Moments D584: Giving Thanks

Today was a challenging day for me on many levels.  First of all, it was an extra long work day as I had an event today.  It was an emotional day as I dealt with the final stages of letting go of a friendship.  And it was an emotional day because my love was 3000+ miles away and feeling lonely on one of the biggest holidays in the states.

So very, very challenging.

When I was on my way home and I was asked to Skype into the Thanksgiving festivities in SoCal.   I was tired from a 13 hour work day, but I couldn't say no to EQ.  Besides, it warmed my heart to hear that my new friends from SoCal wanted to connect with me too.   But, before I go any further and share my moment of today, let me take the time to introduce a couple of  my new SoCal friends.

Sunshine-Unicorns&Rainbows (SUR) is an incredible woman, filled with a bubbling energy and positive outlook on life.  She also happens to love unicorns....and rainbows.....and sparkly shit.  I have no doubt that as we get to know one another more and more, she and I will become close friends.  She is married to:

Say-it-like-it-is (SILIS) is a  warm, witty and shoot-from-the-hip kinda guy.  Honestly, he says it like it is.   No shit.    He also loves food.  (hmmmm.  I love food....)  He and Sunshine-Unicorns&Rainbows are such a fun couple to have in my circle.  The love between them is obvious and they are so filled with laughter and positive energy!

The other couple at dinner, I've met but not had a lot of time to get to know just yet, so I'm not ready to give them nicknames.  (It wouldn't be fair!)  Suffice it to say, that T&T are going to be a ton of fun.  From what I saw tonight, they too are a fun loving couple.  Bottom line, I was laughing and smiling so hard tonight because of the group dynamics.  If I were there in person?  Boy-oh-boy would there be trouble!

Back to the story of today's moment.

My love felt like a fifth wheel and was quite excited to have me home and dialling in.  Me, I was worried I wouldn't have enough energy to share with the excited group of friends.

And then my moment of the day hit me.  Once connected EQ walked me around the room to show me where everyone was sitting, I found myself excited by their chatter, banter and side conversations.  There were quips and digs, and even a random hug in the background.  It was perfect.  The light and love that came pouring through from SUR, SILIS, T&T and EQ filled me with a third wind.

As we settled down, the first thing they had me do was pour myself a drink and then share with them what I was thankful for.  

(Nothing like being put on the spot!)

But honestly, that's easy for me.  I'm ever grateful for the family I have.  Not only my blood family (but I am very fortunate to have the blood family I do), but I'm also grateful for those family members born of friends pulled into my deepest inner circles.  I know I am lucky to have such a strong support system around me.  Most of all, I am fortunate to have ever found EQ.  How in the universe did we manage to find one another?    He's rocked my world and I will never be the same now that I've had him in my life.

And in the end, I stayed online with them for over an hour.  We shared stories of love and engagement. Stories of silly rumours and how two very strong, independent women became fast friends in spite of the rumours.  I watched as they poured more drinks and continued with the banter.   And, in the end when I hit my wall of exhaustion and I couldn't simply holdout any longer they were all very warm with their goodbyes and sharing that they were looking forward to my arrival in SoCal next month.

Yes.  My heart was warm from tonight's Skype with new friends in SoCal.  Great idea EQ.

As I reflect now upon the evening and in the vein of giving thanks, I can't help but circle back to how fortunate I am to have an amazing man like EQ in my life and for him to have introduced me into a new circle of friends.  They are amazing people.

Moments pushing past the exhaustion.

Moments pausing to give thanks and enjoying the ample light and love flowing from holiday celebrations.

Moments D583: Making lists, checking them twice and cleaning it up

As I near the next chapter in my my new novel, I find myself making lists of lists to make sure I don't forget anything.  Ever since the big shift in June, I haven't really been paying close attention to the details, I haven't really had to.  But now, as things become ever more deep, it's time to really clean things up and prepare for this next chapter.  Why?  Because it's a big important chapter and much is changing.

Today I took some time to dig a little deeper into a post separation finances.  Check.  All cleaned up and ready to talk to my CFP about better diversification now that I have all the information sorted out.

Today I took some time to set up a checklist for my coming trip.  You know.  What do I need to pack.  What do I need to wash.  Which hat.  Do I need sunscreen?  Should I bring my tablet or just my laptop.  Do I have enough supplements?  It's a simple way of getting the chorus of things out of my head so I can better focus on the other lists that are more pressing in the short term.

