let me explain how the day unfolded (unravelled?).

I'm okay with things not always going as planned.  Honestly!  I know that things don't always go as planned. In fact, laugh as you might, I actually plan for things not to go as planned.  I know, you likely feel like that is a great waste of energy, right?  To each their own.  Believe me, it's certainly saved my butt a few times over the years, in my books, it's well worth having a back-up plan.  Today, even my backup plan wasn't so strong and in the end I was terribly frustrated.

Unscheduled stops today:  (1) Missed my wake up call (2)  A big deep conversation with BFF about how I'm managing my stress and expectations.  She knows.  She knows without me having shared anything that I'm worried.  Brilliantly scary of her and she's never been off on that. And so, before I knew it, I was vomiting a lot of emotions her way.  Apparently I haven't been handling the worry so well after all.  We went deeper than I was really ready for, but it just felt so good to share and to have another perspective.  (3)  Then, unexpectedly, my needs passed up to make room for someone else's needs.  Twice in an hour.  Confusing, painful, but manageable as I had my studies to dive into today and I just about got there when.... (4) Heini called as she had time to connect.  I hadn't heard from her in a couple of days and I was worried about her.  I was happy to take a time out and catch up with her.  And so I did.  She shared with me the coming plans for her father's memorial.  She even read his obituary aloud to me. That was a beautiful moment, one that, had I not had my own epiphany today, would have been today's moment! My dear friend is exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally.  It's the least I could do to carve out time for her.  She's one of my best friends and I know she'd be there for me in a blink of an eye.  (5) Just after my chat with Heini and before I dove deep into my studies, I spent a bit more time with BFF given her updates from Heini.  Seeing as I was now officially 4 hours behind schedule, that conversation was poignant and forced me to ask myself a few tough questions.  And then BFF & I agreed, it was time I shut the world out and dive into my textbook.  And so I did.

When I finally lifted my head to breathe, the day had passed.  I had been productive.  A good thing! I still had a few things to deal with (another chapter to do problems from, a chat with EQ, and a visit to Heini's cat).  And so, without much thought, I sent EQ a note say I was out the door and off I went to visit kitty (poor little dude needs a visit and more food)!

And that's when I had my moment for today.

I turned on the car and Dinosaur Jr's song "Feel the Pain" had just come on.   I smiled to myself and slowly drove off as memories and feelings flooded me.

First of all, this was a song that I loved to play on Rock Band.   I'd sing it, I'd drum it.  I think I even tried to do guitar once (I was terrible at guitar on Rock Band!).  I quickly found myself mesmerized by the beat; it's that funky double kick base.  It always gave me trouble and, me the perfectionist, would play it over and over and over again until I started to get it.  Oh yes.  I feel the pain.

And then I found myself reminiscing to a time when I had time to play Rock Band.  That feels like a lifetime ago.  As those ghosts came and left me, I felt their weight.  I realized that today I was definitely feeling the pain.  I often feel the pain of those around me and today was a heavy dose of that.  I also found myself dealing with my own stress and pain and tears filled my eyes.

Life is not perfect.  I don't expect it to be.
People aren't perfect.  I don't expect them to be.
Relationships ebb and flow.  I don't expect perfection there either.
Me.  I expect perfection from myself.

Not fair of me, but what can I say, I'm still a work-in-progress.

Frustrated by where I find myself today, I fell into the pain.  I am not perfect.  I never will be.  I cannot fit into a mould where someone needs me to be perfect. I am not always bright and happy and bubbly.  I have dark moments.  Hell, I have dark days.  I have fears.  I have needs that may seem odd and strange to some. I don't need to be perfect.  I know this, but I do need to be accepted.  I need to be loved for all my parts. As I surfaced from my 60s pity-party, I realized just how alive I was feeling in that moment.  It was raw, it was real and I wouldn't change it for the world.

That moment reminded me that I am surrounded by some of the most amazing people.  I know I am loved.  Good, bad and the ugly.  Today was a perfect example of that.  It was a deep, raw blend of giving and taking words and emotions with those I love. I've said it once, I'll say it again and again and again:  for me, life is all about my people.  In the end, who really cares about the mark I do (or don't) get in this class.  No one except me.  Who cares that BFF was there for me today, or that I was there for Heini today?  I could easily rhyme off a handful of names in either case.

Perspective.

Moments feeling the pain.
Moments feeling alive.

Moments D719: Bodum Coffee

Sometimes it's the smallest thing that brings a smile.  This morning I was up early so that I might have a good, long, productive study day.  Coffee was definitely needed.

And so, today was the first day I was able to try my new Bodum French press.  Ooooh coffee love!

This is not to say I haven't pressed my coffee before.  I most certainly have, but I have (and had) the cheaper knock-offs.  This latest cheap knock off was terrible at actually filtering out the coffee grounds and more often than not my cup of java had a present near the bottom.  I could never enjoy a full cup.

