Moments D142: Unexpected Visitors

Today was a milestone day for me. It was nine years ago today that I wed my now ex. This is my first anniversary without him in my life. And while it was my choice to leave our marriage, I wasn’t prepared for the emotions that flowed through me today about it. They weren’t overwhelming (though I was prepared for that) and I wasn’t really upset, but I did have an indescribably feeling of being blue. I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly, but I was definitely a touch sad today. It’s a chapter in my life that has come to an end. Sure there are some loose ends to deal with, but for the most part, this chapter is over.

I found myself reflecting back to my wedding day. I was so happy. I was so excited for the big party. But even then, I had an inclination that we weren’t the best suited to one another. I was a foolish romantic then, believing that love would light our way.

And then I began to think of how far I’ve come and how many changes I’ve been through in the last 10 months. I still know it was for the best. For us both.  I do hope he is well and enjoying life.  And I do hope he isn't  hurting too deeply on this day, for a pieces of me is with him always and I care about his well-being and his journey in life.

And amoungst all this weird low-key sadness, I was surprised late afternoon by a dear soul visiting me, just to give me a hug on this milestone day. I didn’t realize it before we met, but I really needed that hug and the few that followed from the first. It felt good to know that someone went out of their way to make sure I was good on this possible tough day for me. That made my heart and soul smile.

And for the record, I had a couple beautiful souls reach out to me today about this too. My Mom, though she skirted the subject, and my bestie. It’s so good to feel loved and understood.

My moment today though rests with the unexpected visitor who brought me the biggest smile on this blue day.

Moments of surprise.

Moments of support.

#moments #hugs #sadness #ex #surprise

Moments D132: Contemplation

Today marked the end of summer for most.

Today also marked the beginning of a new focus for me. My summer sports are over. My hectic social grinds to an eerie halt. School starts next week and I’m anxious. I’m sad that I haven’t taken a vacation all summer and my plans for a long weekend have fallen through. (Plan B looks okay, but the weather doesn’t seem to be cooperating with me so that too may be a bust.) My (ex?) wedding anniversary approaches and it taunts me to contemplate where I’ve been and what I’ve done over the past year and where I’m heading.

There is a cloud forming over me for I don’t have answers. During time I spent soaking up the last rays of sun today I searched for answers without much luck. My time lounging outside watching the birds and people pass failed to bring me peace. I feel as though I’m grieving. But I do not know what I grieve. I feel as though people see/perceive me as someone I am not. And worse yet, my words and thoughts seem to fail me today.

And yet, as I closed out the day, one filled with weird, raw emotion, there was a moment of peace. A moment where I knew it was okay to feel this way. A moment where I recognized this too shall pass, that it’s okay to contemplate, to reassess and to revisit. It is okay.

Moments of contemplation.

#moments #contemplation #sadness #path

Moments - D26; Bird Baths and Baby Spiders

Today was a day of conflicting emotions. It was a gorgeous day, unexpected for May 2 - 4 weekend. We went shopping at a greenhouse for the annual plant buy. The emotions were conflicting because I love spending time with my parents and I love gardening. BUT....and this is the catch, this is something that I loved to do at my home. Build my own gardens to be lush and beautiful for the summer. It's the first time I had a pang of sadness for my home. (It was sold back in April.) My gardens would just be starting to show-off and it would be time for me to add the little annual accessories.

Yes - I miss my gardens. But there will be other gardens. Dare I even dream, better gardens.

Once that sadness passed, I had my hands in the dirt at my old home - the one where I grew up. As I sat under the 36 year old maple tree (where every September my Mom took a picture of my brother and I before we started school) I watched the sparrows playing in the bird bath. As I watched, I could feel the calm set in. THIS is what down time is all about. Watching. Appreciating. Enjoying the world around you.

Then I had an inch worm join me in my chair. That was fun! I took a few pictures of him! Here's one.

And later, exploring the gardens, we came across a web of baby spiders. Very cool, and very interesting to watch.

Yes - these are the moments that I love. Watching the leaves rustle in the whisper of a breeze. Laughing at the birds play in the water. Cheering on the inch worm to it's next big jump. And being amazed by the hundreds of spiders.

Moments of my wonder of the world around me. So much more meaningful to me than lamenting the past.