Like making sure I have detailed out information for my kitty sitters.  Oh.  Right.  Not so short term.

Okay, how about my checklist for Christmas gifts for my immediate family as I won't be spending Christmas at home with them.  No?  Still not short term enough?

Well fine then!  How about a checklist of what to buy for my girls night in this coming weekend and a checklist of small things that I need to get done before they all show up?  Yes, that's definitely more short term.

Today I also made a checklist of thoughts and ideas that needed to be shared with a friend of mine.  It was one of the most challenging lists I've made in a long time because, sadly, it was filled with points of grief, frustration and disappointment.  Yes, that's definitely a list that was long over due.

But at the end of the day, I feel more organized.  I feel a little less burdened by the weight of things bearing down on me because I have sorted through it and know that piece by piece, bit by bit, I will check things off my lists.

And before you  know it I'll be enjoying a cocktail on a cruise ship looking back smiling at all that I managed to get done in short order.

Oooooh how I love lists.  Strange, perhaps.  But, there's no denying their effectiveness!

Moments pausing to sort through the hum in my head.

Moments knowing that the future is mine to mould.

Moments D582: Whispering Ghosts

We all have a past and stories that have shaped our present and make us who we are today.  Some of those experiences are beautiful, joyful moments.  Some are nothing short of horrific.  Everyone has ghosts.

Sometimes the ghosts become our guardians.  Those ghosts give us a sense of self, a sense of security and bring a smile to our faces.  On the other hand, there are also ghosts that haunt us.  Ghosts that whisper to us and convince us (sometimes without being aware) to act in ways that we later question our own behaviours and who we really are.

Today my "big sister" shared with me how she finally looked her whispering ghost in the eye and told it that she was going to fight back.  Over 18 years of trying to ignore the ghost haunting her and how its whispers affect her perspectives on parts of her life, she is now ready to work on ridding herself of the constant taunting.

She shared with me how this past weekend shared the story with her children.  I know only too well how hard it was for her to share this part of her past.  An unpleasant part of her past that bore this particular ghost.  I couldn't be more proud of her as she walked me through her story from the weekend.

Admitting that you have a whispering ghost taunting you is really only the first step.  I know that there will be many a challenging day ahead for my big sis as she faces her daemon head on.  It will be a challenge, but she is not alone in her battle.  Awareness brings her solidarity.  She is surrounded by the love of her family.

Moments hearing a story that warms your soul because you know just how big a step forward was taken.

Moments surrounding those you love with bright positive energy so that they can fight against their whispering ghosts.

Moments D581: Fighting to grow

In life there are people I consider fighters.  My definition of fighter does not include the type of angry person looking to pick a physical fight, nor the person who likes to be contrary or enjoys bullying others just to be argumentative.  No....those sorts are just insecure persons unsure of how to better themselves.  No, the type of person that I like to label a fighter is someone who pushes themselves beyond their own boundaries.  I respect that, for it's not easy to get outside of one's comfort zone.  It's not easy to fight against the rhythm of others and find your own beat.

But those that do, those that find their own beat to walk to, those that question and ponder and find their own path, those are the fighters that I admire.  Today, I celebrate a moment spent with such a woman.

Some back story:  A couple of years ago, she was my next door neighbour.  We shared the front yard of a duplex and frankly, when I first moved in beside her our relationship was tenuous. As time passed and we interacted more, our mutual unease lifted and a friendship was formed.

Tonight was the second time that I've visited her since my ex and I sold the house.  It's a joy to see how she has become great friends with the new owner of my old house.  Every time I've seen her, she thanks me for choosing her over the "other guy" when we were selling the house.  My ex-neighbour asked her new neighbour to join us for a spell.  So she did and shared a glass of wine with us.

And you  know what?  I liked her.  A lot.  She's lovely.  She loves the house and the neighbourhood.  What more could I have asked for as a proud ex-home owner?  After all, I remember the last moment I had in my old home - I begged the powers that be to have someone buy the house that loved it.  I can see that she loves my old home.  And yet, I felt a twinge when she offered to have me walk through my old home.  No, I'm not quite ready to see the changes she has made to it.  Not yet.

But I digress.

Today's moment is not about the new owner of my old home, but of my ex-neighbour come friend.  She's fought through a double mastectomy last year, only to deal with chemotherapy and radiation.  Post treatment she's had kidney complications and found herself having to deal with yet another operation to deal with that.  It's been nearly 1.5 years of hospital visits and processing through her cancer and yet, she's as positive and light hearted as ever.   As I ponder it, perhaps even more so than she's been in the past.