I tired of this, and so I found this beauty discounted on eBay.  It arrived on Friday.  TODAY I cracked it open and put her to use.

Heaven.

A full bodied and delightful right to the bottom of my mug.

Yes, sometimes it's worth spending a little more to get a much better quality product.  Lesson learned.

Oh - and I learned something else today, other than the fact that Bodum has other very cool coffee/tea related accessories - they have a sprouter! That too makes me smile.  I know Arizona would love one of those.  I may have to pick it up now as it's on sale!

The things you learn as you do a blog post.

Moments enjoy a clean cup of coffee.
Moments recognizing quality sometimes comes at a cost.

Moments D718: Home Equity & Consumer Loans - SOLD

 This evening on my way home from work, I made my way over to the local pet store.  You see, with Heini away, I'm looking in on her kitty.  With such short notice of her departure, she doesn't have enough food for the poor guy, and so I set out to find some.

Not so interesting, but it does explain why I didn't head straight home to study for my coming final exam.  Wednesday is coming too fast!

The moment that stands out today is during this ride from Heini's apartment to the pet store.  This isn't my normal trek home, nor is it one where I am looking for a vet along the way.  (Kitty's food is a prescription diet.) So, of course, I saw something I've never seen before, on nearly my front doorstep.

It was a store front for Home Equity and Consumer Loans and in the front window was a sign that said it was "FOR SALE" and just under that, a big orange sticker on the window sharing that it was a POWER OF SALE.

Of course, I had a good giggle to myself. Of course a company that was set up for home equity and consumer loans was being sold under a power of sale. OF COURSE!

(For those of you who don't know what a power of sale is when a mortgage contract authorizes the lender to sell the property in the event of default (i.e when the mortgage payments are missed), in order to repay the mortgage debt.)

See the irony?  The company was lending out money to customers based on the equity in their home (i.e payments made towards the principal cost of the home) which essentially increasing the overall mortgage on the home so customers can buy more stuff.  That's one of the worst kind of loan to offer as risk management is a tough to estimate.  (After all, money spent on "stuff", typically is not used as an investment, it ends up being a loss and the customer ends up struggling to pay off debt.  Add in possible changes in the value of a home and it's rocky!)  So - are you surprised that the business is being sold as a power of sale?

Nope.  Me neither.  

And it made me giggle for a couple of reasons:

Moments seeing the irony in a financial business being sold under a power of sale.
Moments knowing that most people won't find this overly amusing.  

Moments D716 & Moment D717: Treasure Coaching, thank you Bob

This blog post is the first time I'm combining two days.  There are simply too many threads between the two days and the two moments.  I had started to write yesterday's moment, after school, before I got the news last night. I will share it all, but first, yesterday's moment:

Yesterday was a challenging day for me.  I've been missing EQ as he's been away on business for the last two weeks with another yet another week to go.   Add in a couple of missteps, a three hour time difference and suddenly the space between us was overwhelming.

I turned to Heini for some moral support and guidance through what felt like an emotional mine field.  She reminded me that it's okay to be feeling the separation and it's okay for me to deal with the flood of emotions on my time.  She also reminded me that it's important to stick up for my needs and to keep the lines of communication open. She signed off with a reminder of my value and sent me "a zillion more hugs and love as [my] Treasure Coach."

I had forgotten this term of endearment for Heini.  When I went through my separation 2.5 years ago, she was one of my pillars of strength.  As I walked through my new single life, floundering, lost, she kept gently pushing me to better connect with myself.  She insisted that I saw my value and that I wouldn't settle for anything less than exactly what I needed.  As I walked through one of the darkest times in my life, she was there, reminding me that I deserved to be cherished, honoured and loved.

And yesterday, she gently reminded me of that.  It brought a warmth to my aching-I-can't-connect-with-EQ-heart.

And then, last night happened.  After class, I was just about to get myself ready for bed and I finally checked my phone for updates in the world.

Heini had called six times.

I knew that wasn't for me and my aching heart and that something was wrong.

Her text said it all.

"I'll call you in a minute - dads in intensive care. Can you look after kitty? I'm flying in the morning. It's not looking good."

That text came in while I was in class, nearly 4.5 hours earlier.  I immediately called her.  Sick that I had been sorrowful enough to ignore my world  and, in this case, my dear sweet friend in need.

When she answered, I didn't even say hi, I simply asked if I should come over.  There was no real conversation as within the next three minutes I was out the door and on my way to her place.

I can't tell you how grateful I was to be there for her in those last moments of her father's life.  The raw emotion as realizations set in, as I watched her share those insights via phone calls between sisters, her mother and her aunt.  She was strong, focused on getting the job done, but I knew that she was heartbroken at the unexpected turn of events.

This all leads into today's moment.

Heini and I spent the evening and early morning hours with preparing her for her trip and the coming days.  Along the way, we walked through old photos, shared stories and even had a good belly laugh or two.  Of course there were tears, but through it all we were celebrating the life of an incredible man.

As long as I've known Heini (which is pushing into the second decade now!), she has always been looking for her father's approval.  (Who doesn't?)  She always questioned whether or not he was proud of her.  When that surfaced in our chats,  it was one moment I knew I could help her find some comfort.

In November 2012, Arizona & I spent a few days with Heini's parents.  We had a chance to really spend some quality time with them over meals.  One of the things that was very obvious was just how proud Heini's father was of her. He spoke of her fondly and he was insistent that Arizona and I participated in the weekly family phone call between the three of them.  (What a treat that was!)

The entire time that Arizona & I were there, Heini's father was one proud parent.

And so, I shared this memory with Heini.  Though tears filled her eyes, I could see that the story brought her some comfort.

Earlier this morning I drove Heini to the airport.  On the way, we shared more stories about father and we anointed today "the day of Bob".    Why not, right?

After a tearful, hug filled drop-off, Heini was on her way to her Mom and I was on my way home.  It was a pretty sunrise, so I stopped and took a few pictures and shared them over with Heini and we labelled it: "Sunrise of Bob."

So today's moment, I celebrate Bob.  I thank Bob for raising such a beautiful person as Heini, for only just yesterday she was, yet again, a rock for me. I thank Bob for seeding such inspiring ideals and for instilling such strength into my dear sweet friend.

Thank you Bob.
Thank you Heini.

Moments leaning on your friends.
Moments letting your friends lean on you.

Moments D715: Secret Deliveries

I have the best damn naturopathic doctor ever.

Of course, that suggests that I have a ton of experience with NDs and know that know what the hell I'm talking about.  I don't.  Honestly, she's the only ND I've ever seen.

That said, she IS an amazing person.  She goes above-and-beyond all the time.  She takes time out of her personal time to check in on her patients (well me, but I assume she does that for all her patients).  She is thorough and easy to share all your health bits and pieces with.  Yes, even the embarrassing ones.

This past Thursday, she helped me out of a pinch.  (Sorry for the pun!)  I emailed her, she called me and we talked about options.  No charge, no expectation of anything, just a "I don't think you need xxx, but this might help."

And it did.  And she, in the end, missed out on an appointment that would have generated some income for her.

I needed to do something to thank her.  For this moment and for all the others she's done in the past.  It's a small token, but it hit the mark.

And for some reason, my name wasn't signed to the card!  The gift was completely a surprise AND it came anonymously to her.  BANGARANG!

I have since emailed her to let her know that I am happy that she was surprised and that it's a small token of my appreciation for all the over-and-above she does for me.

And, I know those potted bulbs will bring her weeks of enjoyment to come.  Perfect really.

Thank you Dr. Lisa Watson!  You've been a life saver more than once.

Moments knowing that your surprise was well received.

Moments sharing your light and love with those that give it to others.

Moments D714: Spring Flowers

Last week, with everything going on, I missed an appointment with my CFA.  Terrible of me.  So very unlike me, but, so it seems, a new side of me as I let things become less structured.  (I've been told I'm too scheduled and structured....letting loose, for me, means missing appointments apparently!)

And so, today was our rescheduled moment.  I was determined to make sure my CFA knew that I was appreciative of her time and that I didn't mean any disrespect.  I offered to pick up a coffee for her, but she politely declined.

So I arrived early and with with a tiny pot of purple flowers.

She couldn't say no to flowers, right?

Sure enough, it was something that certainly brought a smile to her face.  And one to mine for bringing her a smile.

What a delightful moment.  What a wonderful way to start the week.

Moments sharing a tiny bit of love to show some respect and appreciation.

Moments knowing that a small gift will bring many days of smiles ahead.

Moments D713: Take a break!

Today was another day dedicated to school.  That said, I slept in, enjoyed a cup (or two) of Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee and had a good long "wake-him-up" chat with EQ (he's at NAB!) before I dove into the pages and pages of information I had to read.

Instead of ploughing through the day as I normally would, ignoring the outside world entirely, I decided to take Heini up on her offer - a coffee break.  And so late afternoon, tea time if you will, I headed out to meet her and another friend for a coffee.

I was diligent.  I was only gone for 1.5 hours.  Sure a long coffee break, but given that it would have been easy to spend the rest of the late afternoon/evening catching up, I'm pretty proud of myself for (a) getting out and taking a break at all and (b) sticking to my guns and not being longer than an hour over coffee.  (I know, I know it was actually 1.5 hours all said and done.  That's not so far off the mark, right?)

I had a great (short) visit with Heini and her friend.
I had a productive day with my readings.
And I made some banana bread to share with Heini.

My moment:  taking a break.

I could (should!) get used to this.

Moments hitting pause and enjoying a beautiful spring day.
Moments realizing you can still be productive even if you take a break.