She is a woman filled with life.  Filled with a passion to grow beyond who she was yesterday.  Perhaps a brush with death will offer that perspective, but on some level she's always had this light in her.  She is an inspiration.

And my evening with her tonight only reminded me of the good, grounded souls that are out there.  The fighters.  Those working hard to make this world and themselves a better place.

Moments celebrating a ex-neighbour now friend.

Moments understanding that there are good fighters out there in the world.

Moments D580: Counsellor

Today I had my (16th!) annual Christmas dinner with two of my dearest friends.  What an interesting evening it ended up being.  None of us were really in the Christmas spirit, after all, it's early even if there is snow on the ground.

I arrived to a shot of Screech and to the host setting up a roaring fire in the family room.  What an incredible Christmas-like start to our evening.

But, soon after our conversation shifted from our catch-up pleasantries into what felt like a counselling session.  I found myself in this world of sharing insights and ideas with my two dear friends each who felt a little uncertain with their perspective.  At first, I felt like I was in over my head, but slowly, somehow, the pieces fell into place and I could not only hear each side of the story, but I could see where the disconnect between the pieces were and we united to seam it all back together again.

Before I knew it we were in the thick of deep conversation digging ever deeper to find solutions.  Certainly not very Christmas-like!   That said, I loved every moment of being the middle man for them and offering what I could for a different perspective on the situation at hand.  I think I might even have been helpful too.  Time will tell I suppose.

In the end, our annual Christmas evening together wasn't typical, but it sure was a beautiful none-the-less as we tried to solve the world's problems together.  An intimate, emotional, give and take.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect evening.

Moments solving problems together with friends.

Moments expecting to be full of frivolity, instead filled with deep meaning.

Moments D579: Swirling Snows

Mother nature decided today was going to be a blustery winter day.

I LOVED IT!

I know, it's odd.  Most people complain about the cold and the snow and the icy road conditions.

Me?  I LOVE IT.  I love the shift in temperatures, the crispness in the air, and wearing layers to stay warm.

So today, I celebrated the onset of an early winter.

HELLO SNOW!

HELLO WINTER!

Moments appreciating the change in season.

Moments enjoying the beauty of snow.

Moments D578: Well Laid Plans

There are moments in my life that I can distinctly recall having a gut feeling that one thing or another was going to happen.  Call it intuition, instinct or even pure luck.  Wherever this gut feeling comes from, today was one of those days where "that feeling" snapped into place with perfect clarity.

Over the past few months I've had this feeling that there was going to be a significant shift in one of my relationships.  I think in this case, it's instinct, knowing what I know of this person and how they interact with the world around them.  Given the opportunity to follow a challenged path offering growth or a path of least resistance offering security and safety, the latter is nearly always chosen.

In our case, I was ever hopeful of a different outcome.  I am, after all, an eternal optimist.  That said, I must admit that I have over the years been peppered with more realism than ever before, thanks, in part, to my friends constantly reminding me that I give too much without expecting more in return.  So, even though I suspected that this was the path for this relationship long ago, I was holding out hope that, in our case, a path of growth would be the choice.

And yet, today, as I face the inevitable, I realize with a strange sense of calm and understanding that it is what it is.  Don't get me wrong, I have tried to bridge the divide and change the course that we find ourselves upon, (it's my nature to do so!) but my attempts haven't been welcomed.   No, I'm not resigned to the choice, I openly accept the choice made.  In the end, like even the most well laid plans, I am reminded that one must be flexible and accept the signs of those plans morphing.  There is a lesson here and I'm not going to miss it.

I can't control the direction my friend chooses for our relationship.  I can, however, control mine.  Today, I made a decision to invest the time I spend chasing this relationship back into me and those in my circle that appreciate me in their world.  It was a moment of clarity for me.  A moment of self-respect.  A moment recognizing that my good nature can (and has at times) been taken for granted.  A moment where my willingness to share my light and love when it's not being respected and/or reflected  is no longer an option in my world.

Even the best laid plans can crumble and fall completely apart, but instead of continuing to grieve the breakdown, I am see the broken plan as an opportunity to rebuild.  And as I continue rebuild my life plans, there is no place for me to be taken for granted.  It is really that simple.

Moments finding a deeper self-respect.

Moments understanding it's okay to let